Waiting

[poe]

The days are long

But then

time

slips between two pale sheets and

nothing seems to bud. A sigh

tumbles out like a lazy butterfly.

Rainy days have drawn themselves around me

like wet stockings.

And I wait,

as if counting down the days

with chalk

on a cement wall.

[TheDoctorCam]

Hey tony! Content wise, great job. Everyone always can workshop poems and edit them, but I like what you have. I think it needs a lot of work structurally though. I don't know if you intended for the double spacing but it made it read slowly. Also, the line breaks were a bit weird to me and felt more "let me break it here to make it look like a poem" and not with purpose. Just an example of how I might change it:

The days are long
But then time slips
between two pale sheets

or

The days are long
But then
time slips
...continued....

Do you see the difference? Not visually, but how it is read and how the end words are emphasized. That was simply a quick alternate in which I didn't change the text but I just wanted to show you that. To really get good look at how line breaks can be used to add suspense, musicality, and dynamics, take a look at "The Red Wheelbarrow" by William Carlos Williams. He is a very concise and economical poet.

Cheers and great post!

[ellajam]

Hi, Tony, welcome.

I'd rethink wet stockings, come up with something fresher. I like the slow pace. Lazy butterfly made me think, led me to one still damp from it's emergence, though I don't know that rebirth was what you had in mind.

[ChristopherSea]

TS, I felt there was a bit too much white space in this short piece. I get the the long days stretching, but in may have been better to use the device in the opening and tighten up the the middle portion with all of the lovely bits and stretch out the end once more. I really like all the imagery packed into your poem. The sheets/bud/butterfly/stockings/chalk/cement were all great. Rainy days as wet stockings was my favorite, I immediately saw wet 'fishnet' stockings wrapped around your waist. Nice first post and looking forward to more./Chris

[poe]

Hey tony! Content wise, great job. Everyone always can workshop poems and edit them, but I like what you have. I think it needs a lot of work structurally though. I don't know if you intended for the double spacing but it made it read slowly. Also, the line breaks were a bit weird to me and felt more "let me break it here to make it look like a poem" and not with purpose. Just an example of how I might change it:

The days are long
But then time slips
between two pale sheets

or

The days are long
But then
time slips
...continued....

Do you see the difference? Not visually, but how it is read and how the end words are emphasized. That was simply a quick alternate in which I didn't change the text but I just wanted to show you that. To really get good look at how line breaks can be used to add suspense, musicality, and dynamics, take a look at "The Red Wheelbarrow" by William Carlos Williams. He is a very concise and economical poet.

Cheers and great post!

I like your line changes for my poem, Waiting and will go back and adjust them. Thanks for your encouraging crit. I will check out The Red Wheelbarrow again as I know I've read it long ago.
TS

[rowens]

The days are long

But then

time

slips between two pale sheets and

nothing seems to bud. A sigh

tumbles out like a lazy butterfly.

Rainy days have drawn themselves around me

like wet stockings.

And I wait,

as if counting down the days

with chalk

on a cement wall.




If the spaces between the lines are part of the poem, I think they work. I don't know if you want consistency with the punctuation, the But works in the second line without a period before it, and the A sigh works after the period, so maybe you don't want it where it's not absolutely needed. The spaces between the lines make the first two lines look nice, though that's the only place the lack of punctuation happens, and the other punctuation appears valuable. The poem sounds nice as it is.

[poe]

TS, I felt there was a bit too much white space in this short piece. I get the the long days stretching, but in may have been better to use the device in the opening and tighten up the the middle portion with all of the lovely bits and stretch out the end once more. I really like all the imagery packed into your poem. The sheets/bud/butterfly/stockings/chalk/cement were all great. Rainy days as wet stockings was my favorite, I immediately saw wet 'fishnet' stockings wrapped around your waist. Nice first post and looking forward to more./Chris

Thanks so much!

[Leanne]

Now that you've received such excellent feedback on your poem, it's time to give some back -- in fact, it really should be done the other way around/ admin

[poe]

The days are long
but then time slips
between two pale sheets
and nothing seems to bud.

A sigh tumbles out like a lazy butterfly.
Rainy days have drawn themselves around me
like wet stockings.
And I wait, as if counting down the days with chalk
on a cement wall.

---

Now that you've received such excellent feedback on your poem, it's time to give some back -- in fact, it really should be done the other way around/ admin

On the double. Actually I did critique a poem first.

[RSaba]

I love short pieces that say a lot. This is no exception. The edits suggested here are mostly grammatical, punctuation, etc. that might make it read better. Also, I don't know if you meant for it to be double-spaced or not, but that makes it a bit difficult to read. Try it without the spaces!

The days are long either a period here, or a comma and make it part of the next sentence. Personally, I think period. This is a great way to start the piece.

But then

time

slips between two pale sheets and beautiful image

nothing seems to bud. A sigh

tumbles out like a lazy butterfly. more beautiful imagery!

Rainy days have drawn themselves around me

like wet stockings. Since the next line begins with "and," I feel like it might flow better if you combined these two sentences, or just got rid of the "and" altogether.

And I wait,

as if counting down the days

with chalk

on a cement wall.

Fantastic last sentence! Honestly, I love this. It feels like a small puzzle missing pieces, and that's the way it should be. Beautiful, wistful imagery. Great write!

[George]

The days are long

But then

time

slips between two pale sheets and

nothing seems to bud. A sigh

tumbles out like a lazy butterfly.

Rainy days have drawn themselves around me

like wet stockings.

And I wait,

as if counting down the days

with chalk

on a cement wall.

Hello, I really like the imagery you created in this poem, was really interesting to see. I'm not sure what you are getting with the one line stanzas (is it to create a slower tempo? I'm not sure).

I would liked to see more of a central image, instead of a few short ones for this kind of theme, maybe focus more on the nature aspect of things and keep the lazy butterfly and rainy days image, the wet stockings seem a little weird. The chalk and the cement wall also don't fit into the archetype but honestly it's a pretty good poem overall. Good job.

[billy]

keep up the good work, remebering it's less about doing one for one re feedback and more about doing what you can even if that is sometimes two or three to one :J:

The days are long
but then time slips
between two pale sheets
and nothing seems to bud.

A sigh tumbles out like a lazy butterfly.
Rainy days have drawn themselves around me
like wet stockings.
And I wait, as if counting down the days with chalk
on a cement wall.

---

Now that you've received such excellent feedback on your poem, it's time to give some back -- in fact, it really should be done the other way around/ admin

On the double. Actually I did critique a poem first.

[Gena]

I really like your poem! I agree with ellajam about rethinking wet stockings.I enjoyed the slow pace too.
keep up the good work!
cheers.

[rowens]

The days are long

But then

time

slips between two pale sheets and

nothing seems to bud. A sigh

tumbles out like a lazy butterfly.

Rainy days have drawn themselves around me

like wet stockings.

And I wait,

as if counting down the days

with chalk

on a cement wall.




or



The days are long
but then time slips
between two pale sheets
and nothing seems to bud.

A sigh tumbles out like a lazy butterfly.
Rainy days have drawn themselves around me
like wet stockings.
And I wait, as if counting down the days with chalk
on a cement wall.


The second one seems somehow less thoughtful than the first.

[Victor Anders]

The days are long

But then

time

slips between two pale sheets and

nothing seems to bud. A sigh

tumbles out like a lazy butterfly.

Rainy days have drawn themselves around me

like wet stockings.

And I wait,

as if counting down the days

with chalk

on a cement wall.

This may be one of my new favorite poems!

---

The days are long

But then

time

slips between two pale sheets and

nothing seems to bud. A sigh

tumbles out like a lazy butterfly.

Rainy days have drawn themselves around me

like wet stockings.

And I wait,

as if counting down the days

with chalk

on a cement wall.

This may be one of my new favorite poems!

[tectak]

The days are long

But then

time

slips between two pale sheets and

nothing seems to bud. A sigh

tumbles out like a lazy butterfly.

Rainy days have drawn themselves around me

like wet stockings.

And I wait,

as if counting down the days

with chalk

on a cement wall.

This may be one of my new favorite poems!

---

The days are long

But then

time

slips between two pale sheets and

nothing seems to bud. A sigh

tumbles out like a lazy butterfly.

Rainy days have drawn themselves around me

like wet stockings.

And I wait,

as if counting down the days

with chalk

on a cement wall.

This may be one of my new favorite poems!

This is not valid critique but worryingly it may be the best you can do. PROVE ME WRONG.
Mod