Her Song -edited
#1
1st Edit
Her Song



She woke when dusk was trailing colored ribbons ‘cross the sky.
The birds warbled their nocturnes near the stream that trickled by
and from her mossy bed she rose and stretched her arms and sung
her praises with the birdsong, as the verdant valley rung
and echoed with the sound of it, across the noisy stream
awoke a lonely wanderer into what seemed a dream…

He heard the sound of singing ‘midst the birds’ worshipful notes
and was drawn towards the stream where the water-lillys float.
He spied her, ‘cross the water, lotus dreaming; thought her fey
And lovely as the birds who sang his fear of night away.
He watched her singing with them, caught the ethereal song-.
the trees and wind and birds and stream carried the tune along,

And his waking now was dreaming, his dreams inside a dream,
he joined the song the valley sang and plunged across the stream
lotus filled, full of longing, but she’d disappeared from sight.
The singing ceased as darkness fell, the day gave way to night
and he found himself alone again listening for her song
and forgot the trees and birds and stream also sang along.

He went on lone and lonely as she watched him stumble by
now awake but sadly dreaming, and she heard him moan and sigh
at the darkness that had sprung up and the lotus driven dream-
yet still the wind and trees and birds sang praises with the stream.
“In this valley” said the wanderer, “I sometimes hear her song;
I wander into harmony, the whole earth sings along.”





Original
Her Song



She woke when dusk was trailing colored ribbons ‘cross the sky.
The birds warbled their nocturnes near the stream that trickled by
and from her mossy bed she rose and stretched her arms and sung
her praises with the birdsong- as the verdant valley rung
and echoed with the sound of it, across the noisy stream
awoke a lonely wanderer Into a stranger dream
than the one that he had left when his eyes opened to see
shafts of light piercing the clouds o’er darkening valley.

He heard the sound of singing ‘midst the birds’ worshipful notes
and was drawn towards the stream where the water-lillys float.
He spied her, ‘cross the water, lotus dreaming; thought her fey
And lovely as the birds who sang his fear of night away.
He watched her singing with them, caught the ethereal song-.
the trees and wind and birds and stream carried the tune along,

And his waking now was dreaming and his dreams inside a dream,
he joined the song the valley sang and plunged across the stream
lotus filled, full of longing, but she’d disappeared from sight.
The singing ceased as darkness grew, the day gave way to night
and he found himself alone again listening for her song
and forgot the trees and birds and stream also sang along.

He went on lone and lonely and she watched him stumble by
now awake but sadly dreaming, and she heard him moan and sigh
at the darkness that had sprung up and the lotus driven dream-
yet still the wind and trees and birds sang praises with the stream.
“In this valley” said the wanderer, “I sometimes hear her song;
I wander into harmony, the whole earth sings along.”
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#2
(04-14-2014, 05:26 PM)Mopkins Wrote:  Her Song



She woke when dusk was trailing colored ribbons ‘cross the sky.
The birds warbled their nocturnes near the stream that trickled by
and from her mossy bed she rose and stretched her arms and sung
her praises with the birdsong- as the verdant valley rung
(comma makes more sense than hyphen)
and echoed with the sound of it, across the noisy stream (nice enjambment, maybe starting with echoed would sound better for meter)
awoke a lonely wanderer Into a stranger dream
than the one that he had left when his eyes opened to see
shafts of light piercing the clouds o’er darkening valley.

He heard the sound of singing ‘midst the birds’ worshipful notes
and was drawn towards the stream where the water-lillys float.
He spied her, ‘cross the water, lotus dreaming; thought her fey
And lovely as the birds who sang his fear of night away.
He watched her singing with them, caught the ethereal song-.
the trees and wind and birds and stream carried the tune along,

And his waking now was dreaming and his dreams inside a dream,
he joined the song the valley sang and plunged across the stream
lotus filled, full of longing, but she’d disappeared from sight.
The singing ceased as darkness grew, the day gave way to night
(darkness fell)
and he found himself alone again listening for her song
and forgot the trees and birds and stream also sang along.
(who also sang)

He went on lone and lonely and she watched him stumble by (as instead of and)
now awake but sadly dreaming, and she heard him moan and sigh
at the darkness that had sprung up and the lotus driven dream-
yet still the wind and trees and birds sang praises with the stream.
“In this valley” said the wanderer, “I sometimes hear her song;
I wander into harmony, the whole earth sings along.”

Beautiful, mopkins, simply beautiful! I could sing this it's so smooth, it's like reading butter.

Meter

According to Wikipedia, this is heptameter, seven iambs per line. It's a little long winded, but not overbearing, and honestly, I find that long meter perfectly suits a poem about elven love. The length of the lines is very haphazard, but saying the poem aloud, I hardly noticed due to the enjambment which keeps the poem flowing.

S3:L1 has eight iambs, it kind of tumbles onto the next line with a thud. Same thing for the last two lines here. I think changing "inside" to "in a dream" could fix that line.

Theme

Love poems are overused and I know I've seen at least a couple fantasy ones before. You have some cliches to work through. Bird song, flowers, and the protaganist yearning for a siren; all these things can be found in ancient Greek epic poetry through modern times.
*Warning: blatant tomfoolery above this line
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#3
Tyis is a seven foot line, with rhyming couplets, appearently in accentual verse as there is no discernible metric pattern.


This line is a bit awkward
"than the one that he had left when his eyes opened to see" Maybe op'd or whatever that contraction is for opened.

Regardless both of these lines are awkward and disrupting to the reading.

"than the one that he had left when his eyes opened to see
shafts of light piercing the clouds o’er darkening valley."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"than the one that he had left" this phrase is unclear, who is the "one" he left.

There seem to be little oddities like this throughout, add more for the line or for the rhyme.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overall this reminds me some of "a Belle Dame sans Merci"


Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#4
The way this flows off the tongue is stunning! The only thing is the last line in the first stanza, I felt a break/stumble in words. Only thing I could see being negative would be when he is sad it becomes night-time. A tad cliche, but I think you used it adequately...
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#5
Hi KindOfAHippy, thanks for looking at this.

her praises with the birdsong- as the verdant valley rung (comma makes more sense than hyphen) used a hyphen as the sentence seemed too long without a pause for breath but I'll take your suggestion

The singing ceased as darkness grew, the day gave way to night (darkness fell) good idea I'll take that

and forgot the trees and birds and stream also sang along. (who also sang)
If I add who here it would make it sound like he forgot about the trees and birds etc, not forgot that they also sang praises and it would make the line a syllable too long

Fixed the long line - thanks for pointing that out.

Glad you liked it - thanks again for your crit.



Dale, those two lines bothered me too - 'than the one that he had left' was a reference to the dream he'd just woken from... but it was all a bit foggy so I've got rid of those two lines - hopefully it'll help. La Belle Dame Sans Mercy is a favorite of mine.Thanks for the comments

Anonymous thanks for your comment - it's hard to write a love poem without using cliches as the subject is so well covered in poetry... Got rid of the last two lines in the first stanza - wasn't that fussed on them anyhow. Glad you liked it.
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