Evening Drive (edit 1)

[Alexearth]

Skipping engine, determined-
calmly, hair waving in the aimless gust
of a troubled Norther horizon.
Evening drive down Lone Star boulevards,
through Latin notes and voices,
youth kicking ball on public playgrounds
near the sidewalk,
on the outskirts,
passing boots and buried dreams on porches of
roadhouses
& dusky motels.
Sudden rain on tropic concrete,
familiar smells,
neon discussions-
calmly, hair wet and dripping down the leather seat,
a newcomer on the other one.
Soon the country hills surface in the sweet bleak moment of
new union and all is left behind.



Escape-

New dawn coffee & breakfast
staring in the whites,
faint blues notes of
lost desert moments;
tanned angels surrounding,
in native tongue;
blazing sand
and eyes.


Escape-

For dialects of addiction,
fellow loss
of purpose, of soul, of truth;
they stood on the side of the road
choosing the soft
taxidermy of youth.

[Leanne]

Skipping engine, determined-
calmly, hair waving in the aimless gust -- why the adverb?
of a troubled Norther horizon. -- Northern?
Evening drive down Lone Star boulevards,
through Latin notes and voices,
youth kicking ball on public playgrounds -- just one ball on multiple playgrounds?
near the sidewalk,
on the outskirts,
passing boots and buried dreams on porches of
roadhouses
& dusky motels. -- these 3 lines are strong but I'm not convinced you break in the best place -- you end up with one line ending in "of" and one starting with an ampersand, which seems a waste of the most powerful parts of your lines
Sudden rain on tropic concrete,
familiar smells,
neon discussions-
calmly, hair wet and dripping down the leather seat, -- again with the "calmly" -- I still can't see the point
a newcomer on the other one. -- might consider dropping "one"
Soon the country hills surface in the sweet bleak moment of
new union and all is left behind. -- interesting change in tone and structure



Escape-

New dawn coffee & breakfast
staring in the whites,
faint blues notes of
lost desert moments;
tanned angels surrounding, -- probably don't need the comma here
in native tongue;
blazing sand
and eyes. -- would you consider "blazing sand,/ blazing eyes"? As it is now, the eyes just seem prosaic and tacked on


Escape-

For dialects of addiction,
fellow loss
of purpose, of soul, of truth; -- perhaps you could drop the 2nd and 3rd "of" to make a more concise list
they stood on the side of the road -- comma here?
choosing the soft
taxidermy of youth.

[Alexearth]

Skipping engine, determined-
calmly, hair waving in the aimless gust -- why the adverb?
of a troubled Norther horizon. -- Northern?
Evening drive down Lone Star boulevards,
through Latin notes and voices,
youth kicking ball on public playgrounds -- just one ball on multiple playgrounds?
near the sidewalk,
on the outskirts,
passing boots and buried dreams on porches of
roadhouses
& dusky motels. -- these 3 lines are strong but I'm not convinced you break in the best place -- you end up with one line ending in "of" and one starting with an ampersand, which seems a waste of the most powerful parts of your lines
Sudden rain on tropic concrete,
familiar smells,
neon discussions-
calmly, hair wet and dripping down the leather seat, -- again with the "calmly" -- I still can't see the point
a newcomer on the other one. -- might consider dropping "one"
Soon the country hills surface in the sweet bleak moment of
new union and all is left behind. -- interesting change in tone and structure



Escape-

New dawn coffee & breakfast
staring in the whites,
faint blues notes of
lost desert moments;
tanned angels surrounding, -- probably don't need the comma here
in native tongue;
blazing sand
and eyes. -- would you consider "blazing sand,/ blazing eyes"? As it is now, the eyes just seem prosaic and tacked on


Escape-

For dialects of addiction,
fellow loss
of purpose, of soul, of truth; -- perhaps you could drop the 2nd and 3rd "of" to make a more concise list
they stood on the side of the road -- comma here?
choosing the soft
taxidermy of youth.

Thank you for your help Leanne!

A norther is the name for Southern US states for a type of storm coming from the North.

Also in the line "blazing sand and eyes." I wanted to implicitly say that the eyes were also blazing.

Otherwise I agree on most of what you said. Thanks again!


Alex

[Alexearth]

Here is my first edit for this one:


Skipping engine, determined-
hair waving in the aimless gust
of a troubled Norther horizon.

Evening drive down Lone Star boulevards,
through Latin notes and voices,
youth kicking ball on public playground
near the sidewalk,
on the outskirts,
passing boots and buried dreams on
porches of roadhouses & dusky motels.

Sudden rain on tropic concrete

familiar smells,
neon discussions-

hair wet and dripping down the leather seat,
a newcomer on the other.

Soon the country hills surface in the sweet bleak moment of
new union and all is left behind.


*


New dawn coffee & breakfast
staring in the whites,
faint blues notes of
lost desert moments;
tanned angels surrounding
in native tongue;
blazing sand
/eyes.


For dialects of addiction,
fellow loss
of purpose, soul and truth;
they stood on the side of the road,
choosing the soft
taxidermy of youth.

[Willahelm]

Here is my first edit for this one:


Skipping engine, determined-
hair waving in the aimless gust
of a troubled Norther horizon.
I feel this is too ambiguous. Where is the main verb?

Evening drive down Lone Star boulevards, Do you mean "an evening..."?
through Latin notes and voices,
youth kicking ball on public playground(same as above)
near the sidewalk,
on the outskirts,
passing boots and buried dreams on
porches of roadhouses & dusky motels.

I feel as if there is a main verb missing in this stanza. Perhaps I'm missing something glaring in my face

Sudden rain on tropic concrete

familiar smells,
neon discussions-

hair wet and dripping down the leather seat,
a newcomer on the other.

Soon the country hills surface in the sweet bleak moment of
new union and all is left behind.


*


New dawn coffee & breakfast
staring in the whites,
faint blues notes of
lost desert moments;
tanned angels surrounding
in native tongue;
blazing sand
/eyes.

I think I can really feel the poem here. Nice imagery helps a lot! Good.

For dialects of addiction,
fellow loss
of purpose, soul and truth;
they stood on the side of the road,
choosing the soft
taxidermy of youth. (Very interesting imagery!)

[Alexearth]

Here is my first edit for this one:


Skipping engine, determined-
hair waving in the aimless gust
of a troubled Norther horizon.
I feel this is too ambiguous. Where is the main verb?

Evening drive down Lone Star boulevards, Do you mean "an evening..."?
through Latin notes and voices,
youth kicking ball on public playground(same as above)
near the sidewalk,
on the outskirts,
passing boots and buried dreams on
porches of roadhouses & dusky motels.

I feel as if there is a main verb missing in this stanza. Perhaps I'm missing something glaring in my face

Sudden rain on tropic concrete

familiar smells,
neon discussions-

hair wet and dripping down the leather seat,
a newcomer on the other.

Soon the country hills surface in the sweet bleak moment of
new union and all is left behind.


*


New dawn coffee & breakfast
staring in the whites,
faint blues notes of
lost desert moments;
tanned angels surrounding
in native tongue;
blazing sand
/eyes.

I think I can really feel the poem here. Nice imagery helps a lot! Good.

For dialects of addiction,
fellow loss
of purpose, soul and truth;
they stood on the side of the road,
choosing the soft
taxidermy of youth. (Very interesting imagery!)

Willahelm,

tell me if I'm wrong doing this, but the lack of verbs in the first stanza is a technique to describe a scene in a fast way, to express the motion of images (like in a car).

thanks for your reply Willahelm

Alex

[Pink_Bunny]

I was impressed that you were not only able to make so many observations of what was going on around you while you were driving that evening, but you were able to turn it into a poem based on your memories of this. Very nice and I felt like I was taken for a journey on this one. Precious sends warm regards.

Kisses!