Pipe Dream
#1
Pipe Dream:

The badlands are split
along the spine of
an anchor cast

so iron centipedes
could chase their
dead frontiers -

they run faster than
their arms can grab.

-

what meekness
remains is hollowed
in the trunk

of a horn blare
bushes fainting in
the mad rush

until everything
could only grow
pretending as if

they dreamed to
be degenerate
skyscrapers.
Reply
#2
Nice rhythm. It is iambic dimeter apparently, except for these two lines:

benno_42 Wrote:bushes fainting in Trochaic trimeter

skyscrapers Trochaic monometer

Funny thing is, I was just discussing this subject... reading your poem sounds fine. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think those two meter breaks are perfectly acceptable. The random trochaic long line might throw off some reader's, but it was smooth in my accent, and since you aren't trying for a specific form here, i don't think it matters that much. The last line is a resolute ending on a single word, which I have heard can be dangerous for novice poets like us

so, as far as content goes, I see the progress of civilization lying on her back with her legs spread out for all to see and her tail tucked in. The railroad divides the once-virgin badlands; hither comes the frontiersman to leave a mark of death on the trees, on the birds, on the deer. Cowardice and discomfort compels these wild souls to strive for luxury inventions, unknowing that a day will come when their efforts under the sun will result in futility, if I may quote Solomon.

Soon, nature takes a backseat to the push of industry. No longer does a family ride a carriage at a relaxing pace through cobbled city streets, and on out of town through forests where robbers may meet justice at the gun of the father; now, we live in an age where a family of six travels so fast across the landscape that the slightest mistake will result in the minivan spiralling into a fiery crash and killing all the occupants. Now, the few troubled idiots who still try to jack cars find themselves tracked down by sophisticated computer software that can recognize their face everywhere they go, keep them from leaving the country, keep them from buying anything or changing their name, make it so that their is no frontier wild enough to hide from the authorities and eke out a living, and all that's left for the criminal is to give up or live a life of increasing aggression and theft since his identity is now taboo.

Nature is a spectacle, nothing more. If it wasn't for Wilson, do you think we'd even have national forests? Or do you think it's more likely that the Sam Houston National forest would be golf courses, tract housing, strip malls, window-barred gas stations, and all the trees the inflammable particle board that composes modern furniture? The few copses of trees left, tens of acres if even that, instead of thousands, are just hunting leases or timber leases, and most of the area is cleared for ranching.

Where Houston stands, at one point in history there was a forest with clear streams and unviolated springs. The human population has grown so staggering that what exists now brings to mind one place: Cybertron.

please pardon my misanthropyKOAH.
Your critiques are often worthy and will save you but pour encourage les autres please leave your soapbox on Speaker's Corner and stick to comments on the poem. You are not in the discussion forum. Gentle reminder. Mod
*Warning: blatant tomfoolery above this line
Reply
#3
Hey kindofahippy,

Thanks for taking the time to give me some feedback! Overall did you enjoy reading it?
If you saw any drawbacks in the poem, I'm eager to here them so I can workship it. Smile

I wrote the poem about how science and technology often imitates the natural world. But then also if the ecosystem becomes science and technology the idea of nature imitating science and the feeling of the city in response so that nature can grow and adapt.

B.
Reply
#4
benno...,

"anchor cast" I have no idea what this is. I understand the words individually and I understand what "cast anchor" means. I infer from the poem it has some meaning as an object, but that's as far as I get. Maybe it is colloquial?

"a horn blare bushes" the article "a" is singular, the object "bushes" is plural. So..I don't get how you are using that, or if it us a typo.

You also seem to change tenses a lot.

"The badlands are split" (present)

"so iron centipedes could chase" (past)

"what meekness" Not capping "what" is inconsistent with the start of the poem. Is there some sort of rationale for doing so?

I don't understand the use of hyphens at all. There is already space after the line to create a caesura.
_________________________
Is this suppose to be a sentence?

What meekness remains is hollowed in the trunk of a horn blare bushes fainting in the mad rush until everything could only grow pretending as if they dreamed to be degenerate skyscrapers.

_______________________________________________________________________________

I think the idea that you purpose for the poem is beyond the scope of something this short. You might noticed that your synopsis is nearly as long as the poem.

"I wrote the poem about how science and technology often imitates the natural world. But then also if the ecosystem becomes science and technology the idea of nature imitating science and the feeling of the city in response so that nature can grow and adapt."

Personally I see no use of meter in this, except incidentally. One can nearly always pick some meter out of anything, that does not mean it is used well or effectively.

"skyscrapers Trochaic monometer" "skyscrapers" cannot be a single foot of trochee as it has three syllables. "skyscrapers" is actually a foot of dactyl.

I like the idea that you are trying for, although I think it is too involved for a single poem to do justice. However, until you clean up the grammatical and/or typo problems, I am going to have trouble saying much about it's meaning.

Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#5
Hi Erthona,

there was only supposed to be one hyphen, my apologies. The middle hyphen was meant as a caesura.

"anchor cast" was intended to link on to the next section. Anchor cast SO iron centipedes could chase their dead frontiers.

"a horn blare bushes" I was hoping there was enough of a pause that the comma would be implied to suggest 'a horn blare, bushes fainting"

"what meekness", the not capping was deliberate. I wanted to give the impression of smallness, and I thought a start with a capital detracted from that.

In terms of the sentence:
what meekness remains is hollowed in the trunk of a horn blare. bushes fainting in the mad rush until everything could only grow pretending as if they dreamed to be degenerate skyscrapers. - I guess

I just didn't like the full stop between blare and bushes because I wanted there to be more of a connection between the two parts and hoped there would be a natural enough pause to suggest a small sort of break.
Reply
#6
Hmm, I love the message. Really makes you think. Remind me of the energy you feel in some California land. You think to yourself, how many people have made it there life long dream, just to make it here, for better or for worse. You can almost feel that energy. The exploitation, the depravity, the vanity, the yearning. Awesome piece.
Reply
#7
This is a complicated poem about nature and it's place in an artificial world.
It is an interesting poem but the imagery perhaps may be too difficult to understand.
There is a saying that poets sometimes write poems that only they and God understand and in time only God understands
Reply
#8
(05-08-2014, 09:54 PM)benno_422 Wrote:  Pipe Dream:

The badlands are split
along the spine of
an anchor cast

so iron centipedes
could chase their
dead frontiers -

they run faster than
their arms can grab.

-

what meekness
remains is hollowed
in the trunk

of a horn blare
bushes fainting in
the mad rush

until everything
could only grow
pretending as if

they dreamed to
be degenerate
skyscrapers.

I was thrown by this piece. I read "pipe dream", "badlands" (even with no caps), "iron centipede" and immediately thought keystone XL pipeline and heavy crude. I'm not sure if you're in the US, but if so, wider context matters. I think the reader gets the sense of the natural world being undermined, but with anthropomorphisation it's hard to see why or how.

I like the flow of the piece and the rythem a lot. I think it needs to be boiled way down and focused. Thanks for the read.
Reply
#9
(05-08-2014, 09:54 PM)benno_422 Wrote:  Pipe Dream:


what meekness
remains is hollowed
in the trunk

of a horn blare
bushes fainting in
the mad rush

I think this poem is good. Sounds all deep and stuff. But right here I feel like it's an awkward transition sort of? I'm a novice poet so don't take my critique to heart. But yeah, I guess I just can't understand the imagery Sad
Reply
#10
Hi SuicidalBlueJay,

That part bothers me too as well.

In terms of the imagery, I'm not sure what I can say about that. I'm not aiming to be obscure, but nor do I think it needs to be made clearer. I will definitely persevere next time to think about how accessible the imagery is.

The title could definitely use some work though. I meant pipe dream as in someone who is smoking a pipe to give the feel of that kind of ' hazy everything is connected vibe', but I could definitely change it to something clearer so people don't think first about oil or drilling.

P.s I'm glad Eugene_Moon that you got the piece. Smile

B.
Reply
#11
Hi,

I like the iron centipedes, other than that it's hard to understand where you are getting at, I mean for me, and I'm a big noob...
Didn't even know what meek means.

Looking it up I really liked the idea, but don't get what is happening afterwards, "the trunk of a horn blare".

Maybe you could just stop at "hollowed in the trunk" and then go on to a new idea.

I whish you could give more info on those degenerate skycrappers.

Hope that helps.

Regards

A.
Reply
#12
Awesome. I like the activist-feel to it.

Not sure I'm grasping the stanza, "What meekness remains is hollowed...etc.". Could you clarify?

Also, I feel like I want more. You offer some really good imagery, and I like the idea of everything turning into skyscrapers in the end. But maybe elaborate a bit, or explore some a little more, because there is a lot here but this seems to be only one small piece.
Reply
#13
In poems like this where the linebreaks and the stanza breaks serve as guidance or breath, it sometimes takes a few reads to get a hang of the poem, to figure out the logic of how those things are guiding the poem. In some poems that look like this one on the page, at least at first glance, the stanza break often stands in for a beat, a breath, or a period; each stanza its own thought. (And then, sometimes, it doesn't, like in "Poem" by William Carlos Williams). Anyway, when I first read this poem I was expected each stanza to be its own idea for some reason, rather than beats/breaths breaking up two long, continuous sentences. I think some of the confusion I had reading the poem comes from that. Other moments where I get lost might come from the condensed language.
(05-08-2014, 09:54 PM)benno_422 Wrote:  The badlands are split
along the spine of
an anchor cast At first I saw this stanza as its own, separate thought, and I was really confused by "an anchor cast" - an anchor cast where? Why? I imagine the badlands as dry, so "anchor" seemed to be a word from another atmosphere, another poem. Anyway, reading your explanation below I see that this continues as one sentence. But I'm still wondering about the anchor cast that allowed iron centipedes to chase the frontier. I imagine it's railroad, or maybe just the spikes driven in that hold the tracks to the land. I can kind of imagine railway cast across the land; is "anchor" meant to imply heaviness? of something holding something else down? I think there's a lot tied up in this description that's kind of hard to unpack, which is why I got lost here -- and I bet why others did as well.

so iron centipedes I'm imagining "iron centipedes" as 19th century trains. The image is very Wild Wild West though - sort of comical as it is intimidating.
could chase their
dead frontiers -

they run faster than
their arms can grab. again, it took me a moment to see this as the iron centipedes/trains
Overall, the first sentence/section of the poem shows me a landscape criss-crossed by railroad tracks, and gives me an impression of dryness, of damaging greed. But those are general impressions - not sure if that's what you were going for, or if I was missing something more specific in the beginning of the poem. The idea of science/tech imitating the natural world as you mention in a later post didn't come through as strongly to me when I first read the poem. I see it in "iron centipede", but that seems like a twisted vision of the natural world to me… I wonder what would happen if you stressed the idea of technology borrowing or imitating natural things? If more things, like the "anchor" of railroad tracks across the landscape, were instead described using words that connote the living or natural?

-

what meekness
remains is hollowed
in the trunk

of a horn blare I think the contrast here is interesting, meekness vs. a horn blare. But I'm also having a hard time figuring it out. What meekness remains … where? In the badlands? In some other landscape? Is "in the trunk of a horn blare" meant to imply that that the horn blare is huge as a trunk, or that hollowed out trunks become horns in the voice and orchestra of the landscape? I can imagine lots of stuff going on here, but feel like as I imagine I drift from the intention of the poem. This could be a good part of the poem to mess around with, maybe to try and clarify. I sometimes like breaking rough parts of a poem down into prose sentences if I'm having a hard time making something clear, fixing syntax, word order, or whatever, and then putting the linbreaks back in.

bushes fainting in
the mad rush Again, I wonder what mad rush … the rush for monetary gain shown to us in the first section of the poem? Or the rush of the horn blare?

until everything
could only grow
pretending as if

they dreamed to
be degenerate
skyscrapers.
the bushes/the landscape dreaming it's the city is interesting; I think "degenerate" in the last image is important, but it seems kind of mysterious to me.

I agree with previous commenters that there's more to explore here.
I hope this is helpful! I'd be happy to discuss more or look at a revision.
Reply
#14
lots of good imagery here, but it does get a bit ambiguous at times. You've already received a lot of good crits so I've not got much to add except that the "anchor's cast" thing can be fixed by not having the line split with white space. There is no crime in the way it sits now, but it did cause me to stumble, and therefore took me out of the poem for just a brief moment.

Good writing, though.

bena
Reply
#15
I quite enjoyed this. The are some technical issues to address but the Crits above have been really good. The problem of tense looks like an easy fix. I would agree with Erthona on that. Also agree that the scope of the subject gives you lots of leeway to expand if you want.

The badlands are split
along the spine of
an anchor cast

so iron centipedes
could chase their
dead frontiers -

This made me think of The Great Divide. A decent title even. if my interpretation of the poem is at all accurate. Seems as though there is a liberal/conservative theme here, where progress might not always be welcome. As for the ending, I love "degenerate skyscrapers". Great pairing of words.
Reply
#16
[quote='benno_422' pid='163850' dateline='1399553689']
Pipe Dream:

Very cool, surreal and almost musical.
However, I get the sense that you intentionally avoided using punctuation in hopes that the line breaks and intense imagery would imply it for you. While the absence of punctuation allows me to more easily imagine Christopher Walken reciting your poem, it also forces me as a reader to fill in parts that should already be there. I'm all for avoiding clutter, but in the case of this poem, you may find that your dramatic word choices come to life once aptly punctuated.
Reply
#17
(05-08-2014, 09:54 PM)benno_422 Wrote:  Pipe Dream:

The badlands are split
along the spine of
an anchor cast

so iron centipedes
could chase their
dead frontiers -

they run faster than
their arms can grab.

-

what meekness
remains is hollowed
in the trunk

of a horn blare
bushes fainting in
the mad rush

until everything
could only grow
pretending as if

they dreamed to
be degenerate
skyscrapers.

I like what you're trying to say and some of the imagery is cool.
The space between 'cast and 'so' instinctively makes me pause and it feels a little awkward till I reread it and realize it's supposed to be connect, which is fine. Then in the third to last stanza the lack of punctuation makes me read it straight through but upon rereading it I see it's not meant that way. These seem a little clumsy and inconsistent. And since this poem seems to be dealing with a progression over time it should flow more fluidly.
I apologize if I offend or anything as I'm new to critiquing.
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!