Men of Moments (edit 1)

[tmanzano]

(Edit 1)

He said he was
barbecuing chicken

My Mom would usually
chop them into stews
that would last the week

My Step-Dad
was working again
and on a good run

wasting them
for one meal
was a statement;
a man of moments

I grew up enough
to throw him down stairs
and out of houses
that would last the week

We ate vegetable stew
while he was gone
listening to pastors
in other tongues

He lived on concrete
and in cars, not like

the Volkswagen Rabbit
he wore flip-flops
and corduroy shorts in

that cranked Boz Scaggs
and The Little River Band
when we met

When the garbage men found him
behind a dumpster
wearing his liver on his jacket
my Mom paced for answers

I listened
to Boz Scaggs
with Jim Beam


(Not sure yet, trying to clarify some of these lines at the expense of function.)

(orig)

He said he was
barbecuing chicken

My Mom would usually
chop them into stews
that would last

My Step-Dad
was working again
and on a good run-

wasting them
for one meal
was a statement

A man of moments

I grew up enough
to throw him down stairs
and out of houses

We ate vegetable stew
and listened to pastors

He lived in cars
and on concrete -

not like
the Volkswagen Rabbit
he wore flip flops
and corduroy shorts in
that cranked Boz Scaggs
and The Little River Band
when we met

When the garbage men found him
behind a dumpster
wearing his liver on his jacket
my Mom paced for answers

I listened
to Boz Scaggs
with Jim Beam

[Jimmy Stark]

I may have completely misread this, but did you kill your step-dad?

I like the structure of the poem. It makes me feel as if the narrator is uneasy and his mind is racing. If you intended to make me think your narrator killed someone then this is probably the perfect state of mind to write from.

Loved the ending. Tying Boz Scaggs in with having a drink to take the pressure off is kind of brilliant.

I really liked how you used chicken as an object of excess. While it is a cheap meat, you did a great job portraying the family as hard for money without coming right out an saying it.

The part about the pastor was nice as well. It shows that the step-dad was abusive and the family sought help after he left.

My advice would be to make it more obvious. That may sound dumb, but I had to read this through a few times and I'm still not sure I got the right message. I love what you're trying to do, just help the reader out a little.

[Brownlie]

I would add some punctuation.

He said he was
barbecuing chicken

My Mom would usually
chop them into stews
that would last

My Step-Dad
was working again
and on a good run-

wasting them
for one meal
was a statement

A man of moments

I grew up enough
to throw him down stairs
and out of houses

We ate vegetable stew
and listened to pastors -- More can be said about pastors or the type of pastor can be specified. Maybe physical details about listening to pastors or quotes from them or something. So long as you don't damage your tone here which is not bad.

He lived in cars
and on concrete -

not like
the Volkswagen Rabbit
he wore flip flops
and corduroy shorts in --- This section would really benefit from punctuation.
that cranked Boz Scaggs
and The Little River Band
when we met

When the garbage men found him
behind a dumpster
wearing his liver on his jacket
my Mom paced for answers

I listened
to Boz Scaggs
with Jim Beam

Not bad, I like how you used the proper nouns. I think you may want to consider adding punctuation though.

[tmanzano]

I may have completely misread this, but did you kill your step-dad?

I like the structure of the poem. It makes me feel as if the narrator is uneasy and his mind is racing. If you intended to make me think your narrator killed someone then this is probably the perfect state of mind to write from.

Loved the ending. Tying Boz Scaggs in with having a drink to take the pressure off is kind of brilliant.

I really liked how you used chicken as an object of excess. While it is a cheap meat, you did a great job portraying the family as hard for money without coming right out an saying it.

The part about the pastor was nice as well. It shows that the step-dad was abusive and the family sought help after he left.

My advice would be to make it more obvious. That may sound dumb, but I had to read this through a few times and I'm still not sure I got the right message. I love what you're trying to do, just help the reader out a little.

Thank you Jimmy. The take is closer than you think. I have always danced with obscurity for the sake of clarity.

This is about the guilt of his Step-Dad dying on the streets from alcoholism after being thrown out of the house. He misses him dearly. Hope this helped. I will work on trying to convey that in an edit. Thank you for the read.

---

I would add some punctuation.

He said he was
barbecuing chicken

My Mom would usually
chop them into stews
that would last

My Step-Dad
was working again
and on a good run-

wasting them
for one meal
was a statement

A man of moments

I grew up enough
to throw him down stairs
and out of houses

We ate vegetable stew
and listened to pastors -- More can be said about pastors or the type of pastor can be specified. Maybe physical details about listening to pastors or quotes from them or something. So long as you don't damage your tone here which is not bad.

He lived in cars
and on concrete -

not like
the Volkswagen Rabbit
he wore flip flops
and corduroy shorts in --- This section would really benefit from punctuation.
that cranked Boz Scaggs
and The Little River Band
when we met

When the garbage men found him
behind a dumpster
wearing his liver on his jacket
my Mom paced for answers

I listened
to Boz Scaggs
with Jim Beam

Not bad, I like how you used the proper nouns. I think you may want to consider adding punctuation though.

Great suggestions, and will work on this. I especially like your "pastor" comment. Sent my thoughts racing with ideas. Working an edit... Great advice. Thank you

[ellajam]

Hi, t, welcome back. For me this is absolutely clear. Here are some notes.

He said he was
barbecuing chicken

My Mom would usually
chop them into stews
that would last

My Step-Dad
was working again
and on a good run-

wasting them
for one meal
was a statement

A man of moments
Great start, you make me know this man.

I grew up enough
to throw him down stairs
and out of houses

We ate vegetable stew
and listened to pastors
Shows how he needed to be removed yet the family was worse off in some ways. Pastors is a little blank, shallow.

He lived in cars
and on concrete -
I think the next lines would work better for me if you switched cars and concrete.

not like
the Volkswagen Rabbit
he wore flip flops
and corduroy shorts in
that cranked Boz Scaggs
and The Little River Band
when we met

When the garbage men found him
behind a dumpster
wearing his liver on his jacket Clear cause of death, great line.
my Mom paced for answers

I listened
to Boz Scaggs
with Jim Beam
Honoring the dead in the way of the dead. Explains the title and his influence on the narrator in their love/hate relationship.

Thanks for the interesting read. Heartbreaking.

[71degrees]

He said he was
barbecuing chicken

My Mom would usually
chop them into stews
that would last

My Step-Dad
was working again
and on a good run-

wasting them
for one meal
was a statement

A man of moments

I grew up enough
to throw him down stairs
and out of houses

We ate vegetable stew
and listened to pastors

He lived in cars
and on concrete -

not like
the Volkswagen Rabbit
he wore flip flops
and corduroy shorts in
that cranked Boz Scaggs
and The Little River Band
when we met

When the garbage men found him
behind a dumpster
wearing his liver on his jacket
my Mom paced for answers

I listened
to Boz Scaggs
with Jim Beam

The understated is always best. And you do this well. He "said" he was BBQing chicken....love it. Indeed, a man of moments. Nice picture words throughout (e.g. cranked, paced, flip-flops, right down to the VW Rabbit). I would resist the temptation of using punctuation. I'd even delete the dashes at the end of the lines and go with a few strategically placed hyphens (flip-flop, out-of-house) to highlight the absurd. Agree you need a stronger word than "pastor." Not sure about the line ..."that would last" and what purpose it serves? Also, "houses?" Did you do this multiple times? How about, "down the stairs and out the house" Just a thought. With so few words, be sure of the ones you do use. Nice write. I'm there with you.

[heslopian]

He said he was
barbecuing chicken

My Mom would usually
chop them into stews
that would last

My Step-Dad
was working again
and on a good run-

wasting them
for one meal
was a statement Wasting chickens? And what exactly was the statement?

A man of moments

I grew up enough
to throw him down stairs
and out of houses What cause did he give the narrator to do that?

We ate vegetable stew We've gone from chicken to vegetable stew, which is a little confusing, but I guess you're describing different meals?
and listened to pastors

He lived in cars
and on concrete - I like this expression. It's quite a unique way of conveying homelessness.

not like
the Volkswagen Rabbit
he wore flip flops
and corduroy shorts in
that cranked Boz Scaggs
and The Little River Band Should a word like "style" go here, as in "that cranked Boz Scraggs and The Little River Band style", referring to his style of dress?
when we met

When the garbage men found him
behind a dumpster
wearing his liver on his jacket
my Mom paced for answers Great verse. Brutal but warm and empathic.

I listened
to Boz Scaggs
with Jim Beam

More clarity and descriptive colour's needed, I think. The poem's a bit vague. I enjoyed it, though, and it has some very evocative lines. It's also moving, in places. Thank you for the read, and all critique is JMHO

[tmanzano]

Hi, t, welcome back. For me this is absolutely clear. Here are some notes.

He said he was
barbecuing chicken

My Mom would usually
chop them into stews
that would last

My Step-Dad
was working again
and on a good run-

wasting them
for one meal
was a statement

A man of moments
Great start, you make me know this man.

I grew up enough
to throw him down stairs
and out of houses

We ate vegetable stew
and listened to pastors
Shows how he needed to be removed yet the family was worse off in some ways. Pastors is a little blank, shallow.

He lived in cars
and on concrete -
I think the next lines would work better for me if you switched cars and concrete.

not like
the Volkswagen Rabbit
he wore flip flops
and corduroy shorts in
that cranked Boz Scaggs
and The Little River Band
when we met

When the garbage men found him
behind a dumpster
wearing his liver on his jacket Clear cause of death, great line.
my Mom paced for answers

I listened
to Boz Scaggs
with Jim Beam
Honoring the dead in the way of the dead. Explains the title and his influence on the narrator in their love/hate relationship.

Thanks for the interesting read. Heartbreaking.

Thank you for the comments. I see the Pastor Stanza is a common comment and still needs work and have been thinking about this line for two days now. You really got the idea on this... "love/hate" is exactly it. Sorry it has taken me a while to get back, I work incredibly long hours and will take a few days before I have time to write again. I will work on this line. I will also be thinking about the concrete/car switch... interesting take, however, I wanted to portray the progression from cars to streets... The most fascinating is that you captured the title. This was very pleasing to me. I attempt to be purposeful with words, and sometimes they blow up on me. Back to thinking...

[ellajam]

Hi, t, welcome back. For me this is absolutely clear. Here are some notes.

He said he was
barbecuing chicken

My Mom would usually
chop them into stews
that would last

My Step-Dad
was working again
and on a good run-

wasting them
for one meal
was a statement

A man of moments
Great start, you make me know this man.

I grew up enough
to throw him down stairs
and out of houses

We ate vegetable stew
and listened to pastors
Shows how he needed to be removed yet the family was worse off in some ways. Pastors is a little blank, shallow.

He lived in cars
and on concrete -
I think the next lines would work better for me if you switched cars and concrete.

not like
the Volkswagen Rabbit
he wore flip flops
and corduroy shorts in
that cranked Boz Scaggs
and The Little River Band
when we met

When the garbage men found him
behind a dumpster
wearing his liver on his jacket Clear cause of death, great line.
my Mom paced for answers

I listened
to Boz Scaggs
with Jim Beam
Honoring the dead in the way of the dead. Explains the title and his influence on the narrator in their love/hate relationship.

Thanks for the interesting read. Heartbreaking.

Thank you for the comments. I see the Pastor Stanza is a common comment and still needs work and have been thinking about this line for two days now. You really got the idea on this... "love/hate" is exactly it. Sorry it has taken me a while to get back, I work incredibly long hours and will take a few days before I have time to write again. I will work on this line. I will also be thinking about the concrete/car switch... interesting take, however, I wanted to portray the progression from cars to streets... Maybe to weak there. Back to thinking...

I just need the Rabbit directly connected to the car, the order could be the same if you shuffle it a bit. The Rabbit was awkward for me after the concrete.

The beauty of the internet, it waits for you to have time for it, no rush.

[tmanzano]

He said he was
barbecuing chicken

My Mom would usually
chop them into stews
that would last

My Step-Dad
was working again
and on a good run-

wasting them
for one meal
was a statement

A man of moments

I grew up enough
to throw him down stairs
and out of houses

We ate vegetable stew
and listened to pastors

He lived in cars
and on concrete -

not like
the Volkswagen Rabbit
he wore flip flops
and corduroy shorts in
that cranked Boz Scaggs
and The Little River Band
when we met

When the garbage men found him
behind a dumpster
wearing his liver on his jacket
my Mom paced for answers

I listened
to Boz Scaggs
with Jim Beam

The understated is always best. And you do this well. He "said" he was BBQing chicken....love it. Indeed, a man of moments. Nice picture words throughout (e.g. cranked, paced, flip-flops, right down to the VW Rabbit). I would resist the temptation of using punctuation. I'd even delete the dashes at the end of the lines and go with a few strategically placed hyphens (flip-flop, out-of-house) to highlight the absurd. Agree you need a stronger word than "pastor." Not sure about the line ..."that would last" and what purpose it serves? Also, "houses?" Did you do this multiple times? How about, "down the stairs and out the house" Just a thought. With so few words, be sure of the ones you do use. Nice write. I'm there with you.

Thank you so very much 71. Great insight and deeply absorbed by me. I work too much to have the time for a quick reply and I am sorry it has take this long to get back to you on this. I do not like the punctuation idea either. I will resist. The hyphen idea? Well taken. I will be working on this today. I am working on the pastor stanza as well. I have been thinking about this for two days. An elusive line I need to be careful with. I used houses instead of house to give a sense of time. It was in fact multiple house the narrator though him out of. Maybe I could elaborate a tad in this stanza as well. I do appreciate your opening statement to me. I believe the understated is best as well. Thank you.

---

He said he was
barbecuing chicken

My Mom would usually
chop them into stews
that would last

My Step-Dad
was working again
and on a good run-

wasting them
for one meal
was a statement Wasting chickens? And what exactly was the statement?

A man of moments

I grew up enough
to throw him down stairs
and out of houses What cause did he give the narrator to do that?

We ate vegetable stew We've gone from chicken to vegetable stew, which is a little confusing, but I guess you're describing different meals?
and listened to pastors

He lived in cars
and on concrete - I like this expression. It's quite a unique way of conveying homelessness.

not like
the Volkswagen Rabbit
he wore flip flops
and corduroy shorts in
that cranked Boz Scaggs
and The Little River Band Should a word like "style" go here, as in "that cranked Boz Scraggs and The Little River Band style", referring to his style of dress?
when we met

When the garbage men found him
behind a dumpster
wearing his liver on his jacket
my Mom paced for answers Great verse. Brutal but warm and empathic.

I listened
to Boz Scaggs
with Jim Beam

More clarity and descriptive colour's needed, I think. The poem's a bit vague. I enjoyed it, though, and it has some very evocative lines. It's also moving, in places. Thank you for the read, and all critique is JMHO

Some one said, and don't know who: A Poet makes the obscure clear not make the clear obscure. I agree with you that I have left a few things out in an attempt to achieve an understated piece, but I have a difficult time writing with too much clarity. I do this on purpose. It just doesn't seem any fun to me that way. I do value your opinion and think you are right. It is still a little too vague. I am working on a few, very few, choice words to make it stand up. Thank you for you honest opinions. They mean a lot.