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The Spell.
The heat belly dances
shivers upward
sky bound ground wet
an empty breasted savanna
gives the last of its milk
puncturing a misplaced horizon
A swollen rhino suckles
hyena and bouncy buzzard
feed on death’s teat
nature drops a stitch
lions pray for lambs
glitter-ball night
and weary day plunder time
untill the pregnant skies
gestate and through breaking
water birth a verdured Serengeti
Please don't take this critique the wrong way but I have no idea what you are saying.
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(01-02-2010, 09:18 PM)Benny2guns Wrote: Please don't take this critique the wrong way but I have no idea what you are saying.
no probs benny and thanks for the honesty.
if i can get a bit of feedback i'll give you a pm and try explain it.
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I like it. Very evocative.
Just a minor quibble; in the last stanza, I found "glitter-ball night" to be a rather distracting image, that didn't fit perfectly in with the rest of the images. Also, I really feel I might be missing the significance of that one-line stanza, "nature drops a stitch", and why its separated/ what meaning it drives, because to me it seems like the least evocative line, yet its highlighted.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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(01-03-2010, 12:20 PM)addy Wrote: I like it. Very evocative.
Just a minor quibble; in the last stanza, I found "glitter-ball night" to be a rather distracting image, that didn't fit perfectly in with the rest of the images. Also, I really feel I might be missing the significance of that one-line stanza, "nature drops a stitch", and why its separated/ what meaning it drives, because to me it seems like the least evocative line, yet its highlighted.
holy disco dancing dingos batman i see your point.
i think i may gave been trying to hard to be poetic with the glitter ball nights.
i'll have a think about the lone line. thanks for the feedback addy. i'll leave it a while in the hope of a bit more feedback and do an edit.
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Yeah, I have a few of my own poems to edit myself...
Glad the comments helped
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
