A Sonnet Inspired by Marlowe's Faustus

[alatos]

Edit 1:
I too, like Faust, have sold my timeless trace,
exchanging four and twenty unstained years
for an eternity in the embrace
of what before me endlessly appears.
My deathless soul? I killed it with a kiss,
and now a wasting body slithers on
through its return to dust, to Abaddon:
unfading rapture given up for this?

My Amaranth is gone – betrayed unto
the Jungle’s weeds. Ambition’s Judas gave
my substance for some forty coins, a life
abandoned for a gilded fortune; threw
away my heart, still pumping, to the grave,
carved out by desperate Simon Peter’s knife.


I too, like Faust, have sold my timeless trace,
exchanging four and twenty unstained years
for the eternity in the embrace
of what before me endlessly appears.
My deathless soul? I killed it with a kiss.
And now a fading body slithers on
through its return to dust, to Abaddon:
perennial rapture given up for this?

My Amaranth is gone – betrayed unto
the Jungle’s weeds. But unlike Faust, I gave
my substance for the future, my living
for a gilded fortune. My lips accrue,
as they repent, no pity from the grave,
no peace, no hope: time is unforgiving.

[Leanne]

I too, like Faust, have sold my timeless trace, -- consider "Like Faust, I too..."
exchanging four and twenty unstained years
for the eternity in the embrace -- you have "the" on the strong stresses twice in this line, which makes for very awkward reading, especially consider the only important words here are "eternity" and "embrace" and the rest are fillers
of what before me endlessly appears. -- "of what before me" is a waste of words -- you're missing an opportunity for descriptive, lyrical language, which is after all the point of a sonnet
My deathless soul? I killed it with a kiss. -- shouldn't be a full stop here
And now a fading body slithers on
through its return to dust, to Abaddon:
perennial rapture given up for this? -- I'm sure you know already that this line is crowded and to keep the meter it needs to be rushed, which shouldn't happen

My Amaranth is gone – betrayed unto
the Jungle’s weeds. But unlike Faust, I gave
my substance for the future, my living -- if you're going to have a double rhyme at the end, you need an extra syllable so that the stress doesn't fall incorrectly on the "-ing"
for a gilded fortune. My lips accrue, -- strong stress on "a" is unpleasant
as they repent, no pity from the grave,
no peace, no hope: time is unforgiving. -- you just get away with this because of the hard caesura of the colon, but if this could be reworded into perfect meter it would be much stronger

For me, this lacks the lyric quality a sonnet ought to have -- meter should seem effortless and rhyme should pass relatively unnoticed rather than driving the poem. Remember that you are in charge of the poem, not the other way around -- if something doesn't work, pull it apart and start it again.

[alatos]

thanks for that helpful advice, Leanne! Here's the first revision:

I too, like Faust, have sold my timeless trace,
exchanging four and twenty unstained years
for an eternity in the embrace
of what before me endlessly appears.
My deathless soul? I killed it with a kiss,
and now a wasting body slithers on
through its return to dust, to Abaddon:
unfading rapture given up for this?

My Amaranth is gone – betrayed unto
the Jungle’s weeds. Ambition’s Judas gave
my substance for some forty coins, a life
abandoned for a gilded fortune; threw
away my heart, still pumping, to the grave,
carved out by desperate Simon Peter’s knife.

[billy]

it's easier if you do an edit and put it above the original with edit above it.
still needs some work but you'll get there, i notice a lot of Leanne's suggestions went unheeded and that's okay, sadly it really was good advice and all i can do is reinforce her thought.
thanks for the read.

thanks for that helpful advice, Leanne! Here's the first revision:

I too, like Faust, have sold my timeless trace, i think Leanne advised [like Faust, I too.... i agree with her.
exchanging four and twenty unstained years
for an eternity in the embrace
of what before me endlessly appears.
My deathless soul? I killed it with a kiss, i think a semi colon instead of question mark as it's more of a statemented first clause.
and now a wasting body slithers on
through its return to dust, to Abaddon:
unfading rapture given up for this?

My Amaranth is gone – betrayed unto
the Jungle’s weeds. Ambition’s Judas gave i preferred the original line, as judas and jungle have no connection for me. .
my substance for some forty coins – a life,
abandoned for a gilded fortune - threw
away my heart, still pumping, to the grave,
carved out by desperate Simon Peter’s knife. you start with a stress and use an extra syllable. a suggestion; [carved out by desperate Simon Peter’s knife.] who is simon peter?

[alatos]

it's easier if you do an edit and put it above the original with edit above it.
still needs some work but you'll get there, i notice a lot of Leanne's suggestions went unheeded and that's okay, sadly it really was good advice and all i can do is reinforce her thought.
thanks for the read.

thanks for that helpful advice, Leanne! Here's the first revision:

I too, like Faust, have sold my timeless trace, i think Leanne advised [like Faust, I too.... i agree with her.
exchanging four and twenty unstained years
for an eternity in the embrace
of what before me endlessly appears.
My deathless soul? I killed it with a kiss, i think a semi colon instead of question mark as it's more of a statemented first clause.
and now a wasting body slithers on
through its return to dust, to Abaddon:
unfading rapture given up for this?

My Amaranth is gone – betrayed unto
the Jungle’s weeds. Ambition’s Judas gave i preferred the original line, as judas and jungle have no connection for me. .
my substance for some forty coins – a life,
abandoned for a gilded fortune - threw
away my heart, still pumping, to the grave,
carved out by desperate Simon Peter’s knife. you start with a stress and use an extra syllable. a suggestion; [carved out by desperate Simon Peter’s knife.] who is simon peter?

Thanks Billy. I am open to Leanne's suggestion on "Like Faust, I too," but I don't understand the advantage, and I don't want to change my work just cause someone suggested it. Could you explain why you like her wording better?

The Judas/Jungle connection is weak admittedly, but to me it is there. Judas betrayed Jesus in a Garden. Jungle also echoes back to Eden, with the earlier references to the Serpent and creation from dust. Honestly, that's sort of grasping at straws though, and I agree I think it needs revision.

I think in the final line we have a difference in pronunciation. I say desperate in two syllables... it is probably a regional thing, as everyone I know does as well. And I naturally stress 'carved OUT', to me "CARVED out" sounds strange. Simon Peter was Jesus' disciple, and cut off a guard's ear the night when Judas betrayed Jesus in the garden.

[Leanne]

"Like" is a weaker syllable than "I" -- reversing the word order will improve the meter. Additionally, I feel it's more powerful to introduce Faust before the generic I.

[milo]

"Like" is a weaker syllable than "I" -- reversing the word order will improve the meter. Additionally, I feel it's more powerful to introduce Faust before the generic I.

I found "I too" both awkward and "filler sounding". A more natural line would be:

Like Faust, I've sold my timeless trace.

[alatos]

"Like" is a weaker syllable than "I" -- reversing the word order will improve the meter. Additionally, I feel it's more powerful to introduce Faust before the generic I.

Thank you. I understand your point now, and I agree.

[billy]

i have no need to reply now but simply because it reads better, i also agree with milo that I too could be strengthened with a slight change. also I too makes me think you're not the only one.

and no worries about what you want to keep or discard etc, it's all just suggestions for yo to ponder. i will say leanne and milo really do what they're talking about when it comes to meter and sonnets etc.

[Leanne]

i will say leanne and milo really do what they're talking about when it comes to meter and sonnets etc.

Only don't take milo's advice on this one, because he's left you a foot short

Like Faust, I've sold my timeless trace.

[Truerenigma]

I think what he meant is that the ip is unjustified. cut all the filler and awkward modifiers and you're left with a more immediate verse in it:

a wasting body slithers on
returns to dust @ abbadon

etc

[milo]

I think what he meant is that the ip is unjustified. cut all the filler and awkward modifiers and you're left with a more immediate verse in it:

a wasting body slithers on
returns to dust @ abbadon

etc

what he said. And the issue prevails throughout. Hence I say "filler". Sometimes tetrameter is better. Sometimes no meter is better. Filler is almost never better imo. "Like Faust" already means "I too" so the wording is superfluous. Why not just add "also" as well.

[Leanne]

It's not the meter that's to blame. Superfluity in sonnets is rife and I agree, it needs to be stamped out -- but we're in the novice forum here, remember.

[milo]

It's not the meter that's to blame. Superfluity in sonnets is rife and I agree, it needs to be stamped out -- but we're in the novice forum here, remember.

I only made one suggestion - seemed adequate enough for novice.