Fair Deal (True Love in the House edit)

[ellajam]

Edit 1 (true, keith)

Someday I'll trade the vacuum for
a dusty house that's calm, at least
I'll gag its irritating roar.
I'd rather cook a full-blown feast,
my kitchen humming in my head:
the hissing pan for meat or crepe,
the soothing squeak of dough for bread
against the board, the beater's scrape.

Alone I clear each meal's debris
and scrub the porcelain sink, again
the dinner cleanup's left to me;
I guess I really can't complain.
He vacuums carpets, washes clothes,
two gifts more dear than gem or rose.


Original

My hate for vacuums knows no bounds,
no dust is worth that clumsy beast;
I cringe at its obnoxious sounds.
I'd rather cook a full-blown feast,
my kitchen humming in my head:
the hissing pan for meat or crepe,
the soothing squeak of dough for bread
against the board, the beater's scrape.

Alone I clear each meal's debris
and scrub the porcelain sink, again
the dinner cleanup's left to me.
I guess I really can't complain;
he vacuums carpets, washes clothes,
two gifts more dear than gem or rose.


*from NaPM

[dwestmor]

The hissing pan for meat or crepe didn't work for me. I just doesn't roll off the tounge the way it should and it leaves me off put.

[Pink_Bunny]

I guess I really can't complain;

Just knowing that you can go through an ordeal like house cleaning, whether it's spring or for the love of cleanliness, and not complain about it shows me a quality that can not go unnoticed. You remind me of a modern day Cinderella singing songs of melancholy and madness while she works her fingers to the bone. It's a thing of beauty to whistle while we work and you have certainly showcased this ability in a way that makes any precious feel like a bag of angel dust.

Kisses!

[ellajam]

The hissing pan for meat or crepe didn't work for me. I just doesn't roll off the tounge the way it should and it leaves me off put.

Thanks for reading, and for pointing out a weak line. I'll see what I can do about it.

I guess I really can't complain;

Just knowing that you can go through an ordeal like house cleaning, whether it's spring or for the love of cleanliness, and not complain about it shows me a quality that can not go unnoticed. You remind me of a modern day Cinderella singing songs of melancholy and madness while she works her fingers to the bone. It's a thing of beauty to whistle while we work and you have certainly showcased this ability in a way that makes any precious feel like a bag of angel dust.

Kisses!

Hi, bunny, while I would understand your comment if I had posted in the Fun Forum, I posted in a workshop looking for insight on what works and doesn't work in this poem. I know it's a lightweight poem, but it still has form, meter and rhyme that I'm sure can use some improvement. More detail would be appreciated, and frankly, it's expected in the workshops. Thanks for reading.

[Truerenigma]

My hate for vacuums knows no bounds,
no dust is worth that clumsy beast;
I cringe at it's obnoxious sounds.
I'd rather cook a full-blown feast,
my kitchen humming in my head:
the hissing pan for meat or crepe,
the soothing squeak of dough for bread
against the board, the beater's scrape.

Alone I clear each meal's debris
and scrub the porcelain sink, again
the dinner cleanup's left to me.
I guess I really can't complain;
he vacuums carpets, washes clothes,
two gifts more dear than gem or rose.


*from NaPM

Hi ella, I really like this sonnet. The only two things that bother me are the "knows no bounds", and The anthropomorphism of the vacuum is strange, unless it's a Nemerov allusion--but I don't see a reason for that symbol, there's not a lot of grief in the poem, certainly no mourning--or even stranger I suppose is the sounds themselves being obnoxious. You have a typo in "its" in that line.

reading this makes me think about my mr. and mrs. smith tetrameter sonnet from napo (An Art.), and want to go back and see if I should workshop it. smiles all around.

[ellajam]

My hate for vacuums knows no bounds,
no dust is worth that clumsy beast;
I cringe at it's obnoxious sounds.
I'd rather cook a full-blown feast,
my kitchen humming in my head:
the hissing pan for meat or crepe,
the soothing squeak of dough for bread
against the board, the beater's scrape.

Alone I clear each meal's debris
and scrub the porcelain sink, again
the dinner cleanup's left to me.
I guess I really can't complain;
he vacuums carpets, washes clothes,
two gifts more dear than gem or rose.


*from NaPM

Hi ella, I really like this sonnet. The only two things that bother me are the "knows no bounds", and The anthropomorphism of the vacuum is strange, unless it's a Nemerov allusion--but I don't see a reason for that symbol, there's not a lot of grief in the poem, certainly no mourning--or even stranger I suppose is the sounds themselves being obnoxious. You have a typo in "its" in that line.

reading this makes me think about my mr. and mrs. smith tetrameter sonnet from napo (An Art.), and want to go back and see if I should workshop it. smiles all around.

My poem's vacuum is, sadly, or happily, not a symbol of anything more than an avoided chore. And maybe one of those expensive newfangled vacuums has some grace, but mine, in fact, is a noisy, clumsy beast.

I'll see what I can do with "knows no bounds", and fixed the typo, thanks.

As always, I appreciate the comments, and thanks for the Nemerov pointer, a good read.

[Keith]

My hate for vacuums knows no bounds,
no dust is worth that clumsy beast;
I cringe at its obnoxious sounds.
I'd rather cook a full-blown feast,
my kitchen humming in my head:
the hissing pan for meat or crepe,
the soothing squeak of dough for bread
against the board, the beater's scrape.

Alone I clear each meal's debris
and scrub the porcelain sink, again
the dinner cleanup's left to me.
I guess I really can't complain;
he vacuums carpets, washes clothes,
two gifts more dear than gem or rose.


*from NaPM

Hi ellajam,
I enjoyed this one in April, there isn't much to change for me as I think it works in a simple way. The poem builds nicely on your avoidance of the vacuuming to a dream like, well oiled kitchen in full flow, then it sets us up with the sympathy vote, all alone cleaning and scrubbing, aww. I really didn't see the end coming and the last line for me is perfect and reminds us it a sonnet, yes you could tinker with the opening to avoid the double no but I wouldn't change too much. Best Keith

[ellajam]

My hate for vacuums knows no bounds,
no dust is worth that clumsy beast;
I cringe at its obnoxious sounds.
I'd rather cook a full-blown feast,
my kitchen humming in my head:
the hissing pan for meat or crepe,
the soothing squeak of dough for bread
against the board, the beater's scrape.

Alone I clear each meal's debris
and scrub the porcelain sink, again
the dinner cleanup's left to me.
I guess I really can't complain;
he vacuums carpets, washes clothes,
two gifts more dear than gem or rose.


*from NaPM

Hi ellajam,
I enjoyed this one in April, there isn't much to change for me as I think it works in a simple way. The poem builds nicely on your avoidance of the vacuuming to a dream like, well oiled kitchen in full flow, then it sets us up with the sympathy vote, all alone cleaning and scrubbing, aww. I really didn't see the end coming and the last line for me is perfect and reminds us it a sonnet, yes you could tinker with the opening to avoid the double no but I wouldn't change too much. Best Keith

Thanks, Keith, I never thought of the double no, that goes with True's comment, and getting rid of bounds will dump sounds, which is bland anyway. And maybe I can think of another title, I stink at those.

Appreciate the read and comments, though it's simple I knew there must be something to poke.

[tectak]

I guess I really can't complain;

Just knowing that you can go through an ordeal like house cleaning, whether it's spring or for the love of cleanliness, and not complain about it shows me a quality that can not go unnoticed. You remind me of a modern day Cinderella singing songs of melancholy and madness while she works her fingers to the bone. It's a thing of beauty to whistle while we work and you have certainly showcased this ability in a way that makes any precious feel like a bag of angel dust.

Kisses!

Notwithstanding your kisses you are mildly rebuked for failing to comment on the poem. This is not valid crit and none of us are here for kisses from complete strangers.
Mod.

[ellajam]

A bit of an edit up, I'm not convinced L6 needs to go, and I'm never sure if my punctuation is adequate or insane, those squigglies seem like they can go so many ways, but a whisper in my head says there's probably a right and a wrong way to go. Any input is of course appreciated.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey ella. I've read this a few times before. Never commented because previous comments seemed comprehensive enough. First off, I love the title. - The edit feels much stronger. I wonder if in the penultimate line you might not need "carpets". It might be implied by vacuums. Something as simple as -"He vacuums and he washes clothes" might add up better for the last line. Not sure - just my impression. An enjoyable commentary. Thanks for sharing. Paul

[ellajam]

Hey ella. I've read this a few times before. Never commented because previous comments seemed comprehensive enough. First off, I love the title. - The edit feels much stronger. I wonder if in the penultimate line you might not need "carpets". It might be implied by vacuums. Something as simple as -"He vacuums and he washes clothes" might add up better for the last line. Not sure - just my impression. An enjoyable commentary. Thanks for sharing. Paul

Thanks, glad to hear it's going in the right direction. I'll think on cleaning up the line you mention, yes, carpets is just filler. I really appreciate the read and comment.

[ChristopherSea]

Edit 1 (true, keith)

Someday I'll trade the vacuum for
a dusty house that's calm, at least
I'll gag its irritating roar.
I'd rather cook a full-blown feast,
my kitchen humming in my head:
the hissing pan for meat or crepe,
the soothing squeak of dough for bread
against the board, the beater's scrape.

Alone I clear each meal's debris
and scrub the porcelain sink, again
the dinner cleanup's left to me;
I guess I really can't complain.
He vacuums carpets, washes clothes,
two gifts more dear than gem or rose.



ella, I liked this one from this year’s NaPM. I see you are well into your edit.

Some minor things I noticed in my read were that:

‘I’ll gag’ sounds like you and not the vacuum. Perhaps something ‘snuff’ or ‘quench’ would work better.

Do you need that ‘and’ in line two of stanza two? It adds an extra syllable. However, I am pronouncing por-ce-lain as three syllables.

Also, are those chores really ‘more dear’ or ‘as dear.’

See what you think. It’s an adorable poem./Chris

[ellajam]

Edit 1 (true, keith)

Someday I'll trade the vacuum for
a dusty house that's calm, at least
I'll gag its irritating roar.
I'd rather cook a full-blown feast,
my kitchen humming in my head:
the hissing pan for meat or crepe,
the soothing squeak of dough for bread
against the board, the beater's scrape.

Alone I clear each meal's debris
and scrub the porcelain sink, again
the dinner cleanup's left to me;
I guess I really can't complain.
He vacuums carpets, washes clothes,
two gifts more dear than gem or rose.



ella, I liked this one from this year’s NaPM. I see you are well into your edit.

Some minor things I noticed in my read were that:

‘I’ll gag’ sounds like you and not the vacuum. Perhaps something ‘snuff’ or ‘quench’ would work better.

Do you need that ‘and’ in line two of stanza two? It adds an extra syllable. However, I am pronouncing por-ce-lain as three syllables.

Also, are those chores really ‘more dear’ or ‘as dear.’

See what you think. It’s an adorable poem./Chris

Thanks for the reading and commenting, Chris.

Yes, gag may be a poor choice.

The "and" actually is for meter, I'm saying
and scrub the porcelain sink, again.
Maybe you should try it with a Brooklyn accent, we drop syllables all over.
I believe you are correct on porcelain, seems I've indulged in a bit of poet's wishful thinking. The "and" is filler I shouldn't have used to start with. I'll try to clean it up.

I'll hold on the last line, the women I know readily admit it's the best gift ever. *happy girl smiley*

[billy]

hi ella.
on the first line i read [for] as unstressed
other than that the meter of the sonnet seems good, as do the end rhymes. the title works well
just a few nits from me. in the odd place i the mid line period made me falter a little. you have some good alliteration with the s's and b's
wish i could be more help.

thanks for the read.

Edit 1 (true, keith)

Someday I'll trade the vacuum for
a dusty house that's calm, at least
I'll gag its irritating roar. not a bad opening, gag here works well for me, i liked the 2nd line best at first [at least] on that line didn't work for me but after a few reads i think it really does
I'd rather cook a full-blown feast,
my kitchen humming in my head: isn't it a given that it's yours, a suggestion would be [the kitchen] and to change [the hissing] on the next line for [a hissing]
the hissing pan for meat or crepe,
the soothing squeak of dough for bread and [the] at the start of this line to [that] like it feels part of you
against the board, the beater's scrape. the comma feels like a false break to me

Alone I clear each meal's debris
and scrub the porcelain sink, again
the dinner cleanup's left to me;
I guess I really can't complain.
He vacuums carpets, washes clothes,
two gifts more dear than gem or rose. good ending


*from NaPM

[ellajam]

hi ella.
on the first line i read [for] as unstressed
other than that the meter of the sonnet seems good, as do the end rhymes. the title works well
just a few nits from me. in the odd place i the mid line period made me falter a little. you have some good alliteration with the s's and b's
wish i could be more help.

thanks for the read.

Edit 1 (true, keith)

Someday I'll trade the vacuum for
a dusty house that's calm, at least
I'll gag its irritating roar. not a bad opening, gag here works well for me, i liked the 2nd line best at first [at least] on that line didn't work for me but after a few reads i think it really does
I'd rather cook a full-blown feast,
my kitchen humming in my head: isn't it a given that it's yours, a suggestion would be [the kitchen] and to change [the hissing] on the next line for [a hissing]
the hissing pan for meat or crepe,
the soothing squeak of dough for bread and [the] at the start of this line to [that] like it feels part of you
against the board, the beater's scrape. the comma feels like a false break to me

Alone I clear each meal's debris
and scrub the porcelain sink, again
the dinner cleanup's left to me;
I guess I really can't complain.
He vacuums carpets, washes clothes,
two gifts more dear than gem or rose. good ending


*from NaPM

Thanks for reading, billy, and for calling me out on that bad "for". I'll think of something better and look at the pronouns lurking in the kitchen, appreciate your comments.