Late Nights

[mrwhite]

I wrote this for my girlfriend who is thousands of miles away and I won't see for three months. I'd like to send it to her but need some critique. Having no formal training in poetry analysis or writing, I did my best with free verse and tried to keep the syllables the same for each line. I started off writing a sonnet but found it too difficult. How can I make this a more formal piece that is more 'poetic'? Any feedback is appreciated, I want to make this as good as possible for her. Thank you all!

For all the time apart my mind wanders
to the nights when we heard the crickets sing
upon the hill we claimed as ours. Tiring
days made sweet by the touch of bodies
nestled between the arms of two struggling
lovers hopelessly lost in the trenches
of guarded souls. We marveled at the
universe and I saw in your eyes a reflection
of the joy and compassion you would
one day bestow onto me. Nightly
departures brought sorrow but also a promise
of return. Our arms extended, and my hand
became interlocked with yours like the roots of
an ancient sycamore tree on familiar earth.
And I have yet to let go.

[rowens]

For all the time apart my mind wanders
to the nights when we heard the crickets sing
upon the hill we claimed as ours. Tiring
days made sweet by the touch of bodies
nestled between the arms of two struggling
lovers hopelessly lost in the trenches
of guarded souls. We marveled at the
universe and I saw in your eyes a reflection
of the joy and compassion you would
one day bestow onto me. Nightly
departures brought sorrow but also a promise
of return. Our arms extended, and my hand
became interlocked with yours like the roots of
an ancient sycamore tree on familiar earth.
And I have yet to let go.


Cutting those things would be a start.

[RSaba]

Hey, you have some sweet lines here. However, I think that when you began it as a sonnet, you stayed within a sonnet style that cramped your freedom to write the poem. As rowens pointed out, there are some hefty, almost Shakespearean bits in there that weigh it down. The advice I like to give for poetry like this, which is technically written in full sentences, is to lay the sentences out as a paragraph of prose and then read them out. Find what sounds awkward, and fix it. Then turn it back into a poem.

You don't need to be restricted to meter. You can end a line wherever you want, and you can use line breaks to emphasize parts of the poem. For instance:
Tiring days made sweet
by the touch of bodies
nestled between the arms of two struggling lovers
hopelessly lost in the trenches
of guarded souls.
That is just an example, of course. And there is nothing wrong with having longer lines. But you should feel free to do what you want with it, and not have to follow a certain style if it does not work for you.

At PigPen, you're expected to give some feedback on other people's poetry before posting your own. Take a look around, give some feedback. Maybe you will read something that helps you figure out what you would like to achieve with your writing. Critiquing is just as good for your writing as writing itself is.

Rowens already pointed out the aforementioned awkward bits. Here are just a few more comments. I hope this is helpful, and please give back with some helpful feedback for others. That's how this site works.

I wrote this for my girlfriend who is thousands of miles away and I won't see for three months. I'd like to send it to her but need some critique. Having no formal training in poetry analysis or writing, I did my best with free verse and tried to keep the syllables the same for each line. I started off writing a sonnet but found it too difficult. How can I make this a more formal piece that is more 'poetic'? Any feedback is appreciated, I want to make this as good as possible for her. Thank you all!

For all the time apart my mind wanders
to the nights when we heard the crickets sing
upon the hill we claimed as ours. Tiring
days made sweet I like "tiring days made sweet" a lot. A good simple line by the touch of bodies
nestled between the arms of two struggling
lovers hopelessly lost in the trenches this is really dramatic and yet means nothing. You've got emotion here but a lot of these phrases are somewhat cliched. A poem that has more familiar and personal touches to it will probably mean more to her anyways!
of guarded souls. We marveled at the
universe and I saw in your eyes a reflection
of the joy and compassion you would
one day bestow onto me. Nightly
departures brought sorrow but also a promise Not a fan of this line. It's stiff and old-fashioned-feeling. Also, this seems rather melancholy. I understand that the departure preceding 3 months would bring sorrow, but sorrow is not how one might describe saying goodnight.
of return. Our arms extended, and my hand
became interlocked with yours like the roots of
an ancient sycamore tree on familiar earth. Cool line, except for the "ancient" part. I like this image, but an ancient tree does not fit with the simile since you are only just locking hands and have not been doing so for hundreds of year. Perhaps a young sapling?
And I have yet to let go. Nice last line.

I hope that helps. Please do take the time to read some stuff here. Good luck.

[mrwhite]

thanks for the feedback! I've edited it a bit. Here it is:

My mind wanders to the nights
when we heard the crickets sing
on the hill we claimed as ours.
Tiring days made sweet
by the touch of two struggling
lovers hopelessly lost in
search for the eternal. ======thoughts on this? im pointing towards the belief that love is man's attempt to become immortal.
We marveled at the universe,
to places not yet traveled,
to dreams locked in the stars. ===cliched? trying to convey how unattainable, at that time, some of our dreams seemed

Nightly departures brought heartache
but a promise of return. == would and be better used here?
Our arms extended, my hand
interlocked with yours like the roots of
an ancient sycamore tree on familiar earth. ==I kind of like the 'ancient'
And I have yet to let go. or And I will never let go.

[RSaba]

So much better, and so much easier to read! Good edit, and I'm glad you took the feedback to heart.

Re: your notes:

1) "search for the eternal"- I get what it means! But it sort of doesn't fit with the poem. You're writing it for her, and everything else is about you two. Then there's this line that just seems out of place in its sort of cliched, wide-sweeping meaning. I hope that makes sense. It's not a terrible line, really. Just not relevant.

2) Not as cliched as 1). I like the idea of dreams locked in stars. While 1) takes your feelings too far away, 2) does a good job of keeping it about you two- this is something that you did together (marveling), while 1) is not about something you two did/felt together. Hope that makes sense.

3) Great call on "heartache." So much better, makes so much more sense. "But" is the right word.

4) You have every right to keep the tree bit! That one was just a personal suggestion. Keep it.

5) Well, you're trying to show her that you love her & won't fade over the 3 months. "I have yet to let go" sounds more like the end of a break-up poem, now that I think about it. "And I will never let go" would be the right decision.

NOTE:
- I would not normally give this much in-depth feedback on the poetry of somebody who has not yet given any feedback whatsoever on this website. Unfortunately I can be a bit too nice sometimes, and I wanted to help you since you're giving this poem to somebody. But if you eanty to be able to get more feedback on more writing, you will have to add to the community.

---RSaba