A weird attempt at free verse (I almost always rhyme)

[alatos]

Title says it all. I do not claim to know exactly what what I wrote here 'means.' I just wrote without self-criticism, edited, and came up with this strange piece of whatever.

First, love this earth you’ve sprung from.
Look at the way it writhes across the ground, under all ten of your toes and
all ten of your fingers.
Eat it. Eat it raw.
Shove your face into the ground and chew, and breathe heavily, smelling the
dampness, and feel the grit clumping under your
tongue and filling between your teeth.
Cover your naked self with the uncut grasses and clovers out
in that field.
Suck the dew off the tips of each blade. You are an infant, nursing.
Crawl. Don’t use words: there are none soon enough, subtle
enough, bubbling with delight enough.

The sound of the openness around you is your birthright of the eons.
An endless parade of experience.
An endless parade of leaves falling forever.
And endless parade of you, exploding unstoppably into
the universe, surrounded by everything so terribly beautiful.

[Erthona]

T. S. Eliot wrote, "No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job". Free verse, not to be confused with "free iambic verse", often such things as cadence as in Walt Whitman poems, or Allen Ginsberg lines of breath. Although it is free from the convention of strict form, it still incorporate that help support and convey the content, it is not abandoning all poetic devices and simply writing a pedantic diatribe tell others what they should do, such writing is more akin to a sermon than a poem. If you wish to write an advise column. You could make this more poetic by simply changing it to the first person, therefore you would be sharing you experience, not preaching. Example:


"I love this earth I've sprung from.
the way it writhes on the ground,
under my toes and fingers.
I love to eat it raw.
Shoving my face into the ground and chew,
breathing heavily, smelling the dampness.
I feel the grit clumping under my
tongue and filling between my teeth.
I cover my naked body with uncut grass
and clover from the field."


Best,


Dale

[ChristopherSea]

T. S. Eliot wrote, "No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job". Free verse, not to be confused with "free iambic verse", often such things as cadence as in Walt Whitman poems, or Allen Ginsberg lines of breath. Although it is free from the convention of strict form, it still incorporate that help support and convey the content, it is not abandoning all poetic devices and simply writing a pedantic diatribe tell others what they should do, such writing is more akin to a sermon than a poem. If you wish to write an advise column. You could make this more poetic by simply changing it to the first person, therefore you would be sharing you experience, not preaching. Example:


"I love this earth I've sprung from.
the way it writhes on the ground,
under my toes and fingers.
I love to eat it raw.
Shoving my face into the ground and chew,
breathing heavily, smelling the dampness.
I feel the grit clumping under my
tongue and filling between my teeth.
I cover my naked body with uncut grass
and clover from the field."


Best,


Dale

Isn't your reference to 'free iambic verse' a fancy way of saying 'Blank Verse'?

[Erthona]

"Blank Verse" is verse written in a metrical line (often in iambic pentameter as in Shakespearean plays) but lacking in rhyme. Free iambic verse has no designated line length and generally has some kind of rhyme, but the "free" comes from freedom from a static line length.

"LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats"

-from The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, T. S. Elliot

As you can see "I" and "Sky", as well as "streets" and "retreats" also rhyme. There is also the internal rhyme of "etherized", and the line length shifts from line to line. None of this is characteristic of "blank verse".

HOWEVER: I wasn't even talking about free iambic verse, I was simply making the distinction between it and "free verse".

Dale

[ChristopherSea]

"Blank Verse" is verse written in a metrical line (often in iambic pentameter as in Shakespearean plays) but lacking in rhyme. Free iambic verse has no designated line length and generally has some kind of rhyme, but the "free" comes from freedom from a static line length.

"LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats"

-from The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, T. S. Elliot

As you can see "I" and "Sky", as well as "streets" and "retreats" also rhyme. There is also the internal rhyme of "etherized", and the line length shifts from line to line. None of this is characteristic of "blank verse". Drop the 'First' it sounds too instructional.

HOWEVER: I wasn't even talking about free iambic verse, I was simply making the distinction between it and "free verse".

Dale

Much obliged for the explanation Dale!

Alatos, you have some good advice herein, especially for ruminants, vegans and Yoga enthusiasts! I immediately thought of a first person voice as well. It actually becomes less silly and more metaphorical that way. This was may favorite line:

Suck the dew off the tips of each blade. You are an infant, nursing.

Good luck with your next edit! Cheers/Chris

[kindofahippy]

The sound of the openness of everything around you is your birthright of the eons.

This brings to mind a vast, barren parking lot, or stretch of abandoned interstate in some post-apocalyctic age. I enjoy the sensual stimulation of this line.

An endless parade of experience.,
An endless parade of leaves falling forever.
And endless parade of you, exploding unstoppably into
the universe, surrounded by everything so terribly beautiful.

This sounds like the heartfelt cry of someone who has witnessed the natural world being destroyed on a scope far beyond what it currently is. Line 3, you mean't "an" not "and", right? Line four, this could be the culmination of a poem about healing the scars we humans have clawed into the face of the earth.

This stanza is the best in the poem, I'd say. It feels like this could tie into a much longer poem about the destructiveness of human history, and how it's never too late for one person to change their ways. It could be a beautiful piece about the conflict between nature and the toll humans have had on it to suit their desires.

[alatos]

Thanks a lot for all the help guys. A lot of people said it sounds preachy because I am using the second person. Which now that I look at it that way, I see. When I wrote it, I was addressing myself however. I will rework. You all have some great suggestions.

[cfgorman]

Title says it all. I do not claim to know exactly what what I wrote here 'means.' I just wrote without self-criticism, edited, and came up with this strange piece of whatever.

First, love this earth you’ve sprung from. 1st person would be more direct as noted by others

Look at the way it writhes across the ground, under all ten of your toes and
all ten of your fingers.
Eat it. Eat it raw.
Shove your face into the ground and chew, and breathe heavily, smelling the
dampness, and feel the grit clumping under your
tongue and filling between your teeth.
Cover your naked self with the uncut grasses and clovers out
in that field.
Suck the dew off the tips of each blade. You are an infant, nursing.
Crawl. Don’t use words: there are none soon enough, subtle
enough, bubbling with delight enough. This stanza is the heart of the poem. The language takes me right to where you want me to go. It is very clear and convincing.

The sound of the openness around you is your birthright of the eons.
An endless parade of experience.
An endless parade of leaves falling forever.
And endless parade of you, exploding unstoppably into
the universe, surrounded by everything so terribly beautiful. This stanza is a little vague. I am not really sure of what you are saying, although I like how your saying it.

---

[Esotericcorey]

Congratulations to your freedom. Even the word free has structure. I enjoyed reading the words you put down. Maybe free is similar to weird? And thats where the inspiration lies for me.

[Wilx]

not a big fan of free verse

[Leanne]

not a big fan of free verse

This is not critique. Please familiarise yourself with the rules of the Novice Forum before commenting further/ Admin

[witsentat]

I like this verse of yours.
Though I'm not sure how "free" it is.
Raw and honest. That is the key.
To make your free verse.
Truly free.
Write with blood and ink.
Write things that no one will read, until they go through your things after you've died.

[Leanne]

I like this verse of yours.
Though I'm not sure how "free" it is.
Raw and honest. That is the key.
To make your free verse.
Truly free.
Write with blood and ink.
Write things that no one will read, until they go through your things after you've died.

Very good. Now try writing critique instead of cliche and hackneyed opinion. For guidelines on writing critiques, you should read this thread -- if that doesn't help you, there are plenty of others around the site.