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Believe it or not I actually edited this thing, and changed a near rhyme to a more "pure" rhyme.
I work from below and before,
And mine in this bedrock for ore.
While hacking this stone,
I rabble and groan
That Jetson will always have more.
Original:
While mining this bedrock for ore,
I never see Spacely or George.
When hacking this stone,
I work and I groan
That Jetson will always have more.
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Lines one and two should rhyme.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(06-21-2014, 01:28 PM)Erthona Wrote: Lines one and two should rhyme.
Dale
George and ore is a near rhyme. I suppose that is a deviation. Thanks for commenting.
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(06-21-2014, 11:58 AM)Brownlie Wrote: Believe it or not I actually edited this thing, and changed a near rhyme to a more "pure" rhyme.
I work from below and before,
And mine in this bedrock for ore.
While hacking this stone,
I rabble and groan
That Jetson will always have more.
Original:
While mining this bedrock for ore,
I never see Spacely or George.
When hacking this stone,
I work and I groan
That Jetson will always have more.
Thought this was fun to read, I rather preferred the original post as it refers to the characters in The Flintstones and as such the audience immediately knows who the author is writing about without reading the title first. Having said that, I quite like this work. One suggestion is to perhaps think of the choice of rhyming words to make this piece more interesting:
When hacking this stone,
I work and I groan
Finally, I had trouble gleaning sense from the line below, perhaps this makes the first line of the poem feel forced?
I work from below and before,
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Hey Brownlie. I've read this a bunch of times and always enjoy it. I like the edit better than the original, other than my one note below.
(06-21-2014, 11:58 AM)Brownlie Wrote: Believe it or not I actually edited this thing, and changed a near rhyme to a more "pure" rhyme.
I work from below and before,
And mine in this bedrock for ore.I liked the original version of this line. It feels like you inserted "in" here, for meter's sake, but it doesn't really belong. I think you could still tinker with it.
While hacking this stone,
I rabble and groan
That Jetson will always have more.
Original:
While mining this bedrock for ore,
I never see Spacely or George.
When hacking this stone,
I work and I groan
That Jetson will always have more.
Thanks for sharing. -Paul
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The other day I had to decide between Disney Princess Gummy Vitamins and Flintstones supplements. Guess which I picked.
I'll be there in a minute.
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(07-04-2014, 12:49 PM)newsclippings Wrote: The other day I had to decide between Disney Princess Gummy Vitamins and Flintstones supplements. Guess which I picked.
...if this had the facebook 'like' I would like this post lol. So which did you choose anyway?
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Thanks for reading. I thought it was awfully strange that the blue collar Fred was down in Bedrock and the white collar Jetson was up in space.
I suppose below and before only makes sense when you compare the speaker, Fred, to George Jetson, but it is unclear. The word "in" is also superfluous, thanks for pointing that out.
As for the vitamins, I was going to say something funny about minerals and the stone-age but couldn't really think of anything. Disney's Bears would be funny if you placed it in the context of Shakespeare though (apparently Bears were a symbol of animalistic insanity in the Early Modern Period).
