In a Minute

[George]

The last leaf falls off the evergreen tree,
Where the town’s park used to rest, now,
buried under ashes with the picnic blankets,
newborn kites, the tennis balls.

Somewhere an oak tree falls quietly,
shattering at the strength of the cement,
and in its place, a single street lamp
houses a family of moths.

The white of the moon shines dimly
against the numerous night-lit signs,
slowly tumbling down until it’s
swallowed by the buildings below.

When the sun burns for the last time,
What will be its successor?

[Jinxy]

Somewhere an oak tree falls quietly,
Crumbling at the strength of the cement, Watch the capitalization, and I think you could use a better word than "crumbling"
and in its place, a single street lamp
houses a family of moths.

The light of the moon shines dimly
against the numerous night-lit signs, redundant
slowly tumbling down until it’s
swallowed by the buildings above. This is strange. The buildings are above what? the light? how can the moonlight tumble down into the buildings if the buildings are above the moonlight? You are missing a step.

[George]

Thanks Jinxy;

Somewhere an oak tree falls quietly,
shattering at the strength of the cement,
and in its place, a single street lamp
houses a family of moths.

The white of the moon shines dimly
against the numerous night-lit signs,
slowly tumbling down until it’s
swallowed by the buildings below.

[Jinxy]

The white of the moon shines dimly
against the numerous night-lit signs,
white of the moon shining= light of the moon

It's still redundant. You are essentially saying "the white moon lights the numerous moon-lit signs". Add more detail to the picture aside from light, or go more in -depth and describe the light instead of just listing synonyms.

_________________________
slowly tumbling down until it’s
swallowed by the buildings below.

When you say "tumbling down" it's clear that whatever is going to be swallowing light, is below the moon (unless you say 'above' like in the first draft). You don't really need to say the position of the buildings. keep it succinct:

Try and put a more imagery into this poem. Look at this

a glacial sky-tumble 'til
buildings swallow it whole


glacial is a good substitute for slow, as night is cold. "a cold still night" is a cliché that comes to mind. Since you used "shattering" in the first stanza, it seems natural to me to use a word that relates to ice.

Don't be afraid to use a thesaurus. It will increase your vocabulary very quickly. More importantly, read more poetry than you write.

[George]

The white of the moon shines dimly
against the numerous night-lit signs,
white of the moon shining= light of the moon

It's still redundant. You are essentially saying "the white moon lights the numerous moon-lit signs". Add more detail to the picture aside from light, or go more in -depth and describe the light instead of just listing synonyms.

_________________________
slowly tumbling down until it’s
swallowed by the buildings below.

When you say "tumbling down" it's clear that whatever is going to be swallowing light, is below the moon (unless you say 'above' like in the first draft). You don't really need to say the position of the buildings. keep it succinct:

Try and put a more imagery into this poem. Look at this

a glacial sky-tumble 'til
buildings swallow it whole


glacial is a good substitute for slow, as night is cold. "a cold still night" is a cliché that comes to mind. Since you used "shattering" in the first stanza, it seems natural to me to use a word that relates to ice.

Don't be afraid to use a thesaurus. It will increase your vocabulary very quickly. More importantly, read more poetry than you write.

Thanks this really helped alot. Its very hard for me to find the words to describe an image I seen or something I feel internally, so I tend to stick to comfort words.

Would it be ok to describe the moon's light as a sound, a shriek that is muffled?

The shrilling shriek of the moon
muffled by the numerous night-lit signs,

[Jinxy]

Oh, i see what you're trying to do haha. That completely went over my head.

If you are talking about city lights, it would be best to use a word instead of "night-lit". Name the other light. Incandescent lights, Christmas lights, neon lights, city lights, headlights. "night-lit" makes people think of "moon-lit"

And no, if the moon doesn't make a sound I wouldn't try that.

The dim glow of the moon
muffled by Christmas lights