Tracey (edit3)

[bbcashdollar]

One more small change. Hopefully if moves it from descriptive piece (albeit sans sufficient articles) to creating a small intimate moment. Thanks for everyone's suggestions.


98.6, I laugh.

your touch is
much warmer
than that.

the grace of your hand,
fresh from sunrise gardening,
tucks strawberry & blonde curls
from strong café eyes.

the cut of your tongue,
the breath from your lips.

how could I help myself

-------------
98.6, I laugh.

your touch is
much warmer
than that.

the grace of your hand,
tucks strawberry & blonde curls
from sharp amber eyes.

the cut of your tongue,
the breath from your lips.
kiss.

how could I help myself?


---------------
98.6, I laugh

your touch is
much warmer
than that

soft slender of your neck
respite in the small of your back

grace of your hand
tuck strawberry & blonde curls
from fiery keen eyes

breath from your lips
the cut of your tongue

how could I help myself



-romantic poetry is way outside my wheelhouse, thoughts suggestions appreciated.

[Erthona]

"soft slender of your neck" I'm all for terseness, but even an article couldn't save this line, "soft slender" makes no sense. Maybe

"the slender softness of your neck"

"respite in the small of your back" this sounds closer to making sense, but no it doesn't. Let's use a synonym for "respite": "rest".

"rest in the small of your back" you are lacking a subject. I rest in the small of your back. I find respite in the small of your back? If you wanted to be clever you might say, "respite lies in the small of your back"..."for me"

See, here is the problem with not punctuating. Each line is read as a sentence, but "grace of your hand" is not a sentence, or at least each grouping is read as a sentence:

"grace of your hand tuck strawberry & blonde curls from fiery keen eyes"

which of course makes even less sense. As I said, I'm all for terseness, but not at the sake of clarity. This sort of writing is like a big soap bubble. It looks like there is something there, but if you poke it, it disappears.

I think the question anyone has to ask themselves is, "what is the rationale for this? I am breaking the rules of grammar, can I support doing so?" That is to say, is this somehow better than if you wrote grammatically? I would say no. This is blurb writing. If you got a group of people together and asked, "what's your lover like", and then wrote it as a poem, this is what you would have, although I think no one would say "from fiery keen eyes".

Dale

[SuicidalBlueJay]

98.6, I laugh

your touch is
much warmer
than that

soft slender of your neck
respite in the small of your back

grace of your hand
tuck strawberry & blonde curls
from fiery keen eyes

breath from your lips
the cut of your tongue

how could I help myself



-romantic poetry is way outside my wheelhouse, thoughts suggestions appreciated.

I enjoyed the imagery and descriptiveness of your poem. It was fresh for me (cause I like doing rhyming poems).

One critique I have though is maybe make the ending more powerful? Just my opinion.

[Jinxy]

Do you mean "How can i help myself?"

You said "I laugh" not "I laughed" and also "your touch is"...

the tense reads a bit ambiguous.


The last verse could definitely be improved. Right now it's inoffensive but not eye-catching.

"How can i help myself when *insert final deep metaphor*" Fin.

[benno_422]

98.6 , I laugh

(what is 98.6?)

your touch is
much warmer
than that

soft slender of your neck
respite in the small of your back

(Given how you wrote the first two stanza's, I almost feel like this could be two seperate ones?)

grace of your hand
tuck strawberry & blonde curls
from fiery keen eyes
(Fiery keen eyes and 'cut of your tonuge' also stand out to me as perhaps needing to be further explored or changed? Is this person both soft and lively?)

breath from your lips
the cut of your tongue

The ending could also definitely be punchier.

Overall though, I feel like it's got potential.

[nb]

Hi bbcashdollar!

Hmm...

98.6, I laugh

You might want to have pity on the Fahrenheit-challenged and maybe change this to "98.6/32" or something similar. Of course, if you changed it simply to "32", you would get the Celsius Liberation Front after you.

your touch is
much warmer
than that

Did you ever think of stoking up the romantic heat here & changing "warmer" to "hotter"?

soft slender of your neck
respite in the small of your back

An SO's neck can be very attractive but the "of" here kills this line.

grace of your hand
tuck strawberry & blonde curls
from fiery keen eyes

breath from your lips
the cut of your tongue

Methinks you could add a definite article and pronoun or two here. It seems kind of awkward as it is.

how could I help myself

Changing "how could I" to "now will I" (or even simply "how I could") and maybe adding an exclamation point at the end would definitely stoke up the romantic heat and hint at what may be next.

romantic poetry is way outside my wheelhouse...

I would say you've got one leg inside.

nb

[ChristopherSea]

"soft slender of your neck" I'm all for terseness, but even an article couldn't save this line, "soft slender" makes no sense. Maybe

"the slender softness of your neck"

"respite in the small of your back" this sounds closer to making sense, but no it doesn't. Let's use a synonym for "respite": "rest".

"rest in the small of your back" you are lacking a subject. I rest in the small of your back. I find respite in the small of your back? If you wanted to be clever you might say, "respite lies in the small of your back"..."for me"

See, here is the problem with not punctuating. Each line is read as a sentence, but "grace of your hand" is not a sentence, or at least each grouping is read as a sentence:

"grace of your hand tuck strawberry & blonde curls from fiery keen eyes"

which of course makes even less sense. As I said, I'm all for terseness, but not at the sake of clarity. This sort of writing is like a big soap bubble. It looks like there is something there, but if you poke it, it disappears.

I think the question anyone has to ask themselves is, "what is the rationale for this? I am breaking the rules of grammar, can I support doing so?" That is to say, is this somehow better than if you wrote grammatically? I would say no. This is blurb writing. If you got a group of people together and asked, "what's your lover like", and then wrote it as a poem, this is what you would have, although I think no one would say "from fiery keen eyes".

Dale

bbcd, I would echo Erthona's critique and recommendations. I have become a fan of your brevity of language, but a bit more is encouraged for this particular poem. Nonetheless, having said this, I do not think romance is out of your steerage. Good luck with the edit./Chris