Acer Aspiration

[ChristopherSea]

final?

Acer Aspiration

Standing off-center
in one loop of a cloverleaf
like a flagstick on a golf green,
a young maple waves her leafy hands.
She's encircled by vulcanized road vipers
stinking of sulfur and petrol. Undaunted,
she flourishes triumphantly
over rubber and rubble.

The sapling yields to a cyclone
of car exhaust that twirls sugary straws
pursued by a veil of eager flies.
She's nearly invisible in the whirlwind,
if not for her ruby autumn foliage
contrasting the dull granite shards
threatening her tender roots.

Most motorists don’t notice
this miracle or appreciate that in decades
she’ll donate gallons of her sap
just to provide enough syrup
for their morning waffle.

---------------------------------------
Dale/bena/ella edit 2, thanks

Acer Aspiration

Standing off-center
in one loop of a cloverleaf
like a flagstick on a golf green,
a young maple waves her leafy hands.
She's encircled by vulcanized road vipers
stinking of sulfur and petrol. Undaunted,
she flourishes triumphantly
over rubber and rubble.

The sapling yields to a cyclone
of car exhaust that twirls sugary straws
pursued by a veil of eager flies.
She's nearly invisible in the whirlwind,
if not for her ruby autumn foliage
contrasting the dull granite shards
threatening her tender roots.

Most motorists don’t notice
this miracle or appreciate that in decades
she’ll donate gallons of her sap
just to provide enough syrup
for their morning waffle.


--------------------------------------
Dale/bena edit 1 thank you

Acer Aspiration

Standing off-center
in one loop of a cloverleaf
like a flagstick on a golf green,
a young maple waves her leafy hands.
She's encircled by vulcanized road vipers.
Undaunted, she flourishes triumphantly
over rubber and rubble.

The sapling yields to a cyclone
of car exhaust that twirls sugary straws
pursued by fervent flies.
She's nearly invisible in the whirlwind,
if not for her ruby autumn foliage
contrasting the dull granite shards
threatening her tender roots.

Motorists won’t notice this miracle
of survival or realize the decades
it will take her to mature
or appreciate that she’ll donate
two gallons of her sap
to provide just enough syrup
for their morning waffles.

-----------------------------------
Acer Aspirations

Standing off center
in the loop of a cloverleaf
like a flagstick on a golf green,
a sapling waves her maple leaf hands.
She burgeons triumphantly,
peering over rubber and rubble.

She yields to a cyclone
of car exhaust
that whirls sugary straws
pursued by eager flies. She's encircled
by coiled road vipers,
vulcanized serpents stinking
of sulfur and petroleum.

She might be overlooked,
if not for the ruby foliage
contrasting dull granite stones
about her tender roots. It's doubtful
that anyone will notice her,
see this marvel of survival
or realize that in two decades

one gallon of her sap
could provide enough syrup
for one morning waffle.

[Erthona]

Acer Aspirations

Standing off center
in the loop of a cloverleaf ,<"A loop" unless this is the only one>
like a flagstick on a golf green,
a sapling waves her maple leaf hands.
She burgeons triumphantly,
peering over rubber and rubble.

She yields to a cyclone
of car exhaust
that whirls sugary straws
pursued by eager flies. She's encircled
by coiled road vipers,
vulcanized serpents stinking
of sulfur and petroleum.

She might be overlooked, < Will give alternate below*>
if not for the ruby foliage
contrasting dull granite stones
about her tender roots. It's doubtful
that anyone will notice her,
see this marvel of survival
or realize that in two decades

one gallon of her sap
could provide enough syrup
for one morning waffle.

* "Overlooked, if not for her ruby foliage
which contrasts with the dull granite stones
laying about her tender roots.

_________________________________________________________
Chris,

I'm wondering if you would not be best to start a new stanza with "It's doubtful". I don't feel like the enjambment is particularly beneficial as it is so overtly obvious. I literally stopped reading when I came to that point because it stuck out so much.

I am ambivalent about the last stanza. It almost seems to diminish the tree, rather than the opposite. Maybe:

"It's doubtful that anyone
will notice this marvel
of survival, or realize
that one day her sap
will provide sweet syrup;
a counterpoint to her
bitter upbringing."

This poem has a lot of potential. I like how you personify the tree as her. It ties in her syrup to the milk produced by mammals, and despite her harsh treatment, she grows into something that will give a present to those who ignore and treat her with neglect. I like the leafy hands image, but I would stay away from emphasizing the "maple leaf" aspect, as that carries much connotative baggage.

Luck on your next edit (as you say),

Oh yeah, almost forgot. The title is cute as well as alliterative.

Dale

[ChristopherSea]

Acer Aspirations

Standing off center
in the loop of a cloverleaf ,<"A loop" unless this is the only one>
like a flagstick on a golf green,
a sapling waves her maple leaf hands.
She burgeons triumphantly,
peering over rubber and rubble.

She yields to a cyclone
of car exhaust
that whirls sugary straws
pursued by eager flies. She's encircled
by coiled road vipers,
vulcanized serpents stinking
of sulfur and petroleum.

She might be overlooked, < Will give alternate below*>
if not for the ruby foliage
contrasting dull granite stones
about her tender roots. It's doubtful
that anyone will notice her,
see this marvel of survival
or realize that in two decades

one gallon of her sap
could provide enough syrup
for one morning waffle.

* "Overlooked, if not for her ruby foliage
which contrasts with the dull granite stones
laying about her tender roots.

_________________________________________________________
Chris,

I'm wondering if you would not be best to start a new stanza with "It's doubtful". I don't feel like the enjambment is particularly beneficial as it is so overtly obvious. I literally stopped reading when I came to that point because it stuck out so much.

I am ambivalent about the last stanza. It almost seems to diminish the tree, rather than the opposite. Maybe:

"It's doubtful that anyone
will notice this marvel
of survival, or realize
that one day her sap
will provide sweet syrup;
a counterpoint to her
bitter upbringing."

This poem has a lot of potential. I like how you personify the tree as her. It ties in her syrup to the milk produced by mammals, and despite her harsh treatment, she grows into something that will give a present to those who ignore and treat her with neglect. I like the leafy hands image, but I would stay away from emphasizing the "maple leaf" aspect, as that carries much connotative baggage.

Luck on your next edit (as you say),

Oh yeah, almost forgot. The title is cute as well as alliterative.

Dale

Dale, thank you for the thorough analysis and well thought out recommendations for this poem. Many of those substitutions are right on.

One clarification, road vipers are a metaphor for cast off re-treads, not the roads themselves. I saw the image of these coiled nasties as quite menacing. I have a 'Ku' posted called 'Serpents of the Orbital' that inspired me to use them again. Southern truckers call them road gators. They create a hostile image and depict the daunting condition for this young tree.

As for the ending, I am stressing the twenty year maturity time and the huge conversion factor of one gallon of sap to yield one tablespoon of syrup to suggest the arduous journey ahead of her, the 'aspiration' if you will. However, your suggestion of her nurturing us despite her treatment and neglect is a very intriguing take. I will think on both aspects. They may even work in combination. Much obliged./Chris

[bena]

finally I catch something from the start where I can say something useful (hopefully)

Acer Aspirations

Standing off center ?
in the loop of a cloverleaf
like a flagstick on a golf green,
a sapling waves her maple leaf hands. She burgeons triumphantly,
peering over rubber and rubble.

She yields to a cyclone
of car exhaust
that whirls sugary straws
pursued by eager flies. She's encircled
by coiled road vipers,
vulcanized serpents stinking
of sulfur and petroleum.

She might be overlooked,
if not for the ruby foliage
contrasting dull granite stones
about her tender roots. It's doubtful
that anyone will notice her,
see this marvel of survival
or realize that in two decades

one gallon of her sap
could provide enough syrup
for one morning waffle.

Really like most of this write, you have something good going with reminding us not to overlook the important things in life.

love ya, \
mel.

[ChristopherSea]

finally I catch something from the start where I can say something useful (hopefully)

Acer Aspirations

Standing off center ?
in the loop of a cloverleaf
like a flagstick on a golf green,
a sapling waves her maple leaf hands. She burgeons triumphantly,
peering over rubber and rubble.

She yields to a cyclone
of car exhaust
that whirls sugary straws
pursued by eager flies. She's encircled
by coiled road vipers,
vulcanized serpents stinking
of sulfur and petroleum.

She might be overlooked,
if not for the ruby foliage
contrasting dull granite stones
about her tender roots. It's doubtful
that anyone will notice her,
see this marvel of survival
or realize that in two decades

one gallon of her sap
could provide enough syrup
for one morning waffle.

Really like most of this write, you have something good going with reminding us not to overlook the important things in life.

love ya, \
mel.

Some good ideas doll, glad to see you up and about. You always have something useful to say Melanie, thank you.

Off-center looks good to me.

I think that I could have stretched more of that highway biome and hazard imagery across the first two stanzas to soften the blitz. Let me see what I can do with it.

I'm glad you were routing for this little tree, I certainly am. I don't feel the ending marginalizes this sugar maple at all, but I think I see how another could see it that way. The intention was to illustrate how man does not appreciate the 'fruits of nature'.

The maple's precious offering of syrup is the result of decades of growth and gallons of sap. This gift is renewable if done properly. I will definitely scrutinize my close.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and ideas on this one. Between the critiques from you and Dale, I have enough fro my next edit. Cheers xoxo/Chris

[bbcashdollar]

Dale/bena edit 1 thank you

Acer Aspiration<-- what is the tree aspiring towards, or is the piece's aspiration for the tree?

Standing off-center
in one loop of a cloverleaf
like a flagstick on a golf green,
a young maple waves her leafy hands.
She's encircled by vulcanized road vipers.
Undaunted, she flourishes triumphantly
over rubber and rubble.

The sapling yields to a cyclone
of car exhaust that twirls sugary straws
pursued by fervent flies.
She's nearly invisible in the whirlwind,
if not for her ruby autumn foliage
contrasting the dull granite shards
threatening her tender roots. <--not sure this is consistent with triumphantly

Motorists won’t notice this miracle
of survival or realize the decades
it will take her to mature
or appreciate that she’ll donate
two gallons of her sap <-- does anyone tap trees in medians?
to provide just enough syrup
for their morning waffles.

-----------------------------------
Acer Aspirations

Standing off center
in the loop of a cloverleaf
like a flagstick on a golf green,
a sapling waves her maple leaf hands.
She burgeons triumphantly,
peering over rubber and rubble.

She yields to a cyclone
of car exhaust
that whirls sugary straws
pursued by eager flies. She's encircled
by coiled road vipers,
vulcanized serpents stinking
of sulfur and petroleum.

She might be overlooked,
if not for the ruby foliage
contrasting dull granite stones
about her tender roots. It's doubtful
that anyone will notice her,
see this marvel of survival
or realize that in two decades

one gallon of her sap
could provide enough syrup
for one morning waffle.

First thought: Harold and Maude. If you've seen it you know. I'm not sure if I understand the focus. On one hand there's the power of life to over come and find a way. On the other there's a lack of awareness by the motorists as they drive by, and then there's the carelessness of the planners who thought a narrow median (I'm guessing it's narrow) would be a perfect place for a tree. I'm not sure if it needs a specific focus, however I would prefer it if the tree wasn't anthropomorphized. I don't think it adds anything to the piece.

[ChristopherSea]

Dale/bena edit 1 thank you

Acer Aspiration<-- what is the tree aspiring towards, or is the piece's aspiration for the tree?

Standing off-center
in one loop of a cloverleaf
like a flagstick on a golf green,
a young maple waves her leafy hands.
She's encircled by vulcanized road vipers.
Undaunted, she flourishes triumphantly
over rubber and rubble.

The sapling yields to a cyclone
of car exhaust that twirls sugary straws
pursued by fervent flies.
She's nearly invisible in the whirlwind,
if not for her ruby autumn foliage
contrasting the dull granite shards
threatening her tender roots. <--not sure this is consistent with triumphantly

Motorists won’t notice this miracle
of survival or realize the decades
it will take her to mature
or appreciate that she’ll donate
two gallons of her sap <-- does anyone tap trees in medians?
to provide just enough syrup
for their morning waffles.

-----------------------------------
Acer Aspirations

Standing off center
in the loop of a cloverleaf
like a flagstick on a golf green,
a sapling waves her maple leaf hands.
She burgeons triumphantly,
peering over rubber and rubble.

She yields to a cyclone
of car exhaust
that whirls sugary straws
pursued by eager flies. She's encircled
by coiled road vipers,
vulcanized serpents stinking
of sulfur and petroleum.

She might be overlooked,
if not for the ruby foliage
contrasting dull granite stones
about her tender roots. It's doubtful
that anyone will notice her,
see this marvel of survival
or realize that in two decades

one gallon of her sap
could provide enough syrup
for one morning waffle.

First thought: Harold and Maude. If you've seen it you know. I'm not sure if I understand the focus. On one hand there's the power of life to over come and find a way. On the other there's a lack of awareness by the motorists as they drive by, and then there's the carelessness of the planners who thought a narrow median (I'm guessing it's narrow) would be a perfect place for a tree. I'm not sure if it needs a specific focus, however I would prefer it if the tree wasn't anthropomorphized. I don't think it adds anything to the piece.

bbcd, Thanks for taking a look and sharing your reactions. The tree was not planned, but an accident/opportunity of nature. However, a cloverleaf loop is a large area (100s of square feet). I thought the plot and theme were self-evident. I will take another close look nonetheless. Just surviving is triumphant. It's aspiration is survival, but the double entendre is welcomed.

Primarily, the poem is about overcoming the odds and my respect for what nature offers us. It's at least 20 years of maturity and tens of gallons of sap to produce that little 6 oz bottle of maple syrup (whether you tap it or not, that amazing revelation stands). In the area of New England where I live many of the sugar maples are tapped.

You probably have to be a tree-hugger to appreciate giving the tree an identity. However, I can care more about some trees that certain humans.

Thanks again./Chris

[ellajam]

Hi, Chris, I've been enjoying this and, as usual, you've done an effective edit. A few notes:

Dale/bena edit 1 thank you

Acer Aspiration

Standing off-center
in one loop of a cloverleaf
like a flagstick on a golf green,
a young maple waves her leafy hands. Clear image, I know that tree.
She's encircled by vulcanized road vipers. Good change in position here, it works.
Undaunted, she flourishes triumphantly
over rubber and rubble. Nice sound and accurate description, well done.

The sapling yields to a cyclone
of car exhaust that twirls sugary straws
pursued by fervent flies. Fervent flies are a bit much for me after sugary straws.
She's nearly invisible in the whirlwind,
if not for her ruby autumn foliage
contrasting the dull granite shards
threatening her tender roots. Again, clear image and I can feel the sharpness.

Motorists won’t notice this miracle
of survival or realize the decades
it will take her to mature
or appreciate that she’ll donate
two gallons of her sap
to provide just enough syrup
for their morning waffles.

You noticed, so maybe "Most motorists don't notice this miracle." I think "of survival or realize the decades it will take her to mature or" could be cut, I think the lines after it say this and say it in a more interesting way. I love the end.



-----------------------------------
Acer Aspirations

Standing off center
in the loop of a cloverleaf
like a flagstick on a golf green,
a sapling waves her maple leaf hands.
She burgeons triumphantly,
peering over rubber and rubble.

She yields to a cyclone
of car exhaust
that whirls sugary straws
pursued by eager flies. She's encircled
by coiled road vipers,
vulcanized serpents stinking
of sulfur and petroleum.

She might be overlooked,
if not for the ruby foliage
contrasting dull granite stones
about her tender roots. It's doubtful
that anyone will notice her,
see this marvel of survival
or realize that in two decades

one gallon of her sap
could provide enough syrup
for one morning waffle.

Hope this helps, good work here.

[ChristopherSea]

Yes, it does help, thanks so much Marcella. I was wondering if that double alliteration blitz would be too much, perhaps eager flies or a cloud of some sort would play out better. I see what you mean about the closing stanza. Some of that was built up to address some one else's concern. Let me see what I can do with it. Cheers/Chris

I have a new edit based on your suggestions. Much obliged.

[ChristopherSea]

Dale/bena/ella edit 2 is posted, thanks folks!