To the Dancer

[bwasroy]

Edited:

Your body hasn’t felt right in months,
so you lie on a table,
and flinch as the needles poke your skin.

Remembering,
how the fern grew towards the radio,
left on by the woman in the summer dress,
who stayed up listening to someone breathing.

*
I follow you into the house,
where you unsnap your dress
and stand at the dresser
as light spills out from a black cloud.

I will tell you not to move.
I will teach you about stillness.

I remember strolling at dusk
through southwest London,
staring into the faces of a whore
who sat in a doorway smoking.

She ran her hands over my hips,
and dreamt of being reborn
a blackberry bush
who pricked the hands
of those who touched her.

*

I was young when I left home.
I thought that I had plenty of time.
So I sat with my feet in the Atlantic Ocean, looking east.

You wore black that winter.
You could have been anyone.
You could have been snow falling through the arms of a tree.


Original:

Because your body hasn’t felt right in months,
you lie on a table and flinch the needles poke your skin.

Remembering,
how the fern towards the radio,
dresses in the summer,
a car parked at the roadside,
and someone listening to someone breathing.

*
I follow you into the house,
where you unsnap your dress
and stand at the dresser
as a drop of light spills out from a black cloud.

I will tell you not to move.
I will teach you about stillness.

I remember strolling at dusk
through southwest London,
staring into the faces of the whores,
who sat in doorways smoking.
when I bumped into a woman,
who would not understand this poem
even if I read it to her.

She ran her hands over my hips,
and dreamt of being reborn
a blackberry bush
who pricked the hands
of those who touched her.

*

I was young when I left home.
I thought that I had plenty of time.
So I sat with my feet in the Atlantic Ocean, looking east.

You wore black that winter.
You could have been anyone.
You could have been snow falling through the arms of a tree.
You could be everything I have.

[John Galt]

Because your body hasn’t felt right in months,
you lie on a table and flinch the needles poke your skin.

I think you may have left out a word in line 2.
I like the thought coming through of the acupuncture procedure.

Remembering,
how the fern towards the radio,
dresses in the summer,
a car parked at the roadside,
and someone listening to someone breathing.

The above is too abstract for me, are they just random thoughts that the "needled person" is thinking whilst having treatment,? if so what is their purpose (in moving the poem forward) for the reader.?
*
I follow you into the house,
where you unsnap your dress
and stand at the dresser
as a drop of light spills out from a black cloud.

The progression from verse 2 to verse 3 is not clear to me, I see you have a star dividing them so realise it may be intentional, but cannot see (if that is the case) why.
I like "unsnap" rather than "unbutton" I can almost here the "pop."
I think you get away with the "light spilling through the cloud in the context you have used it, I wonder if the light is also a metaphor for the woman, if so I thought the image being reflected from the "dresser" mirror might work..

I will tell you not to move.
I will teach you about stillness.

I remember strolling at dusk
through southwest London,
staring into the faces of the whores,
who sat in doorways smoking.
when I bumped into a woman,
who would not understand this poem
even if I read it to her.

Punctuation in the above verse could be better.
The last line is superfluous as the line above it tells me the same thing.


She ran her hands over my hips,
and dreamt of being reborn
a blackberry bush
who pricked the hands
of those who touched her.

*

I was young when I left home.
I thought that I had plenty of time.
So I sat with my feet in the Atlantic Ocean, looking east.

You wore black that winter.
You could have been anyone.
You could have been snow falling through the arms of a tree.
You could be everything I have.

I like the spareness of the last 2 verses, the snow falling through that "winter" tree is a strong image.

Overall, a feeling of disjointedness is prevalent...JG

[cjchaffin]

Because your body hasn’t felt right in months, awkward opening, maybe reverse the sentence structure so you're not starting out with "because"
you lie on a table and flinch the needles poke your skin.

Remembering,
how the fern towards the radio,
dresses in the summer,
a car parked at the roadside,
and someone listening to someone breathing.

*
I follow you into the house,
where you unsnap your dress
and stand at the dresser
as a drop of light spills out from a black cloud. beautiful

I will tell you not to move.
I will teach you about stillness.

I remember strolling at dusk
through southwest London,
staring into the faces of the whores,
who sat in doorways smoking.
when I bumped into a woman, i don't think you need these last 3 lines, they don't really add anything to wonderful imagery of the preceeding...
who would not understand this poem
even if I read it to her.

She ran her hands over my hips,
and dreamt of being reborn
a blackberry bush another great image
who pricked the hands
of those who touched her.

some awkward tense shifts in the above section
*

I was young when I left home.
I thought that I had plenty of time.
So I sat with my feet in the Atlantic Ocean, looking east.

You wore black that winter.
You could have been anyone.
You could have been snow falling through the arms of a tree. outstanding!
You could be everything I have. i don't think you need this line, leave it to end at the line before as it's much more powerful

hi bwasroy. i really enjoyed some of the imagery in your poem. i've made some notes in the quoted section above, just some suggestions to use or lose.

[UberWilhelm]

Because your body hasn’t felt right in months,
you lie on a table and flinch the needles poke your skin. <-- I think you're missing an "as" here.

Remembering,
how the fern towards the radio, <--- same here. Missing "turns" or "bends" or "grows"
dresses in the summer,
a car parked at the roadside,
and someone listening to someone breathing. To me this whole stanza seems kind of broken or disjointed. Like random thoughts thrown together.

*
I follow you into the house,
where you unsnap your dress
and stand at the dresser
as a drop of light spills out from a black cloud. <-- If I am interpreting this correctly, I think something more like " like a drop of light spilling from a black cloud" might flow better.

I will tell you not to move.
I will teach you about stillness.

I remember strolling at dusk
through southwest London,
staring into the faces of the whores, <-- I am by far no punctuation expert but I don't think a comma is needed here.
who sat in doorways smoking. <--- if you want to continue this thought, the comma goes here I believe.
when I bumped into a woman,
who would not understand this poem
even if I read it to her.

She ran her hands over my hips,
and dreamt of being reborn
a blackberry bush
who pricked the hands
of those who touched her. <--- Nice. I like this stanza

*

I was young when I left home.
I thought that I had plenty of time.
So I sat with my feet in the Atlantic Ocean, looking east.

You wore black that winter.
You could have been anyone.
You could have been snow falling through the arms of a tree.
You could be everything I have.

Hi bwasroy.

Overall I liked the poem. I found it very melodic and full of emotion. I haven't read the other posts so I apologize if I repeat some of their comments. Of course I am by no stretch of the imagination an expert but I do offer up my opinion.