Undoing

[expiring_touch]

Spring scented lights
fill up the sky, spill over
the roof into my glass --
I’ve spilt myself all over
the pavement, too,
red wine and all, shy nods,
and obscene swirls
with a stranger. He tied
red leather bracelets
to my wrists
before I disappeared
back to the twilight.
I’ve never realized
how loud it can be -
the strike of keys
on the piano.
Your hands
along the
seams,
undoing

[olive_morphia]

First of all, really like this. I especially like the lines, "I've spilt myself all over the pavement...", only... I think 'spilt' isn't actually a word? Not sure if you're going for the colloquial-esque sound or if you meant to say 'spilled'. Also, I like the short lines, creates kind of a nervous feel to the piece... but some of them are maybe inappropriately short, in my opinion, like I haven't finished breathing in and then someone comes and tells me to exhale. I've bolded the ones that I suggest maybe compressing into one line...

Spring scented lights
fill up the sky, [.....] spill over
the roof into my glass --
I’ve spilt myself all over
the pavement, too,
red wine and all, shy nods,
and obscene swirls
with a stranger. He tied
red leather bracelets
to my wrists
before I disappeared
back to the twilight.
I’ve never realized ---for some reason, the use of "I've" here seems awkward. I might suggest simply "I", or "I'd". The verb tense seems off, like you moved into the past tense and then switched back into present perfect suddenly.
how loud it can be -
the strike of keys
on the piano.
Your hands
along the
seams,
undoing

[Isis]

I'm a-ok with 'spilt'. I think you can get away with it even if it's not in Websters, mostly because it sounds good both on its own and in context, and because people will understand what you mean. Not meaning to discount olive_morphia's suggestions, just throwing it out there - different readers respond to different stuff!

I like this poem a lot, and I think the restrained line length and sort of restrained language contrasts with the kind of whimsical images used throughout the poem. I like the way "spill/spilt" and the different uses of "all" create moments of repetition here. I feel like there's a tension between showing us particulars and holding things back. I get a really clear image from the first few lines, though I'm sure its not exactly what you're looking at and imagining: I think about the smell of lilacs, mostly because that's familiar to me. And I like the idea of spring spilling into a glass and becoming wine, of the speaker getting sort of sloppy drunk on it. But at the same time, I wonder what other particulars in the poem refer to. It's like we see these brief snapshots with the red bracelets, the piano, "your hands" along seams. Seams of a tight dress, the first one that comes out of the closet after a long winter? Along seems of the world, undoing everything? I kind of have to put together the story myself from these snapshots.

There's a bit of sentence structure/grammatical weirdness I wanted to point out:

I’ve spilt myself all over
the pavement, too,
red wine and all, shy nods,
and obscene swirls
with a stranger.

I'm having a hard time figuring out how the bolded section of the sentence fits in with the rest of it; I get it as part of that scene, or as part of the overall milieu of the poem. The way it's after "red wine and all" suggests that the shy nods and obscene swirls are parts that the speaker has spilt all over the pavement, but because these things are actions and not objects, I'm having a hard time imagining it ... this part of the sentence feels more separate, like a comma is not enough to clarify and delineate what's going on here.

I hope you find this useful - let me know if you want to discuss further.

[QDeathstar]

Spring scented lights
fill up the sky, spill over
the roof into my glass --
I’ve spilt myself all over
the pavement, too,
red wine and all, shy nods, I really love this first sentence, the way shifts across different objects, so smoothly.
and obscene swirls
with a stranger. He tied
red leather bracelets
to my wrists
before I disappeared
back to the twilight. Is the speaker an escort? I ask because the speaker says "stranger" and there is just a bit of kink, then the speaker disappears back into twilight... Was that the intent?
I’ve never realized
how loud it can be -
the strike of keys
on the piano.
Your hands
along the
seams,
undoing mmm, that is so sexy. I also like the lack of punctuation, it adds to the undoing, imo.

---

Also, i agree that spilt is fine.

[just mercedes]

Spring scented lights I like the synesthesia
fill up the sky, spill over wanted sound here to go with sight and scent
the roof into my glass -- m dash?
I’ve spilt myself all over
the pavement, too, 'spilt all over the pavement like?
red wine and all, shy nods, and all, shy nods - needed?
and obscene swirls
with a stranger. He tied
red leather bracelets
to my wrists love the particular 'red' but two 'reds' close together
before I disappeared
back to the twilight.
I’ve never realized
how loud it can be - could be?
the strike of keys the ... of ... is a construction I hate
on the piano.
Your hands
along the
seams,
undoing I like that the punctuation has vanished here

The last glass of Merlot at lunch may have been a mistake. Please ignore this if you are having breakfast or supper.

[LorettaYoung]

Spring scented lights
fill up the sky, spill over
the roof into my glass --
I’ve spilt myself all over
the pavement, too,
red wine and all, shy nods, I think shy nods should start in another line
and obscene swirls
with a stranger. He tied
red leather bracelets
to my wrists
before I disappeared
back to the twilight. Could you be more specific about the twilight, how or can it relate to "sping cented lights"
I’ve never realized
how loud it can be -
the strike of keys
on the piano. I am not understanding the relevance of the piano to the "seams" and "undoing"
Your hands
along the
seams,
undoing

I like abstraction, the way you think and write; would you think of flushing this out some more?

[Nujet2002]

Spring scented lights
fill up the sky, spill over
the roof into my glass --
I’ve spilt myself all over
the pavement, too,
red wine and all, shy nods,
and obscene swirls
with a stranger. He tied really like the imagery of this line of spilling yourself and not just the wine, however the spill and spilt are a bit repetitive
red leather bracelets same thing with the red and red
to my wrists
before I disappeared
back to the twilight. unsure of where you are disappearing when already tied up
I’ve never realized
how loud it can be -
the strike of keys
on the piano. this line just lost me so i think I'm just missing something
Your hands
along the
seams,
undoing great ending

[kmatrixg]

Enjoyed this a lot. This is my kind of writing.