August

[bwasroy]

Edit:

August

Say goodbye, driving home with the radio off.

Say goodbye, looking out at the moon,
remembering her cold hands come pumpkin carving time.

She said autumn is now my favorite season
because we spent all summer
smoking and staring at our shoes.

Say goodbye, shifting between radio static
and swallowing pills
so you fall onto the pillows
like a body stumbles from a ledge.

Goodbye, broken glass.

Goodbye, hand towels and carving knife.

Say goodbye, writing if you can.

She said, Don’t worry about the night,
it was always too dark for me.
You're thinking about this too much.
Keep going. The ghosts will be gone by morning. 



Original:

You can say goodbye by driving home with the radio off.

You can say goodbye by staring out at the moon,
remembering her cold hand come pumpkin carving time.

She said autumn is now my favorite season
because we spent all summer
smoking and staring at our shoes.

You can say goodbye by shifting between static
and swallowing a handful of sleeping pills
so you can fall onto the pillows
like a body might stumble from a ledge.

Goodbye, broken glass.

Goodbye, hand towels and carving knife.

You can say goodbye by writing if you can.

She said, Don’t worry about the night,
it was always too dark for me.
You’re thinking about this too much.
Buy a motor car. Drive somewhere far from me.
The ghosts will be gone by morning.

[Wjames]

You can say goodbye by driving home with the radio off.

You can say goodbye by staring out at the moon,
remembering her cold hand come pumpkin carving time. Very nice wording and imagery.

She said autumn is now my favorite season
because we spent all summer
smoking and staring at our shoes.

You can say goodbye by shifting between static Is this static from the radio? Or static from the bed sheets? If it's the latter you might want to add sheets after static, if the former (or something I'm missing) try some other way of clarifying.
and swallowing a handful of sleeping pills
so you can fall onto the pillows
like a body might stumble from a ledge. You could cut might.

Goodbye, broken glass. I like this, it works simply as a goodbye to a broken glass, yet I also get an image of someone saying "Goodbye", followed by a glass breaking. That may just be my weird mind at work late at night though.

Goodbye, hand towels and carving knife.

You can say goodbye by writing if you can.

She said, Don’t worry about the night,
it was always too dark for me.
You’re thinking about this too much.
Buy a motor car. Drive somewhere far from me.
The ghosts will be gone by morning.

The images were fresh and well written. I also like the title, as at first it makes it seem as though you are meaning to say goodbye to August until the final stanza makes it work in a different sense, the lingering specter of August's memories. I could be way off base however, but I like my interpretation.

One knit I do have is that the first three "you can say goodbye's" seem more like someone trying, yet failing to say goodbye to the memory of a lover (not actually succeeding in saying goodbye).

Anyways, I enjoyed the poem

[billy]

i liked that it wasn't emo-fied. i love the title in relation to the poem, an odd cliche if should want to edit but that's about it. no excess to write of and all in all a good write about a sad subject.

welcome to the site, and thanks for the decent feedback you've given elsewhere.

You can say goodbye by driving home with the radio off.

You can say goodbye by staring out at the moon,
[=4]remembering her cold hand come pumpkin carving time. cold hand seems a bit weak

[=4]She said autumn is now my favorite season
[=4]because we spent all summer
[=4]smoking and staring at our shoes. i like the simplicity of this stanza.

You can say goodbye by shifting between static
                and swallowing a handful of sleeping pills this feels cliche
                so you can fall onto the pillows but these two lines read well, original with a good image of how the drugs can hit you
                like a body might stumble from a ledge.

Goodbye, broken glass.

Goodbye, hand towels and carving knife.

You can say goodbye by writing if you can.

She said, Don’t worry about the night,
it was always too dark for me.
You’re thinking about this too much.
Buy a motor car. Drive somewhere far from me.
The ghosts will be gone by morning.

[bwasroy]

Thanks, Billy!

(And thanks too Wjames)

[just mercedes]

Edit:

August

You can say goodbye by driving home with the radio off. I'll say it here and not again - but for me, after the first time, the 'bye by' sound added a childish note.

You can say goodbye by staring out at the moon,
remembering her cold hands come pumpkin carving time.

She said autumn is now my favorite season I look for quotes or italics for reported speech
because we spent all summer
smoking and staring at our shoes.

You can say goodbye by shifting between radio static Not sure if you can switch between static - I think this should be 'though'.
and swallowing pills
so you can fall onto the pillows
like a body stumbles from a ledge. great imagery in this simile

Goodbye, broken glass.

Goodbye, hand towels and carving knife.

You can say goodbye by writing if you can.For me, this line - you can say ... if you can - contradicts itself somehow

She said, Don’t worry about the night,
said, it was always too dark for me.
You’re thinking about this too much.
Keep going. The ghosts will be gone by morning. Strong finish


Original:

You can say goodbye by driving home with the radio off.

You can say goodbye by staring out at the moon,
remembering her cold hand come pumpkin carving time.

She said autumn is now my favorite season
because we spent all summer
smoking and staring at our shoes.

You can say goodbye by shifting between static
and swallowing a handful of sleeping pills
so you can fall onto the pillows
like a body might stumble from a ledge.

Goodbye, broken glass.

Goodbye, hand towels and carving knife.

You can say goodbye by writing if you can.

She said, Don’t worry about the night,
it was always too dark for me.
You’re thinking about this too much.
Buy a motor car. Drive somewhere far from me.
The ghosts will be gone by morning.

Hi - interesting poem, with a lot of great imagery. I like the way the stanzas are used, for blocks of thought. I can't work out your reasons for the indented lines though. I like the static being there - the end of a relationship is well described by this simple image. Out of focus, no longer tuned in.

You use a lot of gerunds though, and their sing-song sound tones down the feeling of the words for me. Short poem, so 'staring' twice and close together stood out too.

I like the intimate tone of your poem, and the 'you' swings nicely from being addressed to the reader to being addressed to the writer himself.

[billy]

a small but decent edit, i wasn't keen on the change from italics to non-italics but suspect it may have just been an oversight. did you see how i formatted what you wanted in an earlier reply.

Edit:

August

You can say goodbye by driving home with the radio off.

You can say goodbye by staring out at the moon,
remembering her cold hands come pumpkin carving time.

She said autumn is now my favorite season did you change from italics to normal on purpose? i did prefer the italics.
because we spent all summer
smoking and staring at our shoes.

You can say goodbye by shifting between radio static a little clearer, and makes a good juxtaposition to the first line.
and swallowing pills
so you can fall onto the pillows
like a body stumbles from a ledge.

Goodbye, broken glass.

Goodbye, hand towels and carving knife.

You can say goodbye by writing if you can. i saw Jm's response and sort of see what she means here, a suggestion would be a comma after writing and adding [write] after [can]

She said, Don’t worry about the night, again, i'm thinking i preferred the italics.
said, it was always too dark for me.
You’re thinking about this too much.
Keep going. The ghosts will be gone by morning.


Original:

You can say goodbye by driving home with the radio off.

You can say goodbye by staring out at the moon,
remembering her cold hand come pumpkin carving time.

She said autumn is now my favorite season
because we spent all summer
smoking and staring at our shoes.

You can say goodbye by shifting between static
and swallowing a handful of sleeping pills
so you can fall onto the pillows
like a body might stumble from a ledge.

Goodbye, broken glass.

Goodbye, hand towels and carving knife.

You can say goodbye by writing if you can.

She said, Don’t worry about the night,
it was always too dark for me.
You’re thinking about this too much.
Buy a motor car. Drive somewhere far from me.
The ghosts will be gone by morning.

[bwasroy]

Thanks for the help everyone.

I just failed to figure out how to put italics in at the time I posted the first revised version. Billy and fogglethorpe particularly, great comments.