Satan's Book -second edit

[Mopkins]

Here’s one from my misspent 20’s that I’ve tried to patch up... apologies in advance for its religiousness– can anyone tell me if I’ve scanned it correctly. Still new to scansion, so this is a practice piece for me. Comments on the poem itself also welcome.


2nd edit
Satan’s Book

Well, Jesus writes the Book Of Life, my name is writ therein,
but Satan has another book that details all my sin.
He makes it from the pages that my savior casts away
(for He edits my biography each and ev’ry day.)
He blots out my transgressions and does not recall my sin
but Satan gets the pages that were destined for the bin
and with them he accuses me before the Throne Of Grace;
so I confess, repent, and then (to get him off my case)
imagine that I take his book and cast it in the sea
and Satan frowns, but I care not – For Jesus smiles at me.




1st edit
Satan’s Book

Well, Jesus writes the Book Of Life, my name is writ therein,
but Satan has another book that details all my sin.
He makes it from the pages that my savior casts away
(for He edits my biography each and ev’ry day-
He blots out my transgressions and does not recall my sin)
but Satan gets the pages that were destined for the bin
and with them he accuses me before the Throne Of Grace;
so I confess, repent, and then to get him off my case
imagine that I take his book and cast it in the sea
and Satan frowns, but I care not – For Jesus smiles at me.



original
Satan’s Book

Well Jesus writes the Book Of Life, my name is writ therein,
but Satan has another book that details all my sins.
He makes it from the pages that my savior casts away
(for He edits my biography each and ev’ry day-
He blots out my transgressions and does not recall my sins)
but Satan gets the pages that were destined for the bin
and with them he accuses me before the Throne Of Grace;
so I confess, repent, and then to get him off my case
imagine that I take his book and cast it in the sea
and Satan frowns, but I care not – For Jesus smiles at me.





Satan’s Book

well JE/sus WRITES/ the BOOK/ of LIFE,/ my NAME/ is WRIT/ thereIN,
7 IAMBS
but SA/tan HAS/ aNOTH/er BOOK/ that DE/tails ALL/ my SINS.
7 IAMBS
he MAKES/ it FROM/ the PAGE/s THAT/ my SAV/ior CASTS/ aWAY
7 IAMBS
(for he ED/its MY/ biO/graphy EACH/ and EV’/ry DAY-
Anapaest/iamb/iamb/anapaest/iamb/iamb
He BLOTS/ OUT my trans/GRESSions /and does NOT/ reCALL/ my SINS)
Iamb/dactyl/trochee/anapaest/iamb/iamb
but SA/tan GETS/the PAGE/s that WERE/ DESTined/ FOR the/ BIN
Iamb/iamb/iamb/anapaest/trochee/trochee/?
and WITH/ them he AC/cuses ME/ beFORE/ the THRONE/ of GRACE;
Iamb/anapaest/anapest/iamb/iamb/iamb
so I/ conFESS,/ rePENT,/ and THEN/ to GET/ him OFF/ my CASE
7 IAMBS
iMAG/ine THAT/ i TAKE/ his BOOK/ and CAST/ it IN/ the SEA
7 IAMBS
and SA/tan FROWNS,/ but I/ care not – FOR/ JEsus/ SMILES at me.
Iamb/iamb/iamb/anapaest/trochee/dactyl

[billy]

i see it as mainly iambic, i'm not good enough to give a complete scansion though.

the very first word held me up. yep that inversion thing. i could read it better as [well, Jesus....]

apart from a couple of niggles i think it's a solid effort. it has a light hearted yet knowing feel to it. while it isn't a sonnet i think it has the making of one.

Here’s one from my misspent 20’s that I’ve tried to patch up... apologies in advance for its religiousness– can anyone tell me if I’ve scanned it correctly. Still new to scansion, so this is a practice piece for me. Comments on the poem itself also welcome.


Satan’s Book

Well Jesus writes the Book Of Life, my name is writ therein,
but Satan has another book that details all my sins. i think sin would have sufficed and better fit the rhyme.
He makes it from the pages that my savior casts away
(for He edits my biography each and ev’ry day- ev/er/y would give you that extra half foot i think the ['] acts as a contaraction which loses the half foot
He blots out my transgressions and does not recall my sins) why use sins again?
but Satan gets the pages that were destined for the bin i like the resignation of this line, as though it's just one of those things.
and with them he accuses me before the Throne Of Grace;
so I confess, repent, and then to get him off my case
imagine that I take his book and cast it in the sea
and Satan frowns, but I care not – For Jesus smiles at me.





Satan’s Book

well JE/sus WRITES/ the BOOK/ of LIFE,/ my NAME/ is WRIT/ thereIN,
7 IAMBS
but SA/tan HAS/ aNOTH/er BOOK/ that DE/tails ALL/ my SINS.
7 IAMBS
he MAKES/ it FROM/ the PAGE/s THAT/ my SAV/ior CASTS/ aWAY
7 IAMBS
(for he ED/its MY/ biO/graphy EACH/ and EV’/ry DAY-
Anapaest/iamb/iamb/anapaest/iamb/iamb
He BLOTS/ OUT my trans/GRESSions /and does NOT/ reCALL/ my SINS)
Iamb/dactyl/trochee/anapaest/iamb/iamb
but SA/tan GETS/the PAGE/s that WERE/ DESTined/ for the BIN
Iamb/iamb/iamb/anapaest/trochee/anapest
and WITH/ them he AC/cuses ME/ beFORE/ the THRONE/ of GRACE;
Iamb/anapaest/anapest/iamb/iamb/iamb,
so I/ conFESS,/ rePENT,/ and THEN/ to GET/ him OFF/ my CASE
7 IAMBS
iMAG/ine THAT/ i TAKE/ his BOOK/ and CAST/ it IN/ the SEA
7 IAMBS
and SA/tan FROWNS,/ but I/ care not – FOR/ JEsus/ SMILES at me.
Iamb/iamb/iamb/anapaest/trochee/dactyl

[Mopkins]

[quote='billy' pid='164085' dateline='1399692717']
i see it as mainly iambic, i'm not good enough to give a complete scansion though.

the very first word held me up. yep that inversion thing. i could read it better as [well, Jesus....]

apart from a couple of niggles i think it's a solid effort. it has a light hearted yet knowing feel to it. while it isn't a sonnet i think it has the making of one.


Hi Billy

Originally I had "Oh!" as the first word, but thought it a bit melodramatic, so I edited it to well yesterday. I'll add the comma, that's definitely an improvement. Thanks, Marianne

[Brownlie]

Here’s one from my misspent 20’s that I’ve tried to patch up... apologies in advance for its religiousness– can anyone tell me if I’ve scanned it correctly. Still new to scansion, so this is a practice piece for me. Comments on the poem itself also welcome.


Satan’s Book

Well Jesus writes the Book Of Life, my name is writ therein,
but Satan has another book that details all my sins.
He makes it from the pages that my savior casts away
(for He edits my biography each and ev’ry day-
He blots out my transgressions and does not recall my sins)
but Satan gets the pages that were destined for the bin
and with them he accuses me before the Throne Of Grace;
so I confess, repent, and then to get him off my case
imagine that I take his book and cast it in the sea
and Satan frowns, but I care not – For Jesus smiles at me.





Satan’s Book

well JE/sus WRITES/ the BOOK/ of LIFE,/ my NAME/ is WRIT/ thereIN,
7 IAMBS
but SA/tan HAS/ aNOTH/er BOOK/ that DE/tails ALL/ my SINS.
7 IAMBS--- I think detail varies depending on where you're from
he MAKES/ it FROM/ the PAGE/s THAT/ my SAV/ior CASTS/ aWAY
7 IAMBS
(for he ED/its MY/ biO/graphy EACH/ and EV’/ry DAY-
Anapaest/iamb/iamb/anapaest/iamb/iamb
He BLOTS/ OUT my trans/GRESSions /and does NOT/ reCALL/ my SINS)
Iamb/dactyl/trochee/anapaest/iamb/iamb
but SA/tan GETS/the PAGE/s that WERE/ DESTined/ for the BIN
Iamb/iamb/iamb/anapaest/trochee/anapest -- I think I stress for when I read this, it seems you would have to read it pretty fast to not stress for.
and WITH/ them he AC/cuses ME/ beFORE/ the THRONE/ of GRACE;
Iamb/anapaest/anapest/iamb/iamb/iamb,-- I think accuses has three syllables
so I/ conFESS,/ rePENT,/ and THEN/ to GET/ him OFF/ my CASE
7 IAMBS
iMAG/ine THAT/ i TAKE/ his BOOK/ and CAST/ it IN/ the SEA
7 IAMBS
and SA/tan FROWNS,/ but I/ care not – FOR/ JEsus/ SMILES at me.
Iamb/iamb/iamb/anapaest/trochee/dactyl

Alright I've got to go, tried my best here.

[Mopkins]

Hi Brownlie, thanks for looking at it. Details I've heards as DEtails and deTAILS but i say DEtails, which is why I've scanned it that way. I think Americans might say deTAILS. After reading it out again, i also find myself stressing 'for' so I'll change my scan of that line. I did take into account accuses three syllables, they're spread between two anapests (i think) Thanks for your speedy response, Marianne

[UnclePedro]

Hi Mopkins

I'm not a big fan of this type of rhyme scheme, nonetheless it's well-written so it gets by that radar for me. It seems to me that you would know a lot more about 'scansion' than me, so I won't get much into that. All I know is that the rhythm sounds right to me.
Edits:
1) I don't like the first word 'Well' since it seems to me that it's really just a filler word to get the right beat for that line. I'm not too sure what would make a good replacement or change, but if you could finagle some sort of sensible change that would be good
2) I would rearrange the parentheses like so:

Original
(for He edits my biography each and ev’ry day-
He blots out my transgressions and does not recall my sin)

Change
(for He edits my biography each and ev’ry day)
He blots out my transgressions and does not recall my sin

Besides that, it looks great to me. I can tell it has been polished and carefully pieced together, which I think is a good thing and appreciate. On a religious basis, I think it tells a good story and has a good wrap around at the end.

-UnclePedro

[Mopkins]

Hi UnclePedro, thanks for reading and commenting. I agree well is a poor start, optional starting words I've thought of are equally unappealing, such as Oh! My, Christ... I'll think on it longer. And thanks for the ideas re bracketed lines - I'll edit that in Thanks muchly, Marianne

[Mopkins]

Hi Serloco, thanks for reading and commenting. By flow, I can only assume you mean meter, and the line in question as I've scanned it is iambic - as is most of the poem, so I'm not sure why that one is a problem for you. If it's merely the wording in the line, I could put

'so I confess, repent, and then (to get him off my case)" although to me the brackets seem unnecessary...

Oh well, you got me thinking anyhow, cheers


Marianne

[Mopkins]

well okay then, you'll see I added the brackets anyhow - I want it to read as clearly as possible. your input was helpful, cheers