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To my burning churning throbbing mind,
You sickening, black tar'd beast.
You occupy me constantly,
You tainted weighty thing.
My darling manic bastion.
Without you I am no-one.
To my dumb ignorant sense of pride,
you thick and unwavering idiot.
You are my golden armour,
broken and battered.
Shine on.
Without you I suffer.
To my deathly hateful gaze,
you cynical miserable eye.
You are my purifier,
my unforgiving guard.
Stay the walls.
Without you I am a sheep.
At last to you my burning passion,
she ignite's my phoenix heart.
She is my light,
my muse.
Keep the peace my saving grace.
Without you I'm forsaken
Posts: 15
Threads: 4
Joined: May 2013
My saving grace
To my burning churning throbbing mind,
You sickening, black tar'd beast.
You occupy me constantly,
You tainted weighty thing.
My darling manic bastion.
Without you I am no-one.
To my dumb ignorant sense of pride,
you thick and unwavering idiot.
You are my golden armour,
broken and battered.
Shine on.
Without you I suffer.
To my deathly hateful gaze,
you cynical miserable eye.
You are my purifier,
my unforgiving guard.
Stay the walls.
Without you I am a sheep.
At last to you my burning passion,
she ignite's my phoenix heart.
She is my light,
my muse.
Keep the peace my saving grace.
Without you I'm forsaken
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Threads: 1
Joined: Mar 2014
(04-03-2014, 04:39 PM)ernestgoodwell Wrote: My saving grace
To my burning churning throbbing mind,
You sickening, black tar'd beast.
You occupy me constantly,
You tainted weighty thing.
My darling manic bastion.
Without you I am no-one.
To my dumb ignorant sense of pride,
you thick and unwavering idiot.
You are my golden armour,
broken and battered.
Shine on.
Without you I suffer.
To my deathly hateful gaze,
you cynical miserable eye.
You are my purifier,
my unforgiving guard.
Stay the walls.
Without you I am a sheep.
At last to you my burning passion,
she ignite's my phoenix heart.
She is my light,
my muse.
Keep the peace my saving grace.
Without you I'm forsaken
Hello EG, I find this muddled, if there is a central theme I cannot discern it. I thought the first verse was about depression.
The second verse did not tie into that though unless I am missing something. I could not fathom out what your "golden armour" was. Is it the "she" in verse 4?.
Why are you "more than a sheep" because of a "hateful gaze", or "cynical eye"? the abstract nature of the verse leaves me wondering what is going on. Is the "she" in verse 4, the "purifier" in this verse.
Verse 4, could use a fresher angle.
Seeya. JG
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Joined: Jan 2013
(04-02-2014, 07:40 AM)ernestgoodwell Wrote: To my burning churning throbbing mind,
You sickening, black tar'd beast.
You occupy me constantly,
You tainted weighty thing.
My darling manic bastion.
Without you I am no-one.
You might want to think about removing or changing one of the "You's". Tarred is a word, so I see no reason to use tar'd. I have no idea what you mean by "weighty thing".
To my dumb ignorant sense of pride,
you thick and unwavering idiot.
You are my golden armour,
broken and battered.
Shine on.
Without you I suffer.
Dumb, ignorant, thick and idiot all mean essentially the same thing, I found using all four of them unnecessary. It's broken and battered, yet still shining? Seems like a contradiction to me. Also, Shine on could be considered cliché (mostly by Pink Floyd fans).
To my deathly hateful gaze,
you cynical miserable eye.
You are my purifier,
my unforgiving guard.
Stay the walls.
Without you I am a sheep.
Calling a gaze an eye doesn't make much sense to me.
At last to you my burning passion,
she ignite's my phoenix heart.
She is my light,
my muse.
Keep the peace my saving grace.
Without you I'm forsaken
I'm confused as to what your burning passion is; is it a love for a women? Art? It's never clarified.
Those were just my thoughts as I read it. Through the first three stanzas I thought this was something of an anti-Buddhist/hindu message about the benefits of an ego. The last stanza confused me however, and I'm not sure what the central theme is.
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Threads: 27
Joined: Apr 2014
To my burning churning throbbing mind,
You sickening, black tar'd beast. -The meaning is unclear here – is it your mind that is a sickening black tarred beast or the woman in verse 4?
You occupy me constantly,
You tainted weighty thing. -Again, is it the mind or the (dirty & plump?) woman which occupies the writer?
My darling manic bastion.
Without you I am no-one.
To my dumb ignorant sense of pride,
you thick and unwavering idiot.
You are my golden armour,
broken and battered.
Shine on.
Without you I suffer. -Again, who/what is the writer addressing? Is it his sense of pride, or the woman? Why broken and battered?
To my deathly hateful gaze,
you cynical miserable eye.
You are my purifier,
my unforgiving guard.
Stay the walls. – stay (within) the walls?
Without you I am a sheep.-This basically says my hateful sight is my purifier and guard. Doesn’t make much sense. And the sheep – why a biblical reference?
At last to you my burning passion,
she ignite's my phoenix heart. -nice
She is my light,
my muse.
Keep the peace my saving grace.
Without you I'm forsaken - This verse keeps changing tense.
I like this – it has potential. You start out addressing mind, pride, vision and passion (interesting take) then confuse these with the woman. Perhaps if you followed what you seem to have started in verse one, where the first four lines refer to the writer’s mind, and the next two refer to the woman, it might make more sense? You’re either addressing these attributes or the woman – but this is not clear. In the last verse you’re both talking to and about the woman at the same time, you can fix this by making ‘she ignites’ – ‘you ignite’, and ‘she is my light’ – ‘you are my light’, in keeping with the ‘you’ in the last lines of the other verses.
Hope that helps.
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Joined: Apr 2014
My saving grace- Good title
To my burning churning throbbing mind,
You sickening, black tar'd beast.
You occupy me constantly,
You tainted weighty thing. Is this a burden on ones soul or a heavy object
My darling manic bastion.}
Without you I am no-one.} I don't know what this says about me but I think these two lines work quit well.
To my dumb ignorant sense of pride,
you thick and unwavering idiot.
You are my golden armour,
broken and battered.
Shine on.
Without you I suffer.
To my deathly hateful gaze,
you cynical miserable eye.
You are my purifier,
my unforgiving guard.
Stay the walls.
Without you I am a sheep.
At last to you my burning passion,
she ignite's my phoenix heart.
She is my light,
my muse.
Keep the peace my saving grace.
Without you I'm forsaken
You have received some very good input from others here. If you truly wish to be a writer of poetry or other forms of written expression you must READ OFTEN and write often. Then Read every thing that you have written Over and Over. Stay on this site as often as possible, there is much opportunity learn here.
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Pretty sure "ignite's" doesn't need to be possessive, and as WJames points out "tar'd" makes no sense. I would only make sense it this were in a meter and you need to create a one syllable contraction from a two syllable word. It seemed to me you probably read some poetry, but failed to comprehend why the device was used and inserted it here because it looked like poetry. I interpret this as a kind of "Wind beneath my Wings" tribute, although I would say that is far from obvious. There is a person or thing that advises you of the truth and keeps you from making a fool of your self, thus you hate her/it at times because you are prevented from sating your baser desires, but grateful on retrospect that her/it have kept you from making a fool of yourself, or worse. At some points it appears you are addressing your own consciousness, at other times it appears you are addressing an external entity, a girl, a lover, etc.
The down side to this is that is extremely unclear, and to a large degree senseless. Tarred I can understand as something that sticks to you that you can't get rid of, but "You sickening, black tar'd beast."
Tar is black,
this is true,
I know this,
so do you!
Not only do you take aspects of yourself and project them externally, but they are also anthropomorphized. Such convolution benefits no one, especially the poem.
Because this is so overly convoluted the reader is at a lost to identify to whom you speak, unless it is actually to your own mind you speak, which implies narcissistic self-absorption. I don't think that is it, but with what we have here it is one of the possibilities.
However, it is not my job as the reader to pick one of the above and assemble my own poem. I say this so often I get tired of having to state it, but the job of a poet is not to make what is clear obscure, but to make what is obscure clear.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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At last to you my burning gut
Igniteth thy Phoenix heart;
thy veins are blight
In your greasy light,
my Billy.
Keep the check, please, my saving grace,
For without you I'm forsaken.
*Warning: blatant tomfoolery above this line
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