How bright the flame

[dwestmor]

Kind of emo and non traditional but I wrote it a few years ago and thought it would be a good idea to see what y'all thought:
how bright the flame:
The first time I saw you, I knew you would break my heart.
You look at me, I looked at you,
and oh yes I knew then.

So handsome and strong, I knew it couldn't last
You were too great, and I not enough
but I wanted you and my stupid heart didn't care for how long.

You held my hand and it felt like just you and me
It was only my hand, but really you held my heart.
You look at me and I could not breathe.
You kissed me and butterflies danced a rhythm on my chest.
So excited but I knew it was just the start.

So old, but it felt so new,
So new yet I felt so right,
and so right yet it felt so wrong.

I gave you my heart, my mind, all of me.
I trusted you, but you never trusted me.
Burned by your past, you held back,
And I, so new, didn't notice.

I gave you my heart before I realized you didn't want it.
Now it's too late, my heart goes with you.

How short the love but how bright the flame that consumed me.
Now I am but ashes and still it consumes me.

[John Galt]

Kind of emo and non traditional but I wrote it a few years ago and thought it would be a good idea to see what y'all thought:
how bright the flame:
The first time I saw you, I knew you would break my heart.
You look at me, I looked at you,
and oh yes I knew then.

So handsome and strong, I knew it couldn't last
You were too great, and I not enough
but I wanted you and my stupid heart didn't care for how long.

You held my hand and it felt like just you and me
It was only my hand, but really you held my heart.
You look at me and I could not breathe.
You kissed me and butterflies danced a rhythm on my chest.
So excited but I knew it was just the start.

So old, but it felt so new,
So new yet I felt so right,
and so right yet it felt so wrong.

I gave you my heart, my mind, all of me.
I trusted you, but you never trusted me.
Burned by your past, you held back,
And I, so new, didn't notice.

I gave you my heart before I realized you didn't want it.
Now it's too late, my heart goes with you.

How short the love but how bright the flame that consumed me.
Now I am but ashes and still it consumes me.

Hiya, this read like prose to me. Your thought that the piece was "non traditional" did not strike me as accurate, I would say the piece is "traditional" in the way that a lot of new writers express the same thoughts with the same words. Trying to show me the same tale in a new way that engages my mind is the challenge...JG

[newsclippings]

Did I just read the poetic rendition of Twilight?

[bena]

I misread the title. I thought it said "how to bright the flame" and I thought, man now that's an interesting concept.

Try to write that poem for me. Think of it as a personal challenge, because I am curious to see what you come up with.

This piece is pretty mundane. I think s4 could be in a 70s love song. Same old story, really weak ending since you've used consume twice.

Yes, we are all old fuddy-duddies (now that's a funny word)

[billy]

hi dwestmor and thanks for giving feedback elsewhere.
the poem;

it a common type of write for the early poet and better than many (though that isn't the same as being good ) i and most others have wrote similar poems.

in general the poem it's too wordy, it carries to much heart, fire, consumption, and hand holding and so struggles to hold the reader for very long. if i weren't giving feedback i'd have stopped at the first line.
beware the cliche and wasted words. (most of the words are wasted)
the poem as i see it and read it is,

i loved you but you didn't love me.
i can't love someone else for a while.

instead of telling the story straight out, use simile and metaphor, use alliteration and consonance etc. check out some of the devices here or use our flash cards at the lower end of the home page.

cliches are something to avoid, once you can spot them, you're able to use an odd one to your advantage, in general they're poem killers.

Kind of emo and non traditional but I wrote it a few years ago and thought it would be a good idea to see what y'all thought:
how bright the flame:
The first time I saw you, I knew you would break my heart.
You look at me, I looked at you,
and oh yes I knew then.

So handsome and strong, I knew it couldn't last
You were too great, and I not enough
but I wanted you and my stupid heart didn't care for how long.

You held my hand and it felt like just you and me
It was only my hand, but really you held my heart.
You look at me and I could not breathe.
You kissed me and butterflies danced a rhythm on my chest.
So excited but I knew it was just the start.

So old, but it felt so new,
So new yet I felt so right,
and so right yet it felt so wrong.

I gave you my heart, my mind, all of me.
I trusted you, but you never trusted me.
Burned by your past, you held back,
And I, so new, didn't notice.

I gave you my heart before I realized you didn't want it.
Now it's too late, my heart goes with you.

How short the love but how bright the flame that consumed me.
Now I am but ashes and still it consumes me.

[tectak]

Kind of emo and non traditional but I wrote it a few years ago and thought it would be a good idea to see what y'all thought:
how bright the flame:
The first time I saw you, I knew you would break my heart.
You look at me, I looked at you,
and oh yes I knew then.

So handsome and strong, I knew it couldn't last
You were too great, and I not enough
but I wanted you and my stupid heart didn't care for how long.

You held my hand and it felt like just you and me
It was only my hand, but really you held my heart.
You look at me and I could not breathe.
You kissed me and butterflies danced a rhythm on my chest.
So excited but I knew it was just the start.

So old, but it felt so new,
So new yet I felt so right,
and so right yet it felt so wrong.

I gave you my heart, my mind, all of me.
I trusted you, but you never trusted me.
Burned by your past, you held back,
And I, so new, didn't notice.

I gave you my heart before I realized you didn't want it.
Now it's too late, my heart goes with you.

How short the love but how bright the flame that consumed me.
Now I am but ashes and still it consumes me.

Hi dwest,
Much if the crit on this piece is generic, formula stuff. The reason for this is clearly because the poem itself is "of a type". Your subject is difficult for even experienced poets to write on as it is always a forensic search for "newness". If anything, it is harder for experience to triumph over mundanity because of the wealth of prior knowledge...so in your metaphoric youthfullness you have simply regurgitated much of what has been written by others though you are unaware of this (call me trusting). As has been pointed out, some of your stanzas are rehashed lyrics from generic love songs...you may plausibly deny this.
So, what to do?
Well, first of all accept your own crit. Emo and traditional do not seem to me to be virtues in a poem...go for untraditional ( you started it, though "traditional" is not the word I would use) and intellectual creativity. By all.means use your per stanza "themes" as building blocks but get your imagination going and throw some paint on the wall.
Nice try, but once you excuse your own work we kind folk are bound to agree with you
Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

Right from the start I gave you my heart, ooh. ooh, nobody told you (nobody told you).... "Don't go breaking my heart"

"all of me" All of me, why not take all of me.... "All of me"

Figured I'd just identify a couple of the songs you were "quoting", as it seems everybody else has pounded on you quite well. Some advice. Stay away from love poems and religious poetry. It is extremely difficult not to repeat what has already been done. Writing love poetry when your in love is the worst. You get all puffed up with being in love, and out pops cliches and and pop songs. When you get to the point where you're "quoting" lyrics of bad pop songs, you're already way passed the point of where you should have stopped.

Here is a small list of words never to use in a love poem: love, heart, me, you, us, together, I, soul, mate, sailing, hideaway, beating, tearing, breaking, apart, time, follow, care, hurt, forever, song, light, life, why, or anything that resembles a lyric by the Carpenters.

Welcome to the site,

Dale