Right Now I'm Wondering...

[Smudge173]

.....

[SomeRandom]

Some of this feels forced and there's a lot of cliches. I felt the overall message of the poem and that was strong-- wondering where your future lover is right now, etc.

"Right now I’m wondering, where are you now?
you've said "right now" you don't need to repeat to the reader that you are wondering in the present tense. You could rephrase it "right now im wondering, where might you be" if you like.
Are we in the same country, or does fate not allow?
The second part was a forced rhyme, it doesn't sound natural and I'm not even sure what was trying to be said. What is fate not allowing?
Are we thousands of miles apart, or just round the corner?
All I’m sure of at this time, is that love has no border.
The first line is nice and simple, it deserves better than the cliche following it.
What are you doing now? Are you asleep or awake
The more I think about you, the more my heart begins to ache.
Verb confusion: "begins"
Is your mind free like a bird, with wind gushing through your wings
Or are you sat alone just like me, pondering the same things?
Do we have common interests? How about pastimes
Your enjoyment and happiness, will translate into mine.
Are we two peas in a pod, or just like white and black
try to express similarity between you and mystery person x in new and creative ways instead of falling back on cliches.
Because I’ve heard once or twice, that opposites attract.
I’m putting together who you are, but I’m missing a few pieces
Name, face, where you live, and especially your best features.
Features doesn't rhyme with pieces. It also seems forced.
Right now I’m wondering, when will we ever meet?
Are you a good friend of mine, or a stranger from the street?"
I thought the last two lines were some of the better lines in this poem. Because you used the word "ever" I feel the sense of longing to finally meet this person, and it ends the poem off well with playful curiosity; it's cool that you suggest you might already be friends with this person and not even know it!
Thanks for reading. I would appreciate any feedback.

Hope I helped.

[Smudge173]

Some of this feels forced and there's a lot of cliches. I felt the overall message of the poem and that was strong-- wondering where your future lover is right now, etc.

"Right now I’m wondering, where are you now?
you've said "right now" you don't need to repeat to the reader that you are wondering in the present tense. You could rephrase it "right now im wondering, where might you be" if you like.
Are we in the same country, or does fate not allow?
The second part was a forced rhyme, it doesn't sound natural and I'm not even sure what was trying to be said. What is fate not allowing?
Are we thousands of miles apart, or just round the corner?
All I’m sure of at this time, is that love has no border.
The first line is nice and simple, it deserves better than the cliche following it.
What are you doing now? Are you asleep or awake
The more I think about you, the more my heart begins to ache.
Verb confusion: "begins"
Is your mind free like a bird, with wind gushing through your wings
Or are you sat alone just like me, pondering the same things?
Do we have common interests? How about pastimes
Your enjoyment and happiness, will translate into mine.
Are we two peas in a pod, or just like white and black
try to express similarity between you and mystery person x in new and creative ways instead of falling back on cliches.
Because I’ve heard once or twice, that opposites attract.
I’m putting together who you are, but I’m missing a few pieces
Name, face, where you live, and especially your best features.
Features doesn't rhyme with pieces. It also seems forced.
Right now I’m wondering, when will we ever meet?
Are you a good friend of mine, or a stranger from the street?"
I thought the last two lines were some of the better lines in this poem. Because you used the word "ever" I feel the sense of longing to finally meet this person, and it ends the poem off well with playful curiosity; it's cool that you suggest you might already be friends with this person and not even know it!
Thanks for reading. I would appreciate any feedback.

Hope I helped.

Thank you for your feedback. This is the first poem I have done that I felt proud of, and to be honest rushed it a little. Maybe I should have thought it over a bit more (or leave it alone and come back to it) rather than making it happen. Perhaps this is why it feels forced overall.

I'm going to work on what you have said about it, and improve upon it as I really like the concept of this poem.

Your feedback is just what I wanted. I felt happy with it, but knew it could be improved but didn't know exactly what to concentrate on. Now I know the specifics!

Thanks again.

[Bunx]

"Right now I’m wondering, where are you now?
Are we in the same country, or does fate not allow?
Are we thousands of miles apart, or just round the corner?
All I’m sure of at this time, is that love has no border.
What are you doing now? Are you asleep or awake
The more I think about you, the more my heart begins to ache.
Is your mind free like a bird, with wind gushing through your wings
Or are you sat alone just like me, pondering the same things?
Do we have common interests? How about pastimes
Your enjoyment and happiness, will translate into mine.
Are we two peas in a pod, or just like white and black
Because I’ve heard once or twice, that opposites attract.
I’m putting together who you are, but I’m missing a few pieces
Name, face, where you live, and especially your best features.

Right now I’m wondering, when will we ever meet?
Are you a good friend of mine, or a stranger from the street?"

Thanks for reading. I would appreciate any feedback.

I think that you could do a bit of formatting to make this flow a little bit better as a poem. for example spit of the first lines

Right now I'm wondering
where are you now
Are we in the same country,
or does fate not allow?

You might want to split this poem up into smaller stanzas as well. I liked this poem overall though it reminds me of too many youthful relationships I had with military brats who always seemed to move away. Anyways thanks for the post!

[bena]

First things first: why have you put your entire poem in quotation marks? Pretty sure you didn't say all this aloud to someone, it seems more of an introspective piece. Questions in general without any real answers can make a poem feel weak, as well as not giving specific images for the reader to cling onto. This is pretty cliché ridden...something even the best of poets have issues with. The general rule of thumb is if you've heard it before, everyone else probably has as well. I don't generally write in rhyme, but there are certain things that I can comment on: A poem that has an AA BB CC DD rhyme scheme can come across as sing-songy and not serious. I think someone may have mentioned that pieces and features don't even make a slant rhyme.

For me it seemed more like a online infatuation, not a military brat thing, but that's just my take. At any rate, hopefully you'll be able to make revisions to do what's in your head justice.


"Right now I’m wondering, where are you now?
Are we in the same country, or does fate not allow?
Are we thousands of miles apart, or just round the corner?
All I’m sure of at this time, is that love has no border.
What are you doing now? Are you asleep or awake
The more I think about you, the more my heart begins to ache.
Is your mind free like a bird, with wind gushing through your wings
Or are you sat alone just like me, pondering the same things?
Do we have common interests? How about pastimes
Your enjoyment and happiness, will translate into mine.
Are we two peas in a pod, or just like white and black
Because I’ve heard once or twice, that opposites attract.
I’m putting together who you are, but I’m missing a few pieces
Name, face, where you live, and especially your best features.

Right now I’m wondering, when will we ever meet?
Are you a good friend of mine, or a stranger from the street?"

[billy]

it's a good effort at a sonnet with quite a few problems. many have been mention but i'll reiterate just two or three.

have one or two questions by all means but not ever line.

the sonnet:
It must be lyrical -- rhyme and meter should be regular and unforced, so that if you wanted to, you could sing it (that's what sonnet means, "little song")
There should be two parts to a sonnet -- an introduction to a problem or situation set-up and a resolution or concluding summary
A sonnet is not a narrative. It is a lyric poem, often used to explore love or philosophy, but could be any theme you choose.

it's very hard to achieve the above if every line is a question.
end rhymes should be as near perfect as possible till you get the hang of good end rhymes, then you can use half or near rhyme.

the content:
at present you tell us the sonnet try and use simile/ metaphor to show or allude to what you want to say (check out the flashcard forum at the bottom of the home site's home page for information on some device0, and if your not sure post a question in one of the help or discussion forums

good luck and keep up the good work.

"Right now I’m wondering, where are you now?
Are we in the same country, or does fate not allow?
Are we thousands of miles apart, or just round the corner?
All I’m sure of at this time, is that love has no border.
What are you doing now? Are you asleep or awake
The more I think about you, the more my heart begins to ache.
Is your mind free like a bird, with wind gushing through your wings
Or are you sat alone just like me, pondering the same things?
Do we have common interests? How about pastimes
Your enjoyment and happiness, will translate into mine.
Are we two peas in a pod, or just like white and black
Because I’ve heard once or twice, that opposites attract.
I’m putting together who you are, but I’m missing a few pieces
Name, face, where you live, and especially your best features.

Right now I’m wondering, when will we ever meet?
Are you a good friend of mine, or a stranger from the street?"

Thanks for reading. I would appreciate any feedback.

[bena]

^^pssst there's only 14 lines in a sonnet, that's why I didn't figure it was one.

[billy]

i was stumped but assumed it was what was being aimed for. if i was wrong i humbly apologize

[bena]

It's quite possible, after all that's just why I personally decided it wasn't (well, that and the fact that it doesn't follow any known rhyme pattern for a sonnet) I think it could be what the author was aiming for, I was just saying that's why I assumed it wasn't.

Now, to Smudge....
if it was an attempt at a sonnet I find this page to be really awesome at explaining them all.

http://www.sonnets.org/basicforms.htm

[alatos]

"Right now I’m wondering, where are you now?
Are we in the same country, or does fate not allow?
Are we thousands of miles apart, or just round the corner?
All I’m sure of at this time, is that love has no border.
What are you doing now? Are you asleep or awake
The more I think about you, the more my heart begins to ache.
Is your mind free like a bird, with wind gushing through your wings
Or are you sat alone just like me, pondering the same things?
Do we have common interests? How about pastimes
Your enjoyment and happiness, will translate into mine.
Are we two peas in a pod, or just like white and black
Because I’ve heard once or twice, that opposites attract.
I’m putting together who you are, but I’m missing a few pieces
Name, face, where you live, and especially your best features.

Right now I’m wondering, when will we ever meet?
Are you a good friend of mine, or a stranger from the street?"

Thanks for reading. I would appreciate any feedback.

The meter really needs some work. Try to use a continuous, predictable rhythm (in my opinion) with rhyming poems like this. I'd also suggest reworking a few of the rhymes that aren't really rhymes, like "pieces" and "features." That's fine in songs and stuff, but most of the time poets seem to stick to true rhymes. But I guess that's really up to you, like it all is.

[Random Phoenix]

I really like your theme...looking for love...finding love among strangers.
But I would like to see fresher language. Can you make me feel it? Across a crowded world, can I feel that pull of another soul toward mine, a magnet of force, unable to be resisted?

[UberWilhelm]

Hi.

I read this a few times and find myself agreeing with what Bunx said. I think if you break your lines it would flow much smoother and maybe help you see the poem in your head better. I like the theme, very classic. I can picture a single someone sitting in a park daydreaming in the summer sun, wondering where there true love is.

[VisualPoet703]

Bena had mentioned giving the reader specific images to cling to. I agree with this. The entire premise of the poem is relatable, which I think is the biggest strength here. Poems that are easily relatable have the power to hit the reader in a profound way. However, the poem has no grounding. Offer the reader something to hold onto, instead of only questions. It doesn't necessarily have to be answers to the questions. It could be breaking up the questions with imagery that gives the reader something concrete to visualize. It could be metaphors that would give your questions room to breathe and make them more complex which will then give the reader something to think about beyond the written words. I think this poem has a good foundation. My suggestion would be to first figure out how you want to deal with breaking up all the questions (or grounding them), and then go from there. Thanks for sharing your work!

[zahrakh]

Nice piece but as others have pointed out few problems, I had a feeling of forced rhyming. At one place you drop the rhyming and resumed in next stanza.I suggest rewriting it as a free verse.

[ThePinsir]

"Right now I’m wondering, where are you now?
Are we in the same country, or does fate not allow?
Are we thousands of miles apart, or just round the corner?
All I’m sure of at this time, is that love has no border.
What are you doing now? Are you asleep or awake
The more I think about you, the more my heart begins to ache.
Is your mind free like a bird, with wind gushing through your wings I don't like wind 'gushing'. Gushing seems like something liquids do, not air
Or are you sat alone just like me, pondering the same things?
Do we have common interests? How about pastimes
Your enjoyment and happiness, will translate into mine. Is enjoyment even a word? Idk, it sounds weird, and kind of redundant with 'happiness' right after
Are we two peas in a pod, or just like white and black [b]'peas in a pod' just seems way too cliché.
Because I’ve heard once or twice, that opposites attract.
I’m putting together who you are, but I’m missing a few pieces
Name, face, where you live, and especially your best features.

Right now I’m wondering, when will we ever meet?
Are you a good friend of mine, or a stranger from the street?"

------------

It seems like it's supposed to be a sonnet. I'm kinda confused...

[ellajam]

A bit to much repetition for me, a need for omission

More specific critique is required in the workshops. For example, what needs to be omitted? / mod

[Mwaba don]

some lines seem to be rough and may need rephrasing. Like the first line " right now I'm wondering, where are you now? You could have said I'm wondering right now, where are you?. Also, I did not see the use of the inverted commas at the beginning and I did not see where they ended. The second line did not seem to smooth-en out with the first line. The second line seems to go with the third so maybe the starting had the problem causing a roughness to how the poem sounds.