Said the Priest to the Elder
#21
(06-03-2014, 02:42 AM)metalfan91 Wrote:  Priest:
"You must come with us, you don't belong here anymore.
Or you will flee to the lands of the West.
You must become the un-inhabitants,
For our destiny to manifest.
This world was given to us by powers up high,
By steel and by plague, you shall abide!"

Elder:
Your beasts and machines bring terror to us;
Your iron fist concealed by velvet glove.
The land now bears the name of your oft-gloried one:
Conqueror, who has slain our daughters and sons.
Please leave, go away! Here's no glory for us.
Stay your hand, brothers, this can still be undone.

Priest:
"Fools! Savages! You haven't the sense
to claim your home on our continents.
We've come to civilize and spread the Holy Flame.
This wild, ancient, fertile place,
All for us to tame."
--------------------------------------------------
Original

"You must go! You don't belong here anymore!
You will flee to the lands of the West.
You must become the un-inhabitants,
For our destiny to manifest.
This world was granted to us by powers up high,
By steel and by plague, you shall abide!"

Your beasts and machines bring terror to us;
Your iron fist concealed by velvet glove.
Our lands now bear the names of your oft-gloried ones:
Conquerors who've slain our daughters and sons.
Please leave, go away! Here's no glory for us.
Stay your hand, brothers, this can still be undone.

"Fools! Savages! You haven't the sense
to claim your home on our continents.
We've come to civilize and feed the holy flame,
This wild, ancient, fertile place,
All for us to tame."

I feel as though labeling "Priest" and "Elder" detracts from it in some way. I imagined the dialogue spoken by different people. You could simply put the middle stanza in italics and move it to the right, or differentiate it in some way other than quotations or a lack thereof to display the dialogue. I really love it though, as someone who studies a lot regarding colonialization. It's short, catchy, your ideas are straightforward and profound. It doesn't need further explanation. It doesn't matter who this is about or where. It applies so broadly and so simply. Great job.
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#22
(07-15-2014, 05:22 PM)catfacemeowmers Wrote:  
(06-03-2014, 02:42 AM)metalfan91 Wrote:  Priest:
"You must come with us, you don't belong here anymore.
Or you will flee to the lands of the West.
You must become the un-inhabitants,
For our destiny to manifest.
This world was given to us by powers up high,
By steel and by plague, you shall abide!"

Elder:
Your beasts and machines bring terror to us;
Your iron fist concealed by velvet glove.
The land now bears the name of your oft-gloried one:
Conqueror, who has slain our daughters and sons.
Please leave, go away! Here's no glory for us.
Stay your hand, brothers, this can still be undone.

Priest:
"Fools! Savages! You haven't the sense
to claim your home on our continents.
We've come to civilize and spread the Holy Flame.
This wild, ancient, fertile place,
All for us to tame."
--------------------------------------------------
Original

"You must go! You don't belong here anymore!
You will flee to the lands of the West.
You must become the un-inhabitants,
For our destiny to manifest.
This world was granted to us by powers up high,
By steel and by plague, you shall abide!"

Your beasts and machines bring terror to us;
Your iron fist concealed by velvet glove.
Our lands now bear the names of your oft-gloried ones:
Conquerors who've slain our daughters and sons.
Please leave, go away! Here's no glory for us.
Stay your hand, brothers, this can still be undone.

"Fools! Savages! You haven't the sense
to claim your home on our continents.
We've come to civilize and feed the holy flame,
This wild, ancient, fertile place,
All for us to tame."

I feel as though labeling "Priest" and "Elder" detracts from it in some way. I imagined the dialogue spoken by different people. You could simply put the middle stanza in italics and move it to the right, or differentiate it in some way other than quotations or a lack thereof to display the dialogue. I really love it though, as someone who studies a lot regarding colonialization. It's short, catchy, your ideas are straightforward and profound. It doesn't need further explanation. It doesn't matter who this is about or where. It applies so broadly and so simply. Great job.

I think your suggestion will genuinely make this better. I don't like the way I differentiate between the two (Maybe the title is enough), but that's what I have. Thanks for reading and for sharing what you thought of this.

I wonder if I'm able to share a youtube link here to a video recording I made of singing this piece while playing electric guitar. This was written as lyrics to a metal song.

Because this is written as lyrics to a song, I wanted to give a sense of how it would be arranged in a metal fashion. I hope this piece makes more sense through this.

This is just a part of the song I'm composing. I incorporate styles such as black metal, speed metal, folk metal, and power metal.

Here it is - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u45M-YJU...-DENAzIk5Q
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