"Our Saturday Special: Synaptic Serpents, Enjoy"

[JakMak]

Our Saturday Special: Synaptic Serpents

what to do, when all I think about
are your lips touching mine
turn my head thought I heard you whisper,
and there's no one again
Slyly slithered in and sunk yourself
inside every synapse
coiled serpentine tight around all of
my memories, hissing
Chemical Stimulation, Ill try
to flush you out of me,
doesn’t matter what, I'll take all of it,
'til room’s spinning so fast
watch as the floor quickly rushes up,
to catch me as I fall
what a good friend, I muse, feeling ill
regurgitate my life
wallow around in my heart and lunch
everything hurts
“floor, you were fast but not fast enough,”
I said rubbing my head.
Rising and covered in the lunch I’d lost,
I laughed all the way home….


I attempted to go dactylic and iambic trimeter alternating every other line, please point out where failed to do so... in fact, tear this shizznizzles a new place to excrete it's waste, do not be merciful...

[AnywherebutHere]

Reading it the first time I think the spots I would do without are the lunch part, I feel like the way you talk about a snake is really interesting and then the ending sort of breaks off from that personification and dulls the poem a bit. I think you could do so much more with the description of her and make it more powerful. I felt like it ended short before creating a real impact. Overall good poem

[benno_422]

I also would have liked the snake personification to continue. Also, I feel like using 'serpentine' in the poem kind of takes away from all the other work that you have done to describe how snake-like it is because it so directly alludes to snakes. Choosing words that are a little more mysterious, but still give the same slithering impression, would work really well!

B