I put effort into this one.

[vtsai01]

You don't know it but you do it. You empower yourself with its consumption.
Haziness is often misinterpreted as happiness. The perceptions at moment become deceptions, using your perseverance to find some sort of reverence. You try to fool but your resilience mimics the silence. The substances you use are to hide its inherit menace.

Oh it's so lovely. You can't stop to stare. You depreciate your senses just to appreciate. Crafting that moment as if it's your own installment. You make yourself want to; to want to die. Just so that you can love life.

[tectak]

You don't know it but you do it.
You empower yourself with its consumption.
Haziness is often misinterpreted as happiness.
The perceptions at moment become deceptions,
Using your perseverance to find some sort of reverence.
You try to fool but your resilience mimics the silence.
The substances you use are to hide its inherit menance.

Oh it's so lovely. You can't stop to stare.
You depreciate your senses just to appreciate.
Crafting that moment as if it's your own installment.
You make yourself want to; to want to die.
Just so that you can love life.

Read it through and correct all spelling mistakes (inherit menance?), check the authenticity of word meaning (resilience mimics?). Try to limit abstractions to one per line...avoid repetition of "it". Punctuate correctly.Then use the "list" of phrases which you have made to introduce cameos of imagery, metaphor and frankly, interesting phrasing, to give the piece texture and depth.
Put some effort into this one.
Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

Ditto what Tom said. Also this comes across as very preachy. Generally the only people who want to be preached at are those who already believe what you are telling them.

Best,


Dale

[Jimmy Stark]

I really like the line "You depreciate your senses just to appreciate." I think that's incredibly beautiful and extremely accurate. As someone who has struggled with drug use before this poem made a lot of sense to me, that line in particular.

I'm not sure if the formatting is off on my laptop, but I think you need more line breaks to make this more effective. It looks as though you almost just have two paragraphs. Split it up more.

The wording is effective and impactful, so a few slight revisions could make this great.

You don't know it but you do it. You empower yourself with its consumption.
Haziness is often misinterpreted as happiness. The perceptions at moment become deceptions, using your perseverance to find some sort of reverence. You try to fool but your resilience mimics the silence. The substances you use are to hide its inherit menace.

Oh it's so lovely. You can't stop to stare. You depreciate your senses just to appreciate. Crafting that moment as if it's your own installment. You make yourself want to; to want to die. Just so that you can love life.

[metalfan91]

I think it would be a lot better if you change the subject from 'you' to 'I.' Also perhaps some form of structure and other corrections.

[MT-EMPTY]

First of i just want to say i like it with "you" instead of "i" but to each his own i guess. And i like the text, especially the subject and it has a lyrical style to it, which i like. I think the way it flows is good like "Haziness is often misinterpreted as happiness. The perceptions at moment become deceptions" because i can relate to, as i have done some substance abuse. i can't relate to everything but even the parts i can't i think is interesting to read. There is a part where the words become intangled a bit for me, maybe that's just me that can't understand the purpose but "You make yourself want to; to want to die" sounds confusing me. Also "You try to fool but your resilience mimics the silence" doesn't sound grammatically right, but english is not my first lanquage so i'm not sure

[QDeathstar]

I generally like this poem, I think it should be "you".
The form is odd, I don't think putting it into paragraphs adds anything to the poem

[Celestina Waters]

The title pulled me in, as if to call out "Read me I tried harder this time." Maybe it is my brain not digesting words right today but I wondered if this was the effort what were the rest like. I agree with the above comments. The line breaks make it flow, the stanzas make the bulk of the lines have a point. Spelling mistake are sloppy floppy.
Good job on submitting. I can't wrap my head around the hidden meaning right now.

[KROD]

You don't know it but you do it. You empower yourself with its consumption.
Haziness is often misinterpreted as happiness. The perceptions at moment become deceptions, using your perseverance to find some sort of reverence. You try to fool but your resilience mimics the silence. The substances you use are to hide its inherit menace.

Oh it's so lovely. You can't stop to stare. You depreciate your senses just to appreciate. Crafting that moment as if it's your own installment. You make yourself want to; to want to die. Just so that you can love life.

Help me understand how the title fits in? It was not that difficult for me to read but I think it would help to break it up more to make it an easier read. You have some good lines here that have a nice flow when read as a "poetic rap" as I did.

[tectak]

You don't know it but you do it. You empower yourself with its consumption.
Haziness is often misinterpreted as happiness. The perceptions at moment become deceptions, using your perseverance to find some sort of reverence. You try to fool but your resilience mimics the silence. The substances you use are to hide its inherit menace.

Oh it's so lovely. You can't stop to stare. You depreciate your senses just to appreciate. Crafting that moment as if it's your own installment. You make yourself want to; to want to die. Just so that you can love life.

I found some spelling mistakes, but it seems ok

This is not valid crit. What use is this to the writer? Would a piece of yours benefit from "...I found a spelling mistake but it's OK"?
Mod.

[poetryattempted]

I'm wondering if "The perceptions at moment become deceptions" might be better represented as "The deceptions at moment become perceptions". Maybe I'm misinterpreting the meaning. To me it sounds like you're saying that what you believe to be true in the moment turns into your truth.

Big picture: I love your word choice. You write beautifully!

[billy]

feedback requires actual feedback to count as feedback, your post has been deleted. /admin

You don't know it but you do it. You empower yourself with its consumption.
Haziness is often misinterpreted as happiness. The perceptions at moment become deceptions, using your perseverance to find some sort of reverence. You try to fool but your resilience mimics the silence. The substances you use are to hide its inherit menace.

Oh it's so lovely. You can't stop to stare. You depreciate your senses just to appreciate. Crafting that moment as if it's your own installment. You make yourself want to; to want to die. Just so that you can love life.

---

The poem is a thought provoking but as over readers have commented a little pretentious. Well Done.

[ellajam]

feedback requires actual feedback to count as feedback, your post has been deleted. /admin

You don't know it but you do it. You empower yourself with its consumption.
Haziness is often misinterpreted as happiness. The perceptions at moment become deceptions, using your perseverance to find some sort of reverence. You try to fool but your resilience mimics the silence. The substances you use are to hide its inherit menace.

Oh it's so lovely. You can't stop to stare. You depreciate your senses just to appreciate. Crafting that moment as if it's your own installment. You make yourself want to; to want to die. Just so that you can love life.

---

The poem is a thought provoking but as over readers have commented a little pretentious. Well Done.

to preachy for me

Welcome. Please read the guidelines for critique pinned to the top of each forum. Thanks/mod

[KerouacJack]

Yes I would change the pronoun from you to I as it would eliminate the "preachy" feel and allow the reader to fully examine the poem. On the whole thought is a good poem and I enjoyed reading it.