A strange man

[kindofahippy]

I saw the strangest man today.
Though very young, his hair was gray.
Wrinkles danced all over his face
his clumsy footsteps lacked all grace.

He muttered and cursed like it was rehearsed,
his belt was tight and his speech was terse.
His awful aura filled the room
and left me with a sense of gloom.

I knew his ugliness could not be cured
and he always quivered in a state of fear,
but he spoke like he was some kind of seer.
Then I realized I was looking in a mirror.

[Mopkins]

nice one Hippy Liked 'awful aura', and 'wrinkles danced over his face' - nicely done.

here's one I wrote when I was a moody teenager... surprised I could even remember it - but yours reminded me of it.


I shouldn’t look at mirrors
'cause the faces that are there
don’t ever tell me anything ,
they just return my stare.
And I shouldn’t ask them questions
‘cause they never do reply,
all they do is mimic and
they never tell me why.
But there seems to be no other way
to get me off my mind
so I gaze at nothing in the glass
and nothing’s all I find.

[Brownlie]

I saw the strangest man today.
Though very young, his hair was gray.
Wrinkles danced all over his face
his clumsy footsteps lacked all grace.

He muttered and cursed like it was rehearsed,
his belt was tight and his speech was terse.
His awful aura filled the room
and left me with a sense of gloom.

I knew his ugliness could not be cured
and he always quivered in a state of fear,
but he spoke like he was some kind of seer.
Then I realized I was looking in a mirror.

I think you're getting better.

[ChristopherSea]

It was fun. That man's father is my father's son.

[Erthona]

Hey, I know that man, that's Christopher's father's son.


Dale

[aerickson]

I saw the strangest man today.
Though very young, his hair was gray.
Wrinkles danced all over his face - I would do that short version of "over" fits better with your meter
his clumsy footsteps lacked all grace. - lacked "in" grace - makes the line flow better

He muttered and cursed like it was rehearsed, - "as though rehearsed" - flows better and fits your meter better too
his belt was tight and his speech was terse.
His awful aura filled the room
and left me with a sense of gloom.

I knew his ugliness could not be cured - say "looks" instead of ugliness - it makes your meter work better and we already get the idea that he looks weird
and he always quivered in a state of fear,
but he spoke like he was some kind of seer.
Then I realized I was looking in a mirror.- cool ending. I love it

Nice meter, the poem flowed pretty well except for a few spots. I liked the twist in the last line. I wasn't expecting that.

[heslopian]

Strangely, the first two stanzas work much better than the third. Aside from the slightly forced rhyme of "room" and "gloom" it flowed wonderfully and contained a lot of amusing descriptions. I especially liked the internal rhyme in L1 of S2. That third stanza, however, is clunky. Maybe it's because the previously established rhyme scheme changes so abruptly, or because the rhyme of "fear" and "seer" feels forced (though, actually, that could be another symptom of the scheme change). Anyway, critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read

[Bunx]

Really liked this poem. I think it is quite funny that people tend to be their own biggest critics. Definitely got quite the chuckle! Thanks for the post!

[billy]

is it Julian assange ?