skyscraper

[RSaba]

Thanks for all the feedback! This is Version #3 of this poem now.


skyscraper

felt like a spirit
strong in presence but weak within
walking between the lines of
yes i do and no i don't

felt like a skyscraper
among all the other concrete mountains
blending in, sticking out
windows open, blinds shut
walls untouched, but
the rain still falls in through the frames
and onto the floor
seeping into the surface in patterns of
yes i do and no i don't

felt like a city among many
one among thousands
like the only one with my mind open
like the only one thinking
real thoughts

my real thoughts
have not yet been made material
are they still real?
yes they are or no they're not

all i'm looking for
is an answer

[Leanne]

No worries at all with the style -- it's not something I employ often but as long as it's consistent, I'm happy. You keep it clean, with no end-line punctuation, allowing the line breaks to work for you. I am not entirely keen on breaking on prepositions or conjunctions -- I do it myself occasionally but there should be a purpose, which I'm not seeing in a lot of your lines. It's always best to remember that readers privilege first and last words on a line, so they should be the ones you want to stand out.

I am not entirely sure that "paradoxical" helps at all in the first strophe since you have your neat, subtle little refrain and many of your contrasts throughout. I do like the repetition of "felt" at the start of each strophe -- it stitches the poem together well. You control sound nicely, without overusing alliteration and assonance, and you do use a couple of rhymes that casually link your lines.

I'm not so sure about using "among" twice in S3 -- it doesn't seem a strong enough word to repeat and there are plenty of synonyms. That entire strophe is a little on the "telly" side, actually. "my mind cut open" made me wince with emo-hate

I wonder if you'd consider substituting "all i really want to find" for "all i'm really looking for", or something similar to show the goal instead of the process.

Overall, this is an interesting exploration with some great techniques. Welcome to the Pig Pen!

[RSaba]

Thanks Leanne!
This is really helpful. I tend to not notice when I use words twice, so thanks for catching that. Glad the style doesn't take away from the piece. I'll post an edit soon

[Erthona]

"the water still falls in through the gaping frames" What gaping frames are you referring to?

In terms of "style" I have no problems if one chooses to deviate from standard grammar and punctuation as long as one has a justifiable rational for doing so, and can state that coherently, otherwise I assume it is mere affectation and one is doing so because they are under the misapprehension that it make4s what they write "look" more poetic. Appealing to faddishness (that is to say, only doing it because it is the style) in an art form whose main purpose is to revel the truth seems sadly misguided, as well as contradictory.

Best,


Dale

[Todd]

Hi RSaba, welcome to the site!

I quite like this. Here are some comments for you on the revision:

Looking for some criticism/feedback on this piece! First post ever in Pigpen PS, I do tend to write free verse/no caps style, but if it ever feels like it doesn't work, please tell me!

This is Version #2. Thanks Leanne!


skyscraper

felt strong and weak
like something of a spirit--This opening is close to working I think but I'm not really getting how strong and weak fits this simile. I think you need to work it some more
walking between the lines of--Not a fan of this break, but I can live with it if you have no other way to set your refrain. Of is a weak word to end the line with though.
yes i do and no i don't--as much as I pointed out issues with the opening the yes/no refrain fits strong and weak nicely which makes me think my issue is with the second line and the simile--needs a better image perhaps

felt like a skyscraper--Redundant with the title perhaps some substitute for skyscraper here
among all the other concrete mountains--Love concrete mountains
blending in, sticking out
windows open, blinds shut--I like that these two lines mean what they mean and also point to the speakers approach to life or how their interactions are with people
walls untouched by rain, but--again not a fan of this break either. I find rain and water a bit redundant here better economy might be setting off untouched better in the line to set of the inside outside dichotomy of the speaker. They appear untouched by outwardly but inwardly there is a downpour. If the line emphasized untouched better maybe simply "walls untouched" next line "but the rain still falls... etc. Just a thought
the water still falls in through the gaping frames
and onto the floor
seeping into the surface in patterns of
yes i do and no i don't

felt like a city among many
like one of thousands
like the only one with my mind wide open
like the only one thinking
real thoughts--No real issues with this. The crowd is an illusion. For me, this strophe is good content.

my real thoughts
have not yet been made material
are they still real?
yes they are or no they're not

all i really want
is an answer

You have some nice things going on here. I hope the comments help. Use or ignore as you see fit.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

i see you already left a lot of feedback elsewhere, thanks for understanding how a workshop should work. ><

the lack of punctuation works here, maybe a cap to start., the question mark acts as a period at the end...but how you've laid it out does work

Looking for some criticism/feedback on this piece! First post ever in Pigpen PS, I do tend to write free verse/no caps style, but if it ever feels like it doesn't work, please tell me!

This is Version #2. Thanks Leanne!


skyscraper

felt strong and weak is [felt] needed as you have a better use of the word in the next stanzaz
like something of a spirit
walking between the lines of is [the] needed?
yes i do and no i don't

felt like a skyscraper
among all the other concrete mountains
blending in, sticking out
windows open, blinds shut
walls untouched by rain, but these two line work well together with the W's and end rhymes, even though the poem isn't a rhyming one it reads very smoothly
the water still falls in through the gaping frames
and onto the floor is and needed
seeping into the surface in patterns of
yes i do and no i don't the refrain works well for me.

felt like a city among many
like one of thousands
like the only one with my mind wide open
like the only one thinking
real thoughts not to keen on the 2nd likes, this stanza feels more positive than the rest, as though the 1st person understands more they're more sure of themselves.

my real thoughts
have not yet been made material nice M's
are they still real?
yes they are or no they're not and then they fall back into uncertainty

all i really want
is an answer

there's a dichotomy at play, a truth known of but lost. it was a very easy read. i'm glad you never used the word jungle thanks for the read

[tectak]

Looking for some criticism/feedback on this piece! First post ever in Pigpen PS, I do tend to write free verse/no caps style, but if it ever feels like it doesn't work, please tell me!

This is Version #2. Thanks Leanne!


skyscraper

felt strong and weak
like something of a spirit
walking between the lines of
yes i do and no i don't

felt like a skyscraper
among all the other concrete mountains
blending in, sticking out
windows open, blinds shut
walls untouched by rain, but
the water still falls in through the gaping frames
and onto the floor
seeping into the surface in patterns of
yes i do and no i don't

felt like a city among many
like one of thousands
like the only one with my mind wide open
like the only one thinking
real thoughts

my real thoughts
have not yet been made material
are they still real?
yes they are or no they're not

all i really want
is an answer

This is the original version:

skyscraper

felt strong and weak
like a paradoxical spirit
walking between the lines of
yes i do and no i don't

felt like a skyscraper
among all the other concrete mountains
blending in, sticking out
windows open, blinds shut
walls untouched by rain, but
the water still falls in through the gaping frames
and onto the floor
seeping into the surface in patterns of
yes i do and no i don't

felt like a city among many
like one among thousands
like the only one with my mind cut open
like the only one thinking
real thoughts

my real thoughts
have not yet been made material
are they still real?
yes they are or no they're not

all i'm really looking for
is an answer

Welcome Rsaba,
...and particulary welcome to the Serious Workshopping forum...this is where you should be.
Lots been said already and so I will wheel out my old cart full of pedantic platitudes and wheel it straight back in again. As I am fond of saying "Punctuation matters except when it doesn't"...and it doesn't here. Why? Because of the intent and consistency...the execution of this piece is stylish and deliberate. There are some bits where surreality takes over ..."strong and weak" is troublesome to me because I can sense what you mean but don't get enough reality from the words. Similarly, "like something of a spirit (walking)" has the same issue of not quite ringing true...as if you nearly said it another way but decided something of a spirit made sense to you. It doesn't to me but no matter because this is holistic verse which needs to be read n the round...which I have.
I loved the run on similes...always makes me think they should be called "simplies" because of the clarity which they impose.Just one nit, though, the simply expressed "comparitive" idea can lead to disconnects of syntactical intent and it happened here. You begin by "feeling like a city among many" and supplement the simile with "like one among thousands(of cities. Implied) Because of sans-punctuation, you need the words to keep the reader with you. Disconnect. Suddenly, in a single line, in the same stanza, with no instruction to the reader...you switch to "like the only one with my mind cut open" We are now emo not concrete. Splat!..and on you go...but that is the lot...this is me liking it.
Very nicely done.
Best,
tectak

[John Galt]

Hello, RSaba, for me there is too much padding within the poem.
You use the word "likes" too many times for me, IMHO they are not needed to get the point across. See the poem below.

In a Station of the Metro

The apparition of these faces in the crowd;
petals on a wet, black bough.

Ezra Pound


You could experiment with bringing the poem into the present tense.

Lines like "something of a spirit" are an abstraction that bring nothing to the poem.

feel strong and weak
walking the lines
between
yes i do and no i don't

I tried to leave "white space" in "between" the "yes i do and "no i don't. It will not let me for some reason, but I thought this would enhance the line.

The "concrete mountains" do not work for me, I can think of a much
better image that can be inserted there that blends seamlessly, with line 3 of the verse. I will leave you to think about that section.

I really like,

blending in, sticking out
windows open, blinds shut
walls untouched by rain.

Hope some of this post helps. JG

[RSaba]

Thank you everyone! This is all really helpful. I'm glad that the style works with the poem. I'll take all this feedback and see what I can do!

RSaba

[tectak]

Thank you everyone! This is all really helpful. I'm glad that the style works with the poem. I'll take all this feedback and see what I can do!

RSaba

Good egg,
tectak

[milo]

Looking for some criticism/feedback on this piece! First post ever in Pigpen PS, I do tend to write free verse/no caps style, but if it ever feels like it doesn't work, please tell me!

This is Version #2. Thanks Leanne!


skyscraper

felt strong and weak
like something of a spirit
walking between the lines of
yes i do and no i don't

I feel "something of" weakens the statement with no purpose. The simile falls flat because it compares something we can relate too (however weakly) - strong and weak - to something we can't - something of a spirit. A good simile should do the opposite. Even reversed it would be better - I felt like something of a spirit, both strong and weak - though it still wouldn't be great. I sense the indecision of "yes I do" and "no I don't" but because these are specific statements I expect resolution of them within the poem.

felt like a skyscraper
among all the other concrete mountains
blending in, sticking out
windows open, blinds shut
walls untouched by rain, but
the water still falls in through the gaping frames
and onto the floor
seeping into the surface in patterns of
yes i do and no i don't

This strophe is far more interesting than the first. Interesting enough for me to suggest scrapping the first entirely. The rhythm is both effortless and pleasant. I am interested enough in the usage of a frequent symbol of strength and power (skyscraper) as a symbol for indecision and waffling to want to read through for resolution. Unfortunately, I don't think you ever really do resolve the usage to satisfaction which may be the biggest weakness in the poem.

I don't think concrete mountains will ever be successful here due to the inaccurate image but it was an interesting attempt. The "gaping frames" doesn't really work for me. I heard once that none of the windows in skyscrapers actually open which could be a concern here.

felt like a city among many
like one of thousands
like the only one with my mind wide open
like the only one thinking
real thoughts

"Wide" doesn't in any way chamouflage the cliche of open mind. "Only one thinking real thoughts" is decidedly weak and abstract.

my real thoughts
have not yet been made material
are they still real?
yes they are or no they're not

all i really want
is an answer

The ending is much weaker than the rest. I understand the need to connect back to the narrator but statements like "real thoughts" and "are they still real" are vague and trite.

Promising work so far. Thanks for posting. Good luck with it.