poetryattempted
Unregistered
should i?
could i?
do i want to?
what if i mess up?
poor examples
all around me
yet the pressure lives
i love
my life
as it is now
is there enough time?
logic tells me
money money
world will turn around
yet i
wonder
what end would be
why must i decide?
i see the joy
the selfless love
guiding little E
at times
witness
is all i need
will i have regrets?
people telling
all of the time
this is the right path
listen
smile, nod
no advice helps me
how do some just know?
should i?
could i?
do I want to?
can i really choose?
Thanks so much for your feedback! I'm 100% new to writing poetry but have been feeling compelled to write lately
Posts: 378
Threads: 8
Joined: Mar 2013
Hi attempted,
The great thing about poetry is there are no mess ups, just early drafts. And, according to our standard, if you are compelled to write then that makes you a true poet.
Avoid cliches like "the right path" and things like woulda coulda shoulda, try to find your own words and say what you are trying to say in a new way. Oftentimes a good way to do that is by creating an experience with images and sounds, taste, touch, etc.
Check out the practice threads and read through some of the stickys and discussions.
Good luck.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
we were all new to poetry at one time.
for an early poem it's pretty good. it read like the person in the poem is deciding whether to keep the child of abort. (it's what i get form it)
have a look in the poetry practice section on the site and elsewhere in general.
at first read the poem fel bland but after a couple more it seems to need to be that way, it's indecisiveness shows more by the blandness i fist disliked. it's actually a much better read than i first thought. that said, i would have liked it to be a little more defined and a few more poetic devices such as assonance, consonance and or alliteration, also try and ask the questions in an original way if possible.
(07-29-2014, 09:18 AM)poetryattempted Wrote: should i?
could i?
do i want to? maybe just use the last question mark [i see the first two lines ending with a comma]
what if i mess up?
poor examples
all around me no need for me as all the I's make this a given really
yet the pressure lives
i love
my life
as it is now
is there enough time?
logic tells me
money money
world will turn around
yet i
wonder
what end would be
why must i decide?
i see the joy
the selfless love
guiding little E
at times
witness
is all i need
will i have regrets?
people telling
all of the time
this is the right path
listen
smile, nod
no advice helps me
how do some just know?
should i?
could i?
do I want to? same again with the question marks
can i really choose?
Thanks so much for your feedback! I'm 100% new to writing poetry but have been feeling compelled to write lately
Posts: 845
Threads: 57
Joined: Aug 2013
Welcome to poetry PA. Existential pondering is often a subject for first poems, but is difficult to engage/interest the reader with bland introspection. This piece would be improved by eliminating many of the questions. The 'should a', 'could a', 'want a' queries are a bit weak to open with. You need to incorporate some metaphor and images to draw the reader in. Good luck with your next edit and pursuit of poetry./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
I understand the thought process behind your writing. We all have moments where we sit and wonder why we're here, what it all means and whether we're on the right track. However, I wish you had painted a more specific picture with your words. Initially I didn't like this poem, after reading it aloud a few times though I am beginning to wonder if it's not lovely in it's own simplicity. Your words have made me think about life as a very stark, fractured and short experience, just like your poem.
