Young Folks in Love

[71degrees]

(inspired by "Under the Porch Light")


There they are walking on paths,
taking up space on already crowded
sidewalks, oblivious, they entertain
even love doves in the park

They come in pairs, intertwining
like ivy, like braided hair strands,
becoming love couples in spring

They are at once congruent,
a subject-and-verb in agreement,
a salt-and-pepper blend of hands,
arms, shoulders, and rubbing thighs

Isn’t it a pity
Isn’t it a shame
there isn’t a person alive
who will tell them
how they will one day break
each other’s heart

over breakfast:
two cups of black coffee,
two poached eggs,
and all those sharp words
to come, broken in halves

[Erthona]

71D

Outside of some odd line breaks, such as breaking "crowded | sidewalks", I didn't have many problems with this. I could feel the end coming halfway through, but then again I'm a cynic. I might consider doing away with "at once" in S3 L1. Maybe if anything use "instantly". Maybe a period after "halves". Sort of an odd word to end on, but not really a problem for me.

Best,

Dale

[71degrees]

71D

Outside of some odd line breaks, such as breaking "crowded | sidewalks", I didn't have many problems with this. I could feel the end coming halfway through, but then again I'm a cynic. I might consider doing away with "at once" in S3 L1. Maybe if anything use "instantly". Maybe a period after "halves". Sort of an odd word to end on, but not really a problem for me.

Best,

Dale

"...then again I'm a cynic..." Aren't we all? Thanks, glad there weren't many problems for you.

[Caleb Murdock]

There they are walking on paths,
taking up space on already crowded
sidewalks; oblivious, they entertain
even love doves in the park.

They come in pairs, intertwining
like ivy, like braided hair strands, (I like these images.)
becoming love couples in spring. (Not sure I get this. What's a "love couple"?)

They are at once congruent,
a subject-and-verb in agreement, (I like this image and the one in the next line.)
a salt-and-pepper blend of hands,
arms, shoulders, and rubbing thighs. (Not sure the list of body parts adds anything to the poem.)

Isn’t it a pity;
Isn’t it a shame;
there isn’t a person alive
who will tell them
how they will one day break
each other’s heart (hearts?)

over breakfast:
two cups of black coffee,
two poached eggs,
and all those sharp words
to come, broken in halves. (What exactly is broken in halves here, the words?)

I think it's a cute poem, and I'm honored to have inspired it (my paean to old love has now inspired two poems!).

It's hard for me to say how I would have written this differently. I think the poem needs clearer punctuation. I think the final stanza could be stronger, but I'm not sure how. I've inserted punctuation above, and also made some comments.

Regarding the salt-and-pepper image: Salt and pepper go together, so that makes sense in the poem. However, salt and pepper are also opposites, and young lovers are often carbon copies of each other (except for gender in most cases). Salt and pepper also imply age (as in salt-and-pepper hair). Instead of salt and pepper, perhaps you could find two foods that always go together but are not opposites.

[71degrees]

There they are walking on paths,
taking up space on already crowded
sidewalks; oblivious, they entertain
even love doves in the park.

They come in pairs, intertwining
like ivy, like braided hair strands, (I like these images.)
becoming love couples in spring. (Not sure I get this. What's a "love couple"?)

They are at once congruent,
a subject-and-verb in agreement, (I like this image and the one in the next line.)
a salt-and-pepper blend of hands,
arms, shoulders, and rubbing thighs. (Not sure the list of body parts adds anything to the poem.)

Isn’t it a pity;
Isn’t it a shame;
there isn’t a person alive
who will tell them
how they will one day break
each other’s heart (hearts?)

over breakfast:
two cups of black coffee,
two poached eggs,
and all those sharp words
to come, broken in halves. (What exactly is broken in halves here, the words?)

I think it's a cute poem, and I'm honored to have inspired it (my paean to old love has now inspired two poems!).

It's hard for me to say how I would have written this differently. I think the poem needs clearer punctuation. I think the final stanza could be stronger, but I'm not sure how. I've inserted punctuation above, and also made some comments.

Regarding the salt-and-pepper image: Salt and pepper go together, so that makes sense in the poem. However, salt and pepper are also opposites, and young lovers are often carbon copies of each other (except for gender in most cases). Salt and pepper also imply age (as in salt-and-pepper hair). Instead of salt and pepper, perhaps you could find two foods that always go together but are not opposites.

Thanks, Caleb. Obviously, the ending doesn't work. They are not together, at least emotionally. The whole point is…they are opposites. But like over 50% of all marriages, they just don't realize it. But they will. Maybe over breakfast.

[Brownlie]

(inspired by "Under the Porch Light")


There they are walking on paths,
taking up space on already crowded
sidewalks, oblivious, they entertain
even love doves in the park

They come in pairs, intertwining
like ivy, like braided hair strands,
becoming love couples in spring

They are at once congruent,
a subject-and-verb in agreement,
a salt-and-pepper blend of hands,
arms, shoulders, and rubbing thighs

Isn’t it a pity
Isn’t it a shame
there isn’t a person alive
who will tell them
how they will one day break
each other’s heart

over breakfast:
two cups of black coffee,
two poached eggs,
and all those sharp words
to come, broken in halves

I took the speaker to be a bit brooding and detached which I like. My only critique after a quick read is that you seem to have multiple metaphors that convey the same thing.

[ellajam]

Hi, 71, I enjoyed the shift in this, the sunny warmth to icy cold.

(inspired by "Under the Porch Light")


There they are walking on paths,
taking up space on already crowded
sidewalks, oblivious, they entertain
even love doves in the park

They come in pairs, intertwining
like ivy, like braided hair strands, beautiful description
becoming love couples in spring

They are at once congruent, The "at once" leaves me waiting for the incongruent.
a subject-and-verb in agreement,
a salt-and-pepper blend of hands,
arms, shoulders, and rubbing thighs

Isn’t it a pity
Isn’t it a shame How we break each other's hearts, George Harrison, saddest song.
there isn’t a person alive
who will tell them
how they will one day break
each other’s heart

over breakfast:
two cups of black coffee,
two poached eggs,
and all those sharp words
to come, broken in halves

I like the end, simply two grown together and apart.

Thanks for the read, well done.

[LorettaYoung]

(inspired by "Under the Porch Light")


There they are walking on paths,
taking up space on already crowded
sidewalks, oblivious, they entertain
even love doves in the park

They come in pairs, intertwining
like ivy, like braided hair strands,
becoming love couples in spring

They are at once congruent,
a subject-and-verb in agreement,
a salt-and-pepper blend of hands,
arms, shoulders, and rubbing thighs

Isn’t it a pity
Isn’t it a shame
there isn’t a person alive
who will tell them
how they will one day break
each other’s heart

over breakfast:
two cups of black coffee,
two poached eggs,
and all those sharp words
to come, broken in halves

---

Hi, this is my first time and I am a student: I liked the poem very much; I do think the end a bit one-sided. I'm not sure what is meant by using many metaphors for the same idea; it seems like a good idea to me. Guess I have a lot to learn. Loretta

[71degrees]

(inspired by "Under the Porch Light")


There they are walking on paths,
taking up space on already crowded
sidewalks, oblivious, they entertain
even love doves in the park

They come in pairs, intertwining
like ivy, like braided hair strands,
becoming love couples in spring

They are at once congruent,
a subject-and-verb in agreement,
a salt-and-pepper blend of hands,
arms, shoulders, and rubbing thighs

Isn’t it a pity
Isn’t it a shame
there isn’t a person alive
who will tell them
how they will one day break
each other’s heart

over breakfast:
two cups of black coffee,
two poached eggs,
and all those sharp words
to come, broken in halves

I took the speaker to be a bit brooding and detached which I like. My only critique after a quick read is that you seem to have multiple metaphors that convey the same thing.

You are correct on all counts. Thanks for the read.

---

Hi, 71, I enjoyed the shift in this, the sunny warmth to icy cold.

(inspired by "Under the Porch Light")


There they are walking on paths,
taking up space on already crowded
sidewalks, oblivious, they entertain
even love doves in the park

They come in pairs, intertwining
like ivy, like braided hair strands, beautiful description
becoming love couples in spring

They are at once congruent, The "at once" leaves me waiting for the incongruent.
a subject-and-verb in agreement,
a salt-and-pepper blend of hands,
arms, shoulders, and rubbing thighs

Isn’t it a pity
Isn’t it a shame How we break each other's hearts, George Harrison, saddest song.
there isn’t a person alive
who will tell them
how they will one day break
each other’s heart

over breakfast:
two cups of black coffee,
two poached eggs,
and all those sharp words
to come, broken in halves

I like the end, simply two grown together and apart.

Thanks for the read, well done.

George was the loneliest Beatle. Overwhelmed and under appreciated by the world. Thanks for picking that out. It's fun to have different perspectives on the same topic. That being said, what happened to our inspiring porch writer?

---

(inspired by "Under the Porch Light")


There they are walking on paths,
taking up space on already crowded
sidewalks, oblivious, they entertain
even love doves in the park

They come in pairs, intertwining
like ivy, like braided hair strands,
becoming love couples in spring

They are at once congruent,
a subject-and-verb in agreement,
a salt-and-pepper blend of hands,
arms, shoulders, and rubbing thighs

Isn’t it a pity
Isn’t it a shame
there isn’t a person alive
who will tell them
how they will one day break
each other’s heart

over breakfast:
two cups of black coffee,
two poached eggs,
and all those sharp words
to come, broken in halves

---

Hi, this is my first time and I am a student: I liked the poem very much; I do think the end a bit one-sided. I'm not sure what is meant by using many metaphors for the same idea; it seems like a good idea to me. Guess I have a lot to learn. Loretta

Loretta Young was one of the very cool actresses of her time. Great name. Oh, and we all have a lot to learn. Every person here.