Waiting

[Wjames]

Father used to speak for the dog
in a shrill, “cute” voice.

Watching him converse with
himself was funny,
from a certain point of view.

As it wasn’t mine, I cringed
when the dog demanded a walk,
a treat, or a fresh bowl of water;
conscious of a bend – waiting for the snap.

[billy]

you have the potential for a decent little poem here, a few nits but the crux of the content strikes a chord. maybe a little more flesh on the bone (a couple more lines) will bring that fact out a bit more.

Father used to speak for the dog spoke for, or maybe would speak for
in a shrill, “cute” voice. it's a trait i see a lot in my own home.

Watching him converse with with feels lumpy as is the next line. i can definite visualize the image but i think the layout could be better.
himself was funny, from a
certain point of view.

As it wasn’t mine, I cringed i'm not sure [as it wasn't mine] is relevant, that you cringed is enough
when the dog demanded a walk,
a treat, or a fresh bowl of water;
conscious of a bend – waiting for the snap. i can't figure this line out.

[Anonymous]

Father used to speak for the dog
in a shrill, “cute” voice.

Watching him converse with
himself was funny, from a
peculiar point of view.

Though it wasn’t mine, I cringed
when the dog demanded a walk,
a treat, or a fresh bowl of water; loved these 3 lines
conscious of a bend – waiting for the snap. I'd be weary using this line. There's a quote from a movie legally blonde called the "bend and snap" - where the girl bends to the floor to pick something up, then snaps back up. They use this 'technique' as a way to attract men's attention.

All in all, I enjoyed the poem. Some parts I couldn't entirely grasp. A little fixing up on the clarity and it'll be great!

[Wjames]

Thanks for reading and critiquing guys. Upon further thought, I think the title of this one is weak (it doesn't add anything to the poem), and I could definitely improve the layout of the second stanza (as Billy says). I also will probably add a fourth stanza (ending the third stanza at "bowl of water"), in order to give some lead-up to the final line.

I like "As it wasn't mine", but I'm not in love with it and if most other people think it's redundant, I'll consider cutting it.

[billy]

great attitude, though always think hard and make sure someon's advice works for you as well as them :J: