The Kids Ain't Alright (Formerly Scoop Him Up) edit #2.1

[ellajam]

re: tonal

I like the portrait of the child at the start - spot on.

I like...

"reclaiming their worn out
party shoes, but what glittered is guilt
ridden,"

Especially the placement of 'ridden'.

But there is in general, too much of the feckless poor.

It's like you are saying something about yourself rather than them - if the kid was mine... yadda, yadda....

Thanks, I'll surely take that onto consideration on the next edit, see if I can clean that out.

[jeremyyoung]

I just wanted to say there is much merit in the piece.

[ellajam]

I just wanted to say there is much merit in the piece.

No worries, I appreciate your honesty and it is up to me what becomes of the piece. I enjoy all the different critique voices on this site, and hopefully at the end I've edited to improvement and not obliteration.

I think your point of tone has merit, thanks.

[ellajam]

Well, I've taken another swing at this one. Thanks again for the help, each comment was considered, and reconsidered , I hope I've done justice to the insight you all shared.

Title change again, and I'm still not right with it. I've tried to be a bit less nasty, hopefully the edge has moved but not disappeared. I hope you all will let me know if I'm headed in the right direction or if I've slaughtered the poor thing.

[ChristopherSea]

edit #2 The Kids Ain't Alright

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

Iced-over snow blocks
the front door, fills
the driveway emptied
of repossessed jeeps and mustangs.
Young parents bitterly blame
each other, quick to reclaim their worn
out party shoes; but what glitters is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love for him as they flee
their mess. He runs wild and screams
demands, mimicking his heroes.


edit #1 One Boy

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

His home's abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.
Unshoveled snow blocks
the doorway, fills the driveway emptied
of repossessed cars.

Self-absorbed, his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled, each blaming
the other, reclaiming their worn out
party shoes, but what glittered is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee their mess.
He runs wild and screams demands,
as all children mimic their heroes.

Original Scoop Him Up

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

A foot of unshoveled
snow blocks the doorway,
a house abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.

"Too young, too young
for this", his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled and running.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee.
He runs wild and screams
demands, thoroughly taught.

Marcella, Does the title refer to the parents or the child? If child, then 'Kid ain't alright' would be better to focus on the one and not others suffering the same fate. The same goes for the 'jeeps' and 'mustangs', 'jeep' and 'mustang', unless they had more than one of each. A line break after 'glitters' might be more intriguing. The ending's seemingly contradiction with the kiss/love, do you need that? Why not something like: They leave him with grandma, casting away love as they flee (or something along those lines). In the final line, 'thoroughly' may be overkill. It denotes purposeful teaching. '...as taught' would be simpler and may come off more poignant, at least in my eye. See what you think. Thanks for the post./Chris

[ellajam]

edit #2 The Kids Ain't Alright

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

Iced-over snow blocks
the front door, fills
the driveway emptied
of repossessed jeeps and mustangs.
Young parents bitterly blame
each other, quick to reclaim their worn
out party shoes; but what glitters is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love for him as they flee
their mess. He runs wild and screams
demands, mimicking his heroes.


edit #1 One Boy

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

His home's abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.
Unshoveled snow blocks
the doorway, fills the driveway emptied
of repossessed cars.

Self-absorbed, his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled, each blaming
the other, reclaiming their worn out
party shoes, but what glittered is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee their mess.
He runs wild and screams demands,
as all children mimic their heroes.

Original Scoop Him Up

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

A foot of unshoveled
snow blocks the doorway,
a house abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.

"Too young, too young
for this", his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled and running.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee.
He runs wild and screams
demands, thoroughly taught.

Marcella, Does the title refer to the parents or the child? If child, then 'Kid ain't alright' would be better to focus on the one and not others suffering the same fate. The same goes for the 'jeeps' and 'mustangs', 'jeep' and 'mustang', unless they had more than one of each. A line break after 'glitters' might be more intriguing. The ending's seemingly contradiction with the kiss/love, do you need that? Why not something like: They leave him with grandma, casting away love as they flee (or something along those lines). In the final line, 'thoroughly' may be overkill. It denotes purposeful teaching. '...as taught' would be simpler and may come off more poignant, at least in my eye. See what you think. Thanks for the post./Chris

Thanks, Chris. The plural title applies to both parents and child, but that's an issue I've had throughout, I guess this edit doesn't resolve it. Thanks for pointing that out.

I know, I just liked the sound of the plural cars better, but you're right.

I am trying to show at the end that they do love the child, just are unable center their lives on him, unsuccessful again, I guess.

"Thoroughly taught" is already gone, Jump up to the top edit, any better?

Thanks for the read and notes.

[ChristopherSea]

edit #2 The Kids Ain't Alright

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

Iced-over snow blocks
the front door, fills
the driveway emptied
of repossessed jeeps and mustangs.
Young parents bitterly blame
each other, quick to reclaim their worn
out party shoes; but what glitters is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love for him as they flee
their mess. He runs wild and screams
demands, mimicking his heroes.


edit #1 One Boy

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

His home's abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.
Unshoveled snow blocks
the doorway, fills the driveway emptied
of repossessed cars.

Self-absorbed, his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled, each blaming
the other, reclaiming their worn out
party shoes, but what glittered is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee their mess.
He runs wild and screams demands,
as all children mimic their heroes.

Original Scoop Him Up

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

A foot of unshoveled
snow blocks the doorway,
a house abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.

"Too young, too young
for this", his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled and running.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee.
He runs wild and screams
demands, thoroughly taught.

Marcella, Does the title refer to the parents or the child? If child, then 'Kid ain't alright' would be better to focus on the one and not others suffering the same fate. The same goes for the 'jeeps' and 'mustangs', 'jeep' and 'mustang', unless they had more than one of each. A line break after 'glitters' might be more intriguing. The ending's seemingly contradiction with the kiss/love, do you need that? Why not something like: They leave him with grandma, casting away love as they flee (or something along those lines). In the final line, 'thoroughly' may be overkill. It denotes purposeful teaching. '...as taught' would be simpler and may come off more poignant, at least in my eye. See what you think. Thanks for the post./Chris

Thanks, Chris. The plural title applies to both parents and child, but that's an issue I've had throughout, I guess this edit doesn't resolve it. Thanks for pointing that out.

I know, I just liked the sound of the plural cars better, but you're right.

I am trying to show at the end that they do love the child, just are unable center their lives on him, unsuccessful again, I guess.

"Thoroughly taught" is already gone, Jump up to the top edit, any better?

Thanks for the read and notes.

Whoops, sorry about mixing versions. What about: ...fills the empty driveway, jeep and mustang repossessed.

The ending is better. '...aping his heroes' (or keepers) may be more striking. However, I don't know the whole story being portrayed.

[jeremyyoung]

For me it's still that journey from sweet to sour that jars - the picture of the kid so likeable, yet the narrator is so harsh and judgmental about the parents - and only really offers materialist/superficial reasons for why they are bad parents.

I like that 'reclaim' picks up on 'repossessed', but I wonder if filled or littered would work better than 'emptied'.

[ellajam]

What about: ...fills the empty driveway, jeep and mustang repossessed.

The ending is better. '...aping his heroes' (or keepers) may be more striking. However, I don't know the whole story be portrayed.[/b]

A definite switch on repossessed, I wasn't happy with the mustang break, why couldn't I think of that?

I'll keep thinking on the end, thanks.

[71degrees]

edit #2.1 The Kids Ain't Alright (Chris)

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

Iced-over snow blocks
the front door and fills the empty
driveway, mustang and jeep repossessed.
Young parents bitterly blame
each other, quick to reclaim their worn
out party shoes; but what glitters is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love for him as they flee
their mess. He runs wild and screams
demands, mimicking his heroes.

edit #2 The Kids Ain't Alright

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

Iced-over snow blocks
the front door, fills
the driveway emptied
of repossessed jeeps and mustangs.
Young parents bitterly blame
each other, quick to reclaim their worn
out party shoes; but what glitters is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love for him as they flee
their mess. He runs wild and screams
demands, mimicking his heroes.


edit #1 One Boy

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

His home's abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.
Unshoveled snow blocks
the doorway, fills the driveway emptied
of repossessed cars.

Self-absorbed, his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled, each blaming
the other, reclaiming their worn out
party shoes, but what glittered is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee their mess.
He runs wild and screams demands,
as all children mimic their heroes.

Original Scoop Him Up

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

A foot of unshoveled
snow blocks the doorway,
a house abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.

"Too young, too young
for this", his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled and running.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee.
He runs wild and screams
demands, thoroughly taught.

Poem progression is always a fascinating process to watch. My three cents: word choices - "crooked curtain" while nicely alliterative is visually odd to me. Curtains are cloth. Can they be crooked? "squashed" connotes something else is there doing the squashing. Also odd. The snow would logically be "unshoveled" if it were blocking the door. This is redundant. I do understand the image of "abandonment" but the house is really not abandoned at the end so again, logically, the word choice doesn't fit. There is a big difference in meaning between "taught" and "learned"....which one do you mean here? The parents are gone. The kid remains. Who has done the teaching and who has been taught? Not sure of the message at the end.

The "idea" of this poem is cool. The progression is even more cool. I am enjoying the process from afar.

[ellajam]

For me it's still that journey from sweet to sour that jars - the picture of the kid so likeable, yet the narrator is so harsh and judgmental about the parents - and only really offers materialist/superficial reasons for why they are bad parents.

I like that 'reclaim' picks up on 'repossessed', but I wonder if filled or littered would work better than 'emptied'.

Hi Jeremy, thanks for stopping back, your response is very interesting to me. I can live with the poem being jarring, the situation is. While I am a bit disappointed that it didn't come through as less harsh in the edit, I think that may be as far as this poem will go. The parents are currently unable to focus on their roles as parents, does it matter why? Will fleshing out the details of how they reached this point make a difference? Will the situation change even if they are blameless?

I may have to leave it there, thanks for pushing me to think about it.

---

edit #2.1 The Kids Ain't Alright (Chris)

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

Iced-over snow blocks
the front door and fills the empty
driveway, mustang and jeep repossessed.
Young parents bitterly blame
each other, quick to reclaim their worn
out party shoes; but what glitters is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love for him as they flee
their mess. He runs wild and screams
demands, mimicking his heroes.

edit #2 The Kids Ain't Alright

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

Iced-over snow blocks
the front door, fills
the driveway emptied
of repossessed jeeps and mustangs.
Young parents bitterly blame
each other, quick to reclaim their worn
out party shoes; but what glitters is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love for him as they flee
their mess. He runs wild and screams
demands, mimicking his heroes.


edit #1 One Boy

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

His home's abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.
Unshoveled snow blocks
the doorway, fills the driveway emptied
of repossessed cars.

Self-absorbed, his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled, each blaming
the other, reclaiming their worn out
party shoes, but what glittered is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee their mess.
He runs wild and screams demands,
as all children mimic their heroes.

Original Scoop Him Up

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

A foot of unshoveled
snow blocks the doorway,
a house abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.

"Too young, too young
for this", his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled and running.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee.
He runs wild and screams
demands, thoroughly taught.

Poem progression is always a fascinating process to watch. My three cents: word choices - "crooked curtain" while nicely alliterative is visually odd to me. Curtains are cloth. Can they be crooked? "squashed" connotes something else is there doing the squashing. Also odd. The snow would logically be "unshoveled" if it were blocking the door. This is redundant. I do understand the image of "abandonment" but the house is really not abandoned at the end so again, logically, the word choice doesn't fit. There is a big difference in meaning between "taught" and "learned"....which one do you mean here? The parents are gone. The kid remains. Who has done the teaching and who has been taught? Not sure of the message at the end.

The "idea" of this poem is cool. The progression is even more cool. I am enjoying the process from afar.

Hi, 71, thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.

That poor crooked curtain, no one believes it. It actually sags in the middle, I don't want to leave it looking correct, I'll think of something.

He squashes his nose against the pane because it's funny, I'll think on it.

I've already abandoned abandoned, unshoveled, and taught, most recent edit on top.

Again, thanks for the notes, they are appreciated.

[Ui Domhnaill]

I love the rhythm of the first part...it goes missing thereafter..the whole of it is impressive....more to come...just read it

[ellajam]

I love the rhythm of the first part...it goes missing thereafter..the whole of it is impressive....more to come...just read it

Welcome, Ui, and thanks for reading and commenting.

Anything you can tell me about how you perceive this will be greatly helpful with my next edit, no rush, glad you stopped in.