Who Am I?

[TomSommerville]

Hi, Guys. I'm new here. I'm Tom and I'm 15. I've only recently started to write poetry and I'm addicted.

But anyway, here's my poem. All feedback (positive and negative) would be appreciated. It's called Who Am I, I hope you enjoy


I spend hours wondering over one question; who am I?
People think they know me as that guy
You know, who writes rhymes and incorporates high fives into night time
Cause there’s a deep thing inside that roams around my mind and holds it all tight
But really deep down, I’m shy
I put on an act that implies I’m some sadistic hard guy and spill out some white lies
And who wants to live with that kind of life?
I changed my ways to gain these mates
Lost all focus on these grades
Some days I just want to fade into a lake and sail away
Or maybe get layered in chains so I can embrace the pain
I just can’t play this game, not going to be labelled a fake
Save it, mate
I can’t lie; going back I wish I could have stayed the same
And they would name me great because I’m not under Satan’s reign
But people these days save their change
Just so they blaze some haze, and not to say that’s bad
But it’s just not for me
I’d rather bump a modern symphony
Blissfully see the steam rise out the machine as it makes me some British tea
Does that make me some frigging geek?
Just because I’m not a pretentious teens, who’s sipping lean in a weekly routine
I’m politely living my own dream, despite the fact it’s become riddled with lies
But the question remains, who am I?
That question hasn’t been answered but I will in time, but it’s not the person I have become

[Erthona]

You are what you practice, so if you practice being an asshole, that's what you will become. It's your behavior that is important, not what you think about yourself inside. In terms of the writing it reads more as disjointed prose, as there are none of the usual tropes associated with poetry. I will give you kudos for clarity. Most writing from kids around your age aren't nearly as clear or as grammatical (punctuation not withstanding).

Welcome to the site.

Dale

[tectak]

Hi, Guys. I'm new here. I'm Tom and I'm 15. I've only recently started to write poetry and I'm addicted.

But anyway, here's my poem. All feedback (positive and negative) would be appreciated. It's called Who Am I, I hope you enjoy


I spend hours wondering over one question; who am I?
People think they know me as that guy
You know, who writes rhymes and incorporates high fives into night time
Cause there’s a deep thing inside that roams around my mind and holds it all tight
But really deep down, I’m shy
I put on an act that implies I’m some sadistic hard guy and spill out some white lies
And who wants to live with that kind of life?
I changed my ways to gain these mates
Lost all focus on these grades
Some days I just want to fade into a lake and sail away
Or maybe get layered in chains so I can embrace the pain
I just can’t play this game, not going to be labelled a fake
Save it, mate
I can’t lie; going back I wish I could have stayed the same
And they would name me great because I’m not under Satan’s reign
But people these days save their change
Just so they blaze some haze, and not to say that’s bad
But it’s just not for me
I’d rather bump a modern symphony
Blissfully see the steam rise out the machine as it makes me some British tea
Does that make me some frigging geek?
Just because I’m not a pretentious teens, who’s sipping lean in a weekly routine
I’m politely living my own dream, despite the fact it’s become riddled with lies
But the question remains, who am I?
That question hasn’t been answered but I will in time, but it’s not the person I have become

Hi Tom and welcome. Two things. Do you intend responding to critique in a positive way? Do you intend offering up crit to others? Assuming both answers affirmative I will add a little to what erthona has said.
OK. First, ask yourself a question...oh...you have. Identity crisis. Another then. What makes you think that what you have written is poetry? I ask this seriously. You see, what you have written is a cliched 'ol monologue with capital letters starting each line. The thing is better punctuated than one has been forced to accept from young writers but you have fallen into a trap of your own making...the tender trap. You are so in love with the idea of writing poetry that you believe that is what you are doing and perpetuate the myth line by tortured line.
The idea of adolescent uncertainty is, frankly, too simplistic to consider as a serious concept UNLESS you can bring something inventive rather than veracious to the piece. The use of constructions like "..deep thing inside" is so enthrallingly new to you that you use it again in "...really deep down". This screams out sparcity of thought but indicates veracity. If you say something twice it must be true...but if you want to write poetry you MUST make every word count and count but once.
Lapsing into rapland does nothing for the content but allows light rhyme to enter in to your thinking, which again seems to take you by pleasant surprise in a Dylanesque "Hey I'm a poet, and I know it, hope 'ah don't blow it" way, so that we are pummeled by pain, gain, blaze, haze internal rhymes all in a flurry of ephemoral enthusiasm; but you cannot keep it up.
So. What to do?
First of all accept some discipline. You need to know how to do it right before you can convincingly, that is to say authoritatively, do it differently.
You have the benefit of a good grammatical eye but we need to talk ears here.
Pick a line, any line, and make it read with a rhythm. Note the rhythm by reading it out loud. The opening line sounds like logs falling down stairs so pick another. Try:
and/WHO wants/to/live with/ THAT kind/of/life?
The emphasised words are how I read it. You may differ, but you should still be able hear a rhythm. Now the fun part. Make that rhythm fundamental to the piece. Mold, morph and adjust the other lines to get some consistency. This is an exercise. Do not worry about rhyming. Unless you are confident with your semantic skills you would be better making concept and rhythm your priorities. Keep the points clear by showing how you feel. Don't just tell...show by imagery and metaphor as you have in those sporadic outbursts of yours. Maintain the texture, cut out the ands, justs and buts, avoid cliches sensibly. You can't avoid the "throw myself in to a lake" cliche by nonsensically "fading" into it instead We have seen it all before. Stop capitalising every line...it does not make poetry.
Less is more, believe me. When you've finished the thing, read it out loud...or get someone other than you mother who loves you to read it to you. Every time they stumble you've fallen down.
Best,
tectak