I'm loving you in borrowed time,
an opportunity I can't forsake.
And I know the loss will not be mine.
It'll teach your heart how to break.
I'm loving you in stolen years.
And when those years have gone by,
they'll leave you broken and in tears.
They will teach you what it is to cry.
I'm leaving you, you're losing me.
And there is nothing left to say.
Take me home, hold my hand.
I know I'm going, but please... stay.
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Hi Lisa, this has a very sad quality about it that on first read i did not think suited the obvious rhyme sequence you had given it but then i decided that the simplicity made for a sense of honesty and straight talking that echoed the text of the poem.
As for a title I came up with "A bye day" This is actually a hunting day expression, which I know is not the story, but it means an extra day of sport that was not scheduled.
(02-07-2014, 08:34 PM)Lisa Wrote: I'm loving you in borrowed time,
an opportunity I can't forsake. ? can't or won't
And I know the loss will not be mine. Is the and needed?
It'll teach your heart how to break. Not sure about the it'll...It makes for a bumpy read. Perhaps consider a change to... I'll or to
I'm loving you in stolen years.
And when those years have gone by, gone sounds too hard a word both in sound and the expression of meaning. passed or flown perhaps. (just my suggestions) also the repitition of years so close together is not so great
they'll leave you broken and in tears.
They will teach you what it is to cry.
I'm leaving you, you're losing me.
And there is nothing left to say.  succinctly put - no thrills but it works.
Take me home, hold my hand.
I know I'm going, but please... stay. I love the softness of these lines after the rest of the write which was slightly hardened and matter of fact. You might get some negative comments about the ellipses punctuation from some of the other poets, I am unsure about the inclusion of them here, but not enough to spoil the read or want them removed
I like this because of the simplicity of the raw subject covered and the unadorned writing style. thanks for the read AJ.
I'm loving you in borrowed time,
On borrowed time? Maybe it's not.
an opportunity I can't forsake.
And I know the loss will not be mine.
It'll teach your heart how to break.
I'm loving you in stolen years.
And when those years have gone by,
they'll leave you broken and in tears.
They will teach you what it is to cry.
The problem with this stanza is that it feels cheap. It feels cheap because it says obvious things in lines that seem more there to rhyme than to have anything to say.
I'm leaving you, you're losing me.
And there is nothing left to say.
Take me home, hold my hand.
I know I'm going, but please... stay.
This is a fine sentiment. But: And there is nothing left to say would be stronger if the middle stanza wasn't so weak. You can get away with stuff like that when you have a poem. You don't have a poem yet, but almost a poem and enough sentiment to pull one off. So far you have too much sentiment to pull one off. It's funny like that, but you can pull a poem out of just that sentiment. Just you haven't yet.
You might speak another language. So you're good so far. But English poems are English poems.
Thank you all for the advice, when I get the time to sit down and work on it, I'll take your advice to heart.
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Have you considered losing 'how' in the last line of the first stanza? I think it adds a firmness to this poem.
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(02-07-2014, 08:34 PM)Lisa Wrote: I'm loving you in borrowed time,
an opportunity I can't forsake.
And I know the loss will not be mine.
It'll teach your heart how to break.
I'm loving you in stolen years.
And when those years have gone by,
they'll leave you broken and in tears.
They will teach you what it is to cry.
I'm leaving you, you're losing me.
And there is nothing left to say.
Take me home, hold my hand.
I know I'm going, but please... stay.
I read this and I think - cancer.
Personally, I'm not thrilled with the way that it rhymes, but that's just me. However, I think it is well suited to the tender voice of the narrator. What I don't think works is the closing lines of the first 2 stanzas, whether cancer, the fates, or something else external, it almost comes across as passive aggressive. I would suggest covering those experiences/lessons in those lines from the nurturing perspective of the narrator. Overall it, I think it's effective and gets to where you want it to go.
(05-08-2014, 08:42 PM)bbcashdollar Wrote: (02-07-2014, 08:34 PM)Lisa Wrote: I'm loving you in borrowed time,
an opportunity I can't forsake.
And I know the loss will not be mine.
It'll teach your heart how to break.
I'm loving you in stolen years.
And when those years have gone by,
they'll leave you broken and in tears.
They will teach you what it is to cry.
I'm leaving you, you're losing me.
And there is nothing left to say.
Take me home, hold my hand.
I know I'm going, but please... stay.
I read this and I think - cancer.
Personally, I'm not thrilled with the way that it rhymes, but that's just me. However, I think it is well suited to the tender voice of the narrator. What I don't think works is the closing lines of the first 2 stanzas, whether cancer, the fates, or something else external, it almost comes across as passive aggressive. I would suggest covering those experiences/lessons in those lines from the nurturing perspective of the narrator. Overall it, I think it's effective and gets to where you want it to go.
Another thought, in reading the first stanza, my initial impression was guilt from the narrator, and thought it might lead into cheating, before changing direction. If cancer that sort of guilt would be a very natural response by the patient.
Again I think it works, but if you want to be really brave, circle the most obvious cliches "borrowed language so to speak" and look for a new way to say it. Not necessary, but it would be an interesting exercise. Thanks again.
To those thinking it is about cancer, why would you want it to stay if it's leaving?
My opinion is that it's exactly as it reads. It's definitely erratic - from the mind of someone who has been scorned.
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Lisa,
Drop the "and" at the start of any sentence.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(02-07-2014, 08:34 PM)Lisa Wrote: I'm loving you in borrowed time,
an opportunity I can't forsake.
And I know the loss will not be mine.
It'll teach your heart how to break.
I'm loving you in stolen years.
And when those years have gone by,
they'll leave you broken and in tears.
They will teach you what it is to cry.
I'm leaving you, you're losing me.
And there is nothing left to say.
Take me home, hold my hand.
I know I'm going, but please... stay.
Hey Lisa I'm Jason! I'm new to poetry, and so far I am finding that the ones with rhyme are my favorite type. It sounds better to me. Prettier (is that a word?). Anyways, your poem is pretty, but one thing I would mention is the last four lines confused me. Because first it talks about leaving but then you want him to stay. Maybe I am just misunderstanding though!!
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