She broke her baby’s head off (4 mutter's day)

[Erthona]

.

She broke her baby’s head off,
I had to put it back on,
does that make me a god?

Would it help to know
she is two years old,
and the baby only plastic.

But, am I any less a god
to her.
Or am I just,
Mommy?


©2002 ~Erthona

[Brownlie]

.

She broke her baby’s head off,
I had to put it back on,
does that make me a god?

Would it help to know
she is two years old,
and the baby only plastic.

But, am I any less a god
to her.
Or am I just,
Mommy?


©2002 ~Erthona

I meant to post this poem here:

As a fond mother, when the day is o'er,

Leads by the hand her little child to bed,

Half willing, half reluctant to be led,

And leave his broken playthings on the floor,

Still gazing at them through the open door,

Nor wholly reassured and comforted

By promises of others in their stead,

Which, though more splendid, may not please him more;

So Nature deals with us, and takes away

Our playthings one by one, and by the hand

Leads us to rest so gently, that we go

Scarce knowing if we wish to go or stay,

Being too full of sleep to understand

How far the unknown transcends the what we know.
-Longfellow

This might be seen as a bit disconnected and frumpy, but it seemed pertinent.

[Erthona]

I don't know if it is relevant, but I like Longfellow. I think he nails it here. People as they get old start to resemble children more and more, especially in the area of sleep. Quite different from Dylan Thomas' poem.

Dale

[Mopkins]

I misread it - thought it said NUTTERS day - I'd like a Nutter's Day to celebrate myself.

Groovy poem Dale.

[Erthona]

.

Far out Marianne!


dale the mellow yellow submarine



......paul is lead

[Mopkins]

'Far Out' is one of the more polite things I've been called.

odd poem for a bloke to write - from the perspective of a mother.

[Erthona]

I usually do not write from my own perspective, although they tend to be gender neutral or male slanted. I don't generally write obviously from a woman's perspective, although I have a few that are. I prefer to write gender neutral unless it is germane to the poem to be obviously one way or another.

Congratulation on becoming a senior moment, er member.


dale the gender neutral

[Mopkins]

My poems vary, but are usually written from my own perspective. Your poem could easily be written to feature a father, not mother. It would work either way.

I think I'm only a senior member because of my compulsive adding to the fauxku choo choo thread - I haven't contributed much elsewhere... how do you change what's written above your stars? Senior member sounds too close to senior citizen for me and I'm only 42, over the hill admittedly, but not quite old folks home ready yet.

[Erthona]

Ask a mod. Probably Leanne for you.


dale the informative

[Mopkins]

Ask a mod. Probably Leanne for you.


dale the informative

oh - pressures on now to think of something suitable... thank you.

marianne the question-ing/able

[ellajam]

.

She broke her baby’s head off,
I had to put it back on,
does that make me a god?

Would it help to know
she is two years old,
and the baby only plastic.

But, am I any less a god
to her.
Or am I just,
Mommy?


©2002 ~Erthona

I like it, but I'd like to see something other than "Would it help to know", and the last two lines struck me as hokey.

And I agree with Marianne, it could go genderless if it hadn't been mutter's day, my Dad could fix anything.

[ChristopherSea]

Dale, Does it really require a god to fix a broken doll or a damaged heart valve for that matter? Man is only limited by his lack of knowledge and technology. Intriguing mothers day poem./Chris

[Erthona]

"I agree with Marianne, it could go genderless if it hadn't been mutter's day, my Dad could fix anything."

I've had it both ways.
__________________________________________________________________________________________
"the last two lines struck me as hokey."

The whole poem is hokey!
__________________________________________________________________________________________
"I like it, but I'd like to see something other than "Would it help to know"

what would you like to see?
_______________________________________________________________

Actually, I like it better with Daddy, but I wrote it on mother's day, so.... It's not a great poem, but it's not really suppose to be.

Thanks for your reading and comments, always appreciated,

xoxoxo

Dale

[ellajam]

"I like it, but I'd like to see something other than "Would it help to know"

what would you like to see?
_____________________________________________________________

I was counting on you to do it, , but here's one meager option:

She broke her baby’s head off,
I had to put it back on,
does that make me a god

in her toddler world? or in her growing world? or in her tiny world?
She is two years old,
and the baby only plastic.

But, am I any less a god
to her.
Or am I just,
Mommy?

[Erthona]

The problem is that really doesn't move you from where you were, to where you are going. The "Would it help to know" is a transitional line. The lines you have offered just restate "She is two years old", but it is too jarring to go straight to that, thus the transitional line. Or do you think it sounds OK just to go straight into "She is two years old..." ?


xoxoxo

Dale

[ChristopherSea]

Put a semicolon after on and the question mark after god. Go with the 'She is...only plastic' two line transitional stanza.

[Erthona]

Chris,

That's a good solution to the problem if I don't like what I have, but I am unconvinced that what is there is not good, but let's look:


She broke her baby’s head off,
I had to put it back on;
does that make me a god?

She is two years old,
and the baby only plastic.

Seems kind of flat to me, artificial even.

I think I will keep the semi-colon at "on". I think the question of "does that make me a god?" is more than rhetorical, and has to be answered. Sorry guys, not convinced yet. Ella says that it is hokey. I don't see it that way, but I'm still open to being convinced.

Thanks for your comments guys,

Dale