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The Picture of His Face (edit 1)
Sweet sleep, I beg to rest serene;
but sudden storms invade my dreams,
and tempests rage in vivid scenes.
And though dear Lord you follow me,
and for my sake do part the sea:
his naked face will always be,
the cunning ghost who's haunting me.
Weary eyes although they laugh,
they say they've cried much in the past.
Of course, the smile, a poet's wile;
which sings sweet music with purposed guile.
The heartfelt love, the selfish cad;
mischief, was the younger lad.
That knowing grin has lived so much;
now sets his teeth in paper cups.
I feel the face, it's etched in me.
With fingers gently lovingly;
caressing haunted history,
and treasuring the memory,
of all his face engulfs in me.
And then I wake, the world is bland,
I find therein, my empty hands.
The Picture of His Face (original)
Sweet sleep, I beg to rest serene, but
sudden storms invade my dreams, and
tempests rage in vivid scenes.
And though dear Lord you follow me, and
Fr my sea do part the sea:
His naked face will always be,
a cunning ghost that's haunting me.
Weary eyes although the laugh,
they say they've cried much in the past
Of course the smile, a poet's wile;
which sings sweet music with purposed guile.
The heartfelt love, the selfish cad;
mischief was the younger lad.
That knowing grin has seen and touched:
A life on stage, not sets his teeth in paper cups
I feel the face, it's etched in me
with fingers gently lovingly;
caressing haunting history
and treasuring the memory
of all his face engulfs in me
And then I wake the world is bland:
I find therein my empty hands
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Joined: Sep 2013
This is an odd shaped sonnet, in that the "and's
at the end of some lines would normally be dropped to the line below. I don't suppose it matters, but it made pause just a bit and took me out of the flow, just a personal opinion. I'm not an expert on sonnets, so I can't really comment too much but there were a few lines where i had to stop to figure out the meter...ei L10---it does work out as a trochee but I had to pause to think about it. I don't see an obvious volta though, did I miss it? I think this is a form that is extremely hard to work in (for me, anyway) and I do applaud this effort as it is fairly good on it's iambic pentameter.
Nice work!
mel/bena
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(06-09-2014, 05:42 AM)bena Wrote: This is an odd shaped sonnet, in that the "and's
at the end of some lines would normally be dropped to the line below. I don't suppose it matters, but it made pause just a bit and took me out of the flow, just a personal opinion. I'm not an expert on sonnets, so I can't really comment too much but there were a few lines where i had to stop to figure out the meter...ei L10---it does work out as a trochee but I had to pause to think about it. I don't see an obvious volta though, did I miss it? I think this is a form that is extremely hard to work in (for me, anyway) and I do applaud this effort as it is fairly good on it's iambic pentameter.
Nice work!
mel/bena
Hi Bena: thanks for reading, and your comments. I am new to form and am here learning; I did try for IP; I am interested on your comments about and, to my hearing it makes the reader turn to keep reading; a flow, or hythm. Do you think I am mistaken about this. I'd love to practice a sonnet. Best, Loretta
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"they say they've cried much in he past."
A lot of this is in trochee instead of iambs, and most lines are four foot not five, so you're a little off from IP. Despite that, this still moves evenly, with only a few disruptive bumps here and there. Of course any one who wants to call themselves a poet should learn the major forms. A Shakespearean sonnet has fourteen lines with an xyxy rhyme scheme for the first 12 lines, then a couplet for the last two, all written in iambic pentameter (five feet of iambs), in case you want to give it a try.
On the whole this reads better than anything else I've seen you write. So keep up the work, you seem to be improving.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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06-09-2014, 02:48 PM
(This post was last modified: 06-10-2014, 09:26 AM by billy.)
it doesn't read as a sonnet as of yet, here's a good link that shows the mechanics of the thing. (in reply to a post to bena you made)
i think the title is great. the poem less so.
Sweet sleep, i beg, to rest serene,
but sudden storms invade my dream,
and tempests rage in vivid scenes.
would be a better meter than the one you have at present. all i did was use the soft stress to start the next line which gives you iambic octometer almost. the sweet line could be:
oh sweet sleep, i would rest serene[ i think there are enough iambs to count as an iambic line]
you could also work each line out to 5 meter feet which would need another soft hard and stressed syllable.
the first verse reminds me of Shelley's Frankenstein and on the whole i think you have some good lines of poetry at play.
a note of caution though. try not to end lines with and or but, or word that carries you out of the meter.
(06-09-2014, 04:25 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote: The Picture of His Face
Sweet sleep, i beg, to rest serene, but
sudden storms invade my dream, and
tempests rage in vivid scenes.
And though dear Lord you follow me, and [move the [and] down]
for my sake do part the sea;
his naked face will always be,
the cunning ghost who's haunting me.
Weary eyes although they laugh,
they say they've cried much in he past.
Of course, the smile, a poet's wile;
which sings sweet music with purposed guile.
The heartfelt love, the selfish cad;
mischief was the younger lad.
That knowing grin has seen and touched:
A life on stage now sets his teeth in paper cups.
I feel the face, it's etched in me.
With fingers soft and lovingly;
caressing haunted history, and
treasuring the memory,
of all his face engulfs in me.
And then I wake, the world is bland,
I find therein, my empty hands.
Posts: 294
Threads: 4
Joined: Sep 2013
Just for help, I also have a wonderful site I use for the basic rules and regs:
http://www.sonnets.org/basicforms.htm
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Hi Loretta!
I know zip about formal poetic forms so I will leave that angle to the experts here.
LorettaYoung Wrote:...And though dear Lord you follow me, and
for my sake do part the sea;
his naked face will always be,
the cunning ghost who's haunting me.
I like that "his naked face" is "the cunning ghost" that is closer to you, is more immediate to you, than God, with Whom you admit to having a personal relationship. (I think God will cut you some slack.  )
LorettaYoung Wrote:A life on stage now sets his teeth in paper cups.
Ooo, this hits you. Very good!
LorettaYoung Wrote:And then I wake, the world is bland,
I find therein, my empty hands.
Excellent strong finish; a very stark image. Maybe you could jiggle it so that "hands" is also in the singular. I think it would flow better.
Thanks!
nb
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(06-09-2014, 10:39 PM)nb Wrote: Hi Loretta!
I know zip about formal poetic forms so I will leave that angle to the experts here.
LorettaYoung Wrote:...And though dear Lord you follow me, and
for my sake do part the sea;
his naked face will always be,
the cunning ghost who's haunting me.
I like that "his naked face" is "the cunning ghost" that is closer to you, is more immediate to you, than God, with Whom you admit to having a personal relationship. (I think God will cut you some slack. )
LorettaYoung Wrote:A life on stage now sets his teeth in paper cups.
Ooo, this hits you. Very good!
LorettaYoung Wrote:And then I wake, the world is bland,
I find therein, my empty hands.
Excellent strong finish; a very stark image. Maybe you could jiggle it so that "hands" is also in the singular. I think it would flow better.
Thanks!
nb
(06-10-2014, 06:37 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote: (06-09-2014, 10:39 PM)nb Wrote: Hi Loretta!
I know zip about formal poetic forms so I will leave that angle to the experts here.
LorettaYoung Wrote:...And though dear Lord you follow me, and
for my sake do part the sea;
his naked face will always be,
the cunning ghost who's haunting me.
I like that "his naked face" is "the cunning ghost" that is closer to you, is more immediate to you, than God, with Whom you admit to having a personal relationship. (I think God will cut you some slack. )
LorettaYoung Wrote:A life on stage now sets his teeth in paper cups.
Ooo, this hits you. Very good!
LorettaYoung Wrote:And then I wake, the world is bland,
I find therein, my empty hands.
Excellent strong finish; a very stark image. Maybe you could jiggle it so that "hands" is also in the singular. I think it would flow better.
Thanks!
nb
Nb: i am very grateful that you see the depth in this. Yes, I do have a personal relationship with God, but I know He forgives me. I was questioning the hand or hands myself. I will say that the original of this was improved by things I am learning. Thanks much for your time and commenting. Lorett
(06-09-2014, 08:55 PM)bena Wrote: Just for help, I also have a wonderful site I use for the basic rules and regs:
http://www.sonnets.org/basicforms.htm
(06-09-2014, 08:55 PM)bena Wrote: Just for help, I also have a wonderful site I use for the basic rules and regs:
http://www.sonnets.org/basicforms.htm
Hi Bena: thank you so much, I will photocopy it and go find some freedom in solitary. I did mean to say IT, i think it's really tetrameter, mostly, I hope. Loretta
(06-09-2014, 01:22 PM)Erthona Wrote: "they say they've cried much in he past."
A lot of this is in trochee instead of iambs, and most lines are four foot not five, so you're a little off from IP. Despite that, this still moves evenly, with only a few disruptive bumps here and there. Of course any one who wants to call themselves a poet should learn the major forms. A Shakespearean sonnet has fourteen lines with an xyxy rhyme scheme for the first 12 lines, then a couplet for the last two, all written in iambic pentameter (five feet of iambs), in case you want to give it a try.
On the whole this reads better than anything else I've seen you write. So keep up the work, you seem to be improving.
Dale
(06-09-2014, 01:22 PM)Erthona Wrote: "they say they've cried much in he past."
A lot of this is in trochee instead of iambs, and most lines are four foot not five, so you're a little off from IP. Despite that, this still moves evenly, with only a few disruptive bumps here and there. Of course any one who wants to call themselves a poet should learn the major forms. A Shakespearean sonnet has fourteen lines with an xyxy rhyme scheme for the first 12 lines, then a couplet for the last two, all written in iambic pentameter (five feet of iambs), in case you want to give it a try.
On the whole this reads better than anything else I've seen you write. So keep up the work, you seem to be improving.
Dale
(06-09-2014, 01:22 PM)Erthona Wrote: "they say they've cried much in he past."
A lot of this is in trochee instead of iambs, and most lines are four foot not five, so you're a little off from IP. Despite that, this still moves evenly, with only a few disruptive bumps here and there. Of course any one who wants to call themselves a poet should learn the major forms. A Shakespearean sonnet has fourteen lines with an xyxy rhyme scheme for the first 12 lines, then a couplet for the last two, all written in iambic pentameter (five feet of iambs), in case you want to give it a try.
On the whole this reads better than anything else I've seen you write. So keep up the work, you seem to be improving.
Dale
(06-09-2014, 01:22 PM)Erthona Wrote: "they say they've cried much in he past."
A lot of this is in trochee instead of iambs, and most lines are four foot not five, so you're a little off from IP. Despite that, this still moves evenly, with only a few disruptive bumps here and there. Of course any one who wants to call themselves a poet should learn the major forms. A Shakespearean sonnet has fourteen lines with an xyxy rhyme scheme for the first 12 lines, then a couplet for the last two, all written in iambic pentameter (five feet of iambs), in case you want to give it a try.
On the whole this reads better than anything else I've seen you write. So keep up the work, you seem to be improving.
Dale
Erthona: thank you, I'm glad to be learning because the art of it is beautiful. I know it is not IP, that was a mistake, but I thought it was tetrameter. I agree with your suggestions but I think as to stressors and syllable I need to practice; I will do that while I think of a sonnet and IP and stressor, and most importantly, the message. Best Loretta
(06-09-2014, 02:48 PM)billy Wrote: it doesn't read as a sonnet as of yet, here's a good link that shows the mechanics of the thing. (in reply to a post to bena you made)
i think the title is great. the poem less so.
Sweet sleep, i beg, to rest serene,
but sudden storms invade my dream,
and tempests rage in vivid scenes.
would be a better meter than the one you have at present. all i did was use the soft stress to start the next line which gives you iambic octometer almost. the sweet line could be:
oh sweet sleep, i would rest serene[ i think there are enough iambs to count as an iambic line]
you could also work each line out to 5 meter feet which would need another soft hard and stressed syllable.
the first verse reminds me of Shelley's Frankenstein and on the whole i think you have some good lines of poetry at play.
a note of caution though. try not to end lines with and or but, or word that carries you out of the meter.
(06-09-2014, 04:25 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote: The Picture of His Face
Sweet sleep, i beg, to rest serene, but
sudden storms invade my dream, and
tempests rage in vivid scenes.
And though dear Lord you follow me, and [move the [and] down]
for my sake do part the sea;
his naked face will always be,
the cunning ghost who's haunting me.
Weary eyes although they laugh,
they say they've cried much in he past.
Of course, the smile, a poet's wile;
which sings sweet music with purposed guile.
The heartfelt love, the selfish cad;
mischief was the younger lad.
That knowing grin has seen and touched:
A life on stage now sets his teeth in paper cups.
I feel the face, it's etched in me.
With fingers soft and lovingly;
caressing haunted history, and
treasuring the memory,
of all his face engulfs in me.
And then I wake, the world is bland,
I find therein, my empty hands.
Hi Billy: thanks for writing, I agree with everything you and Erthona say to now as far as changes, but i do like the poem. Am I correct that putting the and's and but's on the next line, one adding a syllable, and a soft sound first. What is the purpose of soft and hard sounds at the beginning of the line? Thanks billy; still feeling better I trust. Best, Loretta
(06-09-2014, 08:55 PM)bena Wrote: Just for help, I also have a wonderful site I use for the basic rules and regs:
http://www.sonnets.org/basicforms.htm
Hi Bena: what a lot of infomation; thanks so much; it is challenging, but what is life without them. Best, Loretta
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Quote:the and's and but's on the next line, one adding a syllable, and a soft sound first. What is the purpose of soft and hard sounds at the beginning of the line? Thanks billy; still feeling better I trust. Best, Loretta
often those words are soft stressed words and the following word would often be a strong stressed word which make good for an iambic line. there are exceptions to the rule of starting with a hard stressed syllable but best to get the basics down first.
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(06-10-2014, 09:32 AM)billy Wrote: Quote:the and's and but's on the next line, one adding a syllable, and a soft sound first. What is the purpose of soft and hard sounds at the beginning of the line? Thanks billy; still feeling better I trust. Best, Loretta
often those words are soft stressed words and the following word would often be a strong stressed word which make good for an iambic line. there are exceptions to the rule of starting with a hard stressed syllable but best to get the basics down first.
Thanks billy; is it necessary that all first syllables in an poem be soft that you would call IT or IP. Is there a rhyme to this reason? Something to do with sound?. Thanks, Loretta
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no it isn't as i learnt to my dismay nor does iambic pentameter have to be a consistent 5 feet long but learning the meter is hard enough as it is, so i'd suggest getting the old fashion soft hard stress down pat and when you're almost good at it, try some alterations like ending on a soft syl and starting on a hard one. once you have a grasp of the meter milo can show you all the deviations that are allowed from it.
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Easiest way to think of it for me is to think of a heart beat...lub DUB lub DUB...
see if that helps.
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(06-10-2014, 10:00 AM)bena Wrote: Easiest way to think of it for me is to think of a heart beat...lub DUB lub DUB...
see if that helps.
Thank you both billy and bena; you make it sound so easy: one more question; is it soft because of the word itself, or how it manifests in the line; or what part of the syllable it takes? Thanks again, Loretta
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