Revelry

[Jimmy Stark]

Edit

We were young,
wide-eyed and pure.
Untrained by hegemony with
flippant causes and reasoning.
Smoking cigarettes in the park
marveling at the sky zoo.
Smoking weed in our old tree houses
laughing at the perceived irony.
Unchained and wistful
still measuring the marks on the door frame.
Shouting over the radio and
memorizing Marxist paradigms.
Sipping on coffee in rebellion
for late night Cinemax.
Cutting class for a parking lot quickie
as friends pondered existence.
Drinking dad's good bottles
because some nights are worth a whipping.
We simply were
and we will be.
Until the next generation invents sex,
and repeats our own repeated mistakes


Original

We were young
Copacetic and pure.
Untrained by hegemony with
flippant causes and reasoning.
Smoking cigarettes in the park
marveling at the sky zoo.
Smoking hookah in our parents garages
while bonfires roared on alone.
Smoking weed in our old tree houses
laughing at the perceived irony.
Unchained and wistful
still measuring the marks on the doorframe.
Shouting over the radio and
memorizing Marxist paradigms.
Sipping on coffee in rebellion
for late night Cinemax.
Cutting class for a parking lot quickie
as friends pondered existence.
Never wanting to stay,
but crying as we left.
Drinking dad's good bottles
because some nights are worth a whipping.
Excitedly returning for reunions
and tearfully driving back for funerals.
We are still young
but there are now younger.
We can still fail
but we now must pick ourselves up
buoyed by ambition rather than guilt.
We simply were
and we will be.
Until the next generation invents sex,
repeating our mistakes
that we ourselves repeated.

[Erthona]

We were young
Copacetic and pure.
Untrained by hegemony with
flippant causes and reasoning.
Smoking cigarettes in the park
marveling at the sky zoo.
Smoking hookah in our parents garages <"smoking a hookah" a hookah is a device not a substance>
while bonfires roared on alone.
Smoking weed in our old tree houses
laughing at the perceived irony.
Unchained and wistful
still measuring the marks on the doorframe. <"doorframe" probably better to hyphenate>
Shouting over the radio and
memorizing Marxist paradigms.
Sipping on coffee in rebellion
for late night Cinemax.
Cutting class for a parking lot quickie
as friends pondered existence.
Never wanting to stay,
but crying as we left.
Drinking dad's good bottles
because some nights are worth a whipping.
Excitedly returning for reunions
and tearfully driving back for funerals.
We are still young
but there are now younger.
We can still fail
but we now must pick ourselves up
buoyed by ambition rather than guilt.
We simply were
and we will be.
Until the next generation invents sex,
repeating our mistakes
that we ourselves repeated.

___________________________________________________
JS,

There is good and bad here. The listing goes on for a long time, much too long. A little too much moralizing at the end. I do like this line as it characterizes a specific time period well:

"Sipping on coffee in rebellion
for late night Cinemax."

Or as we called it "Skin-a-max"

Probably trim most if not all of this section:

"We are still young
but there are now younger.
We can still fail
but we now must pick ourselves up
buoyed by ambition rather than guilt.
We simply were
and we will be."

Probably end on:

"Until the next generation invents sex"

and cut

"repeating our mistakes
that we ourselves repeated."

As it is already implied.

There are some nice, concise images here, but you could probably cut at least half of the listing that starts with:

"Smoking cigarettes in the park
marveling at the sky zoo."

and ends with:

"Excitedly returning for reunions
and tearfully driving back for funerals."

I'd look forward to seeing a strong edit on this as I think you have the core of a decent poem here.

Dale

[Jimmy Stark]

Erthona,

Thank you for taking the time to make a lot of really helpful suggestions. I wrote this last night as I was trying to go to sleep and reminiscing on my high school days, so I'm not surprised it rambles a bit.

Where I'm from we simply call it "smoking hookah" and often did so in garages after we had abandoned bonfires. I understand it may be a bit cliche, but I was just writing from memory. Also "Never wanting to stay, but crying as we left" refers to leaving for college or graduating high school. I personally think it could be used to talk about a lot of different times in life, but I can certainly see why it could be too ambiguous within the poem.

I will definitely make an edit to this and cut down on the list. I can already see a few that don't need to be there. I will also probably cut out a lot of the end, when I'm fully awake it does seem a bit too preachy.

Thanks again for the suggestions! Hope you like whatever edit I make

[shy_symphony]

We were young
Copacetic and pure.
Untrained by hegemony with
flippant causes and reasoning.
Smoking cigarettes in the park
marveling at the sky zoo. Not sure about the imagery here. sky zoo?
Smoking hookah in our parents garages smoking a hookah
while bonfires roared on alone.
Smoking weed in our old tree houses
laughing at the perceived irony. I like this
Unchained and wistful comma needed
still measuring the marks on the doorframe.
Shouting over the radio and
memorizing Marxist paradigms.
Sipping on coffee in rebellion
for late night Cinemax. in rebellion for? not sure what this is meant to mean
Cutting class for a parking lot quickie
as friends pondered existence.
Never wanting to stay,
but crying as we left.
Drinking dad's good bottles
because some nights are worth a whipping. favorite line!
Excitedly returning for reunions
and tearfully driving back for funerals.
We are still young
but there are now younger.
We can still fail
but we now must pick ourselves up
buoyed by ambition rather than guilt.
We simply were
and we will be.
Until the next generation invents sex,
repeating our mistakes
that we ourselves repeated.

Very nice poem about the experiences of adolescence. Definitely could relate!

[LorettaYoung]

Erthona,

Thank you for taking the time to make a lot of really helpful suggestions. I wrote this last night as I was trying to go to sleep and reminiscing on my high school days, so I'm not surprised it rambles a bit.

Where I'm from we simply call it "smoking hookah" and often did so in garages after we had abandoned bonfires. I understand it may be a bit cliche, but I was just writing from memory. Also "Never wanting to stay, but crying as we left" refers to leaving for college or graduating high school. I personally think it could be used to talk about a lot of different times in life, but I can certainly see why it could be too ambiguous within the poem.

I will definitely make an edit to this and cut down on the list. I can already see a few that don't need to be there. I will also probably cut out a lot of the end, when I'm fully awake it does seem a bit too preachy.

Thanks again for the suggestions! Hope you like whatever edit I make

---

Hi Jimmy: I thing you have a very nice poem here; but agree, the list is too long; perhaps you can conbine: I think it could be very strong. Loretta

[tectak]

Erthona,

Thank you for taking the time to make a lot of really helpful suggestions. I wrote this last night as I was trying to go to sleep and reminiscing on my high school days, so I'm not surprised it rambles a bit.

Where I'm from we simply call it "smoking hookah" and often did so in garages after we had abandoned bonfires. I understand it may be a bit cliche, but I was just writing from memory. Also "Never wanting to stay, but crying as we left" refers to leaving for college or graduating high school. I personally think it could be used to talk about a lot of different times in life, but I can certainly see why it could be too ambiguous within the poem.

I will definitely make an edit to this and cut down on the list. I can already see a few that don't need to be there. I will also probably cut out a lot of the end, when I'm fully awake it does seem a bit too preachy.

Thanks again for the suggestions! Hope you like whatever edit I make

---

Hi Jimmy: I thing you have a very nice poem here; but agree, the list is too long; perhaps you can conbine: I think it could be very strong. Loretta

[QDeathstar]

I think that you are using complex words in a poem that should be more simplistic.

Youre talking about teenage coming of age, but are using words they wouldn't.


The last four lines come off a bit awkward as well, i mean, i know what you are trying to say.... But there are too few words, then too many.

The middle of the poem is the strongest part, i think.

[escher]

Hi there, I really liked this - in the sense of its potential, with some more refining I think it will be a nice little reminiscing, and the cycle continues!

I was playing a montage in my mind, so i think the 'listing' worked well, but I do agree with others that the list goes on a bit. I wonder if there is a way to combine a few things in the one memory - i.e Smoking cigarettes as we marveled at the sky zoo - Im not sure - just an idea?

also not sure what you mean by sky zoo? I'm reading it like - the constellations of the stars ?

Drinking dads good bottles - I don't know why but i really like this line - Maybe because it reads so naturally and its something many can relate to looking back on being young, with a smirk on our face.

Cutting class for a parking lot quickie
as friends pondered existence.
I like the contrast here - makes me think of the connection between quickie and existence - hehe not sure if you meant it but I thought it any how.

I feel the last few lines consolidate the poems meaning - I wonder if it would work if you dropped the last line? or shortened it to something simple like - repeats our own repeats - kind of like a closing statement? but i don't know if its necessary hmmm

Overall, the reflection doesn't feel forced - feels natural, I enjoyed it, had a little giggle, then did a 'aaahh yes' nod at the end. Would be even better if it flowed a bit more.
That's my 2 cents anyway. nice work

[SomeRandom]

Edit

We were young,
wide-eyed and pure.
Untrained by hegemony with
flippant causes and reasoning.
Smoking cigarettes in the park
marveling at the sky zoo.
Smoking weed in our old tree houses
laughing at the perceived irony.
Unchained and wistful
still measuring the marks on the door frame.
Shouting over the radio and
memorizing Marxist paradigms.
Sipping on coffee in rebellion I don't see the link to rebellion in coffee, is it spiked with whiskey or something
for late night Cinemax.
Cutting class for a parking lot quickie I lol'd at this[b/]
as friends pondered existence.
Drinking dad's good bottles
because some nights are worth a whipping.
We simply were
and we will be. [b]good four lines leading up to ending
Until the next generation invents sex,
and repeats our own repeated mistakes bad ending (imo)

If you could end it better I think it would be great. If there is a statement to be made about all this adolescent experience I think this is where it ought to be. Overall the poem hit home for me though, just didn't have that crisp ending it deserves.

[Erthona]

JS,

"Where I'm from we simply call it "smoking hookah""

Yes I understand. There are many of these type sayings from my background that I can not use because it would cause confusion. What you decide to do with it is up to you. Did you know I wrote a poem for you?

Hookah House - for Jimmy Stark

Dale