Teddy Bear Knight

[UberWilhelm]

I wrote this one for my niece. She saw that picture floating around of the child in his bed sleeping and the teddy bear fending off the monster and this came to mind. Hope you like it.

Teddy Bear Knight

The nightlight making a bubble of light
Keeping away things that bump in the night
An ethereal cloak holding you tight
To help fight off the creature’s might.

In the world of dreams monsters hunt and roam
Looking for a child’s mind to call home.
Through the child’s fears and frights they will comb.
Not realizing no kid goes it alone.

For by their side a champion will stand
Wielding a sword forged by might in their hand.
With blue glass eyes, fur the color of sand
Ancient leather armor aged so tan.

A Teddy Bear Knight to defend his home
His shield holds off the monsters mighty blow
Sending a message all monsters should know
That no kid will ever go it alone.

[cidermaid]

Hi,
I liked the idea behind your poem but rather than looking at specific lines my thoughts were drawn to the overall identity of your poem. It feels to me like this one falls between the gaps in terms of who is the target reader.

If a child then it does not have enough sing / song bounce (nursery rhyme feel) to carry it off and as a result i thought that a child's read would be stifled by all of those same rhyme endings and some of the word choices were similarly not appropriate to a childs poem (such as wielding...I don't know any children who would say this in perferance to waving his sword).
Alternativly if the target reader is adult, it is too childish and needs more complexity and depth.
My suggestion would be to my a decision about the question of who you want to address this poem to.
As I said I do like your image, but imho I think you need to address the poem at concept stage a bit.
If you choose to work further with this - pay careful attention to word repetition.

In your first line just as an example you have night and light repeated (I know they are in a compound word but the effect of the repitition is still evident).

The nightlight making a bubble of light
Keeping away things that bump in the night.

for a child's eyes this could be:-

The glow lamp puddle of light
only fights one corner of dark.
The saddow beasts of the night
roam your room like hungry sharks.


all the best AJ

[UberWilhelm]

Interesting. I didn't even think about who the actual audience was (my young niece) and then tailoring it for a child. I will have to mull that one over. Thanks

[Carlos]

I call in 'bubblegum poetry' and I love it! I like the rhyme and rhythm. I write like this allot.
It seemed to lose the rhythm for me at the last stanza and that kind of stood out. I had a good flow going but lost it at the end.
Also the lack of where I would have put comma's to make it an easier flow and an easier read, stood out for me too.

[Mwaba don]

I wrote this one for my niece. She saw that picture floating around of the child in his bed sleeping and the teddy bear fending off the monster and this came to mind. Hope you like it.

Teddy Bear Knight

The nightlight making a bubble of light
Keeping away things that bump in the night
An ethereal cloak holding you tight
To help fight off the creature’s might.

In the world of dreams monsters hunt and roam
Looking for a child’s mind to call home.
Through the child’s fears and frights they will comb.
Not realizing no kid goes it alone.

For by their side a champion will stand
Wielding a sword forged by might in their hand.
With blue glass eyes, fur the color of sand
Ancient leather armor aged so tan.

A Teddy Bear Knight to defend his home
His shield holds off the monsters mighty blow
Sending a message all monsters should know
That no kid will ever go it alone. (consider puting the word shall instead of will?)

Nice topic to write about always a special thing to write a poem for someone close.
It has a good stlye which made it intressting to read.
I like the overal mood of your poem as well.
Your Poem has nice rhyme and rythme.
The last stanza sound a little bit out rhyme compared to the other stanzas.

[spacecoaster]

I loved your poem. It is cute and has good imaginary. I like the use of the more "adult" words in a children's' poem. I think one or two is an excellent way to introduce children to the complexities of language. I would rework it a little to make it more sing song like.


Teddy Bear Knight
The nightlight making a bubble of light
Keeping away things that bump in the night Strong start
An ethereal cloak holding you tight
To help fight off the creature’s might.
In the world of dreams monsters hunt and roam dreams, monsters?
Looking for a child’s mind to call home. I love how you say this!
Through the child’s fears and frights they will comb.
Not realizing no kid goes it alone.
For by their side a champion will stand
Wielding a sword forged by might in their hand.
With blue glass eyes, fur the color of sand ? With glass eyes of blue and fur the color of sand?
Ancient leather armor aged so tan. aged, so tan
A Teddy Bear Knight to defend his home
His shield holds off the monsters mighty blow monster's or monsters' your choice
Sending a message all monsters should know
That no kid will ever go it alone. seems unnecessary

[IHaveNoUsername]

I agree that, due to the uncertainty of audience, there needs to be either a more simple language or more intricate. I think that the mix keeps the poem off balance. I replaced some of the simpler words with some that have a bit more complexity to take it in the latter direction.

Teddy Bear Knight

The nightlight making a bubble of light << "The glowing orb creates a bubble of light" To break the repetition of "light" & add to the imagery that I think is good for a strong beginning.
Keeping away things that bump in the night
An ethereal cloak holding you tight
To help fight off the creature’s might.

In the world of dreams, monsters hunt and roam
Looking for a child’s mind to call home. <<I love this, but I think it needs a few more words or different wording "Looking for a child's mind to make their own"
Through the child’s fears and frights they will comb. <<"Through their fears and frights they will comb"
Not realizing no kid goes it alone. <<"Not realizing the kid doesn't go it alone"

For by their side, a champion will stand
Wielding a sword forged by might in their hand.<<"Wielding a sword forged by might in his hand"
With blue glass eyes, fur the color of sand
Ancient leather armor aged so tan. <<I enjoy the imagery created by "ancient" and "armor" but I feel as though "aged" is redundant as we know things that are ancient are aged.

A Teddy Bear Knight to defend his home
His shield holds off the monsters mighty blow <<"His shield protects from the creature's mighty blow"
Sending a message all monsters should know <<"Sending a message to all monster foe"
That no kid will ever go it alone.

[noname]

Teddy Bear Knight

The nightlight making a bubble of light <- I'm not sure I like the word bubble here, the rest of the stanza has more serious words
Keeping away things that bump in the night
An ethereal cloak holding you tight
To help fight off the creature’s might.

In the world of dreams monsters hunt and roam <- comma after dreams?
Looking for a child’s mind to call home.
Through the child’s fears and frights they will comb.
Not realizing no kid goes it alone. <- maybe try "that no kid goes it alone"

For by their side a champion will stand
Wielding a sword forged by might in their hand.
With blue glass eyes, fur the color of sand
Ancient leather armor aged so tan. <- maybe a comma after armour (I'm Canadian so we spell this with a "u" but I'm not sure about the states!)

A Teddy Bear Knight to defend his home <- since you were speaking about kids in general before maybe you should keep it more general here (to defend their home for example)
His shield holds off the monsters mighty blow
Sending a message all monsters should know
That no kid will ever go it alone.

[paranoid marvin]

I wrote this one for my niece.  She saw that picture floating around of the child in his bed sleeping and the teddy bear fending off the monster and this came to mind.  Hope you like it.

Teddy Bear Knight

The nightlight making a bubble of light
Keeping away things that bump in the night
An ethereal cloak holding you tight
To help fight off the creature’s might.

In the world of dreams monsters hunt and roam
Looking for a child’s mind to call home.
Through the child’s fears and frights they will comb.
Not realizing no kid goes it alone.

For by their side a champion will stand
Wielding a sword forged by might in their hand.
With blue glass eyes, fur the color of sand
Ancient leather armor aged so tan.

A Teddy Bear Knight to defend his home
His shield holds off the monsters mighty blow
Sending a message all monsters should know
That no kid will ever go it alone.

If it's poetry for a child (or for those of us who still wish we were!) I would use rhyming couplets to create a strong rhythm

So at the minute you have 10,6,9,8  10,9,9,11 in syllables in your first two stanzas, making it a little uneven. I would also say that a using the the same rhyming word in the same stanza for all four lines doesn't help to bring out the rhythm.


So how about in the second stanza


In the world of dreams monsters hunt and roam                  --------------------    In lands of dream where monsters roam     (I much prefer 'land' to world')      
Looking for a child’s mind to call home.                                --------------------    A child's mind is a welcome home                  
Through the child’s fears and frights they will comb.           ----------------------      And though they seek to fear and fright
Not realizing no kid goes it alone.                                    ------------------------        They've not yet met a certain knight  (sorry had to change this line quite a bit to make it fit)

So it now has 2 rhyming couplets of the same length, and more emphasis on the rhyme with an AB,AB rhyming style.

By the way I love your poem, and the reason for you creating it!

[Pious Baloney]

As others have mentioned already...do give some consideration to the age of the reader and tailor it if you deem it necessary.  Perhaps you already have done so though.  Regardless I think you have something reasonably well written here.  A few considerations/tweaks for your consideration below.


Teddy Bear Knight

The nightlight making a bubble of light     <--- Perhaps re-write to avoid the double use of 'light'.
Keeping away things that bump in the night
An ethereal cloak holding you tight
To help fight off the creature’s might.     <--- Consider another word for fight (ie. ward off) to avoid repetition of rhyming within the same verse.

In the world of dreams monsters hunt and roam
Looking for a child’s mind to call home.   <---  Consider something other than child since you will use it again so quickly in the next line.  Perhaps 'little one's' or 'lad's'.
Through the child’s fears and frights they will comb.
Not realizing no kid goes it alone.

For by their side a champion will stand
Wielding a sword forged by might in their hand.
With blue glass eyes, fur the color of sand
Ancient leather armor aged so tan.

A Teddy Bear Knight to defend his home
His shield holds off the monsters mighty blow
Sending a message all monsters should know
That no kid will ever go it alone.

[azure]

I wrote this one for my niece.  She saw that picture floating around of the child in his bed sleeping and the teddy bear fending off the monster and this came to mind.  Hope you like it.

Teddy Bear Knight

The nightlight making a bubble of light
Keeping away things that bump in the night
An ethereal cloak holding you tight
To help fight off the creature’s might.

In the world of dreams monsters hunt and roam
Looking for a child’s mind to call home.
Through the child’s fears and frights they will comb.
Not realizing no kid goes it alone.

For by their side a champion will stand
Wielding a sword forged by might in their hand.
With blue glass eyes, fur the color of sand
Ancient leather armor aged so tan.

A Teddy Bear Knight to defend his home
His shield holds off the monsters mighty blow
Sending a message all monsters should know
That no kid will ever go it alone.

Cute, yet keeping the intended audience in mind, don't you think that this piece is a bit long winded and wordy for a child? I think this poem could lose a little weight, meaning word cuts. And the meter seems off for me, which disrupts what I interpret as an attempt at lyrical flow. I do like the tone of this little ditty, yet it needs much refinement before I would personally read it to a child. You can still write something brilliant without it being juvenile, that would equally tickle a child pink. Keep at it.

Azure