#2

[Sachelcharges]

Edit#1-
The silver-tongued Church bells
that murmur like a mist
gather in the hearts of worshipers,
but lift from the breast
of an Atheist.


Original-
The chiming of church bells
Rolls through like a mist
And weights, as leaves on the breast
Of an atheist

[tectak]

The striking of church bells
Rolls through like a mist
And weights, as leaves on the breast
Of an atheist

Terse verse, terse crit.
Similes. Striking and rolling are incompatible. Chiming is a sound, striking is the action that produces the sound. Sound rolls through mist. Striking stays where it is.
Clarity of intent ."And weights" is confusing. Do you mean "And weighs", "And waits" or as written which makes no sense?
Metaphors. "Leaves on the breast of an athiest" has no meaning for me. Metaphors should clarify, not confuse. Leaves as in trees or leaves as in left? See. I do not trust your word use and it is your fault, not mine.
Pretensions. Why capitalise every line? It is retro, confusing, faux-poetic and utterly pointless.
Apart from these minor issues you should try to develop this piece. As a cameo thought it is lacking in depth and texture, happily existing in the pia mater; but that is a reason to develop it, not abandon it.
Title. Give it one.
Best,
tectak

[ChristopherSea]

I see where you want to go with the poem, but your bell rings hollow. I think you want something like: the sound of church bells murmur through the mist. What you have now makes no sense. What weights or weighs, do you mean the bell itself? That would have to be one light bell if it weighs no more than a pile of leaves. Is that atheist buried in a shallow grave under those leaves? The most important query is: why would you think a church bell carries any weight as a symbol of Christianity to an atheist, who thinks the concept of a god is silly and that religion is an absurdity? Do you think a mere bell would sway their beliefs? This needs a lot more work in establishing your point of view, developing your metaphor and assembling the proper images. Good luck with your next edit./Chris

[Jimmy Stark]

I was confused. The juxtaposition of the Church and Atheism can make for an interesting poem, but I have no idea what you're going for with this. "And weights, as leaves on the breast Of an atheist." means literally nothing to me. More explanation for what you're trying to convey could make this so much better.

[Sachelcharges]

The striking of church bells
Rolls through like a mist
And weights, as leaves on the breast
Of an atheist

Terse verse, terse crit.
Similes. Striking and rolling are incompatible. Chiming is a sound, striking is the action that produces the sound. Sound rolls through mist. Striking stays where it is.
Clarity of intent ."And weights" is confusing. Do you mean "And weighs", "And waits" or as written which makes no sense?
Metaphors. "Leaves on the breast of an athiest" has no meaning for me. Metaphors should clarify, not confuse. Leaves as in trees or leaves as in left? See. I do not trust your word use and it is your fault, not mine.
Pretensions. Why capitalise every line? It is retro, confusing, faux-poetic and utterly pointless.
Apart from these minor issues you should try to develop this piece. As a cameo thought it is lacking in depth and texture, happily existing in the pia mater; but that is a reason to develop it, not abandon it.
Title. Give it one.
Best,
tectak

I changed it to 'chiming'
I mean both which is also why I included the comma to emphasize waiting. As for the leaves part I'll take some time to think of a clearer way of putting even though it seems obvious that I'm referring to leaves from a tree when I use the word 'weight'. Plus the other leaves would absolutely no sense.

I see where you want to go with the poem, but your bell rings hollow. I think you want something like: the sound of church bells murmur through the mist. What you have now makes no sense. What weights or weighs, do you mean the bell itself? That would have to be one light bell if it weighs no more than a pile of leaves. Is that atheist buried in a shallow grave under those leaves? The most important query is: why would you think a church bell carries any weight as a symbol of Christianity to an atheist, who thinks the concept of a god is silly and that religion is an absurdity? Do you think a mere bell would sway their beliefs? This needs a lot more work in establishing your point of view, developing your metaphor and assembling the proper images. Good luck with your next edit./Chris

That is my point. It doesn't hold any meaning to an atheist or very very little. Which is why I compared it's weight to leaves laying on them.

I was confused. The juxtaposition of the Church and Atheism can make for an interesting poem, but I have no idea what you're going for with this. "And weights, as leaves on the breast Of an atheist." means literally nothing to me. More explanation for what you're trying to convey could make this so much better.

I'm simply pointing out how something can have a lot of meaning to one person and, in this case, very little meaning to another.

[tectak]

The striking of church bells
Rolls through like a mist
And weights, as leaves on the breast
Of an atheist

Terse verse, terse crit.
Similes. Striking and rolling are incompatible. Chiming is a sound, striking is the action that produces the sound. Sound rolls through mist. Striking stays where it is.
Clarity of intent ."And weights" is confusing. Do you mean "And weighs", "And waits" or as written which makes no sense?
Metaphors. "Leaves on the breast of an athiest" has no meaning for me. Metaphors should clarify, not confuse. Leaves as in trees or leaves as in left? See. I do not trust your word use and it is your fault, not mine.
Pretensions. Why capitalise every line? It is retro, confusing, faux-poetic and utterly pointless.
Apart from these minor issues you should try to develop this piece. As a cameo thought it is lacking in depth and texture, happily existing in the pia mater; but that is a reason to develop it, not abandon it.
Title. Give it one.
Best,
tectak

I changed it to 'chiming'
I mean both which is also why I included the comma to emphasize waiting. As for the leaves part I'll take some time to think of a clearer way of putting even though it seems obvious that I'm referring to leaves from a tree when I use the word 'weight'. Plus the other leaves would absolutely no sense.

I see where you want to go with the poem, but your bell rings hollow. I think you want something like: the sound of church bells murmur through the mist. What you have now makes no sense. What weights or weighs, do you mean the bell itself? That would have to be one light bell if it weighs no more than a pile of leaves. Is that atheist buried in a shallow grave under those leaves? The most important query is: why would you think a church bell carries any weight as a symbol of Christianity to an atheist, who thinks the concept of a god is silly and that religion is an absurdity? Do you think a mere bell would sway their beliefs? This needs a lot more work in establishing your point of view, developing your metaphor and assembling the proper images. Good luck with your next edit./Chris

That is my point. It doesn't hold any meaning to an atheist or very very little. Which is why I compared it's weight to leaves laying on them.

I was confused. The juxtaposition of the Church and Atheism can make for an interesting poem, but I have no idea what you're going for with this. "And weights, as leaves on the breast Of an atheist." means literally nothing to me. More explanation for what you're trying to convey could make this so much better.

I'm simply pointing out how something can have a lot of meaning to one person and, in this case, very little meaning to another.

Quite...so tell me why you posted it...believe me, I am having as much difficulty understanding your explanations as I had with the poem.
e.g.
That is my point. It doesn't hold any meaning to an atheist or very very little. Which is why I compared it's weight to leaves laying on them.
Huh? The weight of what laying on who?

Look, You must know clearly what you mean because you are so convinced that the readers MUST understand...but if you know CLEARLY what you mean then say it clearly. Metaphors should clarify by suggesting an easily understood parallel circumstance or picture. If the metaphor itself is more obscure than what it is supposed to clarify it is not a good metaphor.
Best,
tectak

[ChristopherSea]

Terse verse, terse crit.
Similes. Striking and rolling are incompatible. Chiming is a sound, striking is the action that produces the sound. Sound rolls through mist. Striking stays where it is.
Clarity of intent ."And weights" is confusing. Do you mean "And weighs", "And waits" or as written which makes no sense?
Metaphors. "Leaves on the breast of an athiest" has no meaning for me. Metaphors should clarify, not confuse. Leaves as in trees or leaves as in left? See. I do not trust your word use and it is your fault, not mine.
Pretensions. Why capitalise every line? It is retro, confusing, faux-poetic and utterly pointless.
Apart from these minor issues you should try to develop this piece. As a cameo thought it is lacking in depth and texture, happily existing in the pia mater; but that is a reason to develop it, not abandon it.
Title. Give it one.
Best,
tectak

I changed it to 'chiming'
I mean both which is also why I included the comma to emphasize waiting. As for the leaves part I'll take some time to think of a clearer way of putting even though it seems obvious that I'm referring to leaves from a tree when I use the word 'weight'. Plus the other leaves would absolutely no sense.

I see where you want to go with the poem, but your bell rings hollow. I think you want something like: the sound of church bells murmur through the mist. What you have now makes no sense. What weights or weighs, do you mean the bell itself? That would have to be one light bell if it weighs no more than a pile of leaves. Is that atheist buried in a shallow grave under those leaves? The most important query is: why would you think a church bell carries any weight as a symbol of Christianity to an atheist, who thinks the concept of a god is silly and that religion is an absurdity? Do you think a mere bell would sway their beliefs? This needs a lot more work in establishing your point of view, developing your metaphor and assembling the proper images. Good luck with your next edit./Chris

That is my point. It doesn't hold any meaning to an atheist or very very little. Which is why I compared it's weight to leaves laying on them.

I was confused. The juxtaposition of the Church and Atheism can make for an interesting poem, but I have no idea what you're going for with this. "And weights, as leaves on the breast Of an atheist." means literally nothing to me. More explanation for what you're trying to convey could make this so much better.

I'm simply pointing out how something can have a lot of meaning to one person and, in this case, very little meaning to another.

Quite...so tell me why you posted it...believe me, I am having as much difficulty understanding your explanations as I had with the poem.
e.g.
That is my point. It doesn't hold any meaning to an atheist or very very little. Which is why I compared it's weight to leaves laying on them.
Huh? The weight of what laying on who?

Look, You must know clearly what you mean because you are so convinced that the readers MUST understand...but if you know CLEARLY what you mean then say it clearly. Metaphors should clarify by suggesting an easily understood parallel circumstance or picture. If the metaphor itself is more obscure than what it is supposed to clarify it is not a good metaphor.
Best,
tectak

Agreed, your reply makes even less sense than the poem. Church bells can be lovely without having a religious connotation. Why not rework the poem to where both the verse itself and the poet's explanation is cogent?

[tectak]

The striking of church bells
Rolls through like a mist
And weights, as leaves on the breast
Of an atheist

Terse verse, terse crit.
Similes. Striking and rolling are incompatible. Chiming is a sound, striking is the action that produces the sound. Sound rolls through mist. Striking stays where it is.
Clarity of intent ."And weights" is confusing. Do you mean "And weighs", "And waits" or as written which makes no sense?
Metaphors. "Leaves on the breast of an athiest" has no meaning for me. Metaphors should clarify, not confuse. Leaves as in trees or leaves as in left? See. I do not trust your word use and it is your fault, not mine.
Pretensions. Why capitalise every line? It is retro, confusing, faux-poetic and utterly pointless.
Apart from these minor issues you should try to develop this piece. As a cameo thought it is lacking in depth and texture, happily existing in the pia mater; but that is a reason to develop it, not abandon it.
Title. Give it one.
Best,
tectak

I changed it to 'chiming'
I mean both No you didn't. You spelled the word incorrectly and now you are wriggling.which is also why I included the comma to emphasize waiting. And this is....oh, sorry hang on, my bull-shit alarm has just gone off....I wonder why. As for the leaves part I'll take some time to think of a clearer way of putting even though it seems obvious that I'm referring to leaves from a tree when I use the word 'weight'. Ah...I shall remember that. Whenever I look at a leaf I shall think "weight". Get out'a town Plus the other leaves would absolutely no sense. Actually, you nearly made sense there but you pulled yourself back from the jaws of success . I like it. He left on the breast of an atheist....yes, I could use that

I see where you want to go with the poem, but your bell rings hollow. I think you want something like: the sound of church bells murmur through the mist. What you have now makes no sense. What weights or weighs, do you mean the bell itself? That would have to be one light bell if it weighs no more than a pile of leaves. Is that atheist buried in a shallow grave under those leaves? The most important query is: why would you think a church bell carries any weight as a symbol of Christianity to an atheist, who thinks the concept of a god is silly and that religion is an absurdity? Do you think a mere bell would sway their beliefs? This needs a lot more work in establishing your point of view, developing your metaphor and assembling the proper images. Good luck with your next edit./Chris

That is my point. It doesn't hold any meaning to an atheist or very very little. Which is why I compared it's weight to leaves laying on them.

I was confused. The juxtaposition of the Church and Atheism can make for an interesting poem, but I have no idea what you're going for with this. "And weights, as leaves on the breast Of an atheist." means literally nothing to me. More explanation for what you're trying to convey could make this so much better.

I'm simply pointing out how something can have a lot of meaning to one person and, in this case, very little meaning to another.

[Reesedog914]

I mean what meaning are you trying to pass? I do not get anything from these lines.

[Sachelcharges]

I'm trying to show something can mean a lot to one person and not much to another.
As you can see I completely rewrote it. Is it any better or worse?

[just mercedes]

Edit#1-
The silver-tongued Church bells
that murmur like a mist- hyphen?
gathers in the hearts of worshipers, gather - 'bells' makes the verb form plural. Check spelling of 'worshipers'
but lifts off from the breast lift - same reason. Are you sure you need the 'off'?
of an Atheist.


Original-
The chiming of church bells
Rolls through like a mist
And weights, as leaves on the breast
Of an atheist

I think your edit has improved your poem. That's good to see!

I'm not happy with mist murmuring but I suppose, with synesthesia, you could 'hear' the roiling.

I'm not sure why Church and Atheist are capitalized. It doesn't seem necessary to me.

Cheers!

[Sachelcharges]

In my abiword document it says worshipers is spelled correctly but I've also seen it spelled with two p's.
My reasoning for the mist murmuring is to emphasize the 'silent' and non literal way in which the bells speak to someone. If that makes any sense.
The reason they're capitalized is so they stand out

[Erthona]

I think this could still be streamlined. "silver-tongued" is a bad choice. I think it was better when you used chimed. Worshipers is awkward here. There probably needs to be a line between "breast" and "Atheist" as mist-breast are separated by a line. Just and example, not a suggestion:

The chime of Church bells
murmurs like mist
in hearts of believers;
no entry in the breast
of the Atheist.

Dale

Dale

[QDeathstar]

Edit#1-
The silver-tongued Church bells
that murmur like a mist
gather in the hearts of worshipers,
but lift from the breast
of an Atheist.


Original-
The chiming of church bells
Rolls through like a mist
And weights, as leaves on the breast
Of an atheist

The edit is definitely a lot better. However, church bells ring loudly, they don't murmur.

Line four is kinda misty foggy to me.

Why leaves? Perhaps feathers would be more appropriate. They tickle, and then, if they are on the atheist, he can giggle because he is ticklish.

[Tiger the Lion]

I agree with QDS, in that the church bells might be better "clanging in the mist" rather than "murmer like a mist".
Also, I would prefer "brass-tongued" for a number of reasons: it's a lot less cliche, also the word brass has a nice connotation of conceit that might work here. Thirdly, the actual tongue of a church bell is often brass. If this is the complete opposite of your intent, sorry.
That said, I like it very much, Paul

[zmeansy]

Is it to be understood that the church bells weigh down the atheist and cause him burden??

[milo]

Edit#1-
The silver-tongued Church bells
that murmur like a mist
gather in the hearts of worshipers,
but lift from the breast
of an Atheist.

"silver-tongued" is a cliche and a doozy at that.
bells murmuring is about as pointless as mist murmuring.
bells gathering in hearts is just too twee to be written seriously.

Overall, I think you know what you want to say but you are being too coy. Try abandoning what you want to say and go for interesting instead.