Mechanized Man (Edit #5)

[gernseeker]

(Edit #5)

Mechanized Man

Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s lead legs
will cheat, he sets his watch five minutes fast
to make slow months crawl quickly but still begs
to know these hurried years won’t be his last.

His body’s spent and tight-wound mind refutes
clear choice: define his time or be defined
too soon. He sleeps, a fool, denying truth
with a lie: his life’s a race, he fell behind.

Instead, the wiser man will treasure how
this breath delights, that death’s a new life won.
He’ll split a second gently then, and now
divide – divided moments shine, undone.

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot,
must watch the man who lives: his clock ticks not.


(tec I like "this and that", "then and now" in consecutive lines)

(Line 5 is still problematic but your edit leaves me a half-foot short. Lemme think)

thank you all.

[Truerenigma]

(Edit #5)

Mechanized Man

Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s lead legs
will cheat, he sets his watch five minutes fast
to make slow months crawl quickly but still begs
to know these hurried years won’t be his last.

His body’s spent and tight-wound mind refutes
clear choice: define his time or be defined
too soon. He sleeps, a fool, denying truth
with a lie: his life’s a race, he fell behind.

Instead, the wiser man will treasure how
this breath delights, that death’s a new life won.
He’ll split a second gently then, and now
divide – divided moments shine, undone.

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot,
must watch the man who lives: his clock ticks not.


(tec I like "this and that", "then and now" in consecutive lines)

(Line 5 is still problematic but your edit leaves me a half-foot short. Lemme think)

thank you all.

You might want to think of a way to adjust the tone or address and make it more subtle and less preachy, who knows, that might help the rest fall in place for you.

[billy]

good attempt at a sonnet i'm not sure Mechanized Man works as the title as it makes it show up three times when included with the other two time. for me if you want it as the title think about changing the first line, of do as many did and use the whole 1st line as the title
when doing an edit try and keep it in the same post as the original so we can compare. is see this is the 5th edit but have little idea if it's better or worse than the other 4. i like that the mech man is only such because he;s a clock watcher with little vision or hope or sense of being.
i don't see the 1st line as being iambic pentameter and i think the meter on a couple of other lines may be suspect. hopefully one of our meter masters might have a better insight about them than i.

back to the first line. a suggestion would be to start with

the Mecha Man who dreads each day’s lead legs

thanks for the read.

(Edit #5)

Mechanized Man

Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s lead legs is a comma needed?
will cheat, he sets his watch five minutes fast
to make slow months crawl quickly but still begs
to know these hurried years won’t be his last.

His body’s spent and tight-wound mind refutes
clear choice: define his time or be defined
too soon. He sleeps, a fool, denying truth
with a lie: his life’s a race, he fell behind. is there an extra half foot in the line?

Instead, the wiser man will treasure how
this breath delights, that death’s a new life won.
He’ll split a second gently then, and now
divide – divided moments shine, undone.

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot,
must watch the man who lives: his clock ticks not. good ending couplet that succinctly compares the two men.


(tec I like "this and that", "then and now" in consecutive lines)

(Line 5 is still problematic but your edit leaves me a half-foot short. Lemme think)

thank you all.