Evolution straights the line that sight scribes curved upon the eye;
though sinister becomes the right we see horizons level drawn.
Far suns from history illume us, a trillion miles away they lie,
then caught in orbs of human humour; a photon dies, a star is born.
Evolution drops the pin that breaks the silence, turns the ear;
an infant's cry, a thundered spark or sweetest music in a sine.
Tall trees fall in silent places, distant yet by theory near.
Chaos flutters, strikes the anvil; stirrups stir, old bells chime.
Evolution scents the streets but dogs no longer wolf the air;
atavistic traits fade, choking. Stench of man convolves the flow.
Winds that once could keep no secrets, telling tales of what and where,
swirl curled in concrete conurbations; stagnant, waiting. Where to blow?
Evolution grows the man to morph and model each new trait ;
anthropomorphic genes hang from us, pinned like medals to our chest.
Pride, at once sin and salvation, guides us from our godless fate;
sweet paradox of pointless progress will one day stall and fall to rest.
From "A long time coming" first written in 2000.
tectak
Hello Tom,
First impressions -I'm likeing this a lot. But a couple of the lines are causing me some trouble, but only on my second read through so plenty of time yet.
First though must say how much i love line 1 and the four line in St 3. They are just wonderful - i find myself repeating them just for the pleasure of the sound and the fun of it.
But line 2 just leaves me cold. It feels odd and the actual meaning is strained. Perhaps it is just my read, but i want a commar after right.
I am still reading and processing this so might be back with more.
Meanwhile, I'm not sure how you will feel about this suggestion in terms of meaning, but I keep reading turns the ear into tunes the ear.
(03-19-2014, 04:16 AM)cidermaid Wrote: Hello Tom,
First impressions -I'm likeing this a lot. But a couple of the lines are causing me some trouble, but only on my second read through so plenty of time yet.
First though must say how much i love line 1 and the four line in St 3. They are just wonderful - i find myself repeating them just for the pleasure of the sound and the fun of it.
But line 2 just leaves me cold. It feels odd and the actual meaning is strained. Perhaps it is just my read, but i want a commar after right.
I am still reading and processing this so might be back with more.
Meanwhile, I'm not sure how you will feel about this suggestion in terms of meaning, but I keep reading turns the ear into tunes the ear.
All the best AJ.
Hi AJ,
Yes to that comma. It is just lateral inversion. "Sinister" is "left"or "left handed" (from the latin)so left is right...the eye connects to the brain left to right but we "see" everything the correct way round. It is an evolutionary quirk of "seeing". That is all.
Best,
tectak
PS I still think you may be right about the comma
This is written for people with enormous lungs, on first reading I found myself gasping for air at the end of each line. Which is not a bad way to frighten off the speed reading skimmers.
some very nice word placement sinister/right, dog/wolf etc.
anthropomorphic, and that whole line, is rather inelegantly phrased - I like the idea behind it, but back to the issue of lung capacity.
This is written for people with enormous lungs, on first reading I found myself gasping for air at the end of each line. Which is not a bad way to frighten off the speed reading skimmers.
some very nice word placement sinister/right, dog/wolf etc.
anthropomorphic, and that whole line, is rather inelegantly phrased - I like the idea behind it, but back to the issue of lung capacity.
Phew!
Are you a man or a mouse?
I spend a lot of time trying to fit anthropomorphic into poetry...Dale gives me brownie points each time I do....but I do agree that the sentiment is greater than the syntax....what to do? What to do? What to do?
Read this criticism (you anthropomorphically proud heathens) and die:
When I first read the phrase: "pointless progress" I instantly
sprang to the keyboard to object to the use of "progress" when
referring to the scientifically validated theory of evolution
which never implies that there is any goal or 'larger
purpose' to the process. My objection was going to be that
since the word 'progress' possess two definitions, the
first meaning 'movement towards a goal' and the second
meaning only 'movement' it introduces an ambiguity that
could lead to the impression that evolution is a goal-oriented
process which it is not. I was going to suggest using
'alteration' or just plain 'change'.
But then I realized that the phrase "pointless progress"
was meant ironically and decided that the solution to the
ambiguity should be resolved in the opposite direction
in order to make the phrase more firmly ironic. I was
going to suggest using a different word; but I could
find none, as the ones I could come up with had either
three syllables, second syllable stressing, or were
lacking an alliterative "p".
So I gave up and decided that 'progress' was the best
selection after all.
BUT, I had already taken the time to write this, now pointless, screed and was damned (probably quite
literally if an all-knowing, wrathful god actually
exists) if I, at least, wouldn't get the sadistic
satisfaction of knowing that there was a chance
(even if infinitesimally small) that some poor schmuck
would read through this damn thing with the hope of
getting something out of it only to reach the end
unrequited and suffer, because of this now fiendish
missive, the agonizing death that only the intellect
can know.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
Read this criticism (you anthropomorphically proud heathens) and die:
When I first read the phrase: "pointless progress" I instantly
sprang to the keyboard to object to the use of "progress" when
referring to the scientifically validated theory of evolution
which never implies that there is any goal or 'larger
purpose' to the process. My objection was going to be that
since the word 'progress' possess two definitions, the
first meaning 'movement towards a goal' and the second
meaning only 'movement' it introduces an ambiguity that
could lead to the impression that evolution is a goal-oriented
process which it is not. I was going to suggest using
'alteration' or just plain 'change'.
But then I realized that the phrase "pointless progress"
was meant ironically and decided that the solution to the
ambiguity should be resolved in the opposite direction
in order to make the phrase more firmly ironic. I was
going to suggest using a different word; but I could
find none, as the ones I could come up with had either
three syllables, second syllable stressing, or were
lacking an alliterative "p".
So I gave up and decided that 'progress' was the best
selection after all.
BUT, I had already taken the time to write this, now
pointless, screed and was damned (probably quite
literally if an all-knowing, wrathful god actually
exists) if I, at least, wouldn't get the sadistic
satisfaction of knowing that there was a chance
(even if infinitesimally small) that some poor schmuck
would read through this damn thing with the hope of
getting something out of it only to reach the end
unrequited and suffer, because of this now fiendish
missive, the agonizing death that only the intellect
can know.
For me, this is a many-read poem, my mind needing/wanting to unpack all the cleverness in its inventiveness.
But my very first impression of it was simply how sheerly entertaining it was to me (that's a compliment, I assure you). These lines made me especially chuckle and smile:
Far suns from history illume us, a trillion miles away they lie,
then caught in orbs of human humour; a photon dies, a star is born.
Tall trees fall in silent places, distant yet by theory near.
Evolution grows the man to morph and model each new trait ;
anthropomorphic genes hang from us, pinned like medals to our chest.
Anyway...me like.
You can't hate me more than I hate myself. I win.
"When the spirit of justice eloped on the wings
Of a quivering vibrato's bittersweet sting."
(03-20-2014, 06:34 AM)NobodyNothing Wrote: For me, this is a many-read poem, my mind needing/wanting to unpack all the cleverness in its inventiveness.
But my very first impression of it was simply how sheerly entertaining it was to me (that's a compliment, I assure you). These lines made me especially chuckle and smile:
Far suns from history illume us, a trillion miles away they lie,
then caught in orbs of human humour; a photon dies, a star is born.
Tall trees fall in silent places, distant yet by theory near.
Evolution grows the man to morph and model each new trait ;
anthropomorphic genes hang from us, pinned like medals to our chest.
Anyway...me like.
Me like you liking. Any bits you no like?
Best,
tectak
(03-20-2014, 06:34 AM)NobodyNothing Wrote: For me, this is a many-read poem, my mind needing/wanting to unpack all the cleverness in its inventiveness.
But my very first impression of it was simply how sheerly entertaining it was to me (that's a compliment, I assure you). These lines made me especially chuckle and smile:
Far suns from history illume us, a trillion miles away they lie,
then caught in orbs of human humour; a photon dies, a star is born.
Tall trees fall in silent places, distant yet by theory near.
Evolution grows the man to morph and model each new trait ;
anthropomorphic genes hang from us, pinned like medals to our chest.
Anyway...me like.
Me like you liking. Any bits you no like?
Best,
tectak
Nothing that I don't like, as in *irk*. Honestly, need more time to unpack.
My mind did hitch a tiny bit at illume, but probably because I am so used to either the word illumine or illuminate in such a case. I had to pause and figure out how it wanted to be rhythmically read there, how was illume pronounced, and was history pronounced as his-tor-e or his-tre.
I mean, we're talking hair-split here.
And such things can be quirky/funny in this way. Even when I finish one of my own poems, it's like I have to learn how to read it, how it wants to be read. This is usually the case from being so focused on the minutias of the poem that when I'm FINALLY done the poem as a whole is somewhat of a stranger to me.
Does that ever happen to you? lol
You can't hate me more than I hate myself. I win.
"When the spirit of justice eloped on the wings
Of a quivering vibrato's bittersweet sting."
(03-18-2014, 11:03 PM)tectak Wrote: Evolution straights the line that sight scribes curved upon the eye;
though sinister becomes the right we see horizons level drawn.
Far suns from history illume us, a trillion miles away they lie,
then caught in orbs of human humour; a photon dies, a star is born.
Evolution drops the pin that breaks the silence, turns the ear;
an infant's cry, a thundered spark or sweetest music in a sine.
Tall trees fall in silent places, distant yet by theory near.
Chaos flutters, strikes the anvil; stirrups stir, old bells chime.
Evolution scents the streets but dogs no longer wolf the air;
atavistic traits fade, choking. Stench of man convolves the flow.
Winds that once could keep no secrets, telling tales of what and where,
swirl curled in concrete conurbations; stagnant, waiting. Where to blow?
Evolution grows the man to morph and model each new trait ;
anthropomorphic genes hang from us, pinned like medals to our chest.
Pride, at once sin and salvation, guides us from our godless fate;
sweet paradox of pointless progress will one day stall and fall to rest.
From "A long time coming" first written in 2000.
tectak
I promise to return but for now, just a drive-by.
I know I read you use "wolfs the air" before - I liked it then and I like it now.
There are some metric stumbles as well as some /very/ awkward promotions. For what i mean, sing this to the tune of Modern Major General. Like i said, i will return later.
I didn't care for your use of "straights" as a verb being that "straightens" exists, it reads incorrect rather than inventive.
It contains a bit of inversion (sinister becomes the light) but it is almost a trademark now.
There was some nice cleverness to it. like i said, i will return.
"Evolution straights", "Evolution drops", "Evolution scents", "Evolution grows", for a theory Evolution sure does get around. Is there a Evolution Buns of Steel"? I wonder how it would work if we substituted "General Relativity"?
I though the meat of this was in the last stanza, the rest seems more the fancy windup before the pitch.
"Evolution grows the man to morph and model each new trait"
Does evolution grow? Isn't evolution a "cause' at best? So is man a "trait" model? Yes, could you bring out #13 again and have him spin twice, it would be ever so nice!
I do not give you points for using "anthropomorphic", I only give points when you use it correctly instead of personification, which is not the case here. However I am wondering if you are personifying or anthropomorphizing Evolution? I guess it would have to be personification, as that applies to abstract notions, and to not in any way belittle it, evolution is an abstract notions, no matter how dearly one clings to it.
Personally I think "septic sprawl" would have been more apropos that "concrete conurbations", but I will give you points for the alliteration. There's just too little in the way of tropes these days, not even enough to go to war should the call arise, but then again you already have us stalled and felled like so many cords of wood, time being the only factor yet to be determined, and that requires only a wait and see approach, no experiments even needed.
Almost forgot, is "Far suns from history illume us" a play on the Latin word for Troy? But then again, you were always Roman at heart. Well...everyone must have a fatal flaw.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
(03-18-2014, 11:03 PM)tectak Wrote: Evolution straights the line that sight scribes curved upon the eye;
though sinister becomes the right we see horizons level drawn.
Far suns from history illume us, a trillion miles away they lie,
then caught in orbs of human humour; a photon dies, a star is born.
Evolution drops the pin that breaks the silence, turns the ear;
an infant's cry, a thundered spark or sweetest music in a sine.
Tall trees fall in silent places, distant yet by theory near.
Chaos flutters, strikes the anvil; stirrups stir, old bells chime.
Evolution scents the streets but dogs no longer wolf the air;
atavistic traits fade, choking. Stench of man convolves the flow.
Winds that once could keep no secrets, telling tales of what and where,
swirl curled in concrete conurbations; stagnant, waiting. Where to blow?
Evolution grows the man to morph and model each new trait ;
anthropomorphic genes hang from us, pinned like medals to our chest.
Pride, at once sin and salvation, guides us from our godless fate;
sweet paradox of pointless progress will one day stall and fall to rest.
From "A long time coming" first written in 2000.
tectak
I promise to return but for now, just a drive-by.
I know I read you use "wolfs the air" before - I liked it then and I like it now.
There are some metric stumbles as well as some /very/ awkward promotions. For what i mean, sing this to the tune of Modern Major General. Like i said, i will return later.
I didn't care for your use of "straights" as a verb being that "straightens" exists, it reads incorrect rather than inventive.
It contains a bit of inversion (sinister becomes the light) but it is almost a trademark now.
There was some nice cleverness to it. like i said, i will return.
I will wait. Sinister/ right not light. Thanks thus far.
Best,
tectak
Tom,
"Evolution straights", "Evolution drops", "Evolution scents", "Evolution grows", for a theory Evolution sure does get around. Is there a Evolution Buns of Steel"? I wonder how it would work if we substituted "General Relativity"?
I though the meat of this was in the last stanza, the rest seems more the fancy windup before the pitch.
"Evolution grows the man to morph and model each new trait"
Does evolution grow? Isn't evolution a "cause' at best? So is man a "trait" model? Yes, could you bring out #13 again and have him spin twice, it would be ever so nice!
I do not give you points for using "anthropomorphic", I only give points when you use it correctly instead of personification, which is not the case here. However I am wondering if you are personifying or anthropomorphizing Evolution? I guess it would have to be personification, as that applies to abstract notions, and to not in any way belittle it, evolution is an abstract notions, no matter how dearly one clings to it.
Personally I think "septic sprawl" would have been more apropos that "concrete conurbations", but I will give you points for the alliteration. There's just too little in the way of tropes these days, not even enough to go to war should the call arise, but then again you already have us stalled and felled like so many cords of wood, time being the only factor yet to be determined, and that requires only a wait and see approach, no experiments even needed.
Almost forgot, is "Far suns from history illume us" a play on the Latin word for Troy? But then again, you were always Roman at heart. Well...everyone must have a fatal flaw.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
(03-18-2014, 11:03 PM)tectak Wrote: Evolution draws straight lines that sight scribes curved upon the eye; I might prefer the inversion here. Evolution straight draws the line that....Maybe not. tec
though sinister becomes the right we see horizons level drawn.
Far suns from history illume us, a trillion miles away they lie,
then caught in orbs of human humour; a photon dies, a star is born.
Evolution drops the pin that breaks the silence, turns the ear;
an infant's cry, a thundered spark or sweetest music in a sine.
Tall trees fall in silent places, distant yet by theory near.
Chaos flutters, strikes the anvil; stirrups stir, old bells chime.
Evolution scents the streets but dogs no longer wolf the air;
atavistic traits fade, choking. Stench of man convolves the flow.
Winds that once could keep no secrets, telling tales of what and where,
swirl curled in concrete conurbations; stagnant, waiting. Where to blow?
Evolution grows the man to morph and model each new trait ;
anthropomorphic genes hang from us, pinned like medals to our chest.
Pride, at once sin and salvation, guides us from our godless fate;
sweet paradox of pointless progress will one day stall and fall to rest.
From "A long time coming" first written in 2000.
tectak
I promise to return but for now, just a drive-by.
I know I read you use "wolfs the air" before - I liked it then and I like it now.
There are some metric stumbles as well as some /very/ awkward promotions. For what i mean, sing this to the tune of Modern Major General. Like i said, i will return later.
I didn't care for your use of "straights" as a verb being that "straightens" exists, it reads incorrect rather than inventive.
It contains a bit of inversion (sinister becomes the light) but it is almost a trademark now.
There was some nice cleverness to it. like i said, i will return.
Hi milo,
very sadly I find I must concede on the use of "straights" as a verb. I seem to have made it up. This is a pity because it seemed so apposite I cannot even allow it under poetic licence as it goes against my own ethical pomposity. So, that's a bugger! I will have to sleep on it...if I can lie straight in bed.
Best,
tectak
Sorry cider, I know you liked the line but rules is rules.
(03-20-2014, 07:59 AM)Erthona Wrote: Tom,
"Evolution straights", "Evolution drops", "Evolution scents", "Evolution grows", for a theory Evolution sure does get around. Is there a Evolution Buns of Steel"? I wonder how it would work if we substituted "General Relativity"?
I though the meat of this was in the last stanza, the rest seems more the fancy windup before the pitch.
"Evolution grows the man to morph and model each new trait"
Does evolution grow? Isn't evolution a "cause' at best? So is man a "trait" model? Yes, could you bring out #13 again and have him spin twice, it would be ever so nice!
I do not give you points for using "anthropomorphic", I only give points when you use it correctly instead of personification, which is not the case here. However I am wondering if you are personifying or anthropomorphizing Evolution? I guess it would have to be personification, as that applies to abstract notions, and to not in any way belittle it, evolution is an abstract notions, no matter how dearly one clings to it.
Personally I think "septic sprawl" would have been more apropos that "concrete conurbations", but I will give you points for the alliteration. There's just too little in the way of tropes these days, not even enough to go to war should the call arise, but then again you already have us stalled and felled like so many cords of wood, time being the only factor yet to be determined, and that requires only a wait and see approach, no experiments even needed.
Almost forgot, is "Far suns from history illume us" a play on the Latin word for Troy? But then again, you were always Roman at heart. Well...everyone must have a fatal flaw.
Dale
Hi Dale,
Forensic as usual...none the worse for that.
This is just a last gibe at the human genome activists who come too little and too late. We are what we have become and it may be way too late to change things. Sight "evolved" the (human) eye so that we see things as they are...but more by processes in the brain than by the efforts of the watchmaker.
Our sense of smell (you made me dig this out) is evolving noticeably in the inverse as we rely upon it less.
Hearing continues to play evolutionary catch-up with modernity as a result, primarily, of the requirement of advanced verbal ( it could have been telepathy by now if we had all just shut up) communication.
...and as to whether evolution grows the man we are undoubtably getting bigger. I have just heard of the death of an American with ten stone testicles if you need certainty
Oh come on, now. If ever "anthropomorphic" needed a safe harbour this is it...If I hear another "scientist" or poncing pundit tell me that " We are our genes..." I will bloody well cut up my denim blues! If that ain't anthropomorphing I don't know what is...brownie points...gimme,gimme.
For "progress" read "pointless"...the end will not be postponed by evolution...we ain't got the time.
Illume? Troy? Crossword clues in MY poetry?..Never.
Best,
tectak
It looks like you have plenty of feedback thus far. My overall critique concerns the evolution theme and repeats. I think I am not connecting to the references. I see biology, astronomy, theoretical physics and religious theory. Where is the natural selection and adaptive mutation that are key to evolutionary mechanism. Wolf-to-dog is relevant and a favorite line. I like the badges as well, but anthropomorphic is usually employed to ascribe human traits to nonhuman species. Perhaps you are speaking on the evolution of the human mind. I may be missing a lot, as I have not read all of the above discourse.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
(03-20-2014, 08:32 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote: It looks like you have plenty of feedback thus far. My overall critique concerns the evolution theme and repeats. I think I am not connecting to the references. I see biology, astronomy, theoretical physics and religious theory. Where is the natural selection and adaptive mutation that are key to evolutionary mechanism. Wolf-to-dog is relevant and a favorite line. I like the badges as well, but anthropomorphic is usually employed to ascribe human traits to nonhuman species. Perhaps you are speaking on the evolution of the human mind. I may be missing a lot, as I have not read all of the above discourse.
Hi chris,
assuming you have read the c and c's can I hope that you see the train of thought?
Evolution of the eye
Evolution of hearing
Evoution of sense of smell
Then...complete collapse of the "natural" process as intellect and technological "progress" intervenes. I hope I am wrong but once we start buggering about with genes I think we are stuffed
I was concerned about the use of anthropomorphic but I am sticking to my guns. I constantly hear of genes being anthropomorphised...the selfish gene...we are our genes...the suicide gene...blame the genes etc.
Best,
tectak
(03-20-2014, 08:32 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote: It looks like you have plenty of feedback thus far. My overall critique concerns the evolution theme and repeats. I think I am not connecting to the references. I see biology, astronomy, theoretical physics and religious theory. Where is the natural selection and adaptive mutation that are key to evolutionary mechanism. Wolf-to-dog is relevant and a favorite line. I like the badges as well, but anthropomorphic is usually employed to ascribe human traits to nonhuman species. Perhaps you are speaking on the evolution of the human mind. I may be missing a lot, as I have not read all of the above discourse.
Hi chris,
assuming you have read the c and c's can I hope that you see the train of thought?
Evolution of the eye
Evolution of hearing
Evoution of sense of smell
Then...complete collapse of the "natural" process as intellect and technological "progress" intervenes. I hope I am wrong but once we start buggering about with genes I think we are stuffed
I was concerned about the use of anthropomorphic but I am sticking to my guns. I constantly hear of genes being anthropomorphised...the selfish gene...we are our genes...the suicide gene...blame the genes etc.
Best,
tectak
Yes, I see your train of thought and play on this term. Thanks for taking the time to provide additional explanation.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
