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2nd edit
An Island
An island in the sea of life,
changing with every tide,
my borders different daily.
The ocean as it rides
away with what was me
brings back a gift as well.
This ocean, how it encircles
I’m subject to the swell.
Though pieces of me drift away,
new parts come to reside
and I am different daily…
ebbs and flows the tide.
1st edit
An Island
An island in the sea of life,
changing with every tide,
my borders daily different.
The ocean as it rides
away with what was me
brings back a gift as well.
This ocean, how it encircles
I’m subject to the swell.
Though pieces of me drift away,
new parts come to reside
and I am daily different…
ebbs and flows the tide.
Original
An Island
An island am I in the sea of life,
changing with every tide,
my borders daily different.
The waters as they ride
away with what was part of me
bring back a gift as well,
exchanging branch for driftwood
or sand for pearly shell.
Though what was me drifts away
new parts of me abide
and I am daily different…
ebbs and flows the tide.
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Joined: May 2013
(05-18-2014, 02:57 PM)Mopkins Wrote: An Island
An island am I in the sea of life, -- This is a little awkward in the syntax. "of life" seems to detract from the poem.
changing with every tide,
my borders daily different. -- This line seems a little awkward as well.
The waters as they ride
away with what was part of me -- I'm always weary of enjambment across stanzas, but that is probably just me. The "away" is a bit surprising which could be good.
bring back a gift as well,
exchanging branch for driftwood
or sand for pearly shell.
Though what was me drifts away --Maybe a synonym for drifts
new parts of me abide
and I am daily different… -- This "daily different" seems a little awkward to me.
ebbs and flows the tide.
Now imagine if this was really an island speaking here! I think there's room to improve here, but I can also be very opinionated. Thanks for posting. 
Posts: 166
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Hi Browlie, thanks for reading and commenting as thoroughly as you have.
the island is meant to represent myself, as I change from day to day... it may not be evident enough. I'll have a think about expanding it - but I was aiming for the metaphor of the 'sea of life' changing me in small ways every day, like the tide changing the shoreline of an island. I may have made it too literal an island with the introduction of driftwood, branch, shell, sand.... they may have to go.
Food for thought, thanks Brownlie.
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While the inversion was awkward, I enjoyed your use of metaphor. The usual effect of age, though, is deterioration instead of greater beauty
*Warning: blatant tomfoolery above this line
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Hi, Mopkins, this is an interesting idea that is worth developing. A few notes.
(05-18-2014, 02:57 PM)Mopkins Wrote: An Island
An island am I in the sea of life, I think the title and the poem say this, you don't need to come right out with it.
changing with every tide,
my borders daily different.
The waters as they ride
away with what was part of me
bring back a gift as well, Maybe gifts and shells?
exchanging branch for driftwood
or sand for pearly shell.
Though what was me drifts away
new parts of me abide I don't think abide is right here.
and I am daily different…
ebbs and flows the tide.
I hope you do more with this, great idea.
(05-18-2014, 06:05 PM)kindofahippy Wrote: While the inversion was awkward, I enjoyed your use of metaphor. The usual effect of age, though, is deterioration instead of greater beauty
My bold. I disagree. While the body deteriorates, the mind and spirit often ripen into what is surely "greater beauty."
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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Hi hippy, thanks for the read and comments... I'm going to agree with ellajam tho and say that I think my soul and mind is more 'beautiful' now than it was in my teens for example. But that's not a part of the poem - which merely notates a daily difference of self - not necessarily an improvement.
Hi ellajam, thanks for the input, glad you liked the idea of the thing.
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Marianne, No woman is an island unto themselves and you're getting better, not older darling... I like the poem, but what gives with the reversal, 'daily different'. It reads a bit odd to me (maybe it's just me). Wouldn't your meaning remain the same using 'different daily'? It read similar and carried the same denotation for me. However, I don't know if that throws off your meter. See what you think. Good luck with the edit./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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Hi Chris, Brownlie commented on that too and I forgot to change it - so it's changed now. Thanks for the kind words and the input!
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(05-18-2014, 02:57 PM)Mopkins Wrote: 2nd edit
An Island
An island in the sea of life,
changing with every tide, I think "different" fits better here than the next line, or maybe another way to say the same would be good
my borders different daily. I would suggest "changes/changing daily"
The ocean as it rides
away with what was me
brings back a gift as well.
This ocean, how it encircles
I’m subject to the swell.
Though pieces of me drift away, Very good flow/rhytm in text till this point
new parts come to reside
and I am different daily… I think it sounds a little wierd still
ebbs and flows the tide.
overall good poem
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thanks for reading and commenting MT EMPTY - it's appreciated.
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(05-18-2014, 02:57 PM)Mopkins Wrote: 2nd edit
An Island
An island in the sea of life,
changing with every tide,
my borders different daily.
The ocean as it rides
away with what was me
brings back a gift as well.
This ocean, how it encircles
I’m subject to the swell.
Though pieces of me drift away,
new parts come to reside
and I am different daily…
ebbs and flows the tide.
1st edit
An Island
An island in the sea of life,
changing with every tide,
my borders daily different.
The ocean as it rides
away with what was me
brings back a gift as well.
This ocean, how it encircles
I’m subject to the swell.
Though pieces of me drift away,
new parts come to reside
and I am daily different…
ebbs and flows the tide.
Original
An Island
An island am I in the sea of life,
changing with every tide,
my borders daily different.
The waters as they ride
away with what was part of me
bring back a gift as well,
exchanging branch for driftwood
or sand for pearly shell.
Though what was me drifts away
new parts of me abide
and I am daily different…
ebbs and flows the tide.
(06-10-2014, 09:31 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote: (05-18-2014, 02:57 PM)Mopkins Wrote: 2nd edit
An Island
An island in the sea of life,
changing with every tide,
my borders different daily.
The ocean as it rides
away with what was me
brings back a gift as well.
This ocean, how it encircles
I’m subject to the swell.
Though pieces of me drift away,
new parts come to reside
and I am different daily…
ebbs and flows the tide.
1st edit
An Island
An island in the sea of life,
changing with every tide,
my borders daily different.
The ocean as it rides
away with what was me
brings back a gift as well.
This ocean, how it encircles
I’m subject to the swell.
Though pieces of me drift away,
new parts come to reside
and I am daily different…
ebbs and flows the tide.
Original
An Island
An island am I in the sea of life,
changing with every tide,
my borders daily different.
The waters as they ride
away with what was part of me
bring back a gift as well,
exchanging branch for driftwood
or sand for pearly shell.
Though what was me drifts away
new parts of me abide
and I am daily different…
ebbs and flows the tide.
Hi Mopkins: It's interesting how the communal effort has defined your 2nd edit; I really like it. Best, Loretta
(06-10-2014, 09:31 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote: (05-18-2014, 02:57 PM)Mopkins Wrote: 2nd edit
An Island
An island in the sea of life,
changing with every tide,
my borders different daily.
The ocean as it rides
away with what was me
brings back a gift as well.
This ocean, how it encircles
I’m subject to the swell.
Though pieces of me drift away,
new parts come to reside
and I am different daily…
ebbs and flows the tide.
1st edit
An Island
An island in the sea of life,
changing with every tide,
my borders daily different.
The ocean as it rides
away with what was me
brings back a gift as well.
This ocean, how it encircles
I’m subject to the swell.
Though pieces of me drift away,
new parts come to reside
and I am daily different…
ebbs and flows the tide.
Original
An Island
An island am I in the sea of life,
changing with every tide,
my borders daily different.
The waters as they ride
away with what was part of me
bring back a gift as well,
exchanging branch for driftwood
or sand for pearly shell.
Though what was me drifts away
new parts of me abide
and I am daily different…
ebbs and flows the tide.
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