Phantom

[alatos]

Edit 1:

As sun-burnt masses scurried to their cars,
the black front thundered towards the emptied shore;
the lightning tore ionic, spectral scars
across the sky above the sea-side moor.
A darkness drawn by winds and cast by clouds
had thrown its witching shadow on the sands;
it drove away the sunshine with the crowds,
to storm the castles built by tiny hands.

And there I saw her, standing in the tide
that foamed and frothed and swirled around her feet.
She turned to me and smiled. Something less,
maybe more, than human electrified
my heart within those eyes: it skipped a beat…
a phantom in a yellow summer dress.


As sun-burnt masses scurried to their cars,
the black front thundered towards the emptied shore;
the lightning tore ionic, jagged scars
across the sky above the sea-side moor.
A darkness drawn by winds and cast by clouds
had thrown its witching shadow on the sands;
it drove away the sunshine and the crowds,
to storm the castles built with tiny hands.

And there I saw her, standing in the tide
that sprayed and pulled and swirled around her feet.
She turned to me and smiled. Something less,
maybe more, than human electrified
my heart within those eyes: it skipped a beat…
a phantom in a yellow summer dress.

[Wilx]

pretty good, kind of alluring and mysterious. Could use more substance.

[Leanne]

pretty good, kind of alluring and mysterious. Could use more substance.

So could your comment. Please familiarise yourself with the critique guidelines here/ Admin

[Erthona]

alatos,

This makes no sense to me "the lightning tore ionic", is this supposed to be an allusion to Ionia? Or do you mean that lightening tore ionized jagged scars..."

Instead of saying "the black front thundered towards the emptied shore;" why not something like

"black clouds boiled towards the..."

Then "A darkness drawn by winds" Darkness cannot be drawn by winds. Dark clouds can be pushed by winds.

It seems like about every line your word usage is off. It's like my kid who says "on mistake" and "by purpose". English is very idiomatic, and when you get one wrong it sticks out like a sore thumb. Most of your problem seem related to idioms. Mostly just small things. Like "I saw her, standing in the tide". The tide is the height of the water in relation to the beach, it's height increases or decreases over a 12 hour period. What I think you are really trying to describe is the action of the waves.

I saw her standing in the sea as the receding waves pulled at her,
coming back they sprayed her, then submissively swirled around her feet.

Of course if "sun-burnt masses scurried to their cars" she would probably be getting knocked down by the 12 foot waves that were coming in on the storm surge.

As this is the section it is, I think that is all I better comment on, but I think you really need to look at idiomatic usage in English as it seems one of your main stumbling blocks.

Dale

[alatos]

alatos,

This makes no sense to me "the lightning tore ionic", is this supposed to be an allusion to Ionia? Or do you mean that lightening tore ionized jagged scars..." - Lightning is caused by ions

Instead of saying "the black front thundered towards the emptied shore;" why not something like

"black clouds boiled towards the..." - I chose the verb 'thundered' because they are both figuratively thundering forward, and literally thundering

Then "A darkness drawn by winds" Darkness cannot be drawn by winds. Dark clouds can be pushed by winds. - of course literally speaking. I mean darkness can't be pushed or pulled or really manipulated at all as far as I know.... but watching the darkness fall from an oncoming storm across the beach, which I have done quite a few times, I've often felt like it's being pulled behind the wind. The wind comes first, and you can watch a line of shadows being 'drug along' behind them.

It seems like about every line your word usage is off. It's like my kid who says "on mistake" and "by purpose". English is very idiomatic, and when you get one wrong it sticks out like a sore thumb. Most of your problem seem related to idioms. Mostly just small things. Like "I saw her, standing in the tide". The tide is the height of the water in relation to the beach, it's height increases or decreases over a 12 hour period. What I think you are really trying to describe is the action of the waves. - tide also refers to the movement of the water as it is flowing or ebbing.

I saw her standing in the sea as the receding waves pulled at her,
coming back they sprayed her, then submissively swirled around her feet.

Of course if "sun-burnt masses scurried to their cars" she would probably be getting knocked down by the 12 foot waves that were coming in on the storm surge. - it is only a thunderstorm that I'm describing, not a hurricane

As this is the section it is, I think that is all I better comment on, but I think you really need to look at idiomatic usage in English as it seems one of your main stumbling blocks.

Dale

Thanks for your time and advice. It's appreciated

[billy]

a good effort at the sonnet. i struggled a little in places but overall it was okay. more than okay. the first line set the poem up as the unexpected summer storm. the phantom girl at the end tied the poem to the title though she was the drum role of the poem she sort of didn't play a big enough role. it was an enjoyable read and doesn't need too much of edit

As sun-burnt masses scurried to their cars,
the black front thundered towards the emptied shore; a suggest would be to instead of toward which should sort the meter out
the lightning tore ionic, jagged scars this line had to be said a few times, i wounder if different punctuation would help [tore ionic-jagged scars] i'd also suggest and instead of the at the beginning of the line
across the sky above the sea-side moor. good line, i normally associate moor with grasslands etc.
A darkness drawn by winds and cast by clouds
had thrown its witching shadow on the sands;
it drove away the sunshine and the crowds,
and stormed the castles built with tiny hands. a suggest would be [then] to start the line so as not to have two consecutive and's

And there I saw her, standing in the tide
that sprayed and pulled and swirled around her feet.
She turned to me and smiled. Something less, half a foot short
maybe more, than human electrified i'm struggling with the meter here, a suggest is [maybe more human had electrified] not sure if it's any better.
my heart within those eyes: it skipped a beat…
a phantom in a yellow summer dress.

[Carousal]

As sun-burnt masses scurried to their cars,
the black front thundered towards the emptied shore;
the lightning tore ionic, jagged scars
across the sky above the sea-side moor. -- sea-side moor? I’m struggling with this.
A darkness drawn by winds and cast by clouds
had thrown its witching shadow on the sands;
it drove away the sunshine and the crowds,
and stormed the castles built with tiny hands--. I think the tide would be more likely to storm sandcastles than shadows

And there I saw her, standing in the tide
that sprayed and pulled and swirled around her feet.—overdoing the image a touch
She turned to me and smiled. Something less, -- Awkward line break
maybe more, than human electrified
my heart within those eyes: it skipped a beat…--do you really need the cliche?
a phantom in a yellow summer dress.

A fair piece that an edit will improve.

Regards Cari

[alatos]

Thanks, all. Billy yours was especially helpful.

---

a good effort at the sonnet. i struggled a little in places but overall it was okay. more than okay. the first line set the poem up as the unexpected summer storm. the phantom girl at the end tied the poem to the title though she was the drum role of the poem she sort of didn't play a big enough role. it was an enjoyable read and doesn't need too much of edit

As sun-burnt masses scurried to their cars,
the black front thundered towards the emptied shore; a suggest would be to instead of toward which should sort the meter out - I think we have a difference in pronunciation here. I say towards with one syllable...
the lightning tore ionic, jagged scars this line had to be said a few times, i wounder if different punctuation would help [tore ionic-jagged scars] i'd also suggest and instead of the at the beginning of the line
across the sky above the sea-side moor. good line, i normally associate moor with grasslands etc. - I was trying to fit the supernatural theme of the poem, and I usually associate moors with desolate wastelands... but also witchcraft (I think the witches in macbeth are on a moor?)
A darkness drawn by winds and cast by clouds
had thrown its witching shadow on the sands;
it drove away the sunshine and the crowds,
and stormed the castles built with tiny hands. a suggest would be [then] to start the line so as not to have two consecutive and's

And there I saw her, standing in the tide
that sprayed and pulled and swirled around her feet.
She turned to me and smiled. Something less, half a foot short - again, i think it's a pronunciation different. i say smiled with two syllables... maybe that's it?
maybe more, than human electrified i'm struggling with the meter here, a suggest is [maybe more human had electrified] not sure if it's any better. - I was trying for a change in meter to emphasize the electricity... like a jolt. but the more i think about it that might be dumb
my heart within those eyes: it skipped a beat…
a phantom in a yellow summer dress.

[billy]

fair enough with t'wards :J:

[ThePinsir]

A pretty nice sonnet! I think with this 8-6 sonnets the first stanza is supposed to have ABBAABBA - but whatever. It's your poem lol.

As sun-burnt masses scurried to their cars, good alliteration
the black front thundered towards the emptied shore;
the lightning tore ionic, spectral scars
across the sky above the sea-side moor.
A darkness drawn by winds and cast by clouds again, very nice
had thrown its witching shadow on the sands;
it drove away the sunshine with the crowds,
and stormed the castles built by tiny hands. the storm stormed the castles. Hehe.

And there I saw her, standing in the tide
that foamed and frothed and swirled around her feet.
She turned to me and smiled. Something less,
maybe more, than human electrified I don't mind the deviation from the normal meter here, but the place of enjambment makes it read kind of odd
my heart within those eyes: it skipped a beat…
a phantom in a yellow summer dress.

Overall, well done. The meter was great and the imagery was definitely there. Me gusta.