No Longer Dancing

[ChristopherSea]

final (or close to it)

No Longer Dancing

I will not dance the mambo on your window ledge,
nor hoof your soft-shoe next winter, bogged down by snow.
A marriage can not waltz on a stiletto's edge.

Your last volley of insults has driven a wedge
as deep as the hollow from where your voice bellows.
I will not do the mambo on your window ledge.

There’s no enduring passion left for you to dredge;
I nearly drowned before in your cruel undertow
in this marriage that waltzes the stiletto's edge.

From your black forest of guilt, this lovebird has fledged
your wretched nest, which harbors nothing but sorrow.
I won’t dance a last mambo on the window ledge

on my term's final eve. I've cleared the boxwood hedge.
Your love seat of thorns sits empty, now that you know
that I won't waltz with you on a stiletto's edge.

You’re banished from my life, this is a sober pledge.
A new vista’s rousing. Can you hear the cock crow?
I’ll never dance the mambo on your window ledge.
A marriage does not waltz on a stiletto's edge.

------------------------------------------
brownlie/ellajam edit 1&2

No Longer Dancing

I will not dance the mambo on your window ledge,
nor hoof your soft-shoe next winter, bogged down by snow.
A marriage can not waltz on a stiletto's edge.

Your last volley of insults has driven a wedge
as deep as the hollow from where your voice bellows.
I will not do the mambo on your window ledge.

There’s no enduring passion left for you to dredge;
I nearly drowned before in your cruel undertow
in this marriage that waltzes the stiletto's edge.

From your black forest of guilt, this lovebird has fledged
your wretched nest, which harbors nothing but sorrow.
I won’t dance a last mambo on the window ledge

on my term's final eve. I've cleared the boxwood hedge.
Your love seat of thorns sits empty, now that you know
that I won't waltz with you on a stiletto's edge.

You’re banished from my life, this is a sober pledge.
A new vista’s rousing. Can you hear the cock crow?
I’ll never dance the mambo on your window ledge.
A marriage does not waltz on a stiletto's edge.

---------------------------------------------------------
(My NaPM Villanelle that ellajam encouraged me to workshop)

No Longer Dancing

I won’t dance the mambo on your window ledge;
hoof a soft-shoe in quicksand, bogged down by woe.
A relationship can't waltz on a dagger's edge.

Your last volley of insults has driven a wedge
deeper than that hollow from where your voice bellows.
I will not do the mambo on your window ledge.

There’s no enduring passion left for you to dredge
up; I nearly drowned once in your cruel undertow
in a relationship waltzing the dagger’s edge.

From a forest of guilt, this lovebird has fledged
your wretched nest, which harbors nothing but sorrow.
I won’t dance a last mambo on the window ledge

on my term's final eve. I've cleared the boxwood hedge.
Your love seat of thorns sits empty, now that you know
that I will not waltz with you on a dagger’s edge.

You’re banished from my life; this is a sober pledge.
A new vista’s rousing. Can you hear the cock crow?
I’ll never dance the mambo on your window ledge.
A relationship can’t waltz on a dagger's edge.

[ChristopherSea]

I really enjoyed it, it is strong and firm, and standing up for 'yourself'. Although it uses the same rhymes I find it continues rather successfully without too much repetition.

Thanks Serloco for the read and sharing your reactions. If you want to learn more about the Villainelle poetry form, follow this link for detail instruction and practice:

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=10115

There are two lines of alternating repeat through out. I chose to vary them slightly. They way the repeats are braided into the stanza creates a waltz-like flow to my ear that fit the extended dance metaphor which I used for this disgruntled and trapped lover in a abusive relationship.

[ellajam]

Good Morning, Chris. The first thing I think you have to consider is the matter of meter. Milo's definition of a villanelle in the practice threads states that it needs a fixed meter, usually IP. A google search brings up it's history as a ballad and says while a strict meter is not required the refrains should match up and the center lines should match well. We may slug this out as a separate discussion elsewhere, but I'm going non-metered here.

I love your refrains, both such strong images which say the same thing in two distinctive ways. To my ear they go well together and I don't have the desire or skill to mess with them. I like the way you've been able to twist them a bit.

While the center lines are fairly consistent in length, I think it might help the poem to at least start them on the same accent. I think this a tweak that could be done without wrecking anything.

I've read this many times for enjoyment and need more time to offer you specific options for improvement, but props for posting it, it promises to be an interesting thread.

(My NaPM Villanelle that ellajam encouraged me to workshop)

No Longer Dancing

I won’t dance the mambo on your window ledge;
hoof a soft-shoe in quicksand, bogged down by woe.
A relationship can't waltz on a dagger's edge.

Your last volley of insults has driven a wedge
deeper than that hollow from where your voice bellows.
I will not do the mambo on your window ledge.

There’s no enduring passion left for you to dredge
up; I nearly drowned once in your cruel undertow
in a relationship waltzing the dagger’s edge.

From a forest of guilt, this lovebird has fledged
your wretched nest, which harbors nothing but sorrow.
I won’t dance a last mambo on the window ledge

on my term's final eve. I've cleared the boxwood hedge.
Your love seat of thorns sits empty, now that you know
that I will not waltz with you on a dagger’s edge.

You’re banished from my life; this is a sober pledge.
A new vista’s rousing. Can you hear the cock crow?
I’ll never dance the mambo on your window ledge.
A relationship can’t waltz on a dagger's edge.

[ChristopherSea]

[quote='ellajam' pid='165302' dateline='1400676535']
Good Morning, Chris. The first thing I think you have to consider is the matter of meter. Milo's definition of a villanelle in the practice threads states that it needs a fixed meter, usually IP. A google search brings up it's history as a ballad and says while a strict meter is not required the refrains should match up and the center lines should match well. We may slug this out as a separate discussion elsewhere, but I'm going non-metered here.

I love your refrains, both such strong images which say the same thing in two distinctive ways. To my ear they go well together and I don't have the desire or skill to mess with them. I like the way you've been able to twist them a bit.

While the center lines are fairly consistent in length, I think it might help the poem to at least start them on the same accent. I think this a tweak that could be done without wrecking anything.

I've read this many times for enjoyment and need more time to offer you specific options for improvement, but props for posting it, it promises to be an interesting thread.

Thanks Marcella. I will always go with the no meter option. I don't have the ear for it. In fact, its so tin riveted that many perfectly IP poems can sound off to me. I think this is why I am not musical as well.

I am not sure what you mean by starting the center lines on the same accent. I did try to use some enjambment and not have every phrase terminate on its own line or stanza for the matter. Only the rhymes align. Do you want me to eliminate that? For example end on 'dredge' and delete 'up' instead of carrying it to the next line. I was trying to eliminate that end-chop that most rhyming poems have.

[ellajam]

[quote='ellajam' pid='165302' dateline='1400676535']
Good Morning, Chris. The first thing I think you have to consider is the matter of meter. Milo's definition of a villanelle in the practice threads states that it needs a fixed meter, usually IP. A google search brings up it's history as a ballad and says while a strict meter is not required the refrains should match up and the center lines should match well. We may slug this out as a separate discussion elsewhere, but I'm going non-metered here.

I love your refrains, both such strong images which say the same thing in two distinctive ways. To my ear they go well together and I don't have the desire or skill to mess with them. I like the way you've been able to twist them a bit.

While the center lines are fairly consistent in length, I think it might help the poem to at least start them on the same accent. I think this a tweak that could be done without wrecking anything.

I've read this many times for enjoyment and need more time to offer you specific options for improvement, but props for posting it, it promises to be an interesting thread.

Thanks Marcella. I will always go with the no meter option. I don't have the ear for it. In fact, its so tin riveted that many perfectly IP poems can sound off to me. I think this is why I am not musical as well.

I am not sure what you mean by starting the center lines on the same accent. I did try to use some enjambment and not have every phrase terminate on its own line or stanza for the matter. Only the rhymes align. Do you want to my to eliminate that? For example end on 'dredge' and delete 'up' instead of carrying it to the next line. I was trying to eliminate that end-chop that most rhyming post have.

Lines 2 and 5 started on a stressed syllable, while after that the middle lines start on an unstressed syllable. That's what I meant. (I didn't know milo's eyes made that sound when he rolls them.)

[ChristopherSea]

[quote='ellajam' pid='165302' dateline='1400676535']
Good Morning, Chris. The first thing I think you have to consider is the matter of meter. Milo's definition of a villanelle in the practice threads states that it needs a fixed meter, usually IP. A google search brings up it's history as a ballad and says while a strict meter is not required the refrains should match up and the center lines should match well. We may slug this out as a separate discussion elsewhere, but I'm going non-metered here.

I love your refrains, both such strong images which say the same thing in two distinctive ways. To my ear they go well together and I don't have the desire or skill to mess with them. I like the way you've been able to twist them a bit.

While the center lines are fairly consistent in length, I think it might help the poem to at least start them on the same accent. I think this a tweak that could be done without wrecking anything.

I've read this many times for enjoyment and need more time to offer you specific options for improvement, but props for posting it, it promises to be an interesting thread.

Thanks Marcella. I will always go with the no meter option. I don't have the ear for it. In fact, its so tin riveted that many perfectly IP poems can sound off to me. I think this is why I am not musical as well.

I am not sure what you mean by starting the center lines on the same accent. I did try to use some enjambment and not have every phrase terminate on its own line or stanza for the matter. Only the rhymes align. Do you want me to eliminate that? For example end on 'dredge' and delete 'up' instead of carrying it to the next line. I was trying to eliminate that end-chop that most rhyming poems have.

Lines 2 and 5 started on a stressed syllable, while after that the middle lines start on an unstressed syllable. That's what I meant. (I didn't know milo's eyes made that sound when he rolls them.)

OK, thank you. I don't think that I would see that stress difference on my own or know how to fix it. Nonetheless, I will take a look where you point this out.

[Brownlie]

(My NaPM Villanelle that ellajam encouraged me to workshop)
Well, I applaud you for the villanelle I tried several of these and they're not so easy to pull off! The dancing reminds me of that poem "My Papa's Waltz."


No Longer Dancing

I won’t dance the mambo on your window ledge;
hoof a soft-shoe in quicksand, bogged down by woe. -- I think you may want to tinker with these statements that explicitly link your poem to highly abstracted emotions.
A relationship can't waltz on a dagger's edge. - You may want to play with this refrain. the word "relationship" may be bogging it down and the daggers edge idea may be somewhat clichéd, although its not so bad. To alter a refrain here would be considerable effort.

Your last volley of insults has driven a wedge- Maybe include the details of these insults.
deeper than that hollow from where your voice bellows. -- This is an interesting line.
I will not do the mambo on your window ledge. -- This is the more powerful refrain in my opinion. I do like the alternating dancing styles, though I know nothing about the rhythm of these dances.

There’s no enduring passion left for you to dredge
up; I nearly drowned once in your cruel undertow -- Connecting dredge and undertow is pretty cool, but I would probably see what others have to say about it as well.
in a relationship waltzing the dagger’s edge. -- Well, you alternate the refrain a bit but you are varying its use which is a good thing. If you could vary it without altering the line that would be all the more impressive, but I suppose that is sort of a petty concern.

From a forest of guilt, this lovebird has fledged
your wretched nest, which harbors nothing but sorrow. -- The abstractions of guilt and sorrow seem to be holding the poem back. If the reader can infer the abuse or the dysfunction I think it would be more powerful.
I won’t dance a last mambo on the window ledge

on my term's final eve. I've cleared the boxwood hedge.
Your love seat of thorns sits empty, now that you know
that I will not waltz with you on a dagger’s edge.

You’re banished from my life; this is a sober pledge. -- Maybe make this line flow more smoothly the interruption in the middle with the semicolon seems to disrupt the rhythm. Which you may want or not.
A new vista’s rousing. Can you hear the cock crow? -- Cock crow reads as a spondee to me.
I’ll never dance the mambo on your window ledge.
A relationship can’t waltz on a dagger's edge. -- The connecting of the refrains can be the most powerful part of a villanelle and this is not bad.

Not a bad attempt here though its been awhile since I've studied this form. Hopefully there's something in my comments that can help you. I would hate to ruin your poem!

[ChristopherSea]

(My NaPM Villanelle that ellajam encouraged me to workshop)
Well, I applaud you for the villanelle I tried several of these and they're not so easy to pull off! The dancing reminds me of that poem "My Papa's Waltz."


No Longer Dancing

I won’t dance the mambo on your window ledge;
hoof a soft-shoe in quicksand, bogged down by woe. -- I think you may want to tinker with these statements that explicitly link your poem to highly abstracted emotions.
A relationship can't waltz on a dagger's edge. - You may want to play with this refrain. the word "relationship" may be bogging it down and the daggers edge idea may be somewhat clichéd, although its not so bad. To alter a refrain here would be considerable effort.

Your last volley of insults has driven a wedge- Maybe include the details of these insults.
deeper than that hollow from where your voice bellows. -- This is an interesting line.
I will not do the mambo on your window ledge. -- This is the more powerful refrain in my opinion. I do like the alternating dancing styles, though I know nothing about the rhythm of these dances.

There’s no enduring passion left for you to dredge
up; I nearly drowned once in your cruel undertow -- Connecting dredge and undertow is pretty cool, but I would probably see what others have to say about it as well.
in a relationship waltzing the dagger’s edge. -- Well, you alternate the refrain a bit but you are varying its use which is a good thing. If you could vary it without altering the line that would be all the more impressive, but I suppose that is sort of a petty concern.

From a forest of guilt, this lovebird has fledged
your wretched nest, which harbors nothing but sorrow. -- The abstractions of guilt and sorrow seem to be holding the poem back. If the reader can infer the abuse or the dysfunction I think it would be more powerful.
I won’t dance a last mambo on the window ledge

on my term's final eve. I've cleared the boxwood hedge.
Your love seat of thorns sits empty, now that you know
that I will not waltz with you on a dagger’s edge.

You’re banished from my life; this is a sober pledge. -- Maybe make this line flow more smoothly the interruption in the middle with the semicolon seems to disrupt the rhythm. Which you may want or not.
A new vista’s rousing. Can you hear the cock crow? -- Cock crow reads as a spondee to me.
I’ll never dance the mambo on your window ledge.
A relationship can’t waltz on a dagger's edge. -- The connecting of the refrains can be the most powerful part of a villanelle and this is not bad.

Not a bad attempt here though its been awhile since I've studied this form. Hopefully there's something in my comments that can help you. I would hate to ruin your poem!

Brownlie, Much obliged for your close read and detailed critique. I believe that I could convert that 'relationship' to 'marriage' and 'dagger' to 'stiletto' easily. I strove to vary the repeats for both meaning and reduction of monotony (perhaps it did not work). Some of those explanations that you request will be very difficult in the confines of the villanelle form. However, I will see if anything strikes me. I know what you mean about abstraction, but those chosen are not obscure ones, especially in the context a relationship gone foul and their use being drafted within the context of metaphors. Additionally, and even more problematic is that two them are in the forms of strict rhyme. Nonetheless, I can look at them. I will also try a comma in place of that semicolon. Thanks for your time and the help. /Chris

[Brownlie]

brownlie/ellajam edit 1

No Longer Dancing

I won’t dance the mambo on your window ledge;
hoof your soft-shoe all winter, bogged down by snow. --Well I like this change quite a bit
A marriage can not waltz on a stiletto's edge. -- This one adds an extra syllable to the line, and I still think there may be a better refrain out there but I would hate to be too taxing on your patience.

Your last volley of insults has driven a wedge
as deep as that hollow from where your voice bellows.
I will not do the mambo on your window ledge.

There’s no enduring passion left for you to dredge;
I nearly drowned before in your cruel undertow
in this marriage that waltzes the stiletto's edge.

From a forest of guilt, this lovebird has fledged
your wretched nest, which harbors nothing but sorrow.
I won’t dance a last mambo on the window ledge

on my term's final eve. I've cleared the boxwood hedge.
Your love seat of thorns sits empty, now that you know
that I will not waltz with you on a stiletto's edge.

You’re banished from my life, this is a sober pledge.
A new vista’s rousing. Can you hear the cock crow?
I’ll never dance the mambo on your window ledge.
A marriage does not waltz on a stiletto's edge.

---------------------------------------------------------
(My NaPM Villanelle that ellajam encouraged me to workshop)

No Longer Dancing

I won’t dance the mambo on your window ledge;
hoof a soft-shoe in quicksand, bogged down by woe.
A relationship can't waltz on a dagger's edge.

Your last volley of insults has driven a wedge
deeper than that hollow from where your voice bellows.
I will not do the mambo on your window ledge.

There’s no enduring passion left for you to dredge
up; I nearly drowned once in your cruel undertow
in a relationship waltzing the dagger’s edge.

From a forest of guilt, this lovebird has fledged
your wretched nest, which harbors nothing but sorrow.
I won’t dance a last mambo on the window ledge

on my term's final eve. I've cleared the boxwood hedge.
Your love seat of thorns sits empty, now that you know
that I will not waltz with you on a dagger’s edge.

You’re banished from my life; this is a sober pledge.
A new vista’s rousing. Can you hear the cock crow?
I’ll never dance the mambo on your window ledge.
A relationship can’t waltz on a dagger's edge.

Happy editing if you choose to go that route.

[ChristopherSea]

[quote='Brownlie' pid='165425' dateline='1400737437']
[quote='ChristopherSea' pid='163436' dateline='1400671480']
brownlie/ellajam edit 1

No Longer Dancing

I won’t dance the mambo on your window ledge;
hoof your soft-shoe all winter, bogged down by snow. --Well I like this change quite a bit
A marriage can not waltz on a stiletto's edge. -- This one adds an extra syllable to the line, and I still think there may be a better refrain out there but I would hate to be too taxing on your patience.


Brownlie, Yes, that refrain change brings the syllable to 12, but there are 11 and 12's throughout. However, I could even that out to one or the other. Let me see what I can do*.

*It's done all lines are 12 syllables now. Cheers/Chris

[Tiger the Lion]

Hi Chris. I love the rhythm of this and as a Newb wouldn't presume to mess with what you have. I could offer a word choice for your consideration. I am stuck on Brownlie's comment...
"A relationship can't waltz on a dagger's edge. - You may want to play with this refrain. the word "relationship" may be bogging it down"

- The word relationship only seems uncomfortable to me that first time it appears. I wonder if you could apply the word "partner" or even "partnership" in some form, as I think it nicely alludes to both marriage partner and dance partner and might tie them together nicely. I'm new to Villanelle, but a " pensive partner" or "prudent partner" might not destroy your rhythm. Wonderful read. Thanks.

[ChristopherSea]

Hi Chris. I love the rhythm of this and as a Newb wouldn't presume to mess with what you have. I could offer a word choice for your consideration. I am stuck on Brownlie's comment...
"A relationship can't waltz on a dagger's edge. - You may want to play with this refrain. the word "relationship" may be bogging it down"

- The word relationship only seems uncomfortable to me that first time it appears. I wonder if you could apply the word "partner" or even "partnership" in some form, as I think it nicely alludes to both marriage partner and dance partner and might tie them together nicely. I'm new to Villanelle, but a " pensive partner" or "prudent partner" might not destroy your rhythm. Wonderful read. Thanks.

Thank you for the read and recommendation TigertheLion. I dropped relationship for marriage. I see what you mean about partner though , as it is certainly more apropos to the dancing metaphor. I think my only problem with the term is the 'gay' connotation (not that there is anything wrong with that). Nonetheless, I will certainly give it some consideration. Cheers/Chris

[Tiger the Lion]

You're right. The connotation is too distracting.

[Brownlie]

final (or close to it)

No Longer Dancing

Didn't see your edit here, sorry about that. I'm going to let the robot read this one: https://www.yakitome.com/tts?a=T&b=874753&c=ZM8Dz6nze&d=T

The poem definitely seemed to have it's moments, but I think your refrain may be hindering you. I don't mean to be pushy here.

I will not dance the mambo on your window ledge,
nor hoof your soft-shoe next winter, bogged down by snow.
A marriage can not waltz on a stiletto's edge.

Your last volley of insults has driven a wedge -- I would think about include some of the specific insults.
as deep as the hollow from where your voice bellows.
I will not do the mambo on your window ledge.

There’s no enduring passion left for you to dredge;
I nearly drowned before in your cruel undertow
in this marriage that waltzes the stiletto's edge.

From your black forest of guilt, this lovebird has fledged
your wretched nest, which harbors nothing but sorrow.
I won’t dance a last mambo on the window ledge

on my term's final eve. I've cleared the boxwood hedge.
Your love seat of thorns sits empty, now that you know -- Ouch!
that I won't waltz with you on a stiletto's edge.

You’re banished from my life, this is a sober pledge.
A new vista’s rousing. Can you hear the cock crow? -- This question worked very well in the reading.
I’ll never dance the mambo on your window ledge.
A marriage does not waltz on a stiletto's edge. -- The refrain isn't bad, but it still reads a bit clunky at the end.

------------------------------------------
brownlie/ellajam edit 1&2

No Longer Dancing

I will not dance the mambo on your window ledge,
nor hoof your soft-shoe next winter, bogged down by snow.
A marriage can not waltz on a stiletto's edge.

Your last volley of insults has driven a wedge
as deep as the hollow from where your voice bellows.
I will not do the mambo on your window ledge.

There’s no enduring passion left for you to dredge;
I nearly drowned before in your cruel undertow
in this marriage that waltzes the stiletto's edge.

From your black forest of guilt, this lovebird has fledged
your wretched nest, which harbors nothing but sorrow.
I won’t dance a last mambo on the window ledge

on my term's final eve. I've cleared the boxwood hedge.
Your love seat of thorns sits empty, now that you know
that I won't waltz with you on a stiletto's edge.

You’re banished from my life, this is a sober pledge.
A new vista’s rousing. Can you hear the cock crow?
I’ll never dance the mambo on your window ledge.
A marriage does not waltz on a stiletto's edge.

---------------------------------------------------------
(My NaPM Villanelle that ellajam encouraged me to workshop)

No Longer Dancing

I won’t dance the mambo on your window ledge;
hoof a soft-shoe in quicksand, bogged down by woe.
A relationship can't waltz on a dagger's edge.

Your last volley of insults has driven a wedge
deeper than that hollow from where your voice bellows.
I will not do the mambo on your window ledge.

There’s no enduring passion left for you to dredge
up; I nearly drowned once in your cruel undertow
in a relationship waltzing the dagger’s edge.

From a forest of guilt, this lovebird has fledged
your wretched nest, which harbors nothing but sorrow.
I won’t dance a last mambo on the window ledge

on my term's final eve. I've cleared the boxwood hedge.
Your love seat of thorns sits empty, now that you know
that I will not waltz with you on a dagger’s edge.

You’re banished from my life; this is a sober pledge.
A new vista’s rousing. Can you hear the cock crow?
I’ll never dance the mambo on your window ledge.
A relationship can’t waltz on a dagger's edge.

The most pressing matter is the refrain, and lining them up at the end. The question about the cock crow worked beautifully though. Thanks for editing.

[LorettaYoung]

Good Morning, Chris. The first thing I think you have to consider is the matter of meter. Milo's definition of a villanelle in the practice threads states that it needs a fixed meter, usually IP. A google search brings up it's history as a ballad and says while a strict meter is not required the refrains should match up and the center lines should match well. We may slug this out as a separate discussion elsewhere, but I'm going non-metered here.

I love your refrains, both such strong images which say the same thing in two distinctive ways. To my ear they go well together and I don't have the desire or skill to mess with them. I like the way you've been able to twist them a bit.

While the center lines are fairly consistent in length, I think it might help the poem to at least start them on the same accent. I think this a tweak that could be done without wrecking anything.

I've read this many times for enjoyment and need more time to offer you specific options for improvement, but props for posting it, it promises to be an interesting thread.

(My NaPM Villanelle that ellajam encouraged me to workshop)

No Longer Dancing

I won’t dance the mambo on your window ledge;
hoof a soft-shoe in quicksand, bogged down by woe.
A relationship can't waltz on a dagger's edge.

Your last volley of insults has driven a wedge
deeper than that hollow from where your voice bellows.
I will not do the mambo on your window ledge.

There’s no enduring passion left for you to dredge
up; I nearly drowned once in your cruel undertow
in a relationship waltzing the dagger’s edge.

From a forest of guilt, this lovebird has fledged
your wretched nest, which harbors nothing but sorrow.
I won’t dance a last mambo on the window ledge

on my term's final eve. I've cleared the boxwood hedge.
Your love seat of thorns sits empty, now that you know
that I will not waltz with you on a dagger’s edge.

You’re banished from my life; this is a sober pledge.
A new vista’s rousing. Can you hear the cock crow?
I’ll never dance the mambo on your window ledge.
A relationship can’t waltz on a dagger's edge.

---

Hi Chris, Marcella: I think this vilanelle form very lyrical; I applaud your attempt Chis which is certainly pleasing to the ear. And the refrains are powerful and entertaining. I wanted to ask what ellajam meant by the
stessors on the middle line? Best Lorett

[Reesedog914]

This poem was good because it passed meaning that the reader could understand! 'A marriage can not waltz on a stiletto's edge.' A brilliant metaphor that I took to mean that two people need to be in a loving rhythm and not a series of tumultuous events. The only part I don't get is "On my terms final eve" -- ??
Good work.

[ellajam]

Good Morning, Chris. The first thing I think you have to consider is the matter of meter. Milo's definition of a villanelle in the practice threads states that it needs a fixed meter, usually IP. A google search brings up it's history as a ballad and says while a strict meter is not required the refrains should match up and the center lines should match well. We may slug this out as a separate discussion elsewhere, but I'm going non-metered here.

I love your refrains, both such strong images which say the same thing in two distinctive ways. To my ear they go well together and I don't have the desire or skill to mess with them. I like the way you've been able to twist them a bit.

While the center lines are fairly consistent in length, I think it might help the poem to at least start them on the same accent. I think this a tweak that could be done without wrecking anything.

I've read this many times for enjoyment and need more time to offer you specific options for improvement, but props for posting it, it promises to be an interesting thread.

(My NaPM Villanelle that ellajam encouraged me to workshop)

No Longer Dancing

I won’t dance the mambo on your window ledge;
hoof a soft-shoe in quicksand, bogged down by woe.
A relationship can't waltz on a dagger's edge.

Your last volley of insults has driven a wedge
deeper than that hollow from where your voice bellows.
I will not do the mambo on your window ledge.

There’s no enduring passion left for you to dredge
up; I nearly drowned once in your cruel undertow
in a relationship waltzing the dagger’s edge.

From a forest of guilt, this lovebird has fledged
your wretched nest, which harbors nothing but sorrow.
I won’t dance a last mambo on the window ledge

on my term's final eve. I've cleared the boxwood hedge.
Your love seat of thorns sits empty, now that you know
that I will not waltz with you on a dagger’s edge.

You’re banished from my life; this is a sober pledge.
A new vista’s rousing. Can you hear the cock crow?
I’ll never dance the mambo on your window ledge.
A relationship can’t waltz on a dagger's edge.

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Hi Chris, Marcella: I think this vilanelle form very lyrical; I applaud your attempt Chis which is certainly pleasing to the ear. And the refrains are powerful and entertaining. I wanted to ask what ellajam meant by the
stessors on the middle line? Best Lorett

When you read the original and the final you can hear the finesse with which Chris edited this.

What I was talking about was that if you look at each center line, in the original some started DA dum, some da DUM. In the final they all start on da DUM. It's a subtle change in a piece that doesn't adhere to a fixed meter, but to me makes a difference.

Great job, Chris.

[ChristopherSea]

Lorretta, The Villanelle is one of may favorite lyrical forms. You should try one. Thanks again Ella for your help with this./Chris