Slow news day

[Keith]

Edit (trueenigma,tectak)

The first to leave the room
were your cats,
followed by a stench
breaching the doorway,
snarling across my face,
the heat only made things worse.

I turned off the breakfast show
and placed a cushion over the scars,
leaving the remote in your grip,
just pressing the button
without touching flesh.
I didn't want to feel the cold.

Two lots of Saturday papers
missed their morning coffee
and completed crosswords.
Then on Wednesday
you were headline news.
'Blood on her shoes'
the pets had slept at your feet
and feasted on swollen ankles.

I opened a window
through which the cats returned.
I would like to say, sorry for their actions,
but they only wanted water
to quench their thirst for blood.

I saw you later that day
in a teal dress and matching hat,
the one you sometimes wore for church;
stepping out of house
into the arms of family and friends
I'd never seen before.
You looked less alive
but happy.

Don’t blame the cats,
the local paper said
it’s natural to try to survive.



Original

The first thing to leave the room
were your cats,
followed by a stench,
breaching the doorway
snarling across my face,
the heat only made things worse.

Two lots of Saturday papers
you missed.
Then on Wednesday
you were weekly news.
Blood on your shoes,
the pets had slept at your feet
and feasted on swollen ankles.

I turned off the breakfast show
and placed a cushion over the scars,
leaving the remote in your grip,
just pressing the button
without touching flesh.
I didn’t want to feel the cold.

I opened a window
through which the cats returned.
I would like to say, sorry for their actions,
but they only wanted water
to quench their thirst for blood.

I saw you later that day,
in a teal dress and matching hat
you sometimes wore for church.
Closing the gate behind you,
greeted by family and friends
I'd never seen before.
You looked less alive
but happy.
Don’t blame the cats,
the weekly said
it’s natural to try and survive.

[Truerenigma]

Hi Keith. Great poem. Brilliantly titled.

Only suggestion is to cut "thing" in L1. You have a strange unit or creature made up of multiple cats and cats are too temperamental for that.

I really love this. I liked it right away but it took a minute to build and form and it's brilliant.

oh and you might try a colon to end S5L3; what follows isn't exactly a sentence.

Thank you for the poem.

[tectak]

The first thing to leave the room "things..were" or "thing...was". One or more cats? Your poem.
were your cats,
followed by a stench,
breaching the doorway Needs something or it's "..breaching the doorway snarling...". Line breaks do not make good punctuation.
snarling across my face, Pedantically a period. There is no purpose in a comma and less in a colon of any flavour, as you actually WANT to seperate this last line from the previous.
the heat only made things worse.

Two lots of Saturday papers
you missed. Well, an inversion it is, as is this, BUT...I think you get away with it contextually
Then on Wednesday
you were weekly news. I cannot say that "weekly" is the mot juste. Surely "headline" works to the advantage of the piece. "Weekly" implies the collective, "headline" is the imperative.
Blood on your shoes,
the pets had slept at your feet
and feasted on swollen ankles. A deliciously gruesome turn. Well done. My only crit is that the the whole phrase manifestly shows where inversions can go wrong. It is the clunkiness of "...on your shoes, the pets had..." that irritates.

I turned off the breakfast show
and placed a cushion over the scars,
leaving the remote in your grip,
just pressing the button
without touching flesh. Nicely Hitchcocked
I didn’t want to feel the cold.Forgive me, but are these stanzas chronologically challenged? I mean, has the order got muxed ip? Should not your S2 be next? I am confused.

I opened a window
through which the cats returned.
I would like to say, sorry for their actions,
but they only wanted water
to quench their thirst for blood.

I saw you later that day,
in a teal dress and matching hat
you sometimes wore for church.
Closing the gate behind you,
greeted by family and friends
I'd never seen before. This is NOT a sentence so amalgamate it with the previous by a semicolon after church. I often do.
You looked less alive
but happy.
Don’t blame the cats, Give it a chance. "DON'T BLAME THE CATS..."
the weekly said ...and if this is the "Weekly" you referred to earlier then it should have been capitalised to save me making an ass of myself.(...but I still think I am right
it’s natural to try and survive. Schoolboy howler. Sack the sub-editor. " ..to try TO survive.."

Yes to this. Where DO you gettem!? The grammar is too complicated for us both and I am beside a sparkling cool pool in 32 degrees with a camp campari-soda so I will....
Best,
tectak

[Keith]

Hi Keith. Great poem. Brilliantly titled.

Only suggestion is to cut "thing" in L1. You have a strange unit or creature made up of multiple cats and cats are too temperamental for that.

I really love this. I liked it right away but it took a minute to build and form and it's brilliant.

oh and you might try a colon to end S5L3; what follows isn't exactly a sentence.

Thank you for the poem.

Many thanks trueenigma, your comments make sense and I have used them in the edit, glad you enjoyed the poem. Best Keith

---

The first thing to leave the room "things..were" or "thing...was". One or more cats? Your poem.
were your cats,
followed by a stench,
breaching the doorway Needs something or it's "..breaching the doorway snarling...". Line breaks do not make good punctuation.
snarling across my face, Pedantically a period. There is no purpose in a comma and less in a colon of any flavour, as you actually WANT to seperate this last line from the previous.
the heat only made things worse.

Two lots of Saturday papers
you missed. Well, an inversion it is, as is this, BUT...I think you get away with it contextually
Then on Wednesday
you were weekly news. I cannot say that "weekly" is the mot juste. Surely "headline" works to the advantage of the piece. "Weekly" implies the collective, "headline" is the imperative.
Blood on your shoes,
the pets had slept at your feet
and feasted on swollen ankles. A deliciously gruesome turn. Well done. My only crit is that the the whole phrase manifestly shows where inversions can go wrong. It is the clunkiness of "...on your shoes, the pets had..." that irritates.

I turned off the breakfast show
and placed a cushion over the scars,
leaving the remote in your grip,
just pressing the button
without touching flesh. Nicely Hitchcocked
I didn’t want to feel the cold.Forgive me, but are these stanzas chronologically challenged? I mean, has the order got muxed ip? Should not your S2 be next? I am confused.

I opened a window
through which the cats returned.
I would like to say, sorry for their actions,
but they only wanted water
to quench their thirst for blood.

I saw you later that day,
in a teal dress and matching hat
you sometimes wore for church.
Closing the gate behind you,
greeted by family and friends
I'd never seen before. This is NOT a sentence so amalgamate it with the previous by a semicolon after church. I often do.
You looked less alive
but happy.
Don’t blame the cats, Give it a chance. "DON'T BLAME THE CATS..."
the weekly said ...and if this is the "Weekly" you referred to earlier then it should have been capitalised to save me making an ass of myself.(...but I still think I am right
it’s natural to try and survive. Schoolboy howler. Sack the sub-editor. " ..to try TO survive.."

Yes to this. Where DO you gettem!? The grammar is too complicated for us both and I am beside a sparkling cool pool in 32 degrees with a camp campari-soda so I will....
Best,
tectak

Thanks tectak, as ever you have influenced many changes that now appear in the edit, much obliged. I hope you enjoyed the campness of the campari-soda, I have just been chased in by barbecue raindrops in delicate blush. Best Keith