Look to the sky

[Ryan_w_r]

Images in the clouds..
Obscure illustrations of transparent white,
draped across a vast milky blue backdrop.
fleeting glimpses of a life you once knew.
Passages torn from your mind,
taken by the wind, and delivered to the sky.

[tectak]

Images in the clouds.. Over-wistful start. The Muse musing is usually a very bad sign implying a lack of direction.
Obscure illustrations of transparent white, You are taking the easy way out. This line is telling me nothing about anything in an obscure way
draped across a vast milky blue backdrop. The sky. Its called the sky
fleeting glimpses of a life you once knew. Huh? Some life
Passages torn from your mind,
taken by the wind, and delivered to the sky. ...but this is so good. If only you had warned me it was coming by WRITING about it all....

Hi,
Sadly there is not very much to this and disproportionally not much of merit. Of course, I know what you are trying to do but as everything from dragons to castles to images of god have been seen in cloud forms you are on a crowded train. The whole thing is an abstraction written obscurely with no real effort put in...the only clear riffs are cliches like "fleeting glimpses", "life you once new".
A couple of suggestions. Either leave it alone and let it cook until you can decide how to punctuate or make a real effort to expand the things you want to say then say them in a new way.
This is NOT to say that the thing is pointless prose but it is not doing itself justice because it lacks that one quintessential ingredient.....imagination.
Best,
tectak

[ChristopherSea]

I was looking to the skies for a UFO and I think you have an interesting sighting in those last two lines. I like the slow and pretty build up, but it would be better to elaborate your metaphor further for the 'you'. Why are they obscure/transparent/hard to glimpse etc? The introduction and punch-line are here. You could add some more in between the two to develop more interest and motivation for your extended metaphor. Thanks for the post and I look forward to your next edit./Chris

[Ryan_w_r]

Images in the clouds.. Over-wistful start. The Muse musing is usually a very bad sign implying a lack of direction.
Obscure illustrations of transparent white, You are taking the easy way out. This line is telling me nothing about anything in an obscure way
draped across a vast milky blue backdrop. The sky. Its called the sky
fleeting glimpses of a life you once knew. Huh? Some life
Passages torn from your mind,
taken by the wind, and delivered to the sky. ...but this is so good. If only you had warned me it was coming by WRITING about it all....

Hi,
Sadly there is not very much to this and disproportionally not much of merit. Of course, I know what you are trying to do but as everything from dragons to castles to images of god have been seen in cloud forms you are on a crowded train. The whole thing is an abstraction written obscurely with no real effort put in...the only clear riffs are cliches like "fleeting glimpses", "life you once new".
A couple of suggestions. Either leave it alone and let it cook until you can decide how to punctuate or make a real effort to expand the things you want to say then say them in a new way.
This is NOT to say that the thing is pointless prose but it is not doing itself justice because it lacks that one quintessential ingredient.....imagination.
Best,
tectak

GEEEEZE.. I didn't know sodomy was allowed of the forum! Lol kidding. Thanks for reading and leaving your thoughts. I really like the last two lines.. So just because I don't want those to go to waste I will sharpen my pencil and do my best to fix this up right.

[tectak]

Images in the clouds.. Over-wistful start. The Muse musing is usually a very bad sign implying a lack of direction.
Obscure illustrations of transparent white, You are taking the easy way out. This line is telling me nothing about anything in an obscure way
draped across a vast milky blue backdrop. The sky. Its called the sky
fleeting glimpses of a life you once knew. Huh? Some life
Passages torn from your mind,
taken by the wind, and delivered to the sky. ...but this is so good. If only you had warned me it was coming by WRITING about it all....

Hi,
Sadly there is not very much to this and disproportionally not much of merit. Of course, I know what you are trying to do but as everything from dragons to castles to images of god have been seen in cloud forms you are on a crowded train. The whole thing is an abstraction written obscurely with no real effort put in...the only clear riffs are cliches like "fleeting glimpses", "life you once new".
A couple of suggestions. Either leave it alone and let it cook until you can decide how to punctuate or make a real effort to expand the things you want to say then say them in a new way.
This is NOT to say that the thing is pointless prose but it is not doing itself justice because it lacks that one quintessential ingredient.....imagination.
Best,
tectak

GEEEEZE.. I didn't know sodomy was allowed of the forum! Lol kidding. Thanks for reading and leaving your thoughts. I really like the last two lines.. So just because I don't want those to go to waste I will sharpen my pencil and do my best to fix this up right.

I do hope you meant buggery...I would hate to be accused of a perversion.
Best,
tectak