ashes

[konstantin27]

I rise from the ashes
as every word you say at me clashes.

My wrath is dying away in a way
every time you say 'I love you'
I can't get enough of you

I can't get enough of feeling your skin
as light as a feather in the wind
yet scorches me as a fiery coal I'm holding
when the fear of losing you is growing

I shall hold this coal until my hand is only bones
and then I'll hold it longer
because this pain doesn't hurt

to my ashes I return
without wrath, hatred or any mourn
I return peaceful minded
because me you have reminded
of old time romantics and love
and now,
now I'm free as a dove

[Anonymous]

I rise from the ashes
as every word you say at me clashes. rhyme sounds forced here

My wrath is dying away in a way ?
every time you say 'I love you'
I can't get enough of you

I can't get enough of feeling your skin
as light as a feather in the wind liked this line!
yet scorches me as a fiery coal I'm holding
when the fear of losing you is growing this is rough for a slant rhyme if that's what you're going for

I shall hold this coal until my hand is only bones
and then I'll hold it longer
because this pain doesn't hurt The last two lines in this stanza sound prosaic

to my ashes I return
without wrath, hatred or any mourn
I return peaceful minded
because it is me you have reminded omit have
of old time romantics and love omit time ?
and now,
now I'm free as a dove

I enjoyed the poem. Some parts were a bit confusing. I left my comments above & bolded. Thanks for the read.

[cidermaid]

Hi Overall this felt awkward and clunky but you stayed with your central image and so for this reason it does work, although I think you could tighten it up in places to keep the image fresher and avoid some of the repititions.
A few comments below;

I rise from the ashes This whole line is cliche but if what follows is strong enough it wll get covered.
as every word you say at me clashes. The end rhyme is forced, but again it is the lack of strenght in the whole that is really glaring. As could be ommitted. Think on the phrasing here, do you speak of what someone says at you?

My wrath is dying away in a way The closure of -in a way weakens this line. it is wishy washy no passion of conviction in what you have told the reader and as such the whole poem is polluted with this. I would suggest you thighen up you image of fire and ashes here Perhaps the embers of my wrath die.
every time you say 'I love you'
I can't get enough of you don't forget to check you punctuation (period here)

I can't get enough of feeling your skin. for me the I can't get enough is boring and un-needed. I would cut this line down...in fact the whole stanza see next comment
as light as a feather in the wind
yet scorches me as a fiery coal I'm holding
when the fear of losing you is growing This whole stanza has much promise but as it stands is not quite delivering. again why introduce a feathe (which is cliche) when the image of a wind blown cinder is so accessable in the thought lines we have going.

I shall hold this coal until my hand is only bones
and then I'll hold it longer
because this pain doesn't hurt Again a good idea not quite delivered with enough punch. Try not to use any words twice. Ember furnace, brazier this is such a rich vein of images to draw from. Show us how this love burns.

to my ashes I return
without wrath, hatred or any mourn mourn is an odd inclusion here
I return peaceful minded
because me you have reminded this line has slipped into yoda speak.
of old time romantics and love
and now,
now I'm free as a dove sorry but again free as a dove is a clanger of a cliche.
This whole last stanza is the weakest of the poem. I felt it could be ommited without distracting from the poem.

Hope some of these comments are of help. AJ.

[ajcohen613]

I rise from the ashes
as every word you say at me clashes.

My wrath is dying away in a way
every time you say 'I love you'
I can't get enough of you

I can't get enough of feeling your skin
as light as a feather in the wind
yet scorches me as a fiery coal I'm holding
when the fear of losing you is growing

I shall hold this coal until my hand is only bones
and then I'll hold it longer
because this pain doesn't hurt

to my ashes I return
without wrath, hatred or any mourn
I return peaceful minded
because me you have reminded
of old time romantics and love
and now,
now I'm free as a dove

The other critiques did a good job, but I will say that some punctuation might help with some of the clunkiness. Also, a lot of the rhymes are quick/cheap and in my opinion, not worth it; lines like "My wrath is dying away in a way" just don't benefit from such a forced rhyme. I do like how the beginning of the poem draws upon some images of a phoenix and then it ends with the image of a dove, which may or not have been intentional. Just keep at it.