Go on sad one

[Erthona]

.

Go on sad one,
Go on and play,
Go on sad one,
Turn night to day.

Seek joy and fun,
Please do not stray
Show everyone,
Your merry way.

Go on sad one,
Go on! Now play!
It’s not for you,
Though come what may.

For don’t you know
What is your place?
If pained inside,
Still smile on face.

Go on sad one,
While yet still day,
‘fore darkness falls,
upon your grave.

.


–Erthona

[Mopkins]

Go ON sad ONE,
Go ON and PLAY,
Go ON sad ONE,
Turn NIGHT to DAY.

Seek JOY and FUN,
Please DO not STRAY
Show EVeryONE,
Your MERry WAY.

Go ON sad ONE,
Go ON! Now PLAY!
It’s NOT for YOU,
THOUGH come WHAT may. (this line doesn’t sound iambic to me – i read it as two trochees)

For DONT you KNOW
WHAT is your PLACE? (trochee iamb? Might be just me)
If PAINED inSIDE,
Still SMILE on FACE.

Go ON sad ONE,
While YET still DAY,
‘fore DARKness FALLS,
uPON your GRAVE.

You’ve done a good job with the meter, - it could be just my aussie accent but i’ve noted two deviations from the iambic meter you seem to be aiming for. Liked it – it’s like a chant with the even meter and short lines – good job.


Marianne

[Erthona]

To tell he truth, I was not even considering meter when I wrote it.

Dale

[Mopkins]

To tell he truth, I was not even considering meter when I wrote it.

Dale

well you've pulled it off pretty well unintentionally or not. Bravo!

[ellajam]

I had no trouble saying

It’s NOT for YOU,
though COME what MAY.

And even

For DON'T you KNOW
what IS your PLACE
If PAINED inSIDE,
Still SMILE on FACE.

could work for me meter or accent-wise, but these 4 lines are the most awkward for me, a stretch to make sense of.

And is the title meant to be on or one?

[Erthona]

Thanks Marcella,

It was suppose to be "on". I fixed it.

Dale

[Stephanie]

I think this is rather beautiful and I really enjoyed reading it out loud. I had no problem with the metre, the only tiny sticking point for me was the very last line which didn't flow as nicely for me when I spoke it as the rest although I should mention I have a Scottish accent which probably changes the way things are said. I even wondered about changing grave to play so the last line read 'fore darkness falls upon your play - the rhyme would work and it might be a nice echo of the first stanza.

[Namyh]

Erthona - I enjoyed the beauty and craft of your words. I would offer one suggestion for clarity without losing the beat:

"For don’t you know
What is your place?
When pain inside
still smiles the face."

Good work E. Namyh

[Erthona]

Thanks for your comments. I appreciate them all. In terms of meter I often have turns in my poems (iamb to trochee and vise versa), it is neither intentional or unintentional, I simply don't care as long as it does not disrupt the reading. I rarely write in strict meter anymore, not because I can't, or think there isn't a place for it, I just prefer the freedom that comes when I don't have to worry about it. Plus I find that people get too focused on the form rather on the content. This is not to say one shouldn't learn to write meter, that knowledge, when it becomes intuitive is the cornerstone of "good" free verse.

I did want to specifically address Stephanie's comment. I appreciate the thought but you see, he will be in his grave when the sun goes down, so I could not change it to play.

Thanks again for all your comments, even if I don't use them they are still beneficial, as they force me to have a rationale for the way I did it rather than the way you suggests. So Thanks again

Dale

[Stephanie]

Ah yes that would change the story somewhat. In a way the change in the rhyme works well too as it is a little jarring just like the fact that he is in his grave.

[Erthona]

Yes, you've got it, that was the idea I was going for.

Dale

[Brownlie]

.
My main issue with this poem is that I know you are capable of going into greater depth with your content.

Go on sad one,
Go on and play,
Go on sad one,
Turn night to day.

Seek joy and fun,
Please do not stray
Show everyone,
Your merry way.

Go on sad one,
Go on! Now play!
It’s not for you,
Though come what may.

For don’t you know
What is your place?
If pained inside,
Still smile on face. --- The syntax is awkward here.


Go on sad one,
While yet still day,-the syntax is also awkward here.

‘fore darkness falls,-- Fore seems somewhat archaic

upon your grave. --
.

Interesting end note

–Erthona

Those are just my comments and please take in mind that I haven't slept well in a couple of days.

[Erthona]

"My main issue with this poem is that I know you are capable of going into greater depth with your content."

That is true, but not my intent. It is from a series of poems called the "Song of Enoch" Here is another one on this site if you wish to look at it.

The Land of Nod

Thanks for your comments

Dale

[Brownlie]

"My main issue with this poem is that I know you are capable of going into greater depth with your content."

That is true, but not my intent. It is from a series of poems called the "Song of Enoch" Here is another one on this site if you wish to look at it.

The Land of Nod

Thanks for your comments

Dale

I'm curious to see what you've written but unfortunately the link is not working.

[Erthona]

sorry, here it is.

The Land of Nod

Once the parent mistook for God,
where our mothers before had trod,
little hands went reaching up
to find some solace there.

Yet no solace in this land,
which lacks for spirit thus is bland,
where soul and body have been parted,
and claim but desolation.

Reunite the tortured halves,
return the cow now to her calves,
then in the warmth of loving arms,
we will rest and sleep.

For the oft' divided land,
births the tiger not the lamb,
and harvest not the golden grain,
nor finds her consolation.



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