Speak Your Language

[AnywherebutHere]

Speak your language
my mother would bark, with the pins in her
hair coming apart, furrowed brow permanently stuck in
captivity waiting to part, boiling away bad habits
inherited in shaky bloodlines, choking on dreams
her tongue foreign and quick witted
slicing redolent tomatoes, rolling off a forgotten
ship, with memories of young parents waving now
greying, she builds homes with her
teeth, in Canada we speak English like teaching her
thank-you and I am sorry, to remain unseen or
undetected, she teaches me how to worry and
carry weight on my impuissant shoulders, as bones rattle and
crack, she tells me I am only beautiful when I don’t mouth
back, she leans on me but only a little
her footprints are soaked and askew, had walked with rocks in her
shoes, nearly four miles to school, in scalding heat
onions sizzle on the skillet with curry filling
the streets outside, our window is open and she screams
Speak your language
pinching babies to make them susceptible to pain so
pain does not hurt when it comes intruding through the door
guns and death are promised like toys on
Eid in a land where fists are pumped in the air and
bullets fly like birds looking to land on anything
her sister became target practice, swung over a shoulder in wrapped
sheets, dripping gasoline
Speak your language
she taught me bad choices and not to make smiling a thing
ventriloquist housemaid to a man who still refuses to make his own
cup of tea
like broken glass swept up by hand she is stubborn and
cracked, living out centuries of tradition
whipped on her back in Arabic with the ink still burning
red, while war drums play in her bed
pounding and beating, the woman with a flag engraved in her
heart, what lustrous words
must be spoken to undo the mistakes of her mother and
her mother, and whose to blame when your country
is on fire, and you have nothing to give but everything
there ever was
Speak your language
I only know mafi karo
Meaning forgive me,
I say mafi karo,
She sighs heavy and turns off the
stove

[Erthona]

I think this reads pretty well, except for the center justify makes it difficult to get a feel for the lines. Unless there is some hidden reason for it, I would switch to left justify. Also you might want to make use of standard formatting such as periods at the end of sentences and capitols at the beginning of sentences, or else this tends to read like a long run on sentence. Example"

"pinching babies to make them susceptible to pain so pain does not hurt when it comes intruding through the door guns and death are promised like toys on Eid in a land where fists are pumped in the air and bullets fly like birds looking to land on anything her sister became target practice, swung over a shoulder in wrapped sheets, dripping gasoline"

Best,


Dale

[RSaba]

Speak your language
my mother would bark, with the pins in her Strong beginning, although having the phrase sitting there in italics with no punctuation, followed by the word "bark" seems to contradict it. But I'm not a fan of exclamation points in poetry so I'm not sure what to suggest, just a comment I guess.
hair coming apart, furrowed brow permanently stuck in
captivity waiting to part, boiling away bad habits
inherited in shaky bloodlines, choking on dreams
her tongue foreign and quick witted
slicing redolent tomatoes, rolling off a forgotten
ship, with memories of young parents waving now
greying, she builds homes with her
teeth, in Canada we speak English like teaching her
thank-you and I am sorry, to remain unseen or
undetected, she teaches me how to worry and
carry weight on my impuissant shoulders, as bones rattle and
crack, she tells me I am only beautiful when I don’t mouth
back, she leans on me but only a little
her footprints are soaked and askew, had walked with rocks in her maybe "she had walked...", that reads a bit awkwardly. Or perhaps "she'd walked" so that you'll keep the more casual phrasing and the syllable count.
shoes, nearly four miles to school, in scalding heat
onions sizzle on the skillet with curry filling
the streets outside, our window is open and she screams
Speak your language
pinching babies to make them susceptible to pain so
pain does not hurt when it comes intruding through the door
guns and death are promised like toys on
Eid in a land where fists are pumped in the air and great line, really powerful, just the way it's phrased- for anyone who knows what Eid is, this line is a huge paradox
bullets fly like birds looking to land on anything
her sister became target practice, swung over a shoulder in wrapped
sheets, dripping gasoline
Speak your language
she taught me bad choices and not to make smiling a thing This line is a little bit unclear- "not to make smiling a thing" especially since it's a fairly new colloquialism (to my knowledge anyways). She taught you- how to make bad choices? What bad choices are? A little bit unsure about that.
ventriloquist housemaid to a man who still refuses to make his own This is a great line because it describes their relationship so simply. However, I feel like the line break would be more effective between "refuses" and "to" instead of having "cup of tea" just sort of floating there.
cup of tea
like broken glass swept up by hand she is stubborn and comma between "hand" and "she"?
cracked, living out centuries of tradition
whipped on into? onto? not sure, "on" just doesn't quite seem right her back in Arabic with the ink still burning And here is where the reader is absolutely sure what this language is. If the reader got the other marker (Eid) then they would have guessed it beforehand. But otherwise, this could be the first time they realize it. That's fine, since it keeps you guessing. I'm flagging this as a good thing, just wanted to say that you made the piece interesting without even naming the language up til here, and that's what impressed me.
red, while war drums play in her bed I like the line framed here with "red" and "bed"
pounding and beating, the woman with a flag engraved in her "The woman with a flag engraved in her heart" is such a great descriptive line. However, it's weakened a bit by having "heart" on the next line. It's such a strong image that it's a shame to have that gap there.
heart, what lustrous words
must be spoken to undo the mistakes of her mother and Why the repetition of "her mother?" Did you mean to say mother and father? Unclear
her mother, and whose to blame when your country "who's to blame"
is on fire, and you have nothing to give but everything Another powerful line. This reads to me like spoken word, and it gets more and more fervent as the piece progresses.
there ever washowever, these three words don't mean much. The last line was powerful, and they sort of hang off it. I'm not sure if getting rid of it is the best idea, but it might need more substance?
Speak your language
I only know mafi karo I don't know Arabic, but I'm learning it slowly!), so out of curiosity I searched up this phrase as you wrote it, and then searched up the phrase "forgive me." I know there are many dialects within Arabic and that they say many phrases in completely different ways, so I'm sure "mafi karo" isn't wrong at all, and I'm not trying to say that. But it did confuse me a bit when my search didn't match up with the way you phrased it. Not a criticism, just a comment/question.
Meaning forgive me,
I say mafi karo,
She sighs heavy and turns off the Perhaps "she sighs heavily?" That would be the correct way, unless this is purposeful.
stove Interesting last word. I was wondering what it would be like if instead the last 2 lines were as such: "She sighs heavily / and turns off the stove" But that's just a suggestion, I don't mind it like this. It left me hanging thoughtfully.

I really enjoyed this. I do agree with the above comment, though. I don't think that having the poem centred helps the piece, but rather hinders it. Some pieces work well like that, often because the writing style is written into that shape. But I think your poem would read easier if it was formatted to the left. Or to the right, kind of like Arabic. But now I'm just being symbolic and weird, so disregard that last one.

Anyways, I think you wove a really great story and painted a fascinating character with your words. This mother is very real to me and the way you portrayed her is the reason for that. I also like that it is written from the point of view of her child (correct?) who seems to be only just beginning to realize where her mother's anger and other feelings are coming from. It's a powerful piece.

I hope those comments help, take what you will.

[AnywherebutHere]

I think this reads pretty well, except for the center justify makes it difficult to get a feel for the lines. Unless there is some hidden reason for it, I would switch to left justify. Also you might want to make use of standard formatting such as periods at the end of sentences and capitols at the beginning of sentences, or else this tends to read like a long run on sentence. Example"

"pinching babies to make them susceptible to pain so pain does not hurt when it comes intruding through the door guns and death are promised like toys on Eid in a land where fists are pumped in the air and bullets fly like birds looking to land on anything her sister became target practice, swung over a shoulder in wrapped sheets, dripping gasoline"

Best,


Dale

Thank you for your comments, I will work on my formatting some more, I appreciate your words.

---

Speak your language
my mother would bark, with the pins in her Strong beginning, although having the phrase sitting there in italics with no punctuation, followed by the word "bark" seems to contradict it. But I'm not a fan of exclamation points in poetry so I'm not sure what to suggest, just a comment I guess.
hair coming apart, furrowed brow permanently stuck in
captivity waiting to part, boiling away bad habits
inherited in shaky bloodlines, choking on dreams
her tongue foreign and quick witted
slicing redolent tomatoes, rolling off a forgotten
ship, with memories of young parents waving now
greying, she builds homes with her
teeth, in Canada we speak English like teaching her
thank-you and I am sorry, to remain unseen or
undetected, she teaches me how to worry and
carry weight on my impuissant shoulders, as bones rattle and
crack, she tells me I am only beautiful when I don’t mouth
back, she leans on me but only a little
her footprints are soaked and askew, had walked with rocks in her maybe "she had walked...", that reads a bit awkwardly. Or perhaps "she'd walked" so that you'll keep the more casual phrasing and the syllable count.
shoes, nearly four miles to school, in scalding heat
onions sizzle on the skillet with curry filling
the streets outside, our window is open and she screams
Speak your language
pinching babies to make them susceptible to pain so
pain does not hurt when it comes intruding through the door
guns and death are promised like toys on
Eid in a land where fists are pumped in the air and great line, really powerful, just the way it's phrased- for anyone who knows what Eid is, this line is a huge paradox
bullets fly like birds looking to land on anything
her sister became target practice, swung over a shoulder in wrapped
sheets, dripping gasoline
Speak your language
she taught me bad choices and not to make smiling a thing This line is a little bit unclear- "not to make smiling a thing" especially since it's a fairly new colloquialism (to my knowledge anyways). She taught you- how to make bad choices? What bad choices are? A little bit unsure about that.
ventriloquist housemaid to a man who still refuses to make his own This is a great line because it describes their relationship so simply. However, I feel like the line break would be more effective between "refuses" and "to" instead of having "cup of tea" just sort of floating there.
cup of tea
like broken glass swept up by hand she is stubborn and comma between "hand" and "she"?
cracked, living out centuries of tradition
whipped on into? onto? not sure, "on" just doesn't quite seem right her back in Arabic with the ink still burning And here is where the reader is absolutely sure what this language is. If the reader got the other marker (Eid) then they would have guessed it beforehand. But otherwise, this could be the first time they realize it. That's fine, since it keeps you guessing. I'm flagging this as a good thing, just wanted to say that you made the piece interesting without even naming the language up til here, and that's what impressed me.
red, while war drums play in her bed I like the line framed here with "red" and "bed"
pounding and beating, the woman with a flag engraved in her "The woman with a flag engraved in her heart" is such a great descriptive line. However, it's weakened a bit by having "heart" on the next line. It's such a strong image that it's a shame to have that gap there.
heart, what lustrous words
must be spoken to undo the mistakes of her mother and Why the repetition of "her mother?" Did you mean to say mother and father? Unclear
her mother, and whose to blame when your country "who's to blame"
is on fire, and you have nothing to give but everything Another powerful line. This reads to me like spoken word, and it gets more and more fervent as the piece progresses.
there ever washowever, these three words don't mean much. The last line was powerful, and they sort of hang off it. I'm not sure if getting rid of it is the best idea, but it might need more substance?
Speak your language
I only know mafi karo I don't know Arabic, but I'm learning it slowly!), so out of curiosity I searched up this phrase as you wrote it, and then searched up the phrase "forgive me." I know there are many dialects within Arabic and that they say many phrases in completely different ways, so I'm sure "mafi karo" isn't wrong at all, and I'm not trying to say that. But it did confuse me a bit when my search didn't match up with the way you phrased it. Not a criticism, just a comment/question.
Meaning forgive me,
I say mafi karo,
She sighs heavy and turns off the Perhaps "she sighs heavily?" That would be the correct way, unless this is purposeful.
stove Interesting last word. I was wondering what it would be like if instead the last 2 lines were as such: "She sighs heavily / and turns off the stove" But that's just a suggestion, I don't mind it like this. It left me hanging thoughtfully.

I really enjoyed this. I do agree with the above comment, though. I don't think that having the poem centred helps the piece, but rather hinders it. Some pieces work well like that, often because the writing style is written into that shape. But I think your poem would read easier if it was formatted to the left. Or to the right, kind of like Arabic. But now I'm just being symbolic and weird, so disregard that last one.

Anyways, I think you wove a really great story and painted a fascinating character with your words. This mother is very real to me and the way you portrayed her is the reason for that. I also like that it is written from the point of view of her child (correct?) who seems to be only just beginning to realize where her mother's anger and other feelings are coming from. It's a powerful piece.

I hope those comments help, take what you will.

Thank you so much for your comments, I really appreciate you taking the time to dissect the poem. I will take in everything you have written, it is great help in rewriting my poem. Also, when you point out the meaning of mafi karo, I am actually not speaking from an Middle Eastern country background, but actually a South Asian background. The language is actually urdu, which is spoken in South Asia and is written in Arabic letters, but is a whole different language then arabic. So that is why you cannot find mafi karo in arabic per se, but if you search it in urdu, you will find it written in arabic writing.