It Was a Hack Job

[Celestina Waters]

The acned boy behind the counter handed me my change
He must have had a good eye
for he asked if I had surgery on my wrist.
The light scar on my left wrist tingled with recognition,
I responded without hesitation that at thirteen I tried to do surgery on myself,
"It was a hack job."

I sat down outside and looked deeply at my 30 year old handy work
Feeling the downward cord, the faded 42 stitches still translucent visible,
A millipede of morbid memories.

Mom asked where I was digging to with that pen cap,
my soul?
There was no pain
There was no pain
Only in my mind so full of trauma I just wanted to let the horror escape.

Why still do I clench this healed fist in anger?
I felt like a failure in life
My scar reminds me I failed death
No one knew a thing about mental illness
Just that I had a psychotic break.
I went Hannibal Lectar on my own wrist!!!

I run my fingers over the smooth pale worm,
Thirty six stitches dissolved under my skin, holding sinu and tendons together.
"Plastic surgery" for six hours, how posh.
There was no residual remembrance
Just the scar,
faded in time
with the trauma.

I sip my espresso and wonder at time
How dare I thought someday I would have a beautiful life?
That I ever deserved joy or friendship was possible.
Shaking my wrist as if making the negativity
disappear,
It itches for a moment.
I look out in the distance at a life well lived
Wanting to thank the coffee guy for this moment of reflection.

[Truerenigma]

The acned boy behind the counter handed me my change
He must have had a good eye
for he asked if I had surgery on my wrist.

"For" is very old fashioned and strange here; consider a semi-colon to end L2 so that you can cut it.

The light scar on my left wrist tingled with recognition,
I responded without hesitation that at thirteen I tried to do surgery on myself,
"It was a hack job."

I'm not sure if the "hack job" line is needed. All that stuff about "without hesitation" can probably go too; it is not necessary yet to let the reader know it was a lie. Let them figure it out on there own.

There was no pain
There was no pain
Only in my mind so full of trauma I just wanted to let the horror escape.

These lines are trite emo and should be cut.

Why still do I clench this healed fist in anger?
I felt like a failure in life
My scar reminds me I failed death
No one knew a thing about mental illness
Just that I had a psychotic break.
I went Hannibal Lectar on my own wrist!!!

Hannibal Lectar ate human flesh. I don't think the narrator was hungry. You should probably cut this stanza too. The only thing I find fairly interesting that you might push a little harder to make work is the "failed in death" idea because it's a little bit different than the usual run-o-the mill. You are on well worn ground here and the trick is going to be keeping it fresh and only letting in that which is absolutely necessary to evoke this specific experience of retrospection.

I run my fingers over the smooth pale worm,
Thirty six stitches dissolved under my skin, holding sinu and tendons together.
"Plastic surgery" for six hours, how posh.
There was no residual remembrance
Just the scar,
faded in time
with the trauma.

The pale worm is good. I like the little bite in the tone in "how posh". Semi-colon to end the first line in this stanza may be a good idea. The imagery is good. Clear. Effective.

I sip my espresso and wonder at time
How dare I thought someday I would have a beautiful life?

This sentence needs another pass to untangle the grammar and tenses.

That I ever deserved joy or friendship was possible.

Same here. Best I can come up with by way of suggestion is list form:

I sip my espresso and wonder at time:
I thought someday I would have a beautiful life;
That I deserved joy and friendship was possible.

There is still a problem here though; it is abstract and melodramatic and doesn't actually engage the senses or evoke experience. There might be a metaphor that can work here. Since the narrator is wondering about time, something that metaphorically symbolizes brevity or change may be appropriate.

Shaking my wrist as if making the negativity
disappear,
It itches for a moment.

The abstract negativity is ineffective here, and doesn't itch. "Shaking my wrist as if it were an etch-e-sketch" is the first suggestion that comes to mind though I'm sure there is a better option.

I look out in the distance at a life well lived
Wanting to thank the coffee guy for this moment of reflection.

This is pretty good, but it may be nice to see an actually reflection, maybe in the coffee house window or something.



I usually wouldn't give something like this a second glance simply because the whole slit-wrist thing is so over-done. But the mature adult looking back is a little different, I think, and it so clearly conveys specific experience in the narrative that I think it's worth another pass or two. Try focusing on maturity, and the textile details of the present, things that may almost seem mundane, and use them to convey the reflection in a specific way that is not overly dramatic or sentimental, but collected mature and inciteful.

Thanks for posting.

[Celestina Waters]

Wow! I am really going to work on this piece for all the insight you shed. The title is the only way to show, I made a hole in my wrist an did chew through tendons and veins, thus the Hanibal Lector.
Seriously, I am going to make this poem something to be proud of. I am s survivor!

[Brownlie]

Well, I have to admit I'm a little afraid to comment because I'm not sure if the troll means your an internet troll, but I'll give it a whirl. The first thing I noticed about this is that there is a lot of superfluous information that actually hinders the poem.

The acned boy behind the counter handed me my change -- You could find a more specific word than "boy."
He must have had a good eye -- I don't think this line and the "for" in the next line are necessary.
for he asked if I had surgery on my wrist.
The light scar on my left wrist tingled with recognition, -- Maybe use a different word than wrist to express a similar idea. Also, if you're repeating the same word that may be a sign that you could tighten up the language.
I responded without hesitation that at thirteen I tried to do surgery on myself, -- I'm not sure you need this part, you may be able to say "It was a hack job," I responded.
"It was a hack job."

I sat down outside and looked deeply at my 30 year old handy work
Feeling the downward cord, the faded 42 stitches still translucent visible, -- translucent visible is awkward.

A millipede of morbid memories. -- The jangling alliteration may be hurting you here.

Mom asked where I was digging to with that pen cap,
my soul?
There was no pain
There was no pain
Only in my mind so full of trauma I just wanted to let the horror escape. -- I think the thoughts of the narrator may be impeding your poem.

Why still do I clench this healed fist in anger? -- The syntax is awkward here. Where is the scar? something like I clench/clenched my fist may work better as it is a more tangible action, or something. But, the problem of the scar being on the wrist and not the fist is still there.
I felt like a failure in life
My scar reminds me I failed death
No one knew a thing about mental illness
Just that I had a psychotic break.
I went Hannibal Lectar on my own wrist!!! -- I sort of like the humor, and the sentiment of failing at suicide has been done, but is still somewhat interesting. However, the way it is flatly stated seems to hinder the poem. I'm not trying to deride your writing I'm just trying to enforce the point that the poem may work better if the nouns and verbs speak for themselves.

I run my fingers over the smooth pale worm,
Thirty six stitches dissolved under my skin, holding sinu and tendons together. -- Sinew
"Plastic surgery" for six hours, how posh.
There was no residual remembrance
Just the scar,
faded in time
with the trauma.

I sip my espresso and wonder at time -- Now, this sounds like a broad statement I might make in a poem, but it is quite a general wonder.

How dare I thought someday I would have a beautiful life? -- The grammar is off here.
That I ever deserved joy or friendship was possible.
Shaking my wrist as if making the negativity
disappear, -- Again, the way the words are arranged reads awkwardly.
It itches for a moment. -- The itch is good, you may be able to exploit that.
I look out in the distance at a life well lived
Wanting to thank the coffee guy for this moment of reflection.

Well, I left some comments that may be helpful.

[Celestina Waters]

I want to erase this mess and start all over.

[Brownlie]

I want to erase this mess and start all over.

Well, I think you have some stuff to work with here. I mean a guy seeing a suicide scar and thinking it is from a surgery is pretty interesting.

[Truerenigma]

I want to erase this mess and start all over.

No need to erase it. It's a workshop. The idea is to revise and post it above the original. You'll be surprised how far it can go with a little help and feedback!

And remember to help others with their poems too.

[John Galt]

I want to erase this mess and start all over.

Be careful not to lost the great ideas of, millipede, which is a fantastic thought for the scar and stitches.

Translucent, is also a great thought that delivers on the imagery of the scar coupled with millipede.

You were right to put "hack job" in inverted comma's it worked because of that, I sometimes do that if I am acknowledging a cliche.

I also liked pale worm.

All the best. JG