Lost in the Money

[kidadel]

Lost in the money...
Cyclical consumption,
Obsolete product production,
Dysfunction advertised on a mass scale,
Pastel shaded widgets,
Bic razors, narcissistic stereo systems,
Indignant Maytag washing machines, dryers,
Oster blends, toasters screaming buy us,
Lemming culture,
Follow the follower,
Drowning in materialism,
Cowards in hiding,
Finding me in the crowded nucleus, shunning the future,
Muttering something about debit card overdraft fees,
Because Bilderberg power conglomerates got me exchanging sweat soaked hours for dollars,
Now, time is money ,
Now, department store lines mimic the sick formations of African slaves in North America waiting to be branded by the hands of vandals,
Barbarian sandals footing a grip on Kemetic secret architecture,
Stole Horus' lectures and the sunset,
When in Rome auction your reflection,
The skin burns,
Hollowed to the core,
Low-browed in a Lexus coupe,
Frantically searching for the rest of you,
Lost in the money...

[Erthona]

Seems like you loose your focus, and you over personification of objects seems more a distraction than a help, such as "narcissistic stereo systems". For me at least that doesn't really work, neither does "Indignant Maytag washing machines".

Dale

[ellajam]

Hi, kid, welcome. Please leave critique in the workshops if you want to participate here.

While this poem gets it's point across, I think it misses the opportunity to show an alternative lifestyle. Is it the objects that oppress or our choice to get on line?

To me, the only indignant washing machine is one that refuses to wash my clothes.

I'd love to see you take this somewhere other than a descriptive rant, Good luck with it.

Lost in the money...
Cyclical consumption,
Obsolete product production,
Dysfunction advertised on a mass scale,
Pastel shaded widgets,
Bic razors, narcissistic stereo systems,
Indignant Maytag washing machines, dryers,
Oster blends, toasters screaming buy us,
Lemming culture,
Follow the follower,
Drowning in materialism,
Cowards in hiding,
Finding me in the crowded nucleus, shunning the future,
Muttering something about debit card overdraft fees,
Because Bilderberg power conglomerates got me exchanging sweat soaked hours for dollars,
Now, time is money ,
Now, department store lines mimic the sick formations of African slaves in North America waiting to be branded by the hands of vandals,
Barbarian sandals footing a grip on Kemetic secret architecture,
Stole Horus' lectures and the sunset,
When in Rome auction your reflection,
The skin burns,
Hollowed to the core,
Low-browed in a Lexus coupe,
Frantically searching for the rest of you,
Lost in the money...

[George]

woah slow down there, it seems as if each line takes on a different subject. Stick to one subject, one image to expand on. The best poetry talks about the fewest things, but can mean a lot more.

Some of the things you breezed by is usable as a theme for a poem for example:

Time is money
pastel shaded widgets
materialism

That's just a few that I thought would be the easiest to write about but obviously you can turn anything into poetry. Avoid trying to fit everything in one poem because these topics deserve to be in their seperate poems.