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ode to a facebook slut (think pink)
she was a pill head and/or a drunk.
but these days, who isn't?
I didn't know.
scratch that, I didn't care.
she looked like a thin drew barrymore. who wouldn't go out on that limb?
who wouldn't fuck her, you?
bullshit.
50 $ cab ride home.
bar bill none of your business.
(wish it wasn't mine)
chinese proverb: "May you live in interesting times"
I wonder if the chink philosophers were ever fucked up (drunk), and
scrubbed their cocks with an "eat me" thong that was lathered in water
and anti-bacterial soap while standing in a filthy bathroom sweating delusions
of chlamydia, crabs and HIV doing a pincer movement on their perineum,
and paranoid brains.
is that racist?
probably, but you are a PC pussy.
and I'z gots miiinz. belee dat.
I'm clean.
besides the pills and the drink, so is thin drew barrymore.
think I'll do her again (this time), no cab ride, no bar bill
or anti-bacterial soap.
booty call after work, set up by phone call or text.
no money, cheap date. or maybe just a cold hot dog
and a day old cup joe at the local choke and puke.
nobody talks like this anymore, split-tails, faggots
and weak men rule the world.
I am salvatore (sexy motherfucker)
bone up on your latin.
face down
skirt up
last call.
(behind a dirty dumpster)
rendezvous,
2 a.m.
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just a quickie for now, i'll leave solid feedback later.
and I'z gots miiinz. belee dat. it doesn't fit the rest of the language. and i'm not sure the double line spacing makes it any better.
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(03-08-2014, 03:09 PM)billy Wrote: just a quickie for now, i'll leave solid feedback later.
and I'z gots miiinz. belee dat. it doesn't fit the rest of the language. and i'm not sure the double line spacing makes it any better.
explanation: in the world today especially USA, I would be viewed as racist for using the word "chink". poking big stick at PC crowd. then, morphs into huck finn (book) esque "I'z gots miiinz" etc. mark twain is racist? I am racist? misogynistic? anti-technology? anti-facebook? I'z surly ain't be nowing, y'all figure it out.
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why sound like a rap artist.s mother if all you want to do is portray racist.
i not you don't use the nigger word? which sort of weakens your racist claim (in the poem of course and not you the person)
the racist side of the poem comes across as fake racism or pc racism that's dressed up in a more dignified way.
that's probably a good thing though cause we ain't be tolerating no hate speech here 
i will get back to the poem later
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(03-08-2014, 03:31 PM)billy Wrote: why sound like a rap artist.s mother if all you want to do is portray racist.
i not you don't use the nigger word? which sort of weakens your racist claim (in the poem of course and not you the person)
the racist side of the poem comes across as fake racism or pc racism that's dressed up in a more dignified way.
that's probably a good thing though cause we ain't be tolerating no hate speech here
i will get back to the poem later
huh. hiccup. not trying to flame. but you ain't gettin' it. thanks for not tolerating, the point is sharp but it ain't "hate" it is think.
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yeah i know that, i did get it. i'm just saying for me the cotton picker-speak didn't work for me. i'm sorry for being stupid, i don't think you're racist what i'm saying is the point isn't as sharp as you think. forgive if i'm wrong in thinking the poem has a racist side to it. but it really does  not you...the poem, or to me it does. and replying to me isn't trolling :J:
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(03-08-2014, 03:47 PM)billy Wrote: yeah i know that, i did get it. i'm just saying for me the cotton picker-speak didn't work for me. i'm sorry for being stupid, i don't think you're racist what i'm saying is the point isn't as sharp as you think. forgive if i'm wrong in thinking the poem has a racist side to it. but it really does not you...the poem, or to me it does. and replying to me isn't trolling :J:
its all good. I'm not trying to banger anybody's mash. I'm just relating an experience in words. might be captivating, might suck. it is just my poetry because (for good or bad) I am a poet.
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This isn't a poem, it is a sketch.... complete with notes to self - 'fucked up (drunk)', 'is that racist?' 'she was a pill head and/or a drunk.
' etc
There are some nice bits of word play.... 'chlamydia, crabs and HIV doing a pincer movement' for instance.
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(03-08-2014, 02:38 PM)chingachgook Wrote: ode to a facebook slut (think pink)
she was a pill head and/or a drunk.
but these days, who isn't?
I didn't know.
scratch that, I didn't care.
she looked like a thin drew barrymore. who wouldn't go out on that limb?
who wouldn't fuck her, you?
bullshit.
50 $ cab ride home.
bar bill none of your business.
(wish it wasn't mine)
chinese proverb: "May you live in interesting times"
I wonder if the chink philosophers were ever fucked up (drunk), and
scrubbed their cocks with an "eat me" thong that was lathered in water
and anti-bacterial soap while standing in a filthy bathroom sweating delusions
of chlamydia, crabs and HIV doing a pincer movement on their perineum,
and paranoid brains.
is that racist?
probably, but you are a PC pussy.
and I'z gots miiinz. belee dat.
I'm clean.
besides the pills and the drink, so is thin drew barrymore.
think I'll do her again (this time), no cab ride, no bar bill
or anti-bacterial soap.
booty call after work, set up by phone call or text.
no money, cheap date. or maybe just a cold hot dog
and a day old cup joe at the local choke and puke.
nobody talks like this anymore, split-tails, faggots
and weak men rule the world.
I am salvatore (sexy motherfucker)
bone up on your latin.
face down
skirt up
last call.
(behind a dirty dumpster)
rendezvous,
2 a.m.
Yes...this has problems. It is easy, facile even, to dismiss the whole piece as non-poetic garbage...but it does have a value in that it acts as an antidote to all that I, and others, in our own pontificating ways, like to crit. That is not to say it is beneath
contempt and should not be workshopped...until you read the responses of the writer. Defense is no way to improve...particularly when the work is indefensible by genre.
I have read this kind of stuff so often that even my critique is cliched. Look, what I am saying is this...you want to write poetry? Then carry on with this kind of stuff and be happy. You want to write good poetry? Then read more. The piece is so anal as to be sufficient unto itself...like looking at your own turds with pride before deciding not to flush so as to give someone else the viewing benefit.
To make this dia....er...diatribe have some value you need to take out the water to firm it up. As it is all the fibre is there but but you are confusing quantity with quality. Yes, I have heard it all before but I would still praise the piece if the execution was novel or the writer humble enough to accept critique. Thus far neither applies so why should we bother.
I am out of here.
tectak
PS If you want this moving to mild crit just say the word. On the other hand, leave it and set an example...its all for the good of poetry.
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"Defense is no way to improve..."
sorry about the posture. brown liquor and lack of sleep. I am digesting the rest of what you said and the writing in toto. thanks for your time.
(03-08-2014, 09:06 PM)jeremyyoung Wrote: This isn't a poem, it is a sketch.... complete with notes to self - 'fucked up (drunk)', 'is that racist?' 'she was a pill head and/or a drunk.
' etc
There are some nice bits of word play.... 'chlamydia, crabs and HIV doing a pincer movement' for instance.
you are correct. it is a sketch. scrawled out in 15 minutes while in a bleak mood. happens!
(03-08-2014, 03:47 PM)billy Wrote: yeah i know that, i did get it. i'm just saying for me the cotton picker-speak didn't work for me. i'm sorry for being stupid, i don't think you're racist what i'm saying is the point isn't as sharp as you think. forgive if i'm wrong in thinking the poem has a racist side to it. but it really does not you...the poem, or to me it does. and replying to me isn't trolling :J:
sorry, billy. it was a bad day. and bad writing from the start.
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Indeed, but there is a poem there.... somewhere.... and some of the phrasing has real merit.
Plus the energy is good. In a way it reminds me of Tina Weymouth 9.45 into the 1980 Rome concert.
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(03-10-2014, 12:39 AM)jeremyyoung Wrote: Indeed, but there is a poem there.... somewhere.... and some of the phrasing has real merit.
Plus the energy is good. In a way it reminds me of Tina Weymouth 9.45 into the 1980 Rome concert.
not my type of music but if we are being critical probably more like Roxette - Listen To Your Heart at 4:19
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